Revision 1456940 of "Mock the Week" on enwikiquote

'''''[[w:Mock_the_Week|Mock the Week]]''''' (2005-current) is a [[w:Britain|British]] [[w:Satire|satirical]] comedy panel show created by Angst Productions and aired by the [[w:BBC|BBC]]. It is hosted by [[w:Dara Ó Briain|Dara Ó Briain]] currently in its twelfth season.

== Season 1 ==
=== 5 June 2005 [1.01] ===
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': [''On the topic of education''] The government's new education policy, apparently, is to make children stay at school till they're 18. That's just not living in the modern world, is it? 17-year-olds having to go to school; who's going to pick up their kids from primary?

==== Inside The Mind of: George W. Bush ====
:''Contestants are presented with a picture of [[w:George W. Bush|George W. Bush]] and asked to discuss what the voices in his head are saying [impersonate].''
:'''[[w:Rory Bremner|Rory Bremner]]''': Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.
:'''[[w:John Oliver|John Oliver]]''': George, even we, as an abstract version of your inner soul, would like to completely disown you.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If you step on the cracks in the pavement, we have to invade [[w:Syria|Syria]].
:'''Rory Bremner''': [[w:Tony Blair|Tony's]] coming to [[w:Washington D.C.|Washington]]. Look busy.
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== Season 2 ==
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=== 27 January 2006 [2.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Words You'd Never Hear From A Newsreader ====

:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Welcome to Channel 5 News, thickos!
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Oy, you wanna buy some speakers?
:'''[[w:Al Murray|Al Murray]]''': Too revolting to describe. But let's have a go, anyway. Basically...
:'''[[w:Gina Yashere|Gina Yashere]]''': The two youths convicted this morning... got what they f***ing deserved!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Okay, they may have acquitted him, but he certainly looked like a pedophile.
:'''[[w:John Oliver|John Oliver]]''': You've been watching Sky News. To be honest, I'd double-check everything you've just heard.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Sir Gary Glitter received his honor at the palace this morning.
:'''[[w:Rory Bremner|Rory Bremner]]''': Welcome to ITV News... on ice! ('''[[w:Al Murray|Al Murray]]''': He said "''un''likely".)
:'''Gina Yashere''': The next report may contain images that could give you the horn.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In this next report, [[w:Gerry Adams|Gerry Adams]] is voiced by an actor...[[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]]! ''[impersonating Jackson]'' I'll tell you about the peace process, motherfu*#ers!
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== Season 3 ==
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=== 21 September 2006 [3.02] ===

:'''[[w:Jo Brand|Jo Brand]]''': ''[When given the topic of 'Living with Terror']'' That's how my husband describes our marriage.

==== Between the Lines: Sir Menzies Campbell ====
:''[Frankie Boyle is the voice of Sir Menzies Campbell while Hugh Dennis says what he really means.]''
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': ''[As Campbell]'' "I have many fond memories of Brighton; I came here as a boy..."
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': "... On a [[w:Longboat|longboat]], in a [[w:Viking|Viking]] invasion."
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[As Campbell]'' "Unlike the [[w:Conservative Party|Tories]], we have a clear idea of where we're going." 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Nowhere." 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[As Campbell]'' "I'm a man who's not afraid of a challenge. I was once an [[w:Olympic Games|Olympic]] athlete..."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "... In the [[w:Ancient Olympic Games|original games]] in 463 BC!"

==== If This is the Answer, What is the Question? ''[Answer: 9 women]'' ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "What would [[w:John Leslie (television presenter)|John Leslie]] hate to see in a jury box?"
:'''[[w:Ed Byrne|Ed Byrne]]''': "What takes up 18 parking spaces?"
:'''Jo Brand''': "What can do the work of 21,000 men?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "If someone asks me how many sexual partners I've had, instead of the real answer, 60 men and countless prostitutes, what do I tend to reply?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I really hope that doesn't go out, because my dad watches this and he's never been that sure.
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': Would he be disappointed by the number of prostitutes?
:'''[[w:Dara Ó Briain|Dara Ó Briain]]''': No, he's never been sure about the show.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': No, he loves this, largely because you're Irish, and he really hates the English.
:'''Ed Byrne''': ''[Also Irish]'' It'll be twice as much fun for him this week!
:'''Dara Ó Briain''': Bags O' Irish!

=== 28 September 2006 [3.03] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Ill-Advised Things to Say In Court ====
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': "So to summarize, there's no evidence, but he does look a bit rapey."
:'''[[w:Mark Watson|Mark Watson]]''': "Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "I would like to present my own defense... through the medium of dance!"
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': "Oy, Wiggy, I've done your daughter!"
:'''Frankie Boyle ''': "And I put it to you, m'lud, that that child is sexy."
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': ''(in a Spanish accent)'' "Will this take long? I'm meeting a boat from Colombia at 9."
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "There is a precedent for this. I refer, your honor, to episode 10 of ''LA Law''."
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== Season 4 ==
=== 11 January 2007 [4.01] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Driving Test ====

:'''Frankie Boyle''': When I slap the dashboard with my forehead, I'd like you to crawl out of the wreckage and fetch help.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Okay, when I give you the signal, I want you to wind the window down and call the cyclist a wanker.
:'''Russell Howard''': When I say go, foot down, straight through the jeweler's, get what you can.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You made one mistake, sir, a pine air freshener doesn't cover up the smell of a dead hitchhiker.
:'''David Mitchell''': Well, if she doesn't get up, you've definitely failed.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Upon my signal, I'd like you to mount the pavement and kill my ex-wife.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, at least we know the airbags work.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If I fail, can I still keep driving my taxi?
:'''Mark Watson''': Me, in a car. Can't believe it.

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: What The Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message ====

:'''Hugh Dennis''': (As The Queen) Yum yum, I've just eaten a swan.
:'''Russell Howard''': And now, an impression. They call me Mr. Boombastic...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (Still as The Queen) Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's been good to spend time with my family... and Harry.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (Still as The Queen) This year, I am in an unusual location. I'm in a cave with Osama Bin Laden.
:'''Russell Howard''': Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually an elf.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (As Prince Charles): Yes. It's not her, it's me. And she's perfectly safe. As long as you do as I say.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.

=== 18 January 2007 [4.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines To Find In The Bible ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': [[w:Monty Python's Life of Brian|He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!]] 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And God said "Let there be light." Sponsored by Powergen.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A man who lies with another man should be stoned. It helps, that's all I'm saying.
:'''Ian Stone''': A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
:'''Mark Watson''': And God said, "Right. That's the 14 commandments. Now will you remember all those?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Table for 12, Jesus? I can do two 6s at 8:30.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And on the 8th day, God made a magical talking leopard, and forgot all about us.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': All the characters in this novel are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real people, living or dead, is purely coincidence
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== Season 5 ==
=== 12 July 2007 [5.01] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon ====
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': New balls... developing on both the Williams sisters.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Well, this crowd have taken this young Serbian girl to their hearts. They obviously don't know her father's a war criminal.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A dog has run onto the court... and has beaten Tim Hennman!
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': Now here's a question, [[w:John McEnroe|John.]] Nadal: could he turn you?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There's no strawberries left. You'll have to have chips.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, you know, this rain could be seen as God's judgment on how shit we are at tennis.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': As the Scottish man holds the Wimbledon trophy aloft, the Earth opens and swallows him whole.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well now, that's a double fault. One for being a woman and one for being German.
:'''[[w:Michael Macintyre|Michael Macintyre]]''': It's just come to our attention that Tim Hennman's father's died six Wimbledons ago and has been sitting there the same look of disappointment on his face ever since.

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: What a newsreader would never say ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The football scores now, so you might want to look away if you're a woman or a gay.
:'''[[w:Jan Ravens|Jan Ravens]]''': Good evening, here is the news, I'm Moira Stuart. Why did the BBC sack me? Is it because I is black?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Press the red button now to operate the vibrating donut I've placed in my trousers... please.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': You've sent in your emails and we've been reading them, and my, my, you are a bunch of racist bigots.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If you've taped that earthquake to enjoy later and don't want to know how many died, look away now.
:'''Michael Macintyre''': Wimbledon news now, and Tim Hennman... you know the rest.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': News just in: I'm HIV positive?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, time for your own regional news now. I'm off for a dump, see you in ten.

=== 19 July 2007 [5.02] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: The Worst Thing To Hear Over A Tannoy System ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Only you can hear me.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The train to Nottingham will arrive in five minutes which is a pity, because this is Tesco.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Second floor... but you can't get out.
:'''[[w:Mark Watson|Mark Watson]]''': Welcome to our school sports day. Mark will probably get stuck in a sack. Ha, bloody ha!
:'''Russell Howard''': (in a high voice) Could someone come to the salami slicer, please?
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': (in a nasal voice) If anybody has found a Vicks inhaler...
:'''Mark Watson''': Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the tube, but will it be today?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The lift doors are closing... leaving you trapped in an airless, windowless coffin... hurtling downwards at a hundred miles an hour...
:'''[[w:Jo Caulfield|Jo Caulfield]]''': Would the parents of the child that fell into the tiger enclosure please come to lost property to collect her shoes?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The plane's about to land in Glasgow. Passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years.

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From The Final Harry Potter Book ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, Hermione, I can get rid of it. Chlamydia disappearo.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': "Okay, Hermione," said Harry unbuttoning his zip. "I'll show you a really magic wand!"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Harry had always thought that he'd meet his death at the hands of Voldemort. So imagine the surprise when the doctors told him that he was HIV positive.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "No, there is no post today," said Ron. "The owls are on a one day strike."
:'''Russell Howard''': Midway through the orgy, Ron winked at Harry. "This is way better than Quidditch," his eyes seemed to say.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It was a magic mirror that showed the future, and in it, Harry seemed to be a 30-year old actor appearing in something called "The Bill".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Get the snitch!" said Harry. "I'll tie him down and you can drill through his kneecaps."
:'''Frankie Boyle''': As the old man stood in front of him in his robes, clutching his wand, Harry regretted transferring to Catholic school.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "I'm sorry, Harry. I'm having a baby, and it's yours," said Professor McGonagall.
:'''Mark Watson''': Then Hermione says something, Harry says something, aw, who cares? I'm minted!
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=== 2 August 2007 [5.04] ===
==== Unlikely Things To Hear: On A Science Programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The trade in human organs is shocking. This kidney cost me nearly a tenner.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Which is faster, a dog or a crossbow bolt?
:'''Jo Caulfield''': And that's how God created the world in seven days.
:'''Russell Howard''': I ESCAPED FROM A PETRI DISH! WHAT AM I?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, my name's Jade Goody.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': A cure for acute depression may be just around the corner. Oh, here it is: a train.
:'''[[w:Adam Hills|Adam Hills]]''': Well, that test was inconclusive. Cats have one life.

==== Questions Omitted From The British Citizenship Test ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Can you fly a plane? Can you ''land'' a plane?
:'''Russell Howard''': Pat Butcher: Shag or die?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Do you ever look at the ingredients on ''Ready Steady Cook'' and think "I could make a bomb out of that"?
:'''Russell Howard''': Boris Johnson: True or false?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in his Jimmy Saville impression) Do you like the music of Showaddywaddy?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': On this map of Britain, can you point to where Gloucester used to be?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

=== 9 August 2007 [5.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: The worst thing to hear on holiday ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Many of you on this safari will be wondering why I'm sprinkling you with barbecue sauce.
:'''[[w:David Mitchell|David Mitchell]]''': Welcome to Butlins! 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[African accent]'' Let me feel your arm. Let me see your teeth. Take him! 
:'''Andy Parsons''': ''[Drunken]'' Hello, thish ish your captain shpeaking... we're up! 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[Mexican accent]'' You want a double or a single room? Double? Ramon, build a double! 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In the event of the cabin de-compressing, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and dangle in front of your blue, dead faces. 
:'''David Mitchell''': From your bedroom window, you have a lovely view of the town's aging nuclear facility.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There's a bar in the swimming pool after yesterday's riot.
:'''David Mitchell''': You must be the only person in the hotel who isn't going to the ''Star Trek'' convention!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Both of you, welcome to Scotland! 

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely lines to hear in a TV show ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': So get dialing because, remember, those phone lines close at midnight. Yesterday.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now, the Antiques Roadshow. This program contains scenes of tedious dullness right from the start. 
:'''David Mitchell''': And if you have an opinion about this news story, why not keep it to yourself? 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello and welcome to Mock the Week after dark, I'm Dara O'Briain, and ''this''... is my penis.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now over to Sian for a blind stab at the weather...
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': ''[Has hand shaped like a gun]'' ''NO DEAL, EDMONDS! YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THE MONEY, OR I'M GONNA START SHOOTING!''
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==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Bad things to hear on an aeroplane ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In the event of the cabin decompressing, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If you look out of the port-side window or a moment or so, you'll see me. Bye!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That's the first cloud I've seen with a ski lift on it!
:'''David Mitchell''': The only thing less likely than surviving crashing into the sea is the coast guard hearing the whistle on your life jacket.
:'''[[w:Fiona Allen|Fiona Allen]]''': [''American accent''] Hi! I've got a hobby farm, would you like me to tell you about it for the next nine hours.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Louisa and her in-flight team will be looking after you today and your hijacker's name is Ibrahim.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hold on! I've just entered us into the Red Bull challenge!
:'''David Mitchell''': Will the fat people please move to the back of the plane.
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=== 13 September 2007 [5.10] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like to See: What a news reporter would never say ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Next on News 24, I'm gonna punch a zebra. Who cares? No one's watching. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Here, children as young as eight are forced to make their own living. ''MORE POLISH, MORE POLISH, I WANT TO SEE MY FACE!''
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Here on the streets it seems that Britain is completely in the grip of gang culture. This is John Simpson ''[imitates gangster]'' for the ITN massive!
:'''[[w:Gina Yashere|Gina Yashere]]''': Can you hear the bombs falling? No? That's because they're in Baghdad, I'm here in Peckham.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Reports of a mystery man loitering in the area turned out to be me.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[Bewildered]'' News just in: "Go to a break, your wife's been hit by a truck."
:'''[[w:Ed Byrne|Ed Byrne]]''': And it was just a few feet from here when the shots were fired. I know, I fired them. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, finally, the power in Beirut seems to be back on. The radiator I'm chained to is getting quite warm. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Even amidst the devastation of this earthquake, there are still stories of hope. I found a man's wallet!
:'''Andy Parsons''': I- am- actually- in- my- bedroom- but- I'm- trying- to- make- it- look- like- I'm- in- Baghdad- on- a- satellite- phone.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And I can't help but think that if my country was gripped by famine, I'd just move.

==== Unlikely letters to be read out on Points of View ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Why, oh why, oh why... is the structure of my chromosomes. 
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear BBC, I watched a light entertainment program on your network the other night that wasn't hosted by Graham Norton. Is he ill? 
:'''Russell Howard''': ''[Amazed tone]'' Dear BBC, [[w:BBC One 'Circle' idents|how did you manage to get those hippos to swim in a circle?]] 
:'''Gina Yashere''': Dear BBC, I am a Nigerian general with 30 million pounds to put in your bank account...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[creepy voice]'' Last night I turned to your new porn channel, See Boobies. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[weird voice]'' Dear Points Of View, I would like to complain about the weird voice you are reading out my letter in!
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Points of View, has anyone else noticed that Pat Butcher looks a lot like the honey monster from the Sugar Puffs advert? 
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear BBC, when are you going to show "Nuts on the Road"? NIM! NIM! NIM!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Dear Points of View, I watched "Silent Witness" with the sound off and it didn't make any sense!
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear BBC, well it's now thirty years down the line and I'm no closer to owning a robotic housemaid. "Tomorrow's World"? "Tomorrow's Horse-shit" more like! 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The other night I watched Nigella Lawson, and picked up a couple of good tips on baking bread. And in the process, I just about ripped my cock off.

=== 20 September 2007 [5.11] ===
:''[Discussing [[w:Liberal Democrats|Liberal Democrats]] leader Sir Menzies Campbell]''
:'''Frankie Boyle''': He's got a 4 per cent approval rating, [[w:Menzies Campbell|Ming Campbell]], which is ''nothing'', right? So they could just have ''anybody'' lead them, it's not gonna make any difference, so I say - come on, let's get [[w:Lee Ryan|Lee]] from [[w:Blue (group)|Blue]]. ''[Audience and panelists laugh and applaud]'' He's not gonna be any worse...
:'''Dara O Briain''': He's looking for a gig...
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Yeah, and also his policies aren't going to come into force so he can say whatever he wants! ''[Impersonating Lee Ryan]''"Uh, I think that the homosexuals should declare war on the robots..." Doesn't matter, Lee from Blue, bit of a laugh!
:'''[[w:Michael McIntyre|Michael McIntyre]]''': And also his name is very odd. His name is "Mingis"''[correct pronunciation of "Menzies"]'', but it's pronounced - it's spelt "M-E-N-Z-I-E-S".
:'''Dara O Briain]]''': Yes...
:'''Michael McIntyre''': Well why are you looking at me like I'm insane? It's "Men-zeez"! Men-zeez! [[w:John Menzies|John Men-zeez]]! People don't go "Let's go to 'John Mingis'!" They don't do it! [[w:Martina Hingis|Martina Hingis]]! Martina Heng-giez! ''[To Dara O Briain]'' Why are you still looking at me like I'm not making sense! It's a "g", not a "z"''[sic]''! It's a "z", not a "g"!
:'''Dara O Briain''': Because I'm waiting for you to turn on me and ''my'' [[w:Irish name|crazy ethnic name]]!
:'''Michael McIntyre''': When they were bringing him up - it's Men-"z". It's not "g". When they were growing...there's something fundamentally wrong with this man - he can't speak, he doesn't understand his own name. When he was growing up, ''[speaks in a tone as if speaking to a child]'' "Hello Ming, shall we go to the  [[w:Zoo|goo]] and see the [[w:Zebra|gebra]]? We catch [[w:Zulu Dawn|Gulu Dawn]] and maybe get a "Ginger Burger"''[Zinger burger]''? It's a nonsense.
:'''Andy Parsons''': In fact, you should pronounce it "John Mingis"! Apparently it's to do with the defunct Scottish letter [[w:Yogh|zog]], eh! You couldn't make that sort of crap up, could you?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Shows you how boring the Liberal Democrats are. It's more interesting to talk about the defunct letter zog.
:'''Dara O Briain''':''[quizzical]'' How does a letter become defunct?
:'''Frankie Boyle''':''[himself Scottish]'' Ah, we didn't need it! We had enough of zog!

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely Things for a Royal Correspondent to say ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Isn't it wonderful to see Prince Charles being made king...at the age of 137! 
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the Queen there majestically taking her place in the queue, to withdraw her savings from Northern Rock. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Queen asked me if I was from the BBC and I said I was....and she told me to piss off!
:'''Andy Parsons''' There we see Prince Phillip going over to talk to aman from China...this should be interesting.
:'''Michael Macintyre''': In fact it's the Chinese premier, and he's just asked him for a menu. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Prince Harry hasn't been put off by the congestion charge, he says he still manages to come into Chelsea twice a day!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well the crowd are absolutely loving this event, the night sky is dancing with light, yes, the Queen set fire to Windsor Castle again...
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's great to see the whole family waving from the balcony....through the sights of my AK-47!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And as Prince Phillip cuts the tape to open this mental institution...the doctors have got him!
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== Season 6 ==
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=== 17 July 2008 [6.02] ===
:'''[[w:Stephen K. Amos|Stephen K. Amos]]''': Can I just say that I'm very excited to be here by the way, and if things don't go too well, I will be playing the [[w:Racism|race]] card.
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': That's always worked for me!
<hr width=50% />

:''[Suggested question for the answer '100 pounds per day']''
:'''Stephen K. Amos''': Is it [[w:David Blunkett|David Blunkett]]'s swear box as he hangs pictures?
:''[Mimes Blunkett hammering nails into the wall, missing and hitting his own thumb.]''
:'''[[w:Dara Ó Briain|Dara Ó Briain]]''': I get that he'd miss the nail because he's blind, but why's he hanging pictures? He's ''blind!''

<hr width=50%/>
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': When I was a kid, I grew up in a [[w:Vicarage|vicarage]] and in ten years, we were burgled thirteen times, and on the last occasion all they stole was my pants. 
:'''Ed Byrne''': Were you wearing a pair at the time? Because technically that's a different crime. 

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[On [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher's]] £3million state funeral]'' For £3million, they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we would dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally! 

====Scenes we'd like to see: Things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party====

:'''Andy Parsons''': Ignore the banging, [[w:Elizabeth Fritzl|she's been in there for twenty four years]]!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Help yourself to nibbles; he was our favourite hamster but it's what he would've wanted.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Are you sure this is pork? It's just my crackling has a tattoo.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, we don't say grace...we just sacrifice a child to the great god Imhotep!
:'''Russell Howard''': Doorbell! Excellent, that'll be Heather Mills and James Blunt, hope he's brought his guitair!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I hope no one is allergic to nuts, because I like to rest mine on the table.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well this is absolutely lovely. I say we all raise a glass...TO ZE FURHRER!
:'''Russell Howard''': Ten of you arrived. Only one will leave.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Anyway, long story short; after about two hours you couldn't tell what was poo and what was chocolate.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There is a vegetarian option...you can fuck off!

====Things you're unlikely to hear on a quiz show====

:'''Hugh Dennis''': Here is your starter for ten; spring rolls, sesame toast and chilli balls with prawn.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello, and welcome to Ask the Family! Mr. Fritzl, where's the rest of them?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, we're Ant and Dec and welcome to Double Our Money...er, Double ''Your'' Money!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm Anne Robinson, and if my botox wears off, my face will turn into a scrotum!
:'''Stephen K. Amos''': Look at what you could've won if you went to school.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Name: Ted Smith. Occupation: Carpenter. And your chosen specialised subject: the life and works of the carpenter Ted Smith.
:'''Russell Howard''': For a million pounds, please complete this well known phrase: "The-"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm Richard Whitely! ''[hums the Countdown theme then flatlines]''
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Welcome to inflation-adjusted "Who wants to be a Zimbabwe Millionaire"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': [[w:Deal or No Deal|It's the banker]]...he says he's got your kids.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And your question is on celebrities. Which jocular Irish host of the popular show "Mock the Week" is known as 'Dobby' for his uncanny resemblance to the house elf in Harry Potter? ''[Dara glowers at him]''



=== 24 July 2008 [6.03] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': To the Bat-Caravan!
:'''Russell Howard''': ''[imitating [[w:Russell Brand|Russell Brand]]]'' I'm a superhero! ''[normal voice]'' No Russell, you've drawn an 'S' on your forehead and sprinkled glitter on your penis.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': No, they call me Catwoman because I can lick my own arse!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hey Lois, just before we take off, I wanna check none of your liquids are over 100ml!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You're trapped, Spiderman, trapped in this enormous bath!
:'''Greg Davies''': No, R. Kelly, you can't join the Fantastic Four! It's not enough to believe you can fly!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, it's heading straight for the World Trade Center!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What's that, Joker? You'll be back? Somehow, I don't think you will be!

=== 31 July 2008 [6.04] ===
:'''Russell Howard''': The Daily Mail...racist in public so you don't have to be.

=== 7 August 2008 [6.05] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Bad things to say at a job interview ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What can I bring to the job? A burning hatred of the West, a hook for a hand, and a pilot's license.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The, uh, five year employment gap, yeah... I was canoeing?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Right, I hope we can all be professional about the fact that I've just split up with all three of you.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm only here because I'm hoping to slip on a wet floor and then fall off a ladder.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This job would be a great opportunity for me... to steal a shitload of stationary.
:'''Russell Howard''': HEY! I remember you from the dungeon. How you doing? It's me, Gimpy Terry!
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm Gimpy Terry's mate.
:'''Ed Byrne''': When can I start? Yesterday! But I can only work until today.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': 9 TIL 5? 9 TIL 5? MY MEDICATION WEARS OFF AT 3!

==== Scenes we'd like to see: Things you wouldn't hear on Songs Of Praise ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': HELLO CANTERBURY, LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the locals here on the Shetland isles are giving us a tremendous welcome. Today, we have our act of worship, and tomorrow, they're burning me in a wicker man.
:'''[[w:Zoe Lyons|Zoe Lyons]]''': Hello, I'm sister Margaret, and I'm an alcoholic.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The parishioners will now go forward to recieve communion if they can get past Altas and Predator.
:'''Russell Howard''': Christians in one corner, Muslims in the other, let's get ready to rumble!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the goat is strapped to the altar, so let's begin!
:'''Ed Byrne''': That was beautiful. Such a shame there's no one actually up there to have heard it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you're enjoying this, why not turn over to BBC Three where you can enjoy "Songs Of Praise Uncut"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The next reading is from St. Paul's first letter to "Jim'll Fix It".

=== 14 August 2008 [6.06] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Lines you wouldn't hear in a war film ====

:'''Frankie Boyle''': We've managed to crack the German code. Turns out they were sending messages in German.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[German accent and confused]'' Why are we speaking English?
:'''[[w:David Mitchell|David Mitchell]]''': So chaps, this is the strategy for the get out of the prisoner of war camp, we sit it out until the end of the war.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I can't feel my legs! That's because your arms have been blown off!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm saving private Ryan... money on his car insurance! 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is anyone else embarrassed that we've all turned up in the same outfit?
:'''Russell Howard''': There's only one way to settle this war, through the medium of dance.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You've each been selected for this mission, because you're unknown to the enemy, and you each have a special skill: Professor Hawking, John Lesley, Phil Neville, The Wu-Tang clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs monster, and Daniel Day Lewis! '''Welcome, to Operation: MIND-FUCK!'''
<!--
=== 21 August 2008 [6.07] ===
-->
=== 28 August 2008 [6.08] ===
:'''Russell Howard''': He's the Mayor of London simply because he was popular on a panel show. Frankie, you're gonna be PM!
:[audience applause]
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Don't applaud, you have some very tough years ahead of you.
<hr width=50% />
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In twenty years time, when a largely submerged London is being attacked by a platoon of al-Qaeda Jihad Scuba warriors, will it really help that we're slightly better at basketball?
:'''Dara Ó Briain''': Luckily, you'll be in the highest office in the land at that stage.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Citizens of New Atlantis, we must self-destruct! But Prime Minister Boyle, you say that in every crisis! This time I mean it!

=== 4 September 2008 [6.09] ===
====Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear On The Radio====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In that episode of The Hugh Dennis Story, Hugh Dennis was played by Bruce Willis, Steve Punt was played by Hugh Dennis, and the band was Showaddywaddy. (Hugh Dennis: You!)
:'''[[w:Michael McIntyre|Michael McIntyre]]''': You touch my turnips and I'll fuck you up. (imitates the theme to "The Archers")
:'''Andy Parsons''': And now for a travel update. There is an accident on the M1. It's a good one, so hurry up! There's flames and everything.
:'''Russell Howard''': Next on Radio 4, the dogging forecast.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Here on Trafficwatch, we're expecting long delays in the M4, but I'm about to hit my ex-wife's car with this helicopter.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now it's the panel show where our panel try to stave off premature ejaculation, yes, it's "Just A Minute"!
:'''Michael McIntyre''': Good morning, this is Breakfast with Tony Blackburn. I'm not actually on the radio, I've broken into your kitchen. Do you want toast?
:'''Russell Howard''': Next, more lesbian propaganda with "Woman's Hour".
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Well, you've certainly stumped the "Gardener's Question Time" panel. None of us know how to bring a fox to orgasm.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You're listening to Heart FM: The same five songs all day long.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': 6am! Welcome to the Breakfast Show! ''[wailing]'' Who's up at ''6am''!? My wife's leaving me! My dad didn't get up at 6am and he was fucking ''miner''!

=== 11 September 2008 [6.10] ===
====Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Small Ads ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Did you see a hit and run in the Cromwell Road on Tuesday night? Please get in touch, because I'm keen to silence any witnesses.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Parents, worried about unruly teenagers ruining your house? You need my book: "My House, My Rules" by Josef Fritzl.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Please get in touch. Our eyes met yesterday. You were the blonde undressing in your bedroom, I was the man lurking in your garden.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Legs, bums, and tums... wanted by cannibal.
:'''[[w:Stewart Francis|Stewart Francis]]''': Slightly used condoms for sale. No weirdos.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Are you an alcoholic? There's a sale on at Oddbins!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': House pricing falling, debts rising. Feel you can't cope? '''PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!'''
:'''Ed Byrne''': Gardening done. Think I'll put me feet up now.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Anger management CDs for sale. Don't ring before noon.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On Question Time ====
:'''Ed Byrne''': Allow me to answer your question with a question: Why don't you fuck off?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm going to take a question from a black man without mentioning that he's black. The man in the red jumper, please.
:'''Russell Howard''': Do I think the economy's in recession? Well, I believe it was Churchill who said (as Churchill the Dog) "Oh, yes!"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': David Jimbleby, you haven't answered a question all night. You are the weakest link. Goodbye!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A good question there. Is the BBC dumbing down? What do you think, Barry Chuckle?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Yes, my question is for Delilah. Why, why, why?
:'''Russell Howard''': (pretending to ride the mic stand like a carousel) Welcome to Question Time, coming to you this week live from Spearmint Rhino.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Question Time, tonight we're in Norwich. Let's say hello to the audience. Look, men from magic picture box go speaky-speaky!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is the wrong answer, Charles Clarke. Take off an item of clothing.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, good question. Gordon Brown, why don't you shove your tax increases up your ass?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If your dog isn't here, Mr. Blunkett, who's sniffing my balls?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I have a question for Boris Johnson. Do you know where you are?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is Britain becoming more misogynist? Let's ask this bitch.
<!--
=== 18 September 2008 [6.11] ===
=== 25 September 2008 [6.12] ===
=== 23 December 2008 [6.13] ===
-->

==Season 7==
=== 9 July 2009 [7.01] ===
==== Things you wouldn't hear from a weather forecaster ====
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': The Met Office have issued a weather warning, they've told the weather not to do that again or there will be trouble!
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Temperatures could rise to 31 degrees. '''SHIT, I'VE LEFT MY BABY IN THE CAR!!'''
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': A hurricane tonight will be caused by low pressure and God's hatred of homosexuality.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A huge depression over Scotland, and now the weather.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So here's the summary: Monday- Shite, Tuesday- Shite, Wednesday- Shite, Thursday- Bollocks.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This part of the country is gonna stay hot and wet for quite some time. Because that's where my girlfriend lives, Oh yeah!
:'''Russell Howard''': It was raining cats and dogs last night. I should know, I was throwing them off my roof.
:'''[[w:Gina Yashere|Gina Yashere]]''': What are you watching me for? Look out the fucking window!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What do you care what the weather's like? You look shit in all your clothes!

==== Deleted Lines from Star Trek ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This is the Federation of Gay Planets. Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What's wrong, Captain Picard? WHAT'S WRONG?! I'M A [[w:Patrick Stewart|SERIOUS SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR]] AND I'M TALKING TO THE AMBASSADOR OF THE FUCKING WORM PEOPLE!

=== 16 July 2009 [7.02] ===

:'''Frankie Boyle''':  It was great to watch Gordon Brown, looking incredibly uncomfortable next to Berlusconi. Berlusconi, is like an old style fixer, isn’t he? 
::'''''As Berlusconi:''''' You want pussy Brown? You want pussy? You want some blow, you want blow?
::'''''As Brown:''''' I'm - I'm just here to talk about trade.
::'''''As Berlusconi:''''' You want the boy! Yeah! I get you a boy Brown, I get you a girl, I get you a boy/girl! Four arms, four legs, it's like making love to a man spider! You want me to get rid of Cameron? I get rid of Cameron, Brown! I make it look like suicide – like he fell in love with the man spider! I'm turning Spanish for you, that's how much I love you Gordon babay! ''(starts chuckling)''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things to Read on a Packet ====

:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Ragu sauce: If you gave this to someone who was actually from Italy, they'd punch you in the face. 
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': To open, push down tab, break tab, swear repeatedly, STAB WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS!
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': Serves four, you greedy bastard. Now put some of that back. 
:'''Frankie Boyle]]''': Viagra are proud sponsors of Andy Murray. For people who can only ever achieve a semi.
:'''Tom Stade''': Bag may also be used for auto-erotic asphyxiation.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': Fairtrade coffee: If you don't like it, you're racist. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Sunny Delight counts toward your five a day... as minus two. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To stop diarrhoea, take one teaspoon, and shove it up your arse.
:'''Unknown''': Adults and children over 12 years. Try not to get those two mixed up.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Cup-a-soup: Just add soup. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Best before date: Rohypnol.
:'''Russell Howard''': Serving suggestion: on a plate, you ''thick moron''!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': We use only the very cheapest horsemeat to make ''Fuck It, It's Just a Cat''.

=== 23 July 2009 [7.03] ===
==== Deleted lines from a Fantasy Film ====
:'''Russell Howard''': I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. The heir to Isildur and part of the Fellowship of the ring. Please leave a message after the tone.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Ron had been suffering from Swine Flu and people were avoiding him. Luckily he was ginger and he was use to it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I don't know why you're so upset Harry. The original Dumbledore died three films ago and no-one gave a shit.
:'''Russell Howard''': Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe? No Edmund, we found your porn stash.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': My friends, we will never hear the world Mordor again. Taggart has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Lucy Porter|Lucy Porter]]''': No, Harry, it's not a five headed dog, It's Girls Aloud!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am Aslan. Formed by the merger of ASDA and Matalan.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': We had only been there for a day, but to us it felt like fifteen years. That's Birmingham!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Did you honestly think I could be defeated by someone younger? I... AM [[w:Arlene Phillips|ARLENE PHILLIPS]]!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to [[w:Mordor|Mordor]]. Twinned with Swansea.
:'''[[w:Greg Davies|Greg Davies]]''': (hugging Lucy Porter) This will never work, Frodo.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In the wardrobe, we found a magical compartment that led to.....the Fritzl family.
:'''Russell Howard''': HE STOLE IT FROM ME, MY PRECIOUS, MY.....oh no, it's in my pocket.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm not a dwarf, I'm a lesbian!

==== Things you don't want to hear from your flatmate ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That's my milk in the fridge. I squeeze it out of my tits with a vice.
:'''Andy Parsons''': No we can't share the electricity bill! I've got a phone charger and a laptop, and you're on a life support machine.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Our last flat was just like Friends! Have you seen "The One Where Joey Kills Everybody"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I love talking to you with you I can... (deepens voice) '''be my real self.'''
:'''Russell Howard''': There's just two of us, well three if you count God!
:'''Greg Davies''': I'd give you ten minutes in the toilet if I were you. That one could talk!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Well if you don't think I'm a nosey bastard, then why did you write that in your diary?
:'''Lucy Porter''': Oh that? That's just a novelty shower gel in the shape of a webcam.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, a Mr. Jihad called. He's says its time.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I don't see why I should pay for half the loo roll when I never use any!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'll tell you what, that hoover is powerful.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Ok, there's only one certain way to find out who ate my "yogourt": an AIDS test.

=== 30 July 2009 [7.04] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely Things To Hear On A Consumer Programme ====

:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': I'm Adrian Chiles, and I was shocked by the new "Shrek" film. I've not been paid for it, but I seem to be starring in it!
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Consumer scams are on the increase. If you would like find out how to stop them, send us your name and address, your date of birth, and your mother's maiden name.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': I've just found out my jumper is made by Indian slave children. Can I just say they did a wonderful job?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next, we speak to Barbara, who was devastated when she bought Daniel Bedingfield tickets that turned out to be genuine.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': At first the company seemd willing to compromise. Then we sent them a letter from Nicky Campbell and they told us to fuck off.
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': I won't be on the show next week because I'm going off to Nigeria to pick up my lottery winnings.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Last week, we said that we were going to expose London's security scene. This week we say there's been a misunderstanding, could I please have my kids back?
:'''Russell Howard''': On closer inspection, Mrs. Wilkins, your hamster's jacuzzi would appear to be a food blender.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hi, I'm Nicky Campbell, and I've been plowing through the usual five sacks of hate mail to find this letter complaining about washing powder.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Today, as I stand before you penniless in the last clothes I own, we ask, "Is divorce biased in favor of the greedy bitch who left me?"
:'''Russell Howard''': We got there, the weather were crap, the food were crap, the locals were racist, what a bloody brilliant holiday!
:'''[[w:Adam Hills|Adam Hills]]''': Of the half-dozen condoms we tested, all but two burst in my stomach.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm Anne Robinson, and without plastic surgery, I'd look like E.T.'s balls.

==== Things A Sports Commentator Would Never Say ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, they've called in the video referee. Which is better: "Alien" or "Predator"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': AH, YES, AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL UPPER CUT, AND ANOTHER ONE, BUT HEY, THE DJ IS STILL NOT GONNA CHANGE THE TRACK FROM STEVEN GERARD!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Jimmy White holding up the queue there, as he collapses at the till at Oddbends.
:'''Russell Howard''': Welcome to Robot Wars. Cruncher, ready! Stephen Hawking, (as Hawking) ready.
:'''Adam Hills''': And England have won The Ashes. (crowd boos)
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's the women's 100 meters final, and from left to right, it's: no, no, yes, maybe, from behind, (shakes head), definitely not.
:'''Russell Howard''': The queen smashes Camilla in the face, and Prince Phillip hits her with a hammer! This is what I call a royal rumble.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Venus Williams has brought something different to the ladies' game: male genitalia.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Ah, he's great with a dead ball. When I had one, I had to sit down for a week.
:'''[[w:Alun Cochrane|Alun Cochrane]]''': And I think that massive widescreen close-up of the wedgie goes someway to explaining why we don't normally televise judo.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And that bloody smear is the reason you don't see a lot of streakers in Formula 1.
:'''Russell Howard''': [[w:1966 FIFA World Cup Final|Some people are on the pitch. They think it's all over...it is now]], the Chinese Secret Police have shot them!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, he's finally got his head down, his hands are firmly over the shaft, which is why I'm handing over to John Inferdales.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Overpaid, Overpaid knocks it over to Overrated, Overrated on to Possible Rapist, POSSIBLE RAPIST KNOCKS IT FORWARD, CLOSET GAY... '''GOOOOOOAL!'''

=== 6 August 2009 [7.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From A Thriller ====

:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Michael, Peter, David, Vladimir. I think there may be a spy in the organisation.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Get me the Pentagon, then the Triangle and then the Square.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': Miss Scarlett looked at him through the window. He had one massive testicle like a space-hopper. THAT is why they called him Professor Plum.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This no ordinary pen Bond, if you turn it upside-down the woman's clothes drop off and you can see her tits.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': RED OR GREEN, RED OR GREEN? WHICH DO I CUT?! COME ON, THEY'RE ONLY PEPPERS! HOW LONG IS THIS THIS SALAD GOING TO TAKE?!
:'''Russell Howard''': I have amnesia, the tattoos will tell me where I've been, [looks] "Dara was here"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I've been a serial killer for four years without a nickname, but you bite a guy on the arse once and suddenly, you're the Butt-Muncher.
:'''Russell Howard''': ARGH! THE BUTT-MUNCHER'S GOT ME!

=== 13 August 2009 [7.06] ===
==== Bad things to hear at the psychiatrist's ====
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist, I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed the psychiatrist before you got here.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': You think you are a potato? On the couch, please.
:'''[[w:Ed Byrne|Ed Byrne]]''': Welcome to your first session of Freudian analysis. What seems to be the penis?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Well you say that you're paranoid, but I have a report here that says you looked very relaxed in the bath this morning.
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': Oh yes, I can see why you fancy your mother. She's something of a fox!
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': I see you've tried to commit suicide five times. Your dad was right. You are useless.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You've been coming here for six months to talk about your trust issues... while we've been filming you for "Britain's Nuttiest Bastards"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I think your parents caused you problems from an early age, Clitorina.
:'''[[w:Stewart Francis|Stewart Francis]]''': Your thoughts that you are horrifically unattractive are all in your mind... Mr. Johnson?
:'''Russell Howard''': Okay, word association. I'm gonna say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your breasts.
:'''Ed Byrne''': That's really interesting. You mind if I use some of this stuff as lyrics for my band?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You have an emotional problem and a very low IQ. I'm prescribing "Hollyoaks".
:'''Ed Byrne''': Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
:'''Russell Howard''': I want you to go to your happy place. Judging by the size of you, that's probaly Greggs.

==== Unlikely things to hear on a TV Talent show ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': 2007's winner Leon Jackson is still selling records... at his Saturday job at HMV Pasley.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Of course it's not a freak show! Now get your siamese twin asses on that stage and you nail "Papa Don't Preach"!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Two crosses light up and the crowd cheers... as Stavros Flatly are crucified in flames.
:'''Russell Howard''': (old lady voice) Hello, I'm Rita, I'm 87 and I'm gonna do keepy up with me boobs. (starts jumping) I'm like bloody Ronaldo, look at me go!
:'''Ed Byrne''': Ok, you're right. I don't really have any talent, but I'm kind of cute. I'm Kylie Minogue's sister, for God's sake!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What a hilarious singing dog... Susan Boyle is.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': When you said you were going to saw a woman in half... I thought you were a magician.
:'''Ed Byrne''': My family aren't going to believe it when they see it on TV. They think I'm dead!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello I'm Susan Boyle and I wanna say hello to my brother Frankie. (waves to the camera)
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Susan Boyle is not related to me. None of my relatives will ever manage to chisel their way out of that cellar.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am an escapologist. Today, I have escaped from Broadmoor!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next on ITV4, it's ITV3's coverage of ITV2's making of documentary about the coverage on ITV4.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, I'm Billy Cock and this is my partner Brian Balls! And togther we are... Billy and Brian!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That was a beautiful song... until you fucking sang it.
<!--
=== 20 August 2009 [7.07] ===
-->

=== 27 August 2009 [7.08] ===
==== If this is the answer what is the question? ''[Answer: One-fifth]'' ====

:'''[[w:Fred Macauley|Fred Macauley]]''': Is this: what fraction of the Jackson five will miss the christmas party?
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': Is this: How much of the weekend can Andrew Flintoff remember?
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': How much of [[w:French and Saunders|French and Saunders]] is Saunders?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': England's only dwarf king was Henry the what?
:'''Russell Howard''': Whether you like it or not, how much happier are you when you see a fat person fall over?

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Want To Hear At Work ====
:'''[[w:Sean Walsh|Sean Walsh]]''': Oh. Oh, you've already given Michael his dosage. ''[bites lip]''.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That's not a photocopier, it's a shredder. And what have you done to your arse?
:'''Russell Howard''': So, your probably want to know I got the nickname "Dog Botherer"...
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': ''[sarcastically]'' Imagine that, my first day at work and I've appeared to have slipped on a wet floor. Hmm, I think I might be entitled to compensation.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': He's the CEO, he's the COO and I'm the head of the agricultural division, the CIEIO.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Now, I want you all to put down those football boots you've been sewing, because I've heard that it's someone's very special 11th birthday and we got you a photo of a cake! (sings "Happy Birthday" in phony mandarin)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, this isn't the first operation I've done. Last time, I got almost the whole way around before the buzzer went off. 
:'''Russell Howard''': We've ran out of semi-skimmed, so I've topped your coffee up with breast milk. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What do you mean it's not your turn to make the coffee? This is fucking Starbucks!
:'''Fred Macauley''': Get off, you're shit! 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Whoops! This air traffic control thing's not as easy as it looks. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK IN A LIBRARY! IF ONLY I COULD READ!

=== 3 September 2009 [7.09] ===
==== Rejected questions from this year's exams ====
:'''Russell Howard''': What colour does a smurf go when we choke it?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Translate the following into German: "Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo daa doo daa".
:'''Frankie Boyle''': How many Pepperami big boys could you feed to Victoria Beckham through a tube before she became visible to the human eye?
:'''Russell Howard''': What is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the centre of the Earth? Is it A: gravity or B: ''magic?''
:'''Andy Parsons''': Katie Price is supposedly worth eight and a half million pounds and has got a thriving TV career. Explain.
:'''Stewart Francis''': If w:George Michael|George Michael leaves at 8 o'clock for a 5 mile drive, when does he crash?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There are six w:Cocaine|lines of equal length. How long will w:Kerry Katona|Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If a train was going at 70mph, how surprised would you be? 
:'''Holly Walsh''': What is amnesia? Is it A: memory loss, A: memory loss...or 4: the Battle of Hastings?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If Sally buys 3 oranges and 2 apples, how far south of Scotland is she?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a paedophile.
:'''Holly Walsh''': What is amnesia? Is it A: memory loss...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Draw a diagram of the male genitalia. Please use the tracing paper provided.
:'''Stewart Francis''': What are most Canadians known for saying, eh?
:'''Andy Parsons''': English: Is standards declining?
:'''Russell Howard''': Hitler, Pol Pot, Genghis Khan. Shag, marry, or kill?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There's a wedding where Jane invites 20 guests and her partner Helen invites 40 guests. How angry is God?

==== Unlikely things to hear on a TV business show ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the w:FTSE Global Equity Index Series|Footsie has had it's best day since March. It went shopping, had lunch with friends and took in a show before shagging a complete stranger it met in a bar.
:'''Russell Howard''': Our invention lets you know whether or not a girl fancies you. We call it beer.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Ok, Dragons, I've developed a system that lets you get your own seat on the bus and it involves '''TALKING SLIGHTLY TOO LOUDLY THEN PISSING YOURSELF!'''
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This morning, I'm asking for half a million pounds and with that I will buy half a million lottery tickets.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Good evening, Dragon. Oh geez, what the hell is that?! That's Evan Davies, the host? I'm out.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Okay, we may have lost some money promoting Michael Jackson O2, but let's face it: I've just signed a deal for the Oasis tour.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello and welcome to Working Lunch, a show for people who are so good at business, they're sat at home watching the TV in the middle of the fucking day.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Dragons, I have 3 words for you: Reggae Reggae Condoms.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The last task was easy and yet you cocked it up! I only asked you to The Italian Job (1969 film)|blow the bloody doors off!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This week, the Dragons meet a retired Nigerian brigadier with an offer that sounds too good to be true!
:'''Russell Howard''': Today, there was a hard drop on the Footsie, and I got a bruisie on my handy-wandy.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This week the Apprentices face their toughest task ever: selling the shite Sir Alan actually makes.

=== 10 September 2009 [7.10] ===
==== Bad things to hear from a tour guide ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Please don't take photos of the natives because they believe you are taking part of their souls. Apart from that, enjoy Norwich.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello, my name's Janet, I'm your holiday rep, and basically I'll be giving out morning after pills like they were Smarties.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (audibly whispering) Good morning. I'm afraid this is the loudest I can speak.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Venice is a most historical city famous for it's-- oh shit, it's flooded! Everybody get back on the bus!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A lot of you will be wondering why there are a lot of foreign treasures here at the British Museum. And the answer is quite simple, really: gun beats spear.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, this castle does cater for the disabled. They bring you a sandwich while the rest of us tour up the castle.
:'''Russell Howard''': Let's have a little song, shall we? (does the opening notes of "Dueling Banjos")
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up later on, we've got the topless donkey derby and "Who's Got The Funniest Willy" competition. Yes, it's gonna be the best Saga holiday you've ever had.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I know that a lot of you can't bear to leave Thailand, which is why I've hidden drugs randomly in your luggage.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And as we enter the next room, I need you all to quiet because we've technically broken in.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If you need anything, anything at all, I'll be under your bed.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': And if you look out the window on your left, you'll see the side of the road that we should be driving on.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Of course, you have to respect local customs. On the right hand side, you'll see a woman being burnt at the stake, and on the left, Dundee Town Hall.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, this is the deepest, darkest part of the cave. Unless you give me twenty pounds each, it's where you're staying.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And according to Wikipedia, the east wing was built in the year Dougie is a homo.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': We're now leaving the green zone. Pop on your flak jackets, this is the real Baghdad.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': An adult and two children is ten pounds. But enough about my trip to Cambodia.

<!--
=== 17 September 2009 [7.11] ===
-->
=== 24 September 2009 [7.12] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Unlikely things to hear in a history documentary ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Next, a documentary about the life of the Queen-Mother, which contains nudity and strong language from the start.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And it was here, at this exact spot that faced with thirty-thousand baying Frenchmen that Henry V shat himself.
:'''David Mitchell''': At the first day of the battle of the Somme, over sixty thousand documentaries were commisisoned.
:'''Milton Jones''': [''Impersonating a war veteran''] I was in the parachute regiment, I was dropped over occupied territory [''imitates whistling as though falling.''] Four-thousand feet, three-thousand, two-thousand. I pulled the chord. My cugoule tightened.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Two world wars and one world cup, do-da.
:'''Milton Jones''': Fifteen fourty-seven, Nostradamus predicts the rock group w:Kaiser Chiefs (band)|The Kaiser Chiefs, he also w:I Predict a Riot|predicts a riot.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The final outcome of the Second World War has changed the world forever, so if you don't want to know the result, look away now.

=== 22 December 2009 [7.13] ===
==== Unlikely things to hear at Christmas ====
:'''Russell Howard''': In the current financial market, a dog is not just for Christmas. It's for Christmas dinner.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Bad news I'm afraid, Santa didn't realise it was an eco-house and he's been sliced to pieces by the wind turbine.
:'''Russell Howard''': Have you been a naughty boy this year, Tommy? Would you like to be? I've got money.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Chlymidia.
:'''Milton Jones''': A grain of rice for Christams. Thanks. Thanks Uncle Ben.
:'''Russell Howard''': Why is your nose so red, Rudolph? Because I'm an alcoholic.
:'''Milton Jones''': Baby Jack, we didn't know whether to get you a toy or a pet so we've compromised and brought you a rattlesnake.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hey, great! New socks! I'm off for a wank!
:'''David Mitchell''': I remember when I stopped believing in Father Christmas. The year he abused me.
:'''Russell Howard''': Mum! I was hiding in a sock and Andy did something weird in it!
:'''Milton Jones''': Daddy! I ripped one of my presents up too quickly and it was a puppy!
:'''Russell Howard''': Last night Santa emptyed his sack in our room. Which is why I'm leaving your mother.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (as the Queen) This Christmas, I've decided to keep this Christmas broadcast short and sweet: Piss off.

==Season 8==
=== 21 January 2010 [8.01] ===  
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch ====

:'''Patrick Kielty''': ''(as [[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]])'' But before we see tonight's crime, let's meet the judges.
:'''Russell Howard''': Poilce say they are looking for a black man in his 20s...and that w:Racial profiling|they always will be.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Do you recognize this man? Thought not. It's Nick Clegg.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up next week, we'll be trying to solve the murders of the people who phoned up giving information on criminals ''this'' week.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Today, we're looking at identify theft. I'm... [pauses]
:'''Russell Howard''': All the victims are deaf, dumb, or blind. These are senseless killings.
:'''Mark Watson''': Baffled police are looking for help. Do you know where Wally is?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Tonight, we're looking for the man who keeps on burglaring my home every time I present this program.
:'''Patrick Kielty''': Hello and welcome to Crimewatch. I'm your host Wikipedia:Ray Winstone|Ray Winstone. LEAVE IT YOU SLAG!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Hello, I'm Nick Ross, and tonight I'm asking, "Who stole my fucking job?"

==== Unlikely things to hear on a TV election debate ====
:'''Patrick Kielty''': The truth. (''walks back'')
:'''Russell Howard''': Labour, ready! Tories, ready! w:Hole in the Wall (UK game show)|BRING ON THE WALL!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I think of this studio as a second home, w:United Kingdom Parliamentary expenses scandal|which is why I'm claiming expenses for it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the lines have closed. w:Gordon Brown|Gordon, it could be you. w:David Cameron|David, it could be you. w:Nick Clegg|Nick... it's not gonna be you.
:'''Patrick Kielty''': It's me that got you into this mess, and it's him that'll get you out of it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And at the end of that round, Gordon, you scored...no points.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Cheryl, tonight you're going to be mentoring the Lib-Dems.
:'''Milton Jones''': (pretending he's floating) Hello. I am the messiah...and the Queen is a biscuit.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am almost certain that was a floating voter.

=== 28 January 2010 [8.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to hear at an awards ceremony ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Our next award is for Most Inaccurate Weather Forecast of the Year. Let's look at the 9,000 nominees.
:'''Russell Howard''': Welcome to the Islamic awards for acting, or as we call them, The Mosquers.
:'''Chris Addison''': Gosh, so many people to thank. Where to begin? Obvious one, I suppose, Hitler. Uh.. What? What? What?
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the award for Best Envelope Glue goes to... (pretends to struggle opening the envelope)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Now, Teacher of the Year. Quiet down, it's your own time you're wasting.
:'''Chris Addison''': Time now to celebrate the stars of showbusiness who sadly are still with us.
:'''John Bishop''': I'll just open the envelope... oh, it's full of gold.
:'''Russell Howard''': And the award for Best Special Effects goes to the team behind Gordon Brown's smile.
:'''Sarah Millican''': And now we're a film showing some of the people that we've lost this year, including two you didn't even know were dead!
:'''Russell Howard''': (looking at card) I banged that, I banged that, wouldn't bang that, I've banged that. Anyway, the award for Best Actress goes to...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (walking towards the mike) Welcome to the Accident At Work Awards. (trips and falls)
:'''Andy Parsons''': And winner of the Suicide Bomber of the Year, I'm afraid they couldn't be with us tonight...
:'''John Bishop''': And the winner of the Best Scientist In Physics is... There's no ramp, Stephen Hawking, it's not you.

=== 4 February 2010 [8.03] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely lines to hear in a Hollywood Blockbuster ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Nemo, where the ''fuck'' have you been?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Look Mr. Bond, you wanna hire the Ford Focus or not?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Mr. Vader, we are the child support agency.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Welcome to the Fox News Channel.
:'''Andi Osho''': Warning: This film contains Jennifer Aniston.
:'''Andy Parsons''': SPIDER-MAN! LOOK OUT! IT'S ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPER MAN!
:'''Andrew Maxwell''': (moans like Chewbacca, then coughs) Oh, sorry. Where did you want to go, Han?
:'''Russell Howard''': (As E.T.) E.T. got bone.
:'''Andy Parsons''': M, I've worked out what to do with Goldfinger. What we do is put him in a big envelope marked "Cash My Gold".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What do you think of my Fathers 4 Justice costume, Robin?
:'''Russell Howard''': Mmm, crack and heroin, Gromit!
:'''Andi Osho''': Look, I'm just an ex-prime minister standing before an Iraq inquiry asking them to love him.
:'''Russell Howard''': Oy! Oy! Oy! Look, Hermione! Cockus Engorgio!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So this mission is impossible? Let's not bother.
:'''Andi Osho''': Andy DuFraine. When he walked into Shawshank, I knew he was fucked.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Revenge will be mine, Mr. Bond, when we meet in small claims court.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Use the force, Luke. And if that doesn't work, turn it off and turn it back on again.

=== 11 February 2010 [8.04] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to read in a Valentines Day card ====

:'''Russell Howard''': I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got something nasty and now so do you.
:'''Holly Walsh''': You make me so hot, I can't stop thinking about you, lots of love, mum.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Happy Valentines day on this 24th of Feb, love Royal Mail.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You're the perfect person for me: pissed and gagging for it.
:'''Russell Howard''':  Be my valentine, or die in a well.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I love your eyes, I love your nose, I love your smell, why must you be a Labrador?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You make my pants hot. Yours, w:Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab|Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Roses are red, violets are blue, valentines day is consumers bullshit, now haven't you got some ironing to do?  
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do we have to go through this shit every year?
:'''Holly Walsh''': Roses are red, poppies are red, the grass is all red '''shit the garden's on fire!'''
:'''Russell Howard''': I love you so much, I love you like no other, but never again lez up with my mother.

=== 18 February 2010 [8.05] ===
==== Scenes we'd like to see: Unlikely things to get through your letterbox ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Royal Mail parcel delivery. We called, you were in, so we ran away before you could answer.
:'''Russell Howard''': Just three pounds a month will save last year's "X Factor" winner from starving.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Do you know what's in your attic? It's me, I've been there since Christmas.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Have you seen this dog? No? Maybe your windows are too dirty. Call Kevin the Window Cleaner.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Are you looking for a dog walking service? Then call Ace Kebabs on 318 318.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Computer problems? Let me come round and swear at it.
:'''Russell Howard''': Why has your girlfriend stopped changing near the window? Love, Dad.
:'''Chris Addison''': Pizza: buy one, pay full price.
:'''Ed Byrne''': How's my driving? Call 0800 CRASHEDINTOYOURHOUSE.
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Dear Miss Winehouse, congratulations on turning 100. Best wishes, the queen.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Need a room cleaning? Call me. I'll come round and fart in it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Looking for an undertaker? Why not call Ace Kebabs on 318 318?
:'''Chris Addison''': Gardening service. Middle of the night a specialty. Call Rose West on Broadmoor- (audience starts booing) Too soon? Too soon?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hello, my name's Ashley Cole. Here's a picture of me naked.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would you recognize a fake ID? No? Great, I'll be back in ten minutes.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The Taj Mahal Indian restuarant. Formerly Ace Kebabs.
:'''Russell Howard''': Open your letterbox. It's me! (buzz) I'll get through one day. (Hugh Dennis walks in and looks at Russell)

==== Things you wouldn't hear at the Winter Olympics ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And here are the British ice dance pair Heather Mills and John Sargent.
:'''Russell Howard''': And now over to bobsled. Bob, how's the curling?
:'''Ed Byrne''': And while we wait to get them set up there, let's pan the camera there. Beautiful scenery. Look, there's a herd of moose. No, that's the Rumanian women's ice hockey team.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is the big hill. Oh, that's long! That's very long! He's gonna wish he's done his fly's up!
:'''Kevin Bridges''': It's 1 AM in the UK, you're watching the women's figure skating. Why not just bite the bullet and turn to Television X for the 10 minute preview?
:'''Andy Parsons''': And Britain goes away with two golds, two silver and a bronze. Well, that'll teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker open.
:'''Chris Addison''': And the conditions here reaching a bitter minus 20 degrees Centigrade. The British hopeful from Newcastle has put on a second string vest.
:'''Kevin Bridges''': You're watching the women's curling... men's curling... women's... you're watching the curling!
:'''Andy Parsons''': No one has more experience than him. What a wonderful games it's been so far for Pingu.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And the conditions are perfect, aren't they, John? Yes, they are, Bob. I haven't seen much this white powder since that stag weekend in a hotel in Bangkok.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, and that's what ice hockey is all about: a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall!
:'''Russell Howard''': The ski jump will start as soon as w:Eddy the eagle|the British skier takes his hand off the side and stops crying.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And there, the skier's surprisingly stopped off halfway for a mulled wine and a shit.
<!-- 
=== 25 February 2010 [8.06] ===
-->

=== Sport Relief Special - 18 March 2010 ===
==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Charity Show ====

:'''Russell Howard''': I'm Terry Wogan, and if you don't donate to Children In Need, I'll take Pudsey's other eye!
:'''Ed Byrne''': And John Terry's agreed to do a lot for Charity, and her sister Verity, and her sister Gracie.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And remember, every pound you give leaves you a pound poorer.
:'''Chris Addison''': Alright, look, let's cut the bullshit. Bottom line, you all send us a fiver, we'll put the proper telly back on.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We desperately need your money. We're Portsmouth Football Club.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Well, that was some shocking footage there. I don't think anyone could fail but be moved and harrowed by that piece of film there. But buy the single anyway, it is for a good cause.
:'''Russell Howard''': Next on ADHD Relief - ooh, a penguin!
:'''Kevin Bridges''': For just £35 a month, you can provide a child with unlimited text messages and 500 minutes.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Every Premiership footballer has pledged a week's wages, so with that, we have bought Africa.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up later, we'll be poking Pudsey the Bear with sticks and making him dance.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And if we reach the target of three million pounds, I will shave my balls. And if we don't, I will still shave my balls. I don't mind doing it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So why not run the Sport Relief mile? I'm going to. Piers Morgan's coming!
:'''Chris Addison''': Celebrities have been doing their bit, they've been texting in all night. We've got one from Vernon Kay- Oh, my god.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Every time I click my fingers, my PA brings me a cappucino.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We have sent Nick Knowles to a poverty stricken village in Africa. My God, haven't those people suffered enough?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Chris Evans has spent the night in a bathtub full of baked beans, and when he's sobered up, he's gonna come in and do something for Comic Relief.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And now the cast of a West End show, desperately plugging their dying musical.
:'''Russell Howard''': This telethon raises money to get the homeless people of Britain gloves. That's right, it's time for Hand Relief!
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Just £8 a month can help these African children build a well, to hide from Madonna.

==Season 9==
===17 June 2010 [9.01] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Commercials That Never Aired ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Want to dress like you've got no GCSEs? Come on down to [[w:JJB Sports|JJB]]!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This ad may be thoroughly misleading, the product may not work, and it may burn your face off.
:'''Russell Howard''': Fed up with your dull, gray hair? Get used to it; you're a squirrel!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Incest: Just do it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Marmite: You either love it, or you hate it, or you think it's okay, but you'd rather have marmalade.
:'''Chris Addison''': [[w:Burger King|Burger King]]: Because you can't taste anything when you're pissed!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Have you got long, dry hair? Could we [[w:Efforts to stem the Deepwater Horizon oil spill|stuff it down an oil well?]]
:'''Andy Parsons''': Oy, Churchill! Have you been rubbing your arse on the carpet again?
:'''Diane Morgan''': Hello. I'm [[w:Carol Vorderman|Carol Vorderman]], and this is my grandmother. Yes, I will ''literally'' sell anything!
:'''Milton Jones''': I used to drink [[w:Strongbow (cider)|Strongbow]] cider with my mate Dave. But he was killed by an arrow.
:'''Russell Howard''': It's Christmas every day with new brussel sprout flavored condoms. Mmm, tastes like Grandma's ankles.

=== 24 June 2010 [9.02] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Won't Hear Your Sat Nav Say ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Don't be angry, but while you were getting petrol, I shagged your iPod.
:'''Andy Parsons''': ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (Imitating arnold schwarzenegger) In 300 miles, you will realise this gimmicky voice was a terrible mistake.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Turn right at the next junction for a bloody good dogging site.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Turn right. Wrong. I didn't say "Sat Nav Says".
:'''Russell Howard''': Bear left. And over to the right, squirrel!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (looks around) Where the fuck are we?

=== 1 July 2010 [9.03] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear At The World Cup ====
:'''Russell Howard''': I tell you what, that Nelson Mandela's a bit of a dick.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And on comes the sub for North Korea. And it's torpedoed the opposition!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Heskey scores!
:'''Russell Howard''': The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
:'''Russell Howard''': Yes, [[w:Emanuel Adebayor|Emanuel Adebayor]], I understand ''exactly'' what you just said.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the English fans are taunting the American fans by holding up an oil-covered pelican.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': England, of course, are being sponsored by Tesco Online, which is why John Terry has just been substituted by three ripe avacados.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And here we are on safari. There is a giraffe and an ostrich. I'm terribly sorry, it's Peter Crouch's parents.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Englad are playing fantasticly. This is a splendid... DVD of 1966.

==== Unlikely Letters To Television Channels ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''(In a Middle Eastern voice)'' As a terrorist, I've been watching "Countdown" with interest. It is rubbish, nothing happens!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear News 24: Go to bed.
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear Bravo, I don't know how to put this, but well done!
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear Channel 5, isn't it just about time you called it a day? No one will mourn!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm writing to thank you. On Sunday afternoon, whilst watching television with my wife, I was urged to press the red button. I did, and my wife had her first orgasm in 40 years.
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Al-Jazeera: Please bring back your hit sitcom, ''[[w:Men Behaving Badly|Men Behaving]] [[w:Baghdad|Bagdadly]]''.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Dear History Channel: The Nazis were bad. We get it.
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear Hallmark: Roses are red, violets are blue, your cards are shit and your channel is too.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear Channel 4, why don't you pricks book me for any of your shows?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear "Points Of View", who shall I write to if I think "Points Of View" is shit?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear Fiver: If I give you a tenner, will you pleasestop broadcasting?
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Channel 4, why not liven up "Deal Or No Deal" by putting a nail bomb in one of the boxes?

<!--
=== 15 July 2010 [9.04] ===
-->
=== 22 July 2010 [9.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Rejected Questions From This Year's Exams ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To keep them cool, the testes of the male homosapiens are on the outside. Should he put them back in his trousers?
:'''Russell Howard''': Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
:'''Ed Byrne''': [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|If an oil well is spilling out oils at 50,000 barrels a day]], how do you stop it? Really. How do you stop it?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you mix [[w:Conservative Party|blue]] and [[w:Liberal Democrats|yellow]], how crap is your government?
:'''Russell Howard''': If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be?
:'''Andy Parsons''': A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70 miles per hour along the M25. In what imaginary universe are they in fact driving?
:'''Russell Howard''': Henry VIII loved the bitches. Discuss.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Chemistry: What's that smell?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call Claims Direct?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Your mum's a slag. Discuss.

==== Things You Won't Hear On A Gardening Programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip: Be careful what you do with the ''(in a high voice)'' shears.
:'''Russell Howard''': And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Last year, I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, so I phoned up "Time Team" and told them I'd just found a Roman coin.
:'''Russell Howard''': And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. ''(holding his fists up)'' Hi, guys!
:'''Ed Byrne''': You see, David here has got some nice bogia, and Jemima has got some nice hydragia, and I've got Chlamydia. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, that's all for this week. I'm off home to plant my seeds. My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot.
:'''Russell Howard''': (''as an old woman'') Why grow flowers when you can steal them from a traffic black spot?
<!--
=== 29 July 2010 [9.06] ===
=== 9 September 2010 [9.07] ===
=== 16 September 2010 [9.08] ===
=== 23 September 2010 [9.09] ===
-->

=== 30 September 2010 [9.10] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear In A Quiz Show ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': We asked 100 people, name something you eat with a spoon, and the top answer was: "Piss off, I'm busy".
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Noel, your soul for a ressurected career. Deal or No Deal?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You have one lifeline left. That's calling your country's goverment to see whether they will accept our demands.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So this question for 100 pounds: What is your PIN number?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it. And by that, of couse, I mean my bottom.
:'''Patrick Kielty''': £60 for half a pound of coke. Deal or no deal?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': ''[Shifty]'' Deal.
<!--
=== 7 October 2010 [9.11] ===
=== 14 October 2010 [9.12] ===
-->

==Season 10==
=== 9 June 2011 [10.01] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Okay, today, we're going to have a special outing. So, Miss Williams, if you would like to tell everybody why you're a lesbian.
:'''Milton Jones''': We welcome a new member of staff today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body, and we will call him "The Head".
:'''Chris Addison''': Would [[w:Milkshake (song)|whoever's milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard]] please stop it?
:'''Greg Davies''': I'm sorry to keep you waiting, boys and girls. I've just had a shit the size of a baby seal.
:'''Chris Addison''': If you're found in posession of cocaine, you'll be given 100 lines. No, wait...
:'''Seann Walsh''' And today in the after school club, we'll be using paper-mache to make a mother that actually loves you enough to pick you up at 3:00.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Cur. (waits for the laughter to die down) His nickname will remain the same.
:'''Greg Davies''': A wise man once said, boys and girls, that if you try your hardest, you can fulfill your dreams. Generally, that's true. Not for you though, Tom. You can't read. So...
:'''Seann Walsh''': And today everyone, we have a new boy. Now for some reason, whatever reason, he's been to a lot of schools, so be kind to him. Would you please make your way to the front, Richard Poowilly?
:'''Milton Jones''': A word about registers: Most of the staff are on one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So that is how you put on a condom. But sir, shouldn't you have used a cucumber? Not without E. Coli kicking around.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Sorry. Sorry I'm late, I've just had a run-in with an interactive whiteboard. It told me to fuck off.
:'''Chris Addison''': I've had all your mums.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Talent Show ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in German accent) Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a stepladder.
:'''Greg Davies''': (in an off-key voice) You're right! I can't sing! Thanks!
:'''Milton Jones''': I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who was run over last week and is in hospital. (Singing) The wheels of the bus go round and round...
:'''Seann Walsh''': I've got an ability that no one else on this planet has. (points) That's Ant, that's Dec.
:'''Andy Parsons''': It was like Elvis was in the building. You're fat and there's a stench of death.
:'''Chris Addison''': Now, Peter, it's not what everyone would call entertainment, but you are one hell of an assassin!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I thought you hit the high notes really, really well. Be interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp.
:'''Greg Davies''': Oh, where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here. (takes the mic to his groin and sings "Feelings")
:'''Hugh Dennis''': When you said you were gonna ride a donkey...
:'''Andy Parsons''': Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants going, (singing) ''Feelings...''
:'''Chris Addison''': That was an exceptional performance and the way you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational. But this is a chip shop, the "X Factor" audition is next door.
:'''Seann Walsh''': (as Michael MacIntyre) I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're all terrible, okay? All of you, you're completely dreadful. I don't know what you're doing, especially you, Hasselhoff. What have you done since "Baywatch"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': As well as that, I can also unzip the top of me head, it's where I keep me pajamas.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I know you said you were a Gary Glitter tribute act, but we weren't expecting you to do that!

=== 16 June 2011 [10.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On A History Documentary ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Russians had Lemsip. The Americans had Night Nurse. This was The Cold War.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And it was in this humble florists that The War of The Roses began.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Guy Fawkes' bit to blow up the House of Parliament when he realized his body was made of jumpers and his head was an old football.
:'''Chris Addison''': Tonight on "Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain": (As Bruce) "Bo to Sea, To Sea Bo"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Horatio Nelson: One arm, one eye. A tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep and someone finds your organ donor card.
:'''Diane Morgan''': Welcome to "Biggest Historical Boobs" with me, Katie Price.
:'''Chris Addison''': Tonight, I intend to find out exactly what did happen to Hitler's other ball, and my search begins right here, in the Albert Hall.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And on "Time Team" tonight, we're in Stratford-On-Avon, where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons and some typewriters.
:'''Andy Parsons''': When Hitler started writing "Mein Kampf", he intended it to be a lighthearted romp called "Carry On Kampfing".
:'''Chris Addison''': John F. Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon. If history teaches us anything it's that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': To be honest, I'm not interested all this old nonsense, really. But since the end of "Blackadder", the work's been fairly odd.
:'''Ed Byrne''': It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin presented "Weakest Link" for as long as she did.
:'''Chris Addison''': Of course, the Bronze Age was the third best age in history.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now the documentary that every Channel 5 commisioner has dreamt of: "Did Hitler Sink The Titanic?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for three weeks and we've found this one piece of crockery which tells us we desperately need to get laid.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear Over A Tannoy ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We apologize to customers recently alighted at Northampton. I opened the wrong doors.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Could all the people shopping here at ASDA please accept the fact that you are piss-poor?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Clean up required in the magazine aisle between "Loaded" and "Nuts"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would the parents of the lost child please pick up at the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him.
:'''Diane Morgan''': I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week is 100% off German Bean Sprouts.
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you would like to upgrade to first class, then you should gone to school and got a better job.
:'''Chris Addison''': Could the small boy holding the owls stop running at the wall between Platforms 9 and 10?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would the man on Pump Number 4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on Pump Number 6?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with the tinted windows and the go-fastest drive...sort your life out will ya?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Uh, uh, uh, I can't remember what the code is. Um, would Mr. Fire please report to the kitchen? That's Mr. Out Of Control Fire. Please report to the kitchen before it's too late. I don't want to start a panic.
:'''Diane Morgan''': The train now approaching Platforms 3, 4, and 5 is the derailed credit card train from Swansea.
:'''Chris Addison''': Would the owners of a Black Jaguar please move it as it's attacking the customers.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is your captain speaking. You can now turn on your mobile phones as you'll need to text your loved ones goodbye. We're plummeting into the sea.

=== 23 June 2011 [10.03] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From A Superhero Film ====
:'''Stewart Francis''': Worry not, Procrastination Man is here! Where is everybody? What's with all the blood? (walks back, whistling)
:'''Andy Parsons''': Catwoman, what did I tell you about not shitting in next door's garden?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am Big Society Man. I could do it for you, but I'd rather you do it for yourself.
:'''Chris Addison''': Prepare to meet a new breed of sex change superhero in "The Ex-Men"!
:'''Ava Vidal''': Yes, I do believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100 mil.
:'''Stewart Francis''': I am Parking Review Man! (Hugh Dennis walks behind him) Where's my check?
:'''Chris Addison''': Wow, Iron Man, how did you get all the creases out?
:'''Seann Walsh''': Uh, just call the police.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Well if you don't know that, what the hell are you doing in air traffic control?!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What use is a spider web against me, Duster Man and Hoover Boy?
:'''Chris Addison''': Hello! I'm Batman Biggins! [Said as an impersonation of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Biggins Christopher Biggins]].
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm sexist, I'm racist, and I drive like an arsehole. I am White Van Man!
:'''Stewart Francis''': Should I- Do I- Should I Do-
:'''Dara O Briain''': Yeah, yeah, you're doing it.
:'''Stewart Francis''': This is part of it!
:'''Dara O Briain''': Oh, shit.

==== Unlikely Things For A Continuity Announcer To Say ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now to upset children everywhere, it's Peppa Pig... in pepper sauce.
:'''Chris Addison''': Oh God, oh, Oh God, oh, oh--- and Nigella will be back at the same time next week.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Up next, Ryan Giggs appears on "Footballers' Wives".
:'''Andy Parsons''': Up next on Channel 4, Live from Switzerland, it's "Come Die With Me".
:'''Seann Walsh''': And now for a special episode of "Planet Earth" where six chimpanzees will watch David Attenbourough have sex.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Now is the time I have to be extremely careful, cuase the next program is about Roald Dahl, genius behind Willy Wanker's choc- bollocks.
:'''Ava Vidal''': Next on the History Channel, "WWII In Color". Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Just to clear up some confusion for our regular viewers, ITV2+1 is not the same as ITV3.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': First though, there's a serial killer on the loose... in "Balamory".
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you've been affected by some of the issues in "Eastenders", they must have been acting it better than they usually do.
:'''Seann Walsh''': And now, "Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" for the hard of hearing. (makes random hand movements)
:'''Chris Addison''': You're watching The Dignitas Channel. For God's sake, don't press the red button!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Next up, it's "Bargain Hunt", which is also rhyming slang for the bloke who presents it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Right now, Kate Humble's in the lambing shed. (groans)

=== 30 June 2011 [10.04] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Agony Aunt Letters ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear Deidre, I have recently become obsessed with a woman and began stalking her. Look out of the window.
:'''Andy Parsons''': My partner won't give me oral sex, which is really annoying, because that's the only reason I formed a coalition with him in the first place.
:'''Milton Jones''': My wife says I don't feel anything, which is a problem, cause there was something else... oh, yes, I'm on fire.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': I'm 26, my girlfriend's 36. Is 10 years too big an age gap? Cause her daughter's 16, she's a right little sauce.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I have recently met a woman who makes me feel young again. She's 167.
:'''Alun Cochrane''': (in Nigerian accent) Dear Deidre, I'm from Nigeria and I'm fed up of Nicky Flanagan mocking my accent!
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Dear Auntie, I'm a nervous person and sudden noises really startle me. In fact, even if I hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (buzz)
:'''Andy Parsons''': My mates are getting into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them the mates rate or just normal prices?
:'''Milton Jones''': Dear Deidre, I am a control freak. What should I do? I'll tell you what I should do.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am 96, but I am convinced young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': I've been wearing a cabbage sieve for a long time, but I can't get any cheese!
:'''Andy Parsons''': I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. Could you tell us please how to get out of position 43 of the Kama Sutra?
:'''Alun Cochrane''': I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really, really, really worried about my pension!

==== Unlikely Things To Hear At Wimbledon ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, at two sets down, let's see what he's got in his locker. He's not gonna be there for 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar...
:'''Andy Parsons''': Serena Williams has been seeded... you gotta admire the bravery of that bloke.
:'''Milton Jones''': Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, [[w:Chewbacca|Chew Barker]].
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, they say that the All-England Club is a bit behind the times, and that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for stealing a strawberry.
:'''Milton Jones''': I am a tennis umpire, and gay, and it wasn't easy to come OUT!
:'''Alun Cochrane''': What a fantastic slice, but I do think the All-England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year.
:'''Zoe Lyons''': FUCK OFF, TIM!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, how did the umpire get up there? (in German accent) I think he used the stepladder.
:'''Milton Jones''': Of course this year, the British players play a lot better. If we look at the graph here, we see huge biceps and an angry- sorry, Steffi, wrong graph.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you can see there in that glass of Pims is fruit.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Andy Murray here, and Andy Murray not going to be able to make it here today, but we do have his cab driver on the other line. Can you tell us what's occured? (in East London accent) I couldn't get out the turnin'!
:'''Alun Cochrane''': And the mound has taken a pounding in the last four nights, and I think the All-England Club is fine with it as long as it doesn't affect the tennis.

=== 7 July 2011 [10.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Questions From This Year's Exams ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem: "My friend Billy has a 10 foot willy."
:'''Ed Byrne''': Would you like this exam to be A: multiple choice, or not?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': The Bronte sisters: Shag, marry, push over a cliff?
:'''Milton Jones''': Discuss the following: The Nazis got all their ideas from the History Channel.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Who's the chap in "The A-Team" who wouldn't go in the airplane? Is it A.B. or B.A.?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If a bank loses 60 billion pounds in a 6-month period, using numbers that you've plucked out of thin air, work out what the chief executive's bonus will be.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Napoleon: A small man or a long way away?
:'''Milton Jones''': Quantify N in terms of Q if Q a positive integer that bisects a parabolic curve. How's your lucky pencil case now? (makes mocking faces)
:'''Micky Flanagan''': What's the name of that round thing they throw in the Olympics? Discus.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Poetry: Is it all a bit gay?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Draw a diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant. Use all 30 sheets of paper provided.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Explain the use of juxtaposition in "Macbeth". Alternatively, write down anything you know about "Macbeth" in a blind panic, cause you've got no idea what the word "juxtaposition" is.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Drama, Question 1: What was it that first wanted to made you become a waiter?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What is your PIN number?

==== Unlikely Things To Read On A Motorway Sign ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': To Middlebrough: Take the exit marked "Hell" and then lose the will to live.
:'''Milton Jones''': Accident: You were one. Love, Mom and Dad.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': When lights flash, dogging is about to start.
:'''Ed Byrne''': There may be trouble ahead. Prepare to face music and dance.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': You are now 200 meters beyond the junction that your piece of shit Sat Nav tells you you're approaching now.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': For those of you looking for more safety tips, text now.
:'''Milton Jones''': Beware, giant scissors coming towards you on the dotted lines.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Turn on lights in tunnel. They're on the right, just above the entrance.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Turn off the Sat Nav. Use the force, Luke.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': The North: Where the men are real men, and so are a lot of the women.
:'''Ed Byrne''': If you can taste this sign, that means you've crashed into it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Throw banana peel behind car now. Super Mario and Diddy Kong approaching from rear.
:'''Milton Jones''': There was a young man from Preston who tried to drive to Heston. The sign wouldn't rhyme, and he plowed into the back of a juggernaut.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Pick us up a pint of milk, too. Love, Trent.
<!--
=== 14 July 2011 [10.06] ===
-->

== Season 11 ==
=== 7 September 2011 [11.01] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From Children's Books ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Yes it is sad. I used to be on 'Top Gear'," said Stig of the Dump.
:'''Stewart Francis''': (acting startled) Jack, do you have any more of those beans?
:'''Chris Addison''': A Stringfellow? What's a Stringfellow? A Stringfellow, why didn't you know, it has tanned leather skin, and a massive libido, and bad 80s hair, and a grin like a pedo!
:'''Andy Parsons''': This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, and this little piggy went (coughs) and died horribly of swine flu.
:'''Nathan Caton''': Let's learn the alphabet. A is for "adopted", like you. B is for (sticks his hand out) "Basmati".
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And as Eeyore put the noose around his neck...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, I don't think you should shave, Bilbo," said Frodo. "Those feet need waxing!"
:'''Nathan Caton''': "Yes, yes, grandma, what a big screen TV you got," said Little Red Riding Hoody.
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" said Daddy Bear. "Well," said Mummy Bear, "It's been your brother Ryan, and he's a much better shag than ''you'' are."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "I want to go to Tottenham," said Max. "That's where the wild things are."
:'''Andy Parsons''': "The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe, or as we like to call them, The Sugababes."
:'''Stewart Francis''': Once upon a time in a magical land far away, there was a handsome young prince named Dara.
:'''Chris Addison''': Where's Gaddafi?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Railway Children gesticulated wildly at the driver, "You've left us behind, you wanker!"
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Oh dear," said Postman Pat. "I've just had sex with my cat, Jess. I should've gone to Specsavers."
:'''Micky Flanagan''': So Emily learned; if she had been a nicer little girl, mummy and daddy would have never got divorced.
:'''Chris Addison''': "You know what?" said the very hungry caterpillar. "This gastric band has changed my life."

==== Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say ====
:'''Stewart Francis''': And there's just yet another Grand Slam victory for Andy Murray.
:'''Nathan Caton''': And now we come to the javelin. If you're watching in 3D, you might want to look away now.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And here we are with the women's football. But while you're enjoying the game, please spare a thought for all the men about home who are going without dinner this evening.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, he's stroked back through the covers. Surely, it just would have been easier just to pull back the duvet.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And here at the British Grand Prix, we've already had a couple fatalities. Yes, two of the crowd have already died of boredom.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Lewis Hamilton is 3 seconds ahead, but there's trouble at Turn 17 as [[w:Wacky Races|Dastardly and Muttley have dug a pit.]]
:'''Nathan Caton''': I'm here at the Green Court Bowls, and I've started cutting myself.
:'''Chris Addison''': He's got the right hook in, he's got the left hook in, and he's finally finished putting those curtains.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, welcome back after the break. You haven't missed much, just the entire Indian innings. (applause)
:'''Stewart Francis''': Now let's go back to Henley where Claire Balding is standing with two cocks.
:'''Chris Addison''': There's Rio Ferdinand, what a tackle! But, uh, enough from me, I really should let these lads continue getting changed.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Alex Ferguson has substituted Wayne Rooney. Of course, not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69-year old.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, what a result. The UK's Somalian has beaten the America's Kenyan to show that the Africans aren't going to have it all their own way.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Thanks for all those fantastic statistics there, Motty. Now go and get a fucking life.

=== 14 September 2011 [11.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From A Horror Film ====
:'''Ava Vidal''': He's got a flat-screen TV and brand new trainers? I know that you did last summer.
:'''Andy Parsons''': AAH! AAH! I'm sorry, it's just you look nothing like your photo in match.com.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is anybody there? Can you hear me? Is anybody there? It's the Chris O'Connelly Breakfast Show!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': (moans) That was mayor Boris Johnson with his official statement on the riots.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You seen the traffic? It's a nightmare on Elm Street.
:'''Chris Addison''': And now Louis Bennett's long-awaited remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre": "The Nuntwitch Leafblower Kerfuffle".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What do you want? What do you want? No! I'm not paying too much for my car insurance!
:'''Ava Vidal''': I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. (makes slurping noises) So I gave Mark's dinner party an 8!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Do you like scary movies, Sidney? Oh, oh, sorry. Is Sidney there, please?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you don't keep up payments to your exorcist, there's a chance your home might be repossessed.
:'''Chris Addison''': Ha! Joke's on you Dracula. I've got AIDS.
:'''Miles Jupp''': I ate his liver with some jelly beans and a nice Umbongo.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I've seen the ring! I wish that builder would put his trousers up!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I don't have to listen to you, you're just a puppet. If you don't shut up, I'm gonna put you back in your box... Mr. Clegg.
:'''Miles Jupp''': I'm afraid he's been bitten by... George Michael. He's turned into a Wham-pire.

==== Commercials That Never Made It To Air ====
:'''Miles Jupp''': Have you got a wicked side? Then you're a prick!
:'''Chris Addison''': Take two bottle sinto the shower? Not anymore, I've got a proper dildo.
:'''Andy Parsons''': JB Sports: two thousand looters can't be wrong.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do you suffer from dull, lifeless hair? Don't worry, Andy Parsons will buy it off you.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': With ABS, Sat Nav, and air bags, this may be the most advanced condom you'll ever buy.
:'''Andy Parsons''': How much did you say you earned for those Direct Line car insurance adverts? (buzz) Well, people deserve to hear about this! Honk, honk, honk, honk!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dara O Briain: We work, so he doesn't have to.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Cash for Cash: Send us your cash in an envelope, and we'll send it back, minus commision.
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Every year, thousands of bears are captured, tortured, and forced to dance in front of crowds of cheering people. Call 0845 now for ticket hotlines.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Ash for Cash: Put your cremated relatives in an envelope... (buzz)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Got that bloated feeling? My uncle had that, he was dead in a week.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Smash for Cash: Put in mashed potatoes in an envelope... (buzz)
:'''Ava Vidal''': Don't just book it, Thomas Cook it. Dignitas in Switzerland.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Why have we got barbecues at low, low prices? Because the summer's been shit and no one's bought them!
:'''Miles Jupp''': At The Dogs' Trust, we never put down a healthy dog. But the minute one coughs, it's in the Thames.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do you suffer from unslightly chest hair? Should've gone to Pecshavers.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Lynx: Come on virgins, wash your cocks.
:'''Andy Parsons''': (looks at the panel, then Dara, shrugs, and walks back)

=== 21 September 2011 [11.03] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear In A Police Station ====
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Yeah, so the microwave's broken again. Taser that meat pie for me, will ya?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I know it's unlikely, but has anyone turned in Colonel Gaddhafi yet, have they?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I noticed the burglar escaping making his escape. At this moment, I cursed the police budget cuts and gave chase, shouting "Neenar, neenar, neenar."
:'''Chris Addison''': All units be on the lookout for a purple Renault Clio, registration number Saffron Doily Tutu Vangelis Chrysanthemum Hi-Ya!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, we didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge, but the good news is I got some Lucky Heather.
:'''Andy Parsons''': No, I've not come to report a crime. It's just that I really miss "The Bill" so I thought I'd pop in for an hour.
:'''Micky Flangan''': Ere, Sarge, pass us the Arts section out of "The Guardian", would you, mate?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I know how identity parade works. That's her! That's her! That's the woman I robbed!
:'''Greg Davies''': Listen up, we got a new man starting today. He's half man, half horse: he's Inspector Morse.
:'''Simon Evans''': Uh yes, our new 50 inch plasma screen TV, it is rather nice, isn't it? Well, if you can't beat 'em, eh...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am charging you with the murder of Mrs. Thompson. That'll be 7-pounds-nineteen, please.
:'''Greg Davies''': Listen up, there's a giant fly attacking the station. I've already called the SWAT team.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Thank God you've arrived, officer! Some bloke just jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself 14 times!
:'''Chris Addison''': Yeah, we got the Tocks report back. Turns out they go straight after the Ticks.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': I was about to arrest her, Sarge, but to be honest, she got away. She ran off shouting "I put a curse upon you! I put a curse upon you!"

==== Unlikely Things To Hear In A Science Documentary ====
:'''Chris Addison''': After cloning Ian Wright, we now know that two Ian Wrights don't make an Ian Wrong.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Erectile dysfunction: physical problem or has the wife let herself go a little bit?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, now this is incredible! This is a whole new species of miniature tiger! Oh no, hang on, it's a cat.
:'''Simon Evans''': Ahem. Now pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit!
:'''Chris Addison''': We discovered the source of the quark: It's the sound made by a posh duck.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is a red dwarf. His name is Antony Waroll-Thompson.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to "The Sky At Night", and if we look out- oh hell, Croydon's on fire!
:'''Chris Addison''': Despite getting a very bad press, biological weapons work at much lower temperatures than nonbiological weapons.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Without penicillin, well I'd still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Tonight, we look at the ginger community. (waits for the laughter to die down) Physical anomaly or God's cruel joke?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Ah, the Northern Lights. Oh, no, Manchester's on fire.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But will they find a cure in time? The last hope for mankind lies with scientist here at the Laboratoir Gurnie.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Tonight on "Show Me The Evidence", we look at the traveler community. (wild laughter) Can they really put a curse on you?
:'''Greg Davies''': And as the sperm swims towards the egg, it's hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast.

=== 28 September 2011 [11.04] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Bad Things To Say In A Job Interview ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': When I said I was a Yale student, I studied key cutting at Mr. Minits.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Why do I- we- I- we- I- we- want this job? Don't tell him- I have to.
:'''Chris Addison''': No, no, no, no, no. I ''applaud'' your policy of positive discrimination, and that's ''why'' I blacked up.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Um, can I just check? This office is more than 50 meters from the school?
:'''Ed Byrne''': What do you mean no experience? If being abducted by aliens isn't an experience, I don't know what is.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, yes, I would make the perfect train driver. I'm always late and I (crying) break down real easily!
:'''Milton Jones''': I think I'd make a good diplomat. I'd like to live in Paris before the other parasites.
:'''Andy Parsons''': What do I see myself doing in five years time? Exactly the same, only on Dave! (the rest of the panel applauds)
:'''Chris Addison''': Thank you for seeing me. I hope you don't mind if I stay sitting down, I've got a little erection bubbling away.
:'''Ed Byrne''': (pretending his hand is Emu) No, Emu! No, Emu! No! No! No!
:'''Holly Walsh''': What can I bing to this job? How bout the photocopier from the last office?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, well I'm... in spite of my medical experience, I still think of gynecology as a calling.
:'''Andy Parsons''': What are my weaknesses? Fat birds.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A Consumer Programme ====
:'''Chris Addison''': This week on "Watchdog", another shower of gullible twats ask us to make sense of their piss-poor decision making.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to "Watchdog". Here's a dog. (walks back)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But when he asked the cold callers for their identification, they shot Mr. Bin Laden with an AK-47.
:'''Milton Jones''': I would like to complain about the boomerang I bought. I threw it, but it never came back! (pretends he just got hit with it)
:'''Ed Byrne''': This week, we investigate bikini waxing strips. Are they just a rip-off?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Tonight, we'll be investigating fencing and why I got tickets for that instead of the 100 meters final, which is what I wanted.
:'''Chris Addison''': Many of you who have bought Death Stars have e-mailed us complaining about a problem involving one of the exhaust vents.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Although Austin the Butcher claims that his sausages are made of premium meat, we can reveal that's bollocks.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The cruise had a 1940s feel, and Tom and Vera were delighted until they were sunk by a U-Boat in the water...
:'''Ed Byrne''': Yeah, I didn't ask for it, didn't order it, and didn't even want it, and it doesn't even work. We have some more views on the Coalition after the break.
:'''Chris Addison''': What was sold as a vibrator is clearly just a taser with a stale sausage attached to it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But something was wrong with the car. The clock said 63,000 miles while the milometer said quarter past three.
:'''Milton Jones''': I would like to complain about the sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. There are not as big portions going round on the conveyor belt, but they do taste luggage-y.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear "Watchdog", I'm extremely pissed off with this product. I bought Just For Men, my wife used it, and now I am gay.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Identity theft is on the increase. I'm Dara O Briain. (buzz) We work, so he doesn't have to. (buzz)

=== 5 October 2011 [11.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Instructions ====
:'''Ed Byrne''': Please do not use this electrical appliance while you're in the bath. Actually, you know what? Go on. If you're that dumb, I think we can afford to lose you.
:'''Chris Addison''': Nick Clegg Feng Shui: Move everything to the right for an easier life.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Pot Noodle: For best results, put back on the shelf.
:'''Adam Hills''': If pain persists, see a doctor. Just make sure it's not Michael Jackson's doctor.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To light gas, first place match near buttocks.
:'''Andy Parsons''': One of these condoms has got a hole in it. Are you feeling lucky, punk?
:'''Adam Hills''': Dale Farm Yoghurt: Contents may settle.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Please retain these assembly instructions in case you wanna disassemble the furniture when you realize moving in with us wasn't the best move after all.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Instructions for sandwich toaster. Week 1: Eat nothing but toasted sandwiches. Week 2: Put in cupboard and never use again.
:'''Chris Addison''': If unsure how to apply condom, take banana and beat erection with it 'til it goes away.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Enjoy your animal-shaped biscuits. Do not eat if seal is broken.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To reboot, pick up boots and put them on again.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Congratulations on your new breadmaker. Ooh, I bet King's Mill are quaking in their boots.
:'''Chris Addison''': Game is over either when one player collects all cheeses or Daddy has a tantrum and kicks the board across the room.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Are your hands full but you wanna transfer 10 donuts?

==== Unlikely Things To Hear In A Restaurant ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Let's skip the pudding. You look like you've had enough already.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Wow, thanks for picking up the bill, Dara.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, I'm sorry, we don't have snail porridge. No, this isn't owned by Heston Blumenfall. This is Heston services.
:'''Ed Byrne''': How does crispy, aromatic duck sound? Quack quack, but that was before it was either crispy or aromatic.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do I have a reservation? Well, I'm not sure about all these Polish people moving out of here.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in a high voice) Table for two, please, but no food. I'm a wood worm.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is a traditional Greek restaurant, so don't worry if you won't pay. The German government will cover it.
:'''Adam Hills''': You'd like a Foster's? Hang on, I'll see if we got any left. Barry, any Foster's left? Yeah, keg's nearly full, Jim.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Here's the tip. If you find the of the chef's penis, please let us know.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Have you been to a Harvester? I'm just kidding, no one comes twice.
:'''Stewart Francis''': It's nice to see the rugby players get along with the dwarves.
:'''Chris Addison''': That's an unusual taste, isn't it? What- what is in this death by choco- (falls onto the floor)
:'''Stewart Francis''': It's nice to see Zora and Mike get along.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, it is all you can eat night, and that's why you can't come in, Mr. Pickles.
:'''Chris Addison''': Oh my god! There's a man's face in my soup and it looks just like me.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Excellent choice, sir. This lady is much fitter than your wife.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hmm? Rose for the lady? You wanna do something for the lady, why don't you fuck off?

=== 12 October 2011 [11.06] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Read In The Bible ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And lo, they finally saw the sign that God had promised: "You are now leaving Swindon."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But when they got there, the tomb was empty. "Rikes!" said Scooby.
:'''Chris Addison''': Soddom and Gorromorah. Twinned with Tyne and Wear.
:'''Milton Jones''' And the children of Isreal wandered around the desert for 40 years, until Moses' wife eventually said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or..."
:'''Andi Osho''': And Eve did realise that she was naked and she was ashamed. But then Gok Wan said "Look, work it baby, you look amazing!"
:'''Miles Jupp''': And Noah said, "If it keeps on raining like this, we're gonna have to eat the unicorns."
:'''Andy Parsons''': Moses saw the burning bush and said to his wife, "I think you've overdone that bikini wax again."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And David smote Goliath. He meant to smack him, but he was using predictive text.
:'''Milton Jones''': Eve! Eve! Use fig leaves, not nettles.
:'''Chris Addison''': And the lord said, "Shit, I've made a wasp!" (pretends to try to swat a wasp)
:'''Andy Parsons''': And Jesus saw a traveller in distress and said unto him, "Well, why don't you leave Dalefarm and find somewhere else to live?"
:'''Milton Jones''': And the lord said to Gideon, "Take [[w:Gideon Bible|this book]] and place it in every Travelodge."
:'''Andi Osho''': Listen, this is really awkward. I know the queue, but I'm not a really big fan of fish.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': There were only five loaves and two fishes. Never go to Lidl on a Saturday night.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A Makeover Show ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Welcome to "What Not To Wear". A welly on your cock.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This week's "Look Good Naked" starring Edwina Currie is the last in the series and was recorded shortly before Gok Wan's suicide.
:'''Milton Jones''': Well, we've started off by ripping up all the decking. Abandon ship!
:'''Miles Jupp''': We are goign to give you back all of your confidence and your dignity as soon as we Hoover the fat out of your ass.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Gisele has got jowls, false teeth, and in fact, a mustache. But unfortunately, we're here to do her front room, not her face.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': David and Jane wanted more space, so we've repossessed their house and are now living in the park.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, we've pebble dashed, replastered and put new plumbing in downstairs, and now Anne Robinson is good as new!
:'''Andi Osho''': Welcome to "60 Minute Make-" Ooh, babe, that's gonna take a lot longer.
:'''Milton Jones''': You want to look better looking and increase your self-esteem? Move to Leeds.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And today on "Property Ladder", we're gonna show you how to break into a property using a ladder.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You're obviously very senstitive about your weight and shouldn't be. You mind if I call you "lard-ass"?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Well, Ian wanted a Rennassience look, so I've jsut set fire to a Catholic and taken a shit out the window.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Talking of decking, he wants to punch Nick Knowles in the face.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Today on "10 Years Younger", we're going to take 9-year old Amy and and try to squeeze her back up her mother's womb.

=== Sport Relief Special, 17 March 2012 ===
==== Unlikely Things To Hear In A TV Charity Show ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up is a short and rather harrowing film about hunger in the Third World, so this is probably a good opportunity to nip out and make yourself a sandwich.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We've been digging a well because it's essential that these people have somewhere to throw coins and make a wish.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Of course, chronic diarrhoea is one of the worst diseases that these children, children like Jenny--- Oh for God's sakes, those shoes!
:'''Stewart Francis''': I'm- I'm here--- (gags) I'm here with David Walliams--- (gags) just swam the River Ganges--- (gags) don't touch me, don't touch me.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Please give generously. Otherwise, I'm gonna poke Pudsey his the other eye.
:'''Chris Addison''': We desperately need your money to help starving people. And now, in a slightly insensitive segue, let's take a look at footage of people getting into baths of baked beans.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Of course, Britain is full of underprivilged children with no hope and nowhere to go, and the government doesn't have enough money to send them all to war.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We sent Chris Moyles to Africa. Unfortunately, he escaped and came back again.
:'''Adam Hills''': Susan from Grentford rang up to donate twenty pounds, Mike from Manchester rang up to donate thirty pounds, and Barry from Glasgow rang up to order two Hawaiian pizzas with a Pepsi.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, they ate everything we sent them last year. I know. All of it. So someone's gonna have to start buying them food all over again!
:'''Stewart Francis''': That was The Saturdays. Up next, Dara O Briain doing an impression of a doorbell. That should be good. (buzz)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Just fifteen pounds a week will pay for the drugs that'll help me stop thinking about poor people.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Big round of applause for all of the people who have been working all night here. None of us are getting paid--- None of us are getting paid?! Forget it. I'm sorry. I'm out.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is a soup kitchen and the conditions are appalling. There's no gazpacho, no vichysouisse, and on one's even heard of crab bisque, even mimose bouche.
:'''Chris Addison''': Big thanks to Alex Ferguson for his massive support for Red Nose Day. He hasn't taken his off for 69 years now!
:'''Stewart Francis''': The money we're trying to raise here is to help people whose lives have been destroyed by Justin Lee Collins.
:'''Andy Parsons''': When I was lying there in the bath of custard, and I wasn't sure if I was able to go on, but then I remembered, I got a lovely apple crumb in the oven.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The tragedy is that this blindness is caused by ignorance. With your help, we can stop these people masturbating.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Everything we raise today will go to Charity, a lap dancer who's 19 and I'm particuarly fond of.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Tonight, we're raising money for Dara O Briain. We work, so he doesn't have to.

== Series 12 ==

=== 14th June 2012 [12.01] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Trains, Toilets, & Celebrities" ====

:'''Nathan Caton''': Is it "If you're going to make a sex tape on public transport, what three things do you need?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What three flavors come through when you're tasting English wine?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "According to the coalition agreement, what three things do the Lib-Dems have responsibility for?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "Name three things I've left my umbrella in"?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it three things you're probably best off not to lick clean?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What is the name of Thomas The Tank Engine's no holds barred autobiography?"
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it what Peter Andre says when he's asked what his daily routine is?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What do we do better than Morocco?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "Name three things I've puked on at the Edinburgh Festival"?
:'''Chris Addison''': What are the three main talking points on a Saga holiday?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it three things that are full of shit?
*:''[Answer: The three most complained about things at the Queen's Jubilee]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear In An Awards Ceremony ====
:'''Chris Addison''': And the winner is Dara O'Briain! (Dara flips Chris off and presses the buzzer)
:'''Nathan Caton''': And the award for Driver Of The Year goes to David Cameron for his pefectly executed U-turn!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Welcome to the National Insincerity Awards. And can I say what a pleasure it is to be here.
:'''Chris Addison''': And Soap Of The Year goes to... (imitates open to "Eastenders") "Coronation Street"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would you please welcome your host for the night... Dec.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And the award for Best Actress this evening goes to John Travolta's wife.
:'''Chris Addison''': Father Of The Year is... David Cameron!
:'''Greg Davies''': And predictably for the 50th year running, the Rear Of The Year has been won by the same man. Come on up, Chris. (silence) It's a Chris Rear joke.
:'''Nathan Caton''': And the award for Best Film... Cling. Cling film. 
*:'''Greg Davies''': Oh. That was alright then, wasn't it? It's all bullshit, Dara.
*:'''Dara O'Briain''': It's all politics, man.
:'''Chris Addison''': This is the point in the Psychic Awards where we like to remember those we lost next year.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, they said it was ill-advised, but welcome to the first Witness Protection Scheme Awards.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the award for Most Cleveage On View goes to Eamonn Holmes' ass!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well now, our final category: Category C. There are three sex offenders nominated tonight...
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And I'd just like to say to the wife at home, you better not beat around when I get home, 'cause I'm big time now, sister.
:'''Greg Davies''': And the Best Post-Humously Released Rap Record goes to Kim Jong for "I Told You I Was Ill". (wild applause) Too late! Too late!
:'''Andy Parsons''': And to Present Best Film In A Foreign Language, would you please welome Nick Griffin.
:'''Greg Davies''': And the winner of Rear Of The Year goes to Chris Rear! (wild applause)

==== Unlikely Lines From A Thriller ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What more evidence do you need there is a mole? Look at the lawn!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Your wife's head in a box. You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on "Deal Or No Deal".
:'''Chris Addison''': What color wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink, or the fuschia?
:'''Greg Davies''': I want to make you a vodka martini. You can't handle vermouth!
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" she purred. "Yes, it ''is'' a gun in my pocket and I've just shot my cock off."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm telling you there will be no attack. This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
:'''Nathan Caton''': So, Mr. Bond, we meet--- Ah! Flipping cat!
:'''Micky Flanagan''': I'm telling you captain, I work best alone! But sometimes in a team! Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, Mr. Bond, we meet at last. Why didn't we ever Skype?
:'''Greg Davies''': I would like to lift your horse's foot. You can't handle the hoof!
:'''Chris Addison''': They had human liver with fava beans with a nice Chianti. But the entertainment was excellent, and he was a lovely host, so I'm gonna give Hannibal 7 out of 10.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Here's Johnny! Do you mind? I'm trying to have a shit in here.
:'''Andy Parsons''': "This prostitute isn't dead," said the Norwegian detective. "She's just pining for the fjords."
:'''Greg Davies''': And as his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness, he realized he was not alone in that room. Who is it? It's me, Peter Andre!

=== 21st June 2012 [12.02] ===

==== Headliners ====
:'''Chris Addison''': But he does-  the Tories have been going on Ed for ages 'bout the the fact that he looks like Wallace, but they've got absolutely no room to talk about this stuff.  Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle, Michael Gove looks like Pob, Eric Pickles looks like a Sontaran from DOCTOR WHO, Theresa May looks like Roy Hodgson in drag, Jeremy Hunt looks like Sebco (sp?) with a wasting disease, and if you get Ian Duncan Smith and William Hague together, they look like Yoda's bollocks!

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Chickens, Nurses, & Rain" ====
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Is it "What Does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "Name three things"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are the most used sound effects in the radio drama ''Monsoon Poultry Hospital''?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': What are the three main things featured in the film ''Golden Dawn''?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What three things have a higher IQ than the entire cast of ''The Only Way Is Essex''?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it all the things that my gran says are stealing her money when I go and visit her in the home?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What additional three things did Churchill think we should fight them on?"
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Is it what Greece is planning to use as currency when the leave the Euro?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Name three things you won't find in a chicken nugget.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are the opening directions in the television drama ''Monsoon Poultry Hospital''?"
:'''Chris Addison''': What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial early career porn film?
*:''[Answer: Things being featured in the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics in London.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely Things to Hear At EURO 2012 ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And there we see in the stands, John Terry's wife.  And with his arm around her, Rio Ferdinand.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, this French team has three strikers.  Luckily, the other eight have agreed to play.
:'''Milton Jones''': Tonight's game is in the incredible city of Kiev.  The outskirts are sort of crispy-crumbly.
:'''Chris Addison''': And Holland are two-down.  Yes!  I've finished the crossword.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the Greeks have reached the quarter-final!  If only they'd had a massive bet on that...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, that's a bad one!  You can see the bone sticking right out!  These Ukrainian meat pies really are awful...
:'''Jo Caulfield''': And now, over to Mark Lawrenson, who has something really interesting to say.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, I've never seen '''that''' on a pitch before. It seems the referee really '''is''' a wanker.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, mate.  This is row six.  You're row two-thousand and twelve.
:'''Milton Jones''': (in Russian accent) Here in Ukraine, we have launched campaign.  Kick football out of racism.
:'''Carl Donnelly''': And that is some '''incredible''' dribbin' there from the Irish supporters. (crowd groans) Sorry.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': And things are about to turn ugly as we go back to the studio to Adrian Chiles.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And it's Germany against Greece!  The ultimate dilemma for the British royal family!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': That is, quite simply, some wonderful defending there from John Terry's legal team.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the Russians and Ukrainians are going to settle this with a shootout.  No penalties, just a shootout.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Germany are camped in the Polish half!  Not for the first time...
:'''Chris Addison''': And Rooney's trying to get around the keeper, but his keeper's not letting him out of his cage...

==== Things That You Wouldn't Hear On A Political Discussion Show ====
:'''Milton Jones''': Sorry, did I interrupt you?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, nononono, sir.  No, no, you've had your say.  Now shut the fuck up.
:'''Andy Parsons''': 'Round the Table tonight... Eric Pickles.  And 'round another table, four other politicians.
:'''Milton Jones''': Sadomasochism is a perversion.  But we will clamp down on it!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Tonight, we'll be discussing Greece.  First question, who'd win in a fight: Danny Zuko or Kenickie?
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Nick Clegg, which of your two faces would you like to answer '''that''' question with?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I agree, Britain's performance in the second quarter has not been all we hoped for, but there is a reason for that: This is a tough job, and I'm shit at it.
:'''Milton Jones''': We will '''NOT''' let Abu Hamza off the hook!
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, Mister Dimbleby, '''my''' question is; if '''I''' were a beleaguered European economy, how would '''you''' stimulate my growth?  And that goes to contestant number three.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Of ''course'' I '''understand''' that people are worried about schools and hospitals, but what '''you''' don't understand is I don't give a shit.
:'''Chris Addison''': Anyone else horny?
:'''Carl Donnelly''': And now we're gonna head over and see what the polls are telling us... HULLO!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Right, now, let's go over to Wales and see what they're saying to us. (mooing noise)
:'''Andy Parsons''': And so we have a question here for the Prime Minister from Nancy Cameron, aged eight. And it's: "When are you going to pick me up, daddy?"

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0463827|Mock the Week}}
[[Category:Current shows]]