----{{dated prod|concern = No sourced quotes|month = July|day = 20|year = 2012|time = 20:25|timestamp = 20120720202555}}
<!-- Do not use the "dated prod" template directly; the above line is generated by "subst:prod|reason" -->
== Abe Lincoln vs. Chuck Norris ==
:'''Abe''': Four score and sixty-five years in the past, I won the Civil War with my beard! Now I'm here to whoop your ass! I read up on your facts; you cure cancer with your tears? Well, tell me, Chuck, how come you never sat down and cried on your career? You're a washed up has-been on TV selling Total Gyms, and you're gonna lose this battle like you lost Return of the Dragon. I'll rip your chest hairs out, put 'em in my mouth! I'll squash you like I squashed the South! I never told a lie, and I won't start now. You're a horse with a limp; I'll put you down!
:'''Chuck''': This isn't Gettysburg, punk. I suggest retreating, for I invented rap music when my heart started beating. Chuck Norris doesn't battle; he just allows you to lose. My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth.
:'''Abe''': I've got my face on the side of a mountain! You voted for John McCain! I've got a bucket full of my head, and I'm about to make it rain! You block bullets with your beard? I catch 'em with my skull! I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger, but I've never even seen that show!
:'''Chuck''': I am Chuck fucking Norris! I've spread more blood and gore than forty score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch! I split the Union with a roundhouse kick! I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick! I attack sharks when I smell them bleed! I don't go swimming; water just wants to be around me! My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster! You may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone's master!
== Justin Bieber vs. Ludwig von Beethoven ==
:'''Bieber''': Look what the cat dragged back from the dead! Man, it looks like Chewbacca wiped his ass on your head! I'm the next Michael Jackson! You look like Betty White! Here's some aspirin, you're catching Bieber Fever tonight because my voice is incredible and your music is terrible! Who even listens to classical, anyway? Even Elise wants to do me, and now that you're right next to me, I can understand why they used a dog to play you in the movies!
:'''Beethoven''': Sit down, son, and let me give you a music lesson. Ask Bach, I've got more cock than Smith & Wesson. Never say Never? You'll never be forgettin'! I've crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages! Your music gets you bitches on your Facebook pages! I'm committing verbal murder in the major third degree! My name is Beethoven, motherfucker, maybe you've heard of me! Not the St. Bernard version, I'm the real O.G. You wanna trade blows? You can't even hit puberty!
:'''Bieber''': I've got Kim Kardashian in my bed backstage! When's the last time your music got anybody laid? I got a concert in five, so there's not much time left. What else can I say? Your own music made you deaf!
:'''Beethoven''': I would smack you, but in Germany, we don't hit little girls! And I'm glad I'm deaf so I can't hear that piece of shit My World! There's a crowd of millions waiting to hear my symphonies! You wanna be a little white Usher? Here, show 'em to their seats!
== Albert Einstein vs. Steven Hawking ==
:'''Einstein''': When I apply my battle theory, minds are relatively blown, so take a seat, Steve. Oop! I see you brought your own. What's with your voice? I can't frickin' tell! You sound like WALL-E having sex with a Speak-N-Spell! I'll school you anywhere, from MIT to Oxford! All your fans will be like "Hum, that was Hawk-ward." I'm as dope as two rappers, you better be scared, 'cause that means Alber E. equals emcee squared!
:'''Hawking''': You've got no idea what you're messing with here, boy. I've got twelve-inch rims on my chair, that's how I roll, y'all. You look like someone glued a moustache on a troll doll! I'll be stretching out the rhyme like gravity stretches time, when you try to put your little P-Brane against this kind of mind! I'm the best! I'm the Snoop Dogg of science! I'll be dropping mad apples on your head from the shoulders of giants!
:'''Einstein''': I'm the giants whose shoulders you'd have stood on, if you could stand! I'll teach you a brief history of pain with the back of my hand! You can't destroy matter or me, for serious! Ripping holes in you bigger than your Black Hole Theory was!
:'''Hawking''': There are ten million million million million million million million million million particles in the universe than we can observe. Your momma took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd! If you want to bring the heat with the mushroom clouds you're making, I'm about to bake raps from scratch like Carl Sagan! And while it's true that my work is based on you, I'm a supercomputer, you're like a TI-82! Oo!
== Dr. Seuss vs. William Shakespeare ==
:'''Shakespeare''': Come bite my thumb! I hope you know the stakes! I'll put a slug between your shoulder blades! Then ask what light through yonder poser breaks? I hath been iambic on that ass, ye bastard. And to top it off, you're not a doctor. I've never seen a softer author! You crook, you! I bet you wrote the Twilight books, too!
This site is not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by the Wikimedia Foundation or any of its affiliates. In fact, we fucking despise them.
|
