Revision 1630585 of "Mock the Week" on enwikiquote

{{vfd-new|Mock the Week (second nomination)}}
'''''[[w:Mock_the_Week|Mock the Week]]''''' (2005–current) is a [[w:Britain|British empire]] [[w:Satire|satirical]] comedy panel show created by Angst Productions and aired by the [[w:BBC|BBC]]. It is hosted by [[w:Sandara Park|Dara Ó Briain]] and is currently in its twelfth season.

== Season 1 ==
=== 5 June 2005 [1.01] ===
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': [''On the topic of education''] The government's new education policy, apparently, is to make children stay at school till they're 18. That's just not living in the modern world, is it? 17-year-olds having to go to school; who's going to pick up their kids from primary?

==== Inside The Mind of: George W. Bush ====
:''Contestants are presented with a picture of [[w:George W. Bush|George W. Bush]] and asked to discuss what the voices in his head are saying [impersonate].''
:'''[[w:Rory Bremner|Rory Bremner]]''': Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.
:'''[[w:John Oliver|John Oliver]]''': George, even we, as an abstract version of your inner soul, would like to completely disown you.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If you step on the cracks in the pavement, we have to invade [[w:Syria|Syria]].
:'''Rory Bremner''': [[w:Tony Blair|Tony's]] coming to [[w:Washington D.C.|Washington]]. Look busy.
<!--
=== 12 June 2005 [1.02] ===
=== 19 June 2005 [1.03] ===
-->
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things a Wimbledon Commentator Would Never Say ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': 40-37.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, there is Sharapova and I'm sure, like me, you long to have those long, moist, Russian legs wrapped around your face.
:'''David Mitchell''': Is it just me, or are they just hitting it back and forth?
:'''Rory Bremner''': How wonderful to see an all British final.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, there's a ball boy needs taming.
:'''Rory Bremner''': Advantage, Widdicombe.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And as they come to the first, it's Barriseto followed by Red Rum...
:'''Frankie Boyle''': All this grunting is giving me the horn.
:'''David Mitchell''': In the women's game, why does the pretty one always lose to the moose?
:'''Andy Parsons''': GOAL!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Now ''that'' one must be a man.

==== TV Shows That Never Made It To Air ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hi, I'm Bill Oddie, and this is ''Badger Cull Live''!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''Complicated Financial Fraud, She Wrote''.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''Terrorists Say The Funniest Things''.
:'''David Mitchell''': Yes, it's ''Who Wants To Be A Milliner''!
:'''Rory Bremner''': ''Police, Camera, Paperwork''.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Let's see if you can guess who it is in Lloyd Grossman's ''Through The Arsehole''!
:'''Linda Smith''': ''Celebrity Love Island''. Oh no, Christ, that really happened!
:'''David Mitchell''': Welcome to the first edition of ''I'm A Suicide Bomber, Get Me In There''!
:'''Andy Parsons''': ''You've Been Shot''.

==== Unlikely Lines For The Queen To Include In Her Annual Message ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Some of my best friends are black.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Have you been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault?
:'''Rory Bremner''': Send a rebate or the corgi gets it.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Aston schniztel mein Fuhrer!
:'''Linda Smith''': Look, we don't cost you 99p each, we don't cost you 79p each, I tell you what a fool I am myself, we cost you 61p each and for that I'll throw in Princess Michael, you can't say fairer than that!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Queen is brought to you by Powergen.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, there were these two nuns in the bath...
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Charles, you'll have to prise my crown out of my cold, dead hands.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': [[w:Killer Queen|I'm a killer queeeeeeeen...]]

<!--
=== 3 July 2005 [1.05] ===
=== 10 July 2005 [1.06] ===
-->

== Season 2 ==
<!--
=== 20 January 2006 [2.01] ===
-->
=== 27 January 2006 [2.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Words You'd Never Hear From A Newsreader ====

:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Welcome to Channel 5 News, thickos!
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Oy, you wanna buy some speakers?
:'''[[w:Al Murray|Al Murray]]''': Too revolting to describe. But let's have a go, anyway. Basically...
:'''[[w:Gina Yashere|Gina Yashere]]''': The two youths convicted this morning... got what they f***ing deserved!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Okay, they may have acquitted him, but he certainly looked like a pedophile.
:'''[[w:John Oliver|John Oliver]]''': You've been watching Sky News. To be honest, I'd double-check everything you've just heard.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Sir Gary Glitter received his honour at the palace this morning.
:'''[[w:Rory Bremner|Rory Bremner]]''': Welcome to ITV News... on ice! ('''[[w:Al Murray|Al Murray]]''': He said "''un''likely".)
:'''Gina Yashere''': The next report may contain images that could give you the horn.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In this next report, [[w:Gerry Adams|Gerry Adams]] is voiced by an actor...[[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]]! ''[impersonating Jackson]'' I'll tell you about the peace process, motherfu*#ers!
<!--
=== 3 February 2006 [2.03] ===
=== 10 February 2006 [2.04] ===
=== 17 February 2006 [2.05] ===
=== 24 February 2006 [2.06] ===
=== 2 March 2006 [2.07] ===
-->

== Season 3 ==
=== 14 September 2006 [3.01] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Exam Questions That Were Rejected ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Lot of people say the exams are too easy. Is the answer A: Yes or B: David Beckham?
:'''Russell Howard''': With illustrations, describe the prophet Mohammed.
:'''Gina Yashere''': A Virgin train is traveling 120 miles per hour between London and Manchester. What time will it be cancelled?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': All P. E. teachers are pedophiles. Discuss.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If the world is heating up at two degrees per decade, what is the point of anything?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Spell "Mississippi" without looking at how we've spelt it in the question.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Two cars are speeding. One is being driven by a black man. Which one will be stopped?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do you think kids spend two much time with their Playstation? Answer "Cross", "Triangle", "Circle" or "Square".
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Tick the box A, B, or C to receive the grade A, B, or C.
:'''Clive Anderson''': Sex education practical: Report to me in the stationary cupboard.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If I add 1/8 to 1/16, how stoned will I be?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Can you master this phrase: "Do you want fries with that?"

==== Famous Last Words ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': [[w:Steve Irwin|Stingrays love foreplay.]]
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (as the Queen) Charles? Charles, what are you doing with that pillow?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'll bet ya I can jump that ticket barrier.
:'''Andy Parsons''': No! Don't shoot me! It's Yoko you want!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': (looking up) The funny thing is the closer it gets, the more it looks like a piano.
:'''Gina Yashere''': Oi! Zidane! Your mum's a slag!
:'''Andy Parsons''': He's only got Vaseline, lipstick, and jam. What trouble can he cause?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yeah, Jackie, let's go in the open-topped car.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Of course it's not a poisonous snake. What would a poisonous snake be doing on a plane?

=== 21 September 2006 [3.02] ===

:'''[[w:Jo Brand|Jo Brand]]''': ''[When given the topic of 'Living with Terror']'' That's how my husband describes our marriage.

==== Between the Lines: Sir Menzies Campbell ====
:''[Frankie Boyle is the voice of Sir Menzies Campbell while Hugh Dennis says what he really means.]''
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': ''[As Campbell]'' "I have many fond memories of Brighton; I came here as a boy..."
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': "... On a [[w:Longboat|longboat]], in a [[w:Viking|Viking]] invasion."
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[As Campbell]'' "Unlike the [[w:Conservative Party|Tories]], we have a clear idea of where we're going." 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Nowhere." 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[As Campbell]'' "I'm a man who's not afraid of a challenge. I was once an [[w:Olympic Games|Olympic]] athlete..."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "... In the [[w:Ancient Olympic Games|original games]] in 463 BC!"

==== If This is the Answer, What is the Question? ''[Answer: 9 women]'' ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "What would [[w:John Leslie (television presenter)|John Leslie]] hate to see in a jury box?"
:'''[[w:Ed Byrne|Ed Byrne]]''': "What takes up 18 parking spaces?"
:'''Jo Brand''': "What can do the work of 21,000 men?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "If someone asks me how many sexual partners I've had, instead of the real answer, 60 men and countless prostitutes, what do I tend to reply?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I really hope that doesn't go out, because my dad watches this and he's never been that sure.
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': Would he be disappointed by the number of prostitutes?
:'''[[w:Dara Ó Briain|Dara Ó Briain]]''': No, he's never been sure about the show.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': No, he loves this, largely because you're Irish, and he really hates the English.
:'''Ed Byrne''': ''[Also Irish]'' It'll be twice as much fun for him this week!
:'''Dara Ó Briain''': Bags O' Irish!

=== 28 September 2006 [3.03] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Ill-Advised Things to Say In Court ====
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': "So to summarize, there's no evidence, but he does look a bit rapey."
:'''[[w:Mark Watson|Mark Watson]]''': "Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "I would like to present my own defense... through the medium of dance!"
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': "Oy, Wiggy, I've done your daughter!"
:'''Frankie Boyle ''': "And I put it to you, m'lud, that that child is sexy."
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': ''(in a Spanish accent)'' "Will this take long? I'm meeting a boat from Colombia at 9."
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "There is a precedent for this. I refer, your honor, to episode 10 of ''LA Law''."
<!--
=== 5 October 2006 [3.04] ===
=== 12 October 2006 [3.05] ===
=== 19 October 2006 [3.06] ===
=== 26 October 2006 [3.07] ===
-->

== Season 4 ==
=== 11 January 2007 [4.01] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Driving Test ====

:'''Frankie Boyle''': When I slap the dashboard with my forehead, I'd like you to crawl out of the wreckage and fetch help.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Okay, when I give you the signal, I want you to wind the window down and call the cyclist a wanker.
:'''Russell Howard''': When I say go, foot down, straight through the jeweler's, get what you can.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You made one mistake, sir, a pine air freshener doesn't cover up the smell of a dead hitchhiker.
:'''David Mitchell''': Well, if she doesn't get up, you've definitely failed.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Upon my signal, I'd like you to mount the pavement and kill my ex-wife.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, at least we know the airbags work.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If I fail, can I still keep driving my taxi?
:'''Mark Watson''': Me, in a car. Can't believe it.

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: What The Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message ====

:'''Hugh Dennis''': (As The Queen) Yum yum, I've just eaten a swan.
:'''Russell Howard''': And now, an impression. They call me Mr. Boombastic...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (Still as The Queen) Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's been good to spend time with my family... and Harry.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (Still as The Queen) This year, I am in an unusual location. I'm in a cave with Osama Bin Laden.
:'''Russell Howard''': Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually an elf.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (As Prince Charles): Yes. It's not her, it's me. And she's perfectly safe. As long as you do as I say.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.

=== 18 January 2007 [4.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines To Find In The Bible ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': [[w:Monty Python's Life of Brian|He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!]] 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And God said "Let there be light." Sponsored by Powergen.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A man who lies with another man should be stoned. It helps, that's all I'm saying.
:'''Ian Stone''': A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
:'''Mark Watson''': And God said, "Right. That's the 14 commandments. Now will you remember all those?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Table for 12, Jesus? I can do two 6s at 8:30.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And on the 8th day, God made a magical talking leopard, and forgot all about us.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': All the characters in this novel are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real people, living or dead, is purely coincidence

=== 8 February 2007 [4.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely things to Hear On Comic Relief ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And we'd just like to thank the donation of 160,000 turkeys from a Mr. B. Matthews.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Remember, tonight isn't all about comedy. Here's Ben Elton.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Of course, we are also supporting projects in the UK. For example, this is my extension.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': My name is Aday. I'm seven years old and I have to walk five miles everyday to get fresh water, so I really don't have time to play football with fat celebrities. Fuck off and give me the money.
:'''Russell Howard''':(as Bernard Manning) Here's one for ya. Three Ethiopians walk into a bar... (buzz)
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If we remove all these villagers' cataracts, one day, they might be able to make our shoes.
:'''Rhod Gilbert''': (facing away from the mike) Yeah, I don't believe it either. Some of these kids are fatter than I am.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And remember, 20% of everything you give goes directly to a grinning warlord wearing a necklace of human finger bones.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This village had one goat until I ate it.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Later, Dawn French will be climbing into a bath of baked beans. Not for charity. It's her supper.
:'''Russell Howard''': (jumping up and down) We're from the Masai tribe. When are we gonna get that money for that advert we did?

==== The Worst Thing Your New Neighbor Could Say ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What day do the bins go out around here? My wife's body is starting to stink.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in a hillbilly accent) Well, looks like we got ourselves a fresh one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I hope my turkeys won't be keeping you awake.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': My wife and I are nudists and have been for the past 70 years.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You're bigger than you looked through the telescope.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Welcome to the street, or as we call it, "the cul-de-sac of Christ".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (as Jimmy Saville) Do you like the music of Showaddywaddy?
:'''Russell Howard''': I can see you when you sleep.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, that's right. The wife breeds rottweilers, the kids are in a brass band, and I'm a pedophile.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's simple: your dog and I are in love. (Rides Russell back to the stage)

<!--
=== 25 January 2007 [4.03] ===
=== 1 February 2007 [4.04] ===
==== Headliners: R.I.P.S (Reid in Prisons Scandal) ====
:'''Ed Byrne''': I was thinking "Reid Impersonates Pope Successfully"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "Reid Imagining Prescott's Sex-life"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Oh, I thought it was "Reid Imagines Prison Shower"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Reid: I'm Pissing Sand!"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "Reid Itches Penis Superbly"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Rather than "Superbly," perhaps "Surreptitiously"
:'''Russell Howard''': If you like, yeah, we can add that in.
:'''Gina Yashere''': Or is it, from left to right, "Right Idiot, Plonker, Shagger"

:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Reid Invites Painful Shagging"
:'''Russell Howard''': That doesn't invite a painful shagging.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Surely he's trying to resist it.
:'''Russell Howard''': If that invites a painful shagging, there must be some horror stories from Mexican Waves.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': The only one smiling was the guy at the top.

:'''Andy Parsons''': Looking at Prescott, is it "Reid Interrupts Prescott's Sleep"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Reid Is Pathetic Shambles"
:'''Andy Parsons''': I've got one!
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Woah, can we just take a moment to appreciate the humour of Hugh's one before moving on?
:'''Ed Byrne''': "Reprimand Idiot, Parsons Speaking"
:'''Russell Howard''': Nice one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "Right In Pig Shit"
:'''Dara O'Briain''': I'm going to have to push you for a correct answer.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "Reid Invents Prison Statistics"
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Would he invent statistics as bad as they were?

=== 15 February 2007 [4.06] ===
-->

== Season 5 ==
=== 12 July 2007 [5.01] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon ====
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': New balls... developing on both the Williams sisters.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Well, this crowd have taken this young Serbian girl to their hearts. They obviously don't know her father's a war criminal.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A dog has run onto the court... and has beaten Tim Hennman!
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': Now here's a question, [[w:John McEnroe|John.]] Nadal: could he turn you?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There's no strawberries left. You'll have to have chips.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, you know, this rain could be seen as God's judgment on how shit we are at tennis.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': As the Scottish man holds the Wimbledon trophy aloft, the Earth opens and swallows him whole.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well now, that's a double fault. One for being a woman and one for being German.
:'''[[w:Michael Macintyre|Michael Macintyre]]''': It's just come to our attention that Tim Hennman's father's died six Wimbledons ago and has been sitting there the same look of disappointment on his face ever since.

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: What a newsreader would never say ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The football scores now, so you might want to look away if you're a woman or a gay.
:'''[[w:Jan Ravens|Jan Ravens]]''': Good evening, here is the news, I'm Moira Stuart. Why did the BBC sack me? Is it because I is black?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Press the red button now to operate the vibrating donut I've placed in my trousers... please.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': You've sent in your emails and we've been reading them, and my, my, you are a bunch of racist bigots.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If you've taped that earthquake to enjoy later and don't want to know how many died, look away now.
:'''Michael Macintyre''': Wimbledon news now, and Tim Hennman... you know the rest.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': News just in: I'm HIV positive?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, time for your own regional news now. I'm off for a dump, see you in ten.

=== 19 July 2007 [5.02] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: The Worst Thing To Hear Over A Tannoy System ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Only you can hear me.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The train to Nottingham will arrive in five minutes which is a pity, because this is Tesco.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Second floor... but you can't get out.
:'''[[w:Mark Watson|Mark Watson]]''': Welcome to our school sports day. Mark will probably get stuck in a sack. Ha, bloody ha!
:'''Russell Howard''': (in a high voice) Could someone come to the salami slicer, please?
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': (in a nasal voice) If anybody has found a Vicks inhaler...
:'''Mark Watson''': Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the tube, but will it be today?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The lift doors are closing... leaving you trapped in an airless, windowless coffin... hurtling downwards at a hundred miles an hour...
:'''[[w:Jo Caulfield|Jo Caulfield]]''': Would the parents of the child that fell into the tiger enclosure please come to lost property to collect her shoes?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The plane's about to land in Glasgow. Passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Bucket and mop to isle three, bucket and mop to isle three, someone's cum on the broccoli.

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From The Final Harry Potter Book ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, Hermione, I can get rid of it. Chlamydia disappearo.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': "Okay, Hermione," said Harry unbuttoning his zip. "I'll show you a really magic wand!"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Harry had always thought that he'd meet his death at the hands of Voldemort. So imagine the surprise when the doctors told him that he was HIV positive.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "No, there is no post today," said Ron. "The owls are on a one day strike."
:'''Russell Howard''': Midway through the orgy, Ron winked at Harry. "This is way better than Quidditch," his eyes seemed to say.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It was a magic mirror that showed the future, and in it, Harry seemed to be a 30-year-old actor appearing in something called "The Bill".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Get the snitch!" said Harry. "I'll tie him down and you can drill through his kneecaps."
:'''Frankie Boyle''': As the old man stood in front of him in his robes, clutching his wand, Harry regretted transferring to Catholic school.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "I'm sorry, Harry. I'm having a baby, and it's yours," said Professor McGonagall.
:'''Mark Watson''': Then Hermione says something, Harry says something, aw, who cares? I'm minted!

=== 26 July 2007 [5.03] ===
==== Headliners: The Effects Of Adverse Weather (R. F. H. B.)====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "'''R'''eading '''F'''aces '''H'''osepipe '''B'''an"?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "'''R'''iver's '''F'''looded! '''H'''elp, '''B'''atman!"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''R'''evenge '''F'''or '''H'''omosexuality and '''B'''inging"?
:'''Lauren Laverne''': Is it "'''R'''abbits '''F'''ound '''H'''olding '''B'''reath"?
:'''Rhod Gilbert''': Is it "'''R'''umor '''F'''looding '''H'''as '''B'''egun"?
*:'''Dara O Briain''': I think it's past rumor at this stage.

*:''[Answer: Record Floods Hit Britain.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "15 Per Second" ====
:'''Lauren Laverne''': Is it "How many pounds sterling is Simon Cowell paid to cut the cultural throat of our nation and drink its still warm blood?" (huge laughter and applause)
*:'''Dara O Briain''': That's not what I have on the card!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "At what rate has the BBC issued apologies over the last fortnight?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many sofas are currently passing under the Severn Bridge?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How many times does David Beckham wonder why everyone stops speaking Spanish?"
*:''[Answer: How quick copies of the final Harry Potter book was being sold.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines To Hear In An Episode Of Dr. Who ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Between series, I paint the TARDIS red and sell coffee.
:'''Lauren Laverne''': Yes, Doctor, I am your archnemesis. You may also recognise me as Guiseppe Di Marco from ''Eastenders'' and as any one of my walk-on parts on ''Casualty'' as wounded man.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Looks like we've materialized in the 19th century. Oh no, it's Glasgow, 2007.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is not a waste of time. You are a time lord. Have you ever given money to the Labour Party?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm here to save the Earth. But as a doctor, I won't be working evenings or weekends.
:'''Russell Howard''': K-9, stop humping the toaster!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': WELCOME TO MY DALEK POETRY READING! THIS ONE IS CALLED DAFFODILS! '''EXTERMINATE DAFFODILS!'''

==== Bad Ways For Gordon Brown To Address The Nation ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': [[w:Braveheart|You can take our lives but you'll never take our freedom!]]
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This isn't my sporran, it's Hazel Blears asking for a promotion.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The economy is in ruins. I blame the previous chancellor.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You thought Tony Blair was a cunt? Watch this!
:'''Lauren Laverne''': People of Britain, when I address you like this, did you know sometimes I get so excited a little bit of wee comes out?
:'''Andy Parsons''': You may like Tony more, but you'll hate my wife less.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In these trobuled times between our nations, I feel I need to reach out to president Putin and say, "I have shagged your mother."
:'''Russell Howard''': It's time you learned the truth, Earthlings.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Citizens of New Atlantis, I bring greetings from our brothers the crabmen.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, don't make me do it, mother!
:'''Russell Howard''': (Rapping) I'm G to the B and this is how I roll, you got beef with me you kiss my A-double S-hole!

=== 2 August 2007 [5.04] ===
==== Unlikely Things To Hear: On A Science Programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The trade in human organs is shocking. This kidney cost me nearly a tenner.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Which is faster, a dog or a crossbow bolt?
:'''Jo Caulfield''': And that's how God created the world in seven days.
:'''Russell Howard''': I ESCAPED FROM A PETRI DISH! WHAT AM I?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, my name's [[w:Jade Goody|Jade Goody]].
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And that's how we can prove that aluminium is gay
:'''Hugh Dennis''': A cure for acute depression may be just around the corner. Oh, here it is: a train.
:'''[[w:Adam Hills|Adam Hills]]''': Well, that test was conclusive. Cats have one life.

==== Questions Omitted From The British Citizenship Test ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Can you fly a plane? Can you ''land'' a plane?
:'''Russell Howard''': Pat Butcher: Shag or die?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Do you ever look at the ingredients on ''Ready Steady Cook'' and think "I could make a bomb out of that"?
:'''Russell Howard''': Boris Johnson: True or false?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in his Jimmy Saville impression) Do you like the music of Showaddywaddy?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': On this map of Britain, can you point to where Gloucester used to be?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

=== 9 August 2007 [5.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: The worst thing to hear on holiday ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Many of you on this safari will be wondering why I'm sprinkling you with barbecue sauce.
:'''[[w:David Mitchell (comedian)|David Mitchell]]''': Welcome to Butlins! 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[African accent]'' Let me feel your arm. Let me see your teeth. Take him! 
:'''Andy Parsons''': ''[Drunken]'' Hello, thish ish your captain shpeaking... we're up! 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[Mexican accent]'' You want a double or a single room? Double? Ramon, build a double! 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In the event of the cabin de-compressing, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and dangle in front of your blue, dead faces. 
:'''David Mitchell''': From your bedroom window, you have a lovely view of the town's aging nuclear facility.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There's a bar in the swimming pool; after yesterday's riot.
:'''David Mitchell''': You must be the only person in the hotel who isn't going to the ''Star Trek'' convention!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Both of you, welcome to Scotland!

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely lines to hear in a TV show ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': So get dialing because, remember, those phone lines close at midnight. Yesterday.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now, the Antiques Roadshow. This program contains scenes of tedious dullness right from the start. 
:'''David Mitchell''': And if you have an opinion about this news story, why not keep it to yourself? 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello and welcome to Mock the Week after dark, I'm Dara O'Briain, and ''this''... is my penis.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now over to Sian for a blind stab at the weather...
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': ''[Has hand shaped like a gun]'' ''NO DEAL, EDMONDS! YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THE MONEY, OR I'M GONNA START SHOOTING!''

=== 16 August 2007 [5.06] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Weird Things to See on a Road Sign ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Fancy a shag? Park and ride 200 yards.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Stop! Hammer time!
:'''Ben Norris''': You are leaving Croydon. Well done.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Help me, I'm trapped in a sign making factory!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': When the red lights are flashing, get down with the groove!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Accident on opposite carriageway. Quick, look!
:'''Russell Howard''': Amarillo: this way. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You are now leaving Trowell Services. Wish you hadn't eaten that for 26 miles.
:'''Ben Norris''': If you can read this, you've crashed into my front garden.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You are entering Scotland. No salad for 200 miles.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': No left turn. No right turn. No entry. No reversing. Get out of the car and put your hands on your head. '''DO IT!'''
:'''Andy Parsons''': River ahead, which your sat nav thinks is a road.
:'''Russell Howard''': You're lonely, aren't you Russell?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Sharp left turn ahead. Careful ladies!
:'''Andy Parsons''': GIANT EXCLAMATION MARK...AHEAD!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Bracknell, ''twinned with Hell!''
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Warning: Little Chef: one mile.

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely Things To Hear In the House of Lords ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Would anyone like to swap a packet of Space Raiders for some DairyLea Dunkables?
:'''Russell Howard''': Please welcome our newest member: Lord Voldemort.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I used to be a lord, but after the operation, I'm a lady.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (weird voice) And that gentlemen is the motion...and now I will clear it up! (looks to floor)
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I want to re-criminalise homosexuality. So that I can feel dirty when I do it.
:'''Ed Byrne''': I've changed my name to E. Lordy. I want you all to call me Lord E. Lordy.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I am the lord.. of the dance!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, I'm Lord Ocean Finance.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': As a life peer, I would like to tender my resignation. (shoots himself in the mouth)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is Davina, you are live in the house. Please don't swear.

=== 23 August 2007 [5.07] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Bad things to hear on an aeroplane ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In the event of the cabin decompressing, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If you look out of the port-side window or a moment or so, you'll see me. Bye!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That's the first cloud I've seen with a ski lift on it!
:'''David Mitchell''': The only thing less likely than surviving crashing into the sea is the coast guard hearing the whistle on your life jacket.
:'''[[w:Fiona Allen|Fiona Allen]]''': [''American accent''] Hi! I've got a hobby farm, would you like me to tell you about it for the next nine hours.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Louisa and her in-flight team will be looking after you today and your hijacker's name is Ibrahim.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hold on! I've just entered us into the Red Bull challenge!
:'''David Mitchell''': Will the fat people please move to the back of the plane?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This is a non-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm sorry, due to unforseen Islamic fundamentalism, this plane is being diverted to Paradise.
:'''Russell Howard''': Punch it, Chewie! Reeeargh (Voice of Chewbacca).

==== The Worst Person to be Married to ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': BAAA!
:'''Russell Howard''': I love you lots, let's see what Mr Tiddles thinks of you! What do you think? ''[Louder voice]'' DIE BITCH!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Brace yourself Agnes; it's that time of year again!
:'''Fiona Allen''': These are my late rabbit's ashes. Say hello!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': When I said I was a positive person, I meant HIV!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I've brought a video home to turn us on. It's Fred Dibnah's Age of Steam!
:'''David Mitchell''': You thought I was a Thai lady? Well you were half right!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Of course we're gonna go out tonight, it's Hitler's birthday!
:'''Russell Howard''': But he's my dad, we do ''everything'' together!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You want me to put my ding-a-ling in your fairy cave?! ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN?!
:'''David Mitchell''': You can't use ''that'' toilet. That's ''my'' toilet!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': He sleeps in the bed with us, ok? Don't make me choose between you and the wolf!

<!--
=== 30 August 2007 [5.08] ===
=== 6 September 2007 [5.09] ===
-->

=== 13 September 2007 [5.10] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like to See: What a news reporter would never say ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Next on News 24, I'm gonna punch a zebra. Who cares? No one's watching. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Here, children as young as eight are forced to make their own living. ''MORE POLISH, MORE POLISH, I WANT TO SEE MY FACE!''
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Here on the streets it seems that Britain is completely in the grip of gang culture. This is John Simpson ''[imitates gangster]'' for the ITN massive!
:'''[[w:Gina Yashere|Gina Yashere]]''': Can you hear the bombs falling? No? That's because they're in Baghdad, I'm here in Peckham.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Reports of a mystery man loitering in the area turned out to be me.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[Bewildered]'' News just in: "Go to a break, your wife's been hit by a truck."
:'''[[w:Ed Byrne|Ed Byrne]]''': And it was just a few feet from here when the shots were fired. I know, I fired them. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, finally, the power in Beirut seems to be back on. The radiator I'm chained to is getting quite warm. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Even amidst the devastation of this earthquake, there are still stories of hope. I found a man's wallet!
:'''Andy Parsons''': I- am- actually- in- my- bedroom- but- I'm- trying- to- make- it- look- like- I'm- in- Baghdad- on- a- satellite- phone.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And I can't help but think that if my country was gripped by famine, I'd just move.

==== Unlikely letters to be read out on Points of View ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Why, oh why, oh why... is the structure of my chromosomes. 
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear BBC, I watched a light entertainment program on your network the other night that wasn't hosted by Graham Norton. Is he ill? 
:'''Russell Howard''': ''[Amazed tone]'' Dear BBC, [[w:BBC One 'Circle' idents|how did you manage to get those hippos to swim in a circle?]] 
:'''Gina Yashere''': Dear BBC, I am a Nigerian general with 30 million pounds to put in your bank account...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[creepy voice]'' Last night I turned to your new porn channel, C-Boobies. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[weird voice]'' Dear Points Of View, I would like to complain about the weird voice you are reading out my letter in!
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Points of View, has anyone else noticed that Pat Butcher looks a lot like the honey monster from the Sugar Puffs advert? 
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear BBC, when are you going to show "Nuts on the Road"? NIM! NIM! NIM!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Dear Points of View, I watched "Silent Witness" with the sound off and it didn't make any sense!
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear BBC, well it's now thirty years down the line and I'm no closer to owning a robotic housemaid. ''Tomorrow's World''? ''Tomorrow's Horseshit'', more like! 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The other night I watched Nigella Lawson, and picked up a couple of good tips on baking bread. And in the process, I just about ripped my cock off.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Dear Points of View, watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" made me think that if I made gay friends they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me.

=== 20 September 2007 [5.11] ===
==== Headliners: Sir Menzies Campbell (P. M. O. C.) ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it the Lib-Dem leadership options? You got '''P'''issed '''M'''an '''O'''r '''C'''orpse.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''P'''lease, '''M'''emory '''O'''ld, '''C'''an't..."?
:'''Ben Norris''': Is it "'''P'''lease '''M'''ake '''O'''rville '''C'''ooperate"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "'''P'''eter '''M'''andelson's '''O'''ldest '''C'''onquest"?
*:''[Answer: Pressure Mounts On Campbell.]''

:''[Discussing [[w:Liberal Democrats|Liberal Democrats]] leader Sir Menzies Campbell]''
:'''Frankie Boyle''': He's got a 4 per cent approval rating, [[w:Menzies Campbell|Ming Campbell]], which is ''nothing'', right? So they could just have ''anybody'' lead them, it's not gonna make any difference, so I say – come on, let's get [[w:Lee Ryan|Lee]] from [[w:Blue (group)|Blue]]. ''[Audience and panelists laugh and applaud]'' He's not gonna be any worse...
:'''Dara O Briain''': He's looking for a gig...
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Yeah, and also his policies aren't going to come into force so he can say whatever he wants! ''[Impersonating Lee Ryan]''"Uh, I think that the homosexuals should declare war on the robots..." Doesn't matter, Lee from Blue, bit of a laugh!
:'''[[w:Michael McIntyre|Michael McIntyre]]''': And also his name is very odd. His name is "Mingis"''[correct pronunciation of "Menzies"]'', but it's pronounced – it's spelt "M-E-N-Z-I-E-S".
:'''Dara O Briain''': Yes...
:'''Michael McIntyre''': Well why are you looking at me like I'm insane? It's "Men-zeez"! Men-zeez! [[w:John Menzies|John Men-zeez]]! People don't go "Let's go to 'John Mingis'!" They don't do it! [[w:Martina Hingis|Martina Hingis]]! Martina Heng-giez! ''[To Dara O Briain]'' Why are you still looking at me like I'm not making sense! It's a "g", not a "z"''[sic]''! It's a "z", not a "g"!
:'''Dara O Briain''': Because I'm waiting for you to turn on me and ''my'' [[w:Irish name|crazy ethnic name]]!
:'''Michael McIntyre''': When they were bringing him up – it's Men-"z". It's not "g". When they were growing...there's something fundamentally wrong with this man – he can't speak, he doesn't understand his own name. When he was growing up, ''[speaks in a tone as if speaking to a child]'' "Hello Ming, shall we go to the  [[w:Zoo|goo]] and see the [[w:Zebra|gebra]]? We catch [[w:Zulu Dawn|Gulu Dawn]] and maybe get a "Ginger Burger"''[Zinger burger]''? It's a nonsense.
:'''Andy Parsons''': In fact, you should pronounce it "John Mingis"! Apparently it's to do with the defunct Scottish letter [[w:Yogh|zog]], eh! You couldn't make that sort of crap up, could you?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Shows you how boring the Liberal Democrats are. It's more interesting to talk about the defunct letter zog.
:'''Dara O Briain''':''[quizzical]'' How does a letter become defunct?
:'''Frankie Boyle''':''[himself Scottish]'' Ah, we didn't need it! We had enough of zog!

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely Things for a Royal Correspondent to say ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Isn't it wonderful to see Prince Charles being made king at the age of 137.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the Queen there majestically taking her place in the queue, to withdraw her savings from Northern Rock. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Queen asked me if I was from the BBC.  I said I was and she told me to piss off.
:'''Andy Parsons''' There we see Prince Phillip going over to talk to a man from China... this should be interesting.
:'''Michael MacIntyre''': In fact it's the Chinese premier, and he's just asked him for a menu. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Prince Harry hasn't been put off by the congestion charge, he says he still manages to come into Chelsea ([[Chelsy Davy]])twice a day.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well the crowd are absolutely loving this event, the night sky is dancing with light. Yes, the Queen set fire to Windsor Castle ''again''!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's great to see the whole family waving from the balcony through the sights of my AK-47.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And as Prince Phillip cuts the tape to open this mental institution... the doctors have got him!

==== What a Rugby Commentator Would Never Say ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, and he's skipped through the defense, and that's lucky because if these South Sea Islanders catch you, they eat you.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's time for the scrum where the players can have a quick kiss and exchange phone numbers.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And it's the coin toss... and Johnny Wilkinson has sprained his thumb.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And there's a massive tackle! I wish mine was like that.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Not everyone has been able to get tickets to this Rugby World Cup final, and we know a lot of you are watching at home, so hello to you, the England team.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, and it's bad news for New Zealand: Rugby doesn't matter.
:'''Ben Norris''': Keep an eye on this ball as it hits the ground, cause it's such an unusual shape, it can go anywhere!
:'''Andy Parsons''': (chanting) CILLIT BANG CILLIT BANG KIA ORA KIA ORA!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': All pretence has been abandoned as both teams take to the field naked covered in lubricant to the sound of pounding techno!
:'''Russell Howard''': Thick muscular necks, broken noses and powerful thighs. The rugby wives are minging.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This young man has a brilliant career ahead of him, followed by a bleak career as an after-dinner speaker before his suicide at 40.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, he is many ways the perfect flyhalf: Legs of a man, torso of a blue bottle.
:'''Russell Howard''': The South Africans there passing to their one black player, Johnny Token.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, it's England versus Samoa: A team of rank amateurs against Samoa.

=== 28 September 2007 [5.12] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Serious, Risky and Heroic" ====
:'''David Mitchell''': What is telling farmers "you know, it could be worse"?
:'''Russell Howard''': What are Snap, Crackle and Pop's DJ names?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': How have people described my recent sex-tour of Nigeria, Dara?
:'''David Mitchell''': It was very well reviewed in the Spectator.
:'''Andy Parsons''': How would you describe standing between Judy Finnigan and a free bar?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What are the three speed settings on the world's most powerful vibrator?
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Does anyone know what the correct answer is?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it to do with the Russian submarine that's attempted to claim the North Pole?
:'''Dara O'Briain''': That's exactly what it is, well done Frankie.

:'''Dara O'Briain''': This is the news that Russia has symbolically staked a claim to billions of dollars' worth of oil and natural gas under the arctic ocean. Two mini-submarines carried out a record-breaking dive to plant a flag two and a half miles below the North Pole, which they believe is directly connected to their continental shelf which, of course, it is, which is connected to every other part of the planet.

:'''Dara O'Briain''': Why didn't you get that swimmer, who swam there a couple of weeks ago, to plant a flag?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': He was too busy raising money for cancer, the selfish bastard.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': I can't believe you're taking the Moral High Ground.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's been a while. God, it looks strange up here.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Why don't you just roll back down the Moral Hill.

:''[Discussing [[NASA]] Mars Mission]''

:'''Frankie Boyle''': NASA get a hard time for not achieving anything, but they have shown us that a red-hot human skull falling from space can break the roof of a farm house in Texas.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Do you miss the Moral High Ground?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's cold and dark down here, Dara. I can just see the edges of your faces.

:''[Discussing a woman who was stuck in a deck chair at high tide]''

:'''Frankie Boyle''': Aren't we, here, essentially mocking a partially-disabled old lady? Ah, back on the Moral High Ground!
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Back up the mountain! He's unbearable when he does this!

== Season 6 ==
<!--
=== 10 July 2008 [6.01] ===
-->
=== 17 July 2008 [6.02] ===
:'''[[w:Stephen K. Amos|Stephen K. Amos]]''': Can I just say that I'm very excited to be here by the way, and if things don't go too well, I will be playing the [[w:Racism|race]] card.
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': That's always worked for me!
<hr width=50% />

:''[Suggested question for the answer '100 pounds per day']''
:'''Stephen K. Amos''': Is it [[w:David Blunkett|David Blunkett]]'s swear box as he hangs pictures?
:''[Mimes Blunkett hammering nails into the wall, missing and hitting his own thumb.]''
:'''[[w:Dara Ó Briain|Dara Ó Briain]]''': I get that he'd miss the nail because he's blind, but why's he hanging pictures? He's ''blind!''

<hr width=50%/>
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': When I was a kid, I grew up in a [[w:Vicarage|vicarage]] and in ten years, we were burgled thirteen times, and on the last occasion all they stole was my pants. 
:'''Ed Byrne''': Were you wearing a pair at the time? Because technically that's a different crime. 

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frankie Boyle''': ''[On [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher's]] £3million state funeral]'' For £3million, they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we would dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally! 

====Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You're Unlikely To Hear On A Quiz Show====

:'''Hugh Dennis''': Here is your starter for ten; spring rolls, sesame toast and chilli balls with prawn.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello, and welcome to Ask the Family! Mr. Fritzl, where's the rest of them?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, we're Ant and Dec and welcome to Double Our Money...er, Double ''Your'' Money!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm Anne Robinson, and if my botox wears off, my face will turn into a scrotum!
:'''Stephen K. Amos''': Look at what you could've won if you went to school.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Name? Ted Smith. Occupation? Carpenter. And your chosen specialised subject? the life and works of the carpenter Ted Smith.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'd like a Vowel...Vowel...a Vowel...Vowel...Vowel...zzz, Is the answer...UUUUUUUUU!
:'''Russell Howard''': For a million pounds, please complete this well known phrase: "The-"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm Richard Whitely! ''[hums the Countdown theme then flatlines]''
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Welcome to inflation-adjusted "Who wants to be a Zimbabwe Millionaire"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': [[w:Deal or No Deal|It's the banker]]... he says he's got your kids.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And your question is on celebrities. Which jocular Irish host of the popular show "Mock the Week" is known as 'Dobby' for his uncanny resemblance to the house elf in Harry Potter? ''[Dara glowers at him]''

====Things That Would Change The Atmosphere At A Dinner Party====

:'''Andy Parsons''': Ignore the banging, [[w:Elizabeth Fritzl|she's been in there for twenty four years]]!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Help yourself to nibbles; he was our favourite hamster but it's what he would've wanted.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Are you sure this is pork? It's just my crackling has a tattoo.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, we don't say grace...we just sacrifice a child to the great god Imhotep!
:'''Russell Howard''': Doorbell! Excellent, that'll be Heather Mills and James Blunt, hope he's brought his guitar!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I hope no one is allergic to nuts, because I like to rest mine on the table.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well this is absolutely lovely. I say we all raise a glass...TO ZE FURHRER!
:'''Russell Howard''': Ten of you arrived. Only one will leave.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Anyway, long story short; after about two hours you couldn't tell what was poo and what was chocolate.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There is a vegetarian option: You can ''fuck off''.

=== 24 July 2008 [6.03] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': To the Bat-Caravan!
:'''Russell Howard''': ''[imitating [[w:Russell Brand|Russell Brand]]]'' I'm a superhero! ''[normal voice]'' No Russell, you've drawn an 'S' on your forehead and sprinkled glitter on your penis.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': No, they call me Catwoman because I can lick my own arse!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hey Lois, just before we take off, I wanna check none of your liquids are over 100ml!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You're trapped, Spiderman, trapped in this enormous bath!
:'''Greg Davies''': No, R. Kelly, you can't join the Fantastic Four! It's not enough to believe you can fly!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Biff! Bam! Pow! Nutted! Bottled! Slashed!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, it's heading straight for the World Trade Center!
:'''Danielle Ward''': What do you mean the Swastika's already taken, i've had my cape made and everything!
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Tell me, why do they call you Flash? (Russell Laughs)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I may not seem as dangerous as other Supervillains, but soon I, Dr. Sheep, will rule the world! BAAA!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What's that, Joker? You'll be back? [[w:Heath Ledger|Somehow, I don't think you will be!]]
====Scenes we'd like to see: Unlikely Letters for an Agony Aunt to Receive====
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Deirdre, I'm leaving you
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I want to trace my father, Could you suggest a good marker pen! (Comedians Laugh)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I have recently discovered the joys of Butter in sex, I smear it on the doorknob to stop the kids coming in!
:'''Russell Howard''': [Deep Voice] My voice is breaking and there is hair on my chest. Is this normal? Yours, Sally Jenkins, Age 9!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Dear Bitch, I have trouble making friends, What are you going to do about it!
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Deirdre...[Points at Greg Davies] Can that giant man lift me up like a baby? [Greg Runs over and lifts him] :'''Greg Davies''': You bet you ass he can!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I have been saving up for a sex change, i don't care what my wife says, SHE IS GOING TO HAVE IT!
:'''Greg Davies''': Dear Aunty, My Testicles are the size of Space Hoppers, I don't need any advice, just wanted to tell someone! [Strikes a pose]
:'''Hugh Dennis''': My Husband and I are 82, and he has recently lost interest in sex......Thank God!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': My wife says i'm a compulsive liar, i think she's jealous that my reggae duet with [[w:Rio Ferdinand|Rio Ferdinand]] Has reached Number 1!
:'''Russell Howard''': I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': My problem is that i can only ejaculate when i hear a buzzer...[Dara presses Buzzer, Frankie Smiles]

=== 31 July 2008 [6.04] ===
:'''Russell Howard''': The Daily Mail...racist in public so you don't have to be.

=== 7 August 2008 [6.05] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Bad things to say at a job interview ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What can I bring to the job? A burning hatred of the West, a hook for a hand, and a pilot's license.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The, uh, five year employment gap, yeah... I was canoeing?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Right, I hope we can all be professional about the fact that I've just split up with all three of you.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm only here because I'm hoping to slip on a wet floor and then fall off a ladder.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This job would be a great opportunity for me... to steal a shitload of stationery.
:'''Russell Howard''': Hey! I remember you from the dungeon. How you doing? It's me, Gimpy Terry!
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm Gimpy Terry's mate.
:'''Ed Byrne''': When can I start? Yesterday! But I can only work until today.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': 9 TIL 5? 9 TIL 5? MY MEDICATION WEARS OFF AT 3!

==== Scenes we'd like to see: Things you wouldn't hear on Songs Of Praise ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': HELLO CANTERBURY, LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the locals here on the Shetland isles are giving us a tremendous welcome. Today, we have our act of worship, and tomorrow, they're burning me in a wicker man.
:'''[[w:Zoe Lyons|Zoe Lyons]]''': Hello, I'm sister Margaret, and I'm an alcoholic.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The parishioners will now go forward to receive communion if they can get past Altas and Predator.
:'''Russell Howard''': Christians in one corner, Muslims in the other, let's get ready to rumble!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the goat is strapped to the altar, so let's begin!
:'''Ed Byrne''': That was beautiful. Such a shame there's no one actually up there to have heard it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you're enjoying this, why not turn over to BBC Three where you can enjoy "Songs Of Praise Uncut"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The next reading is from St. Paul's first letter to "Jim'll Fix It".

=== 14 August 2008 [6.06] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Lines you wouldn't hear in a war film ====

:'''Frankie Boyle''': We've managed to crack the German code. Turns out they were sending messages in German.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''[German accent and confused]'' Why are we speaking English?
:'''[[w:David Mitchell (comedian)|David Mitchell]]''': So chaps, this is the strategy for the get out of the prisoner of war camp, we sit it out until the end of the war.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I can't feel my legs! That's because your arms have been blown off!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm saving private Ryan... money on his car insurance! 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is anyone else embarrassed that we've all turned up in the same outfit?
:'''Russell Howard''': There's only one way to settle this war, through the medium of dance.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You've each been selected for this mission, because you're unknown to the enemy, and you each have a special skill: Professor Hawking, John Lesley, Phil Neville, The Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs monster, and Daniel Day Lewis! WELCOME, TO OPERATION MINDFUCK!

=== 21 August 2008 [6.07] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "9" ====
:'''Lucy Porter''': Is it "How many people have heard of 'yingying' before we won a medal in it?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How might a German text the word 'no'?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What is the average number of fingers in Norfolk?
:'''David Mitchell''': Is it "How many toes has Sir Ranolph Finnes left in the Antarctic?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How many dwarves were originally in ''Snow White'' before political correctness forced the removal of Poofy and Rapey?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "At what age did my imaginary friend set fire to the kitchen?"
:'''Lucy Porter''': Is it "How many weeks is Peaches Geldof's marriage going to last?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': How many bullets would I need to correctly judge an episode of ''Britain's Got Talent''?
:'''Andy Parsons''': How many medals has Ireland ever won in the course of its history?
*:''[Answer: The number of medals Great Britain won on Saturday at the Olympics.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Questions That Were Rejected From This Year's Exams ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': If the answer is 9, what is the question?
:'''Lucy Porter''': When you finish this exam, please turn your paper over and mark it.
:'''Russell Howard''': Using Darwin's theory of evolution, explain Boris Johnson.
:'''David Mitchell''': Vladimir has 10,000 tanks and you have three. Why would you start a war? Discuss.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': By the year 2015, the population of the Earth will have increased by 20%. How do we find Kerry Katona and stop her?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Complete the following sequence: 16, 35, 24, 8, 9. Now open the safe, grab the stuff and get in the getaway car.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': An object is traveling at 750 miles an hour, encounters resistance, and slows to 0. For how many months will Richard Hammond have to wear nappies?
:'''Russell Howard''': On the diagram below, show on the body where you like to be touched.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Describe Uranus without telling your parents.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Amy is 16. At least she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
:'''David Mitchell''': Complete this crop rotation: wheat, fallow, rock festival, BNP rally.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If everybody in Class A is called Tom, Thomas, or Tommy and every second boy in Class B is called Tim, Timothy or Timmy, what the fuck is going on?

==== Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A costume Drama ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Henry Tudor... why did he chew her?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The Zulus have surrounded us, sir. They're standing on the horizon waving their spears... Wait a minute, those aren't spears.
:'''Russell Howard''': Mr. Darcy, I do believe you've poked me on Facebook.
:'''Lucy Porter''': So, King Henry, I'm your fifth wife. Hang on... divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, be--- oh, shit!
:'''David Mitchell''': And for the latest news from the big house, tune in to ''Pride And Prejudice Extra'' starting now on BBC Three.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next, ''Pride And Extreme Prejudice'', where Elizabeth is most surprised to hear Mr. Darcy's views on queers and Jews.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do you think wearing this bustle makes my arse look big?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Let me read the signal from the ''Victory''. "Are you paying too much for your car insurance?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I worked for the Duke of Wellington when he invented the wellington boot and the Earl of Sandwich when he invented the sandwich. But I suppose my happiest time was working for Lord Strap-On.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': My liege, your desire to marry again will split the church! Does it have to be a gay Nigerian?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Ah, the Duke. My daughter has been itching to meet you. CHLAMYDIA!

=== 28 August 2008 [6.08] ===
:'''Russell Howard''': He's the Mayor of London simply because he was popular on a panel show. Frankie, you're gonna be PM!
:[audience applause]
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Don't applaud, you have some very tough years ahead of you.
<hr width=50% />
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In twenty years time, when a largely submerged London is being attacked by a platoon of al-Qaeda Jihad Scuba warriors, will it really help that we're slightly better at basketball?
:'''Dara Ó Briain''': Luckily, you'll be in the highest office in the land at that stage.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Citizens of New Atlantis, we must self-destruct! But Prime Minister Boyle, you say that in every crisis! This time I mean it!

=== 4 September 2008 [6.09] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "1" ====
:'''Lauren Laverne''': Is it "How many chancellors does it take to put the shits up an economy?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "What grade of haircut can Andy Parsons only dream of?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "What's God's PIN number?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "Let's be honest, when does life start to go downhill?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What might a one-legged man repeat to himself over and over again while marching?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many times did Charles and Di have sex?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "In what year did Jesus have a holiday booked that he never got to go on?"
:'''Michael MacIntyre''': Is it "What does the average viewer of ''Jeremy Kyle'' think the alphabet begins with?"
*:'''Hugh Dennis''': It's not any of these, is it?
*:'''Dara O Briain''': It's not any of those, no! You know how this works, it isn't any of these.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "In what year did John McCain first run for president?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': What is the most popular boys' name in Spain?
*''[Answer: The number of times John McCain met Sarah Palin before choosing her as running mate.]''
==== Headliners: Alistair Darling (D. I. R. B.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''D'''arling '''I'''s '''R'''eally '''B'''adger"?
:'''Lauren Laverne''': Is it "'''D'''arling '''I'''ndicates '''R'''emaining '''B'''uddy"? "That guy there--- oh, oh no, he's just gone."
:'''Russell Howard''': It's "'''D'''arling '''I'''nitiates '''R'''ap '''B'''attle". He's actually just said, "Yo mama's so fat, she got her own postcode!"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I know the answer to this actually. Alistair Darling has written an incredibly dull sequel to the Narnia books, which are called "'''D'''oorway '''I'''nto '''R'''eading '''B'''usiness Park".
:'''Michael MacIntyre''': Is it "'''D'''arling's '''E'''yebrows '''R'''eally '''B'''lack"?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "'''D'''isco '''I'''nventor '''R'''essurrects '''B'''oogie"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This headline is actually "'''D'''arling's '''I'''nuit '''R'''obot '''B'''utler". He has an Eskimo robot butler. What should we do today TickTarry37? "ICE FISHING!". Oh, not ice fishing a-"ICE FISHING!". Every day with the ice fishin-"ICE FISHING!". I don't know that you're a robot, I think you're just a suit of armour with a tape recorder in yo-"ICE FISHING!"
:'''Michael MacIntyre''': I think it's "'''D'''ara's '''E'''yebrows '''R'''eally---"
*:'''Dara O Briain''': Stop saying "Eyebrows" with an "I"!

*:''[Answer: Darling In Recession Blunder.]''
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear On The Radio ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In that episode of The Hugh Dennis Story, Hugh Dennis was played by Bruce Willis, Steve Punt was played by Hugh Dennis, and the band was Showaddywaddy. ('''Hugh Dennis''': You...)
:'''[[w:Michael McIntyre|Michael McIntyre]]''': You touch my turnips and I'll fuck you up. (imitates the theme to "The Archers")
:'''Andy Parsons''': And now for a travel update. There is an accident on the M1. It's a good one, so hurry up! There's flames and everything.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next, "A Book at Bedtime."  Martin Jarvis reads the speeches of Hitler in a high-pitched girl's voice.
:'''Lauren Laverne''': Good afternoon.  This is Radio 4 and I have a regional accent.
:'''Russell Howard''': Next on Radio 4, the dogging forecast.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Here on Trafficwatch, we're expecting long delays in the M4, where I'm about to hit my ex-wife's car with this helicopter.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now it's the panel show where our panel try to stave off premature ejaculation, yes, it's "Just A Minute"!
:'''Michael McIntyre''': Good morning, this is Breakfast with Tony Blackburn. I'm not actually on the radio, I've broken into your kitchen. Do you want toast?
:'''Russell Howard''': Next, more lesbian propaganda with "Woman's Hour".
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Well, you've certainly stumped the "Gardener's Question Time" panel. None of us know how to bring a fox to orgasm.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You're listening to Heart FM: The same five songs all day long.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': SIX AM! Welcome to the Breakfast Show! ''[wailing]'' Who's up at ''Six AM''!? My wife's leaving me! My dad didn't get up at Six AM and he was a fucking ''miner''!

=== 11 September 2008 [6.10] ===
====Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Small Ads ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Did you see a hit and run in the Cromwell Road on Tuesday night? Please get in touch, because I'm keen to silence any witnesses.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Parents, worried about unruly teenagers ruining your house? You need my book: "My House, My Rules" by Josef Fritzl.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Please get in touch. Our eyes met yesterday. You were the blonde undressing in your bedroom, I was the man lurking in your garden.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Legs, bums, and tums... wanted by cannibal.
:'''[[w:Stewart Francis|Stewart Francis]]''': Slightly used condoms for sale. No weirdos.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Are you an alcoholic? There's a sale on at Oddbins!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': House pricing falling, debts rising. Feel you can't cope? '''PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!'''
:'''Ed Byrne''': Gardening done. Think I'll put me feet up now.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Anger management CDs for sale. Don't ring before noon.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On Question Time ====
:'''Ed Byrne''': Allow me to answer your question with a question: Why don't you fuck off?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm going to take a question from a black man without mentioning that he's black. The man in the red jumper, please.
:'''Russell Howard''': Do I think the economy's in recession? Well, I believe it was Churchill who said (as Churchill the Dog) "Oh, yes!"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': David Dimbleby, you haven't answered a question all night. You are the weakest link. Goodbye!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A good question there. Is the BBC dumbing down? What do you think, Barry Chuckle?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Yes, my question is for Delilah. Why, why, why?
:'''Russell Howard''': (pretending to ride the mic stand like a dancing pole) Welcome to Question Time, coming to you this week live from Spearmint Rhino.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Question Time, tonight we're in Norwich. Let's say hello to the audience. Look, men from magic picture box go speaky-speaky!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is the wrong answer, Charles Clarke. Take off an item of clothing.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, good question. Gordon Brown, why don't you shove your tax increases up your ass?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If your dog isn't here, Mr. Blunkett, who's sniffing my balls?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I have a question for Boris Johnson. Do you know where you are?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is Britain becoming more misogynist? Let's ask this bitch.
<!--
=== 18 September 2008 [6.11] ===
=== 25 September 2008 [6.12] === -->
=== 23 December 2008 [6.13] ===
====Scenes We'd Like To See:  Things You Don't Want to Hear at Christmas====
:'''Russell Howard''': I'd thought we'd have a Vegatarian dinner!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's exactly what I wanted.  Princess Diana Skilectrics! (audience moans)
::'''Russell Howard''': (singing) Ding dong merrily on high...
:'''Andy Parsons''': Now you know that I told you that dad died in his canoe...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (as Santa Claus) Ho ho.  I'm sorry, there was no chimney so I came in through the central heating system.  I think I buggered your boiler.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': She's not my granny and she's not your granny, whose granny is she?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (as The Queen) This year, I have decided to give my Christmas broadcast completely naked.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Mommy, look what we found in these stockings...daddy.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh yes, this year we're pushing the boat out.  We're having a donkey in a goose in a turkey in a dog in a horse in an old lady.
:'''Andy Parsons''':  We've got a problem.  Mom doesn't know whether Slutty Vixens Three is a play, a TV show or a film.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You know, there are so many unwanted dogs about at Christmas, this year we thought "Why bother with the turkey?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Bad news for children.  Father Christmas has gone into administration.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Who wants stuffing?  (pretends to grab his belt buckle)  Granny?

==Season 7==
=== 9 July 2009 [7.01] ===
==== Things you wouldn't hear from a weather forecaster ====
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': The Met Office have issued a weather warning, they've told the weather not to do that again or there will be trouble!
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Temperatures could rise to 31 degrees. '''SHIT, I'VE LEFT MY BABY IN THE CAR!!'''
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': A hurricane tonight will be caused by low pressure and God's hatred of homosexuality.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A huge depression over Scotland, and now the weather.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So here's the summary: Monday – Shite, Tuesday – Shite, Wednesday – Shite, Thursday – Bollocks.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This part of the country is gonna stay hot and wet for quite some time. Because that's where my girlfriend lives, Oh yeah!
:'''Russell Howard''': It was raining cats and dogs last night. I should know, I was throwing them off my roof.
:'''[[w:Gina Yashere|Gina Yashere]]''': What are you watching me for? Look out the fucking window!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What do you care what the weather's like? You look shit in all your clothes!

==== Deleted Lines from Star Trek ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This is the Federation of Gay Planets. Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What's wrong, Captain Picard? WHAT'S WRONG?! I'M A [[w:Patrick Stewart|SERIOUS SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR]] AND I'M TALKING TO THE AMBASSADOR OF THE FUCKING WORM PEOPLE!

=== 16 July 2009 [7.02] ===

:'''Frankie Boyle''':  It was great to watch Gordon Brown, looking incredibly uncomfortable next to Berlusconi. Berlusconi, is like an old style fixer, isn’t he? 
::'''''As Berlusconi:''''' You want pussy Brown? You want pussy? You want some blow, you want blow?
::'''''As Brown:''''' I'm – I'm just here to talk about trade.
::'''''As Berlusconi:''''' You want the boy! Yeah! I get you a boy Brown, I get you a girl, I get you a boy/girl! Four arms, four legs, it's like making love to a man spider! You want me to get rid of Cameron? I get rid of Cameron, Brown! I make it look like suicide – like he fell in love with the man spider! I'm turning Spanish for you, that's how much I love you Gordon babay! ''(starts chuckling)''

==== Headliners: Gordon Brown (B. L. S. C.) ====

:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''B'''rown '''L'''ifts '''S'''ee-through '''C'''ucumber"?
:'''Rhod Gilbert''': Is it "'''B'''ungle '''L'''oses '''S'''howbiz '''C'''ostume"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "'''B'''onnie '''L'''angford's '''S'''ex '''C'''hange"?
:'''Russell Howard''': Has he just been asked to descibe himself, and he's gone "'''B'''alls '''L'''ike '''S'''winging '''C'''oconuts"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Has he been asked to describe himself, and he's gone "'''B'''ad '''L'''eader, '''S'''hocking '''C'''hancellor"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "'''B'''rown '''L'''evitates '''S'''cared '''C'''hild"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Has it got nothing to do with Gordon Brown? Is it "'''B'''erlusconi's '''L'''over '''S'''eventeen"? ('''C'''licks tongue)
*:'''Frankie Boyle''': We all know you spell (clicks tongue) with a "K" here!
:'''Russell Howard''': Is he screaming, "'''B'''ring '''L'''axatives! '''S'''ituation's '''C'''ritical"?
*:''[Answer: Brown's Leadership Style Criticised.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "One Million" ====

:'''Tom Stade''': Uh, how many children are Brad and Angelina planning to adopt?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How many times could I punch Adrian Chiles in the face without making him uglier?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "In a poll of one million people, how many people hate Christiano Ronaldo?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "How many will take their kids to watch ''Harry Potter'' this week simply to see how Hermione's getting along?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "In 20 years time, what will be the size of the black nation that Madonna rules?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many Nectar points do you need to get a set of tumblers?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': How much of the money Amy Winehouse has earned from the song ''Tried To Go To Rehab'' has she spent on rehab?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "What percent of the situation in the Middle East would be improved if we gave George W. Bush to the Taliban?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "What number would you get if you took everybody in Scotland who gave a shit about the Ashes and added one million?"
:'''Rhod Gilbert''': Is it the number of conversations of John Prescott they had to listen before they got to one without the word "party bucket" in it?
*:''[Answer: The minimum amount of payouts News of the World has paid for phone-tapping.]''

====Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things to Hear on a Survival Show ====

:'''Frankie Boyle''': I was first taught to eat in the bush by a French girl I went out with at University.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To get the fish, break the ice, jump the checkout and RUN!
:'''Tom Stade''': Not only is this lake good for fish, but we can also put a body in it.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Using excrement, mud and twigs, they've made primitive bedding here at the Premier Travel Lodge.
:'''Russell Howard''': I'm in the Congo. Let's settle this once and for all. Do you boys like Um Bongo?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Here I am, in the Jungle, the mighty Jungle... ''[starts singing chorus of The Lion Sleeps Tonight]''
:'''Frankie Boyle''': But who are the truly civilised? Is it the Umbopi tribe, or is it us, with our books, our medicine, and our internet--- Oh yes, it's us.
:'''Rhod Gilbert''': 'Course, food is a scarce and valuable resource to these tribespeople. So I've just bagged myself two nights with this fella's wife for a Twix.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You know, Ant and Dec think that their jungle's pretty tough. Well, they joined me today, there was no food... So I ate them.
:'''Russell Howard''': The villagers get up early and walk five miles to fetch clean water every day, which begs the question "Why not move the village closer?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The strong, powerful sun is making me sweat... Oh shit, here comes his dad!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I've been living in these woods for three weeks now, but that's what happens if you're married to the Home Secretary and she catches you watching porn.
:'''Russell Howard''': I'm [[w:Bear Grylls|Bear Grylls]], and this is my brother, Wolf Stir-Fry.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I've just achieved my life's ambition of climbing Everest with no food, and no equipment. NOW DO YOU LOVE ME, DADDY!?!?!?!?!? NOW DO YOU LOVE ME!?!?!?

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things to Read on a Packet ====

:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Ragu sauce: If you gave this to someone who was actually from Italy, they'd punch you in the face. 
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': To open, push down tab, break tab, swear repeatedly, STAB WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS!
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': Serves four, you greedy bastard. Now put some of that back. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Viagra are proud sponsors of Andy Murray. For people who can only ever achieve a semi.
:'''Tom Stade''': Bag may also be used for auto-erotic asphyxiation.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': Fairtrade coffee: If you don't like it, you're racist. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Sunny Delight counts toward your five a day... as minus two. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To stop diarrhoea, take one teaspoon and shove it up your arse.
:'''Rhod Gilbert''': Adults and children over 12 years: Try not to get those two mixed up.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Cup-a-soup: Just add soup. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Best before date: Rohypnol.
:'''Russell Howard''': Serving suggestion: on a plate, you ''thick moron''!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': We use only the very cheapest horsemeat to make ''Fuck It, It's Just a Cat''.

=== 23 July 2009 [7.03] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "40 Years" ====
:'''Greg Davies''': What is the average waiting time at Glasgow A&E on a Friday night?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "For how long would I follow Beyonce up an impossibly tall ladder?"
:'''Lucy Porter''': Is it "How long would it take to cook John Prescott?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "What is the youngest my balls have looked?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How much older does Dara look than Russell?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "On average, how long does it take me to knock one out to ''Loose Women''?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': What duration did Michael Jackson's agent initially plan for his run at the O2 arena?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': How long is it going to take me to raise the finance for my self-penned disaster porno film, ''69/11''?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "For how many years did Buzz Aldrin look in the mirror and go, 'It should have been me'?"
*:''[Answer: How long since Man first set on the moon.]''

==== Deleted lines from a Fantasy Film ====
:'''Russell Howard''': I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the heir to Isildur, and part of the Fellowship of the ring. Please leave a message after the tone.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Ron had been suffering from Swine Flu and people were avoiding him. Luckily he was ginger and he was used to it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I don't know why you're so upset Harry. The original Dumbledore died three films ago and no-one gave a shit.
:'''Russell Howard''': Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe? No Edmund, we found your porn stash.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': My friends, we will never hear the word "Mordor" again. ''Taggart'' has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Lucy Porter|Lucy Porter]]''': No, Harry, it's not a five headed dog, It's Girls Aloud!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am Aslan. Formed by the merger of ASDA and Matalan.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': We had only been there for a day, but to us it felt like fifteen years. That's Birmingham!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Did you honestly think I could be defeated by someone younger? I... AM [[w:Arlene Phillips|ARLENE PHILLIPS]]!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to [[w:Mordor|Mordor]]. Twinned with Swansea.
:'''[[w:Greg Davies|Greg Davies]]''': (hugging Lucy Porter) This will never work, Frodo.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': In the wardrobe, we found a magical compartment that led to.....the Fritzl family.
:'''Russell Howard''': HE STOLE IT FROM ME, MY PRECIOUS, MY.....oh no, it's in my pocket.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm not a dwarf, I'm a lesbian!

==== Things you don't want to hear from your flatmate ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That's my milk in the fridge. I squeeze it out of my tits with a vice.
:'''Andy Parsons''': No we can't share the electricity bill! I've got a phone charger and a laptop, and you're on a life support machine.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Our last flat was just like ''[[Wikipedia:Friends (TV series)|Friends]]''! Have you seen "The One Where Joey Kills Everybody"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I love talking to you, with you I can... (deepens voice) '''be my real self.'''
:'''Russell Howard''': There's just two of us, well three if you count God!
:'''Greg Davies''': I'd give you ten minutes in the toilet if I were you. That one could talk!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Well if you don't think I'm a nosey bastard, then why did you write that in your diary?
:'''Lucy Porter''': Oh that? That's just a novelty shower gel in the shape of a webcam.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, a Mr. Jihad called. He's says its time.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I don't see why I should pay for half the loo roll when I never use any!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'll tell you what, that hoover is powerful.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Ok, there's only one certain way to find out who ate my "yogurt": an AIDS test.

=== 30 July 2009 [7.04] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "27" ====

:'''Alun Cochrane''': How many moons does Uranus have? I'm not sure it's political right now, but...
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "In Dundee, how long does a day seem to last?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "If you're a footballer, how many times can you punch a DJ and get away with it?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "After how many miles of a marathon are you absolutely certain you took a wrong turning?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many gurkhas know who Joanna Lumley is?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How long was the trail of chocolate Hobnobs I used to lure my gran through the doors of a Swiss clinic?"
:'''Adam Hills''': Is it "How many times does Russell Brand think of writing a joke, give up, and just shag someone?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How old is this year's winner of Middlesbrough's Glamorous Granny competition?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How many times could I flick a peanut into Amanda Holden's face before she could feel anything?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many people still have jobs?"
*:''[Answer: The age of the youngest female MP ever elected.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely Things To Hear On A Consumer Programme ====

:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': I'm Adrian Chiles, and I was shocked by the new "Shrek" film. I've not been paid for it, but I seem to be starring in it!
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Consumer scams are on the increase. If you would like find out how to stop them, send us your name and address, your date of birth, and your mother's maiden name.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': I've just found out my jumper is made by Indian slave children. Can I just say they did a wonderful job?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next, we speak to Barbara, who was devastated when she bought Daniel Bedingfield tickets that turned out to be genuine.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': At first the company seemd willing to compromise. Then we sent them a letter from Nicky Campbell and they told us to fuck off.
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': I won't be on the show next week because I'm going off to Nigeria to pick up my lottery winnings.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Last week, we said that we were going to expose London's security scene. This week we say there's been a misunderstanding, could I please have my kids back?
:'''Russell Howard''': On closer inspection, Mrs. Wilkins, your hamster's jacuzzi would appear to be a food blender.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hi, I'm Nicky Campbell, and I've been plowing through the usual five sacks of hate mail to find this letter complaining about washing powder.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Today, as I stand before you penniless in the last clothes I own, we ask, "Is divorce biased in favor of the greedy bitch who left me?"
:'''Russell Howard''': We got there, the weather were crap, the food were crap, the locals were racist, what a bloody brilliant holiday!
:'''[[w:Adam Hills|Adam Hills]]''': Of the half-dozen condoms we tested, all but two burst in my stomach.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'm Anne Robinson, and without plastic surgery, I'd look like E.T.'s balls.

==== Things A Sports Commentator Would Never Say ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, they've called in the video referee. Which is better: [[w:Alien (franchise)|Alien]] or [[w:Predator (franchise)|Predator]]?
:'''Andy Parsons''': AH, YES, AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL UPPER CUT, AND ANOTHER ONE, BUT HEY, THE DJ IS STILL NOT GONNA CHANGE THE TRACK FOR STEVEN GERRARD!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Jimmy White holding up the queue there, as he collapses at the till at Oddbends.
:'''Russell Howard''': Welcome to Robot Wars. Cruncher, ready! Stephen Hawking, (as Hawking) ready.
:'''Adam Hills''': And England have won The Ashes. (crowd boos)
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It's the women's 100 meters final, and from left to right, it's: no, no, yes, maybe, from behind, (shakes head), definitely not.
:'''Russell Howard''': The queen smashes Camilla in the face, and Prince Phillip hits her with a hammer! This is what I call a royal rumble.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Venus Williams has brought something different to the ladies' game: male genitalia.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Ah, he's great with a dead ball. When I had one, I had to sit down for a week.
:'''[[w:Alun Cochrane|Alun Cochrane]]''': And I think that massive widescreen close-up of the wedgie goes someway to explaining why we don't normally televise judo.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': And that bloody smear is the reason you don't see a lot of streakers in Formula 1.
:'''Russell Howard''': [[w:1966 FIFA World Cup Final|Some people are on the pitch. They think it's all over...it is now]], the Chinese Secret Police have shot them!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, he's finally got his head down, his hands are firmly over the shaft, which is why I'm handing over to [[John Inverdale]].
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Overpaid, Overpaid knocks it over to Overrated, Overrated on to Possible Rapist, POSSIBLE RAPIST KNOCKS IT FORWARD, CLOSET GAY... '''GOOOOOOAL!'''

=== 6 August 2009 [7.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From A Thriller ====
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': Michael, Peter, David, Vladimir, I think we may have a spy in the organisation.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': Get me the Pentagon, then the Triangle and then the Square.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Ah, Pussy Galore, Bond here. I've been told by my doctor that I need to contact all previous partners...
:'''Frankie Boyle''': The owner of this motel dresses up as his mother and stabs people, but the guidebook says it's still better than the Ibis.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I want you to go to Warsaw and meet a man called Borislav. You'll then ask him why he didn't fix my plumbing before he left for home.
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': Miss Scarlett looked at him through the window. He had one massive testicle like a space-hopper. ''That'' was why they called him Professor Plum.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This no ordinary pen Bond. Turn it upside-down, the woman's clothes drop off and you can see her tits.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': RED OR GREEN, RED OR GREEN? WHICH DO I CUT?! COME ON, THEY'RE ONLY PEPPERS! HOW LONG IS THIS THIS SALAD GOING TO TAKE?!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': We need to find the third man. There's no way Amanda Holden will shag just two of us.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Heeeeere's... Simon.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The Orient Express has been cancelled. However, there was a murder on the temporary Orient replacement bus.
:'''Russell Howard''': I have amnesia. The tattoos on my body will tell me what happened. (looks) "Dara was here"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I've been a serial killer for four years, but they've never given me a nickname. Then you bite one guy on the arse and suddenly, you're the Butt-Muncher.
:'''Russell Howard''': (jumping up and down) ARGH! THE BUTT-MUNCHER'S GOT ME! THE BUTT-MUNCHER'S GOT ME!

==== Bad Things To Say At A Wedding ====
:'''Stewart Francis''': I do.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, the vows are simple. Just repeat after me: Eenymeenymackarackarailridedomarackacickolockalollipopperompompush.
:'''Russell Howard''': And we will now sing hymn number 225, ''My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard''.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': When John went down on one knee, I wish I'd known that he was having a  stroke.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'd like to thank Elsie for the flowers, it was her funeral I nicked them from.
:'''Russell Howard''': You're best man's in an absolute state. That's my mum.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Now, it's my job to tell some amusing stories about Gavin. So frist of all, for a kicker, he's a hermaphrodite.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': My bride always wears white. Isn't that right, Dolly? (baas)
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hey, Carol's family's had their doubts about me, so first of all let me explain why I'm naked.
:'''Zoe Lyons''': This is my first gay wedding, so you must be the pretty one.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': To my new son-in-law, I would say this: You have released me, this monster is yours now.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I would like to apologize for the state of my clothes and the smell of sick, only I spent last night in a skip. Anyway, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': People have said me "Why have you stopped being a bachelor after so long?" and I say to them look at her, she's wealthy and she's dying.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': It wouldn't be a traditional Norfolk wedding without a speech from the father of the bride and groom.

=== 13 August 2009 [7.06] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Once A Minute" ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How often when I walk into a playground with this beard does a mother pick up a her child and throw her shoe at me?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "What would be the worst misprinted dosage on a pack of laxatives?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''' Is it "How often do men self-check their own testicles?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How often does Uri Geller keep mentioning the fact that he was Michael Jackson's friend?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "If you put Wayne Rooney on a perch next to a mirror, how often would he peck his own reflection?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "How often does David Cameron point in a mirror and go 'Looking good, PM'?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "On their annual trip to Blackpool, how often does the British Claustrophobia Society have to stop the minibus?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it "How often to Dara and Andy gaze at my hair?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': How often does the average iPhone user take it out and fiddle with the poxy thing?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I know the correct answer. Is it "How often does Kerry Katona ovulate?"
*:''[Answer: How often the public demands private phone and e-mail records.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Bad Things To Hear At The Psychiatrist's ====
:'''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''': I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist, I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed the psychiatrist before you got here.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': You think you are a potato? On the couch, please.
:'''[[w:Ed Byrne|Ed Byrne]]''': Welcome to your first session of Freudian analysis. What seems to be the penis?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Well you say that you're paranoid, but I have a report here that says you looked very relaxed in the bath this morning.
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': Oh yes, I can see why you fancy your mother. She's something of a fox!
:'''[[w:Russell Howard|Russell Howard]]''': I see you've tried to commit suicide five times. Your dad was right. You are useless.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You've been coming here for six months to talk about your trust issues... while we've been filming you for "Britain's Nuttiest Bastards"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I think your parents caused you problems from a very early age, Clitorina.
:'''[[w:Stewart Francis|Stewart Francis]]''': Your thoughts that you're horrifically unattractive are all in your mind... ''Mr.'' Johnson?
:'''Russell Howard''': Okay, word association. I'm gonna say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your breasts.
:'''Ed Byrne''': That's really interesting. You mind if I use some of this stuff as lyrics for my band?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': You have an emotional problem and a very low IQ. I'm prescribing "Hollyoaks".
:'''Ed Byrne''': Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
:'''Russell Howard''': I want you to go to your happy place. Judging by the size of you, that's probably Greggs.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hynopsis could certainly help with your intimacy issues. While you were unconscious, I rested my nuts on your head.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Talent Show ====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': 2007's winner Leon Jackson is still selling records... at his Saturday job at HMV Paisley.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Of course it's not a freak show! Now get your siamese twin asses on that stage and you nail "Papa Don't Preach"!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Two crosses light up and the crowd cheers... as Stavros Flatly are crucified in flames.
:'''Russell Howard''': (old lady voice) Hello, I'm Rita, I'm 87 and I'm gonna do keepy up with me boobs. (starts jumping) I'm like bloody Ronaldo, look at me go!
:'''Ed Byrne''': Ok, you're right. I don't really have any talent, but I'm kind of cute. I'm Kylie Minogue's sister, for God's sake!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What a hilarious singing dog... Susan Boyle is.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': When you said you were going to saw a woman in half... I thought you were a magician.
:'''Ed Byrne''': My family aren't going to believe it when they see it on TV. They think I'm dead!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello I'm Susan Boyle and I wanna say hello to my brother Frankie. (waves to the camera)
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Susan Boyle is not related to me. None of my relatives will ever manage to chisel their way out of that cellar.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am an escapologist. Today, I have escaped from Broadmoor!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next on ITV4, it's ITV3's coverage of ITV2's making of documentary about the coverage on ITV4.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, I'm Billy Cock and this is my partner Brian Balls! And together we are... Billy and Brian!
:'''Russell Howard''': Hello, my magical racist cat. (Manchester accent) They come over here, they steal our bloody jobs. (meows) I'm not having it. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That was a beautiful song... until you fucking sang it.

<!--
=== 20 August 2009 (Midseries Compliation) [7.07] ===
-->

=== 27 August 2009 [7.08] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "One Fifth" ====

:'''Fred Macauley''': Is this "What fraction of the Jackson Five might not make the Christmas party?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is this "How much of the weekend can Andrew Flintoff remember?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How much of [[w:French and Saunders|French and Saunders]] is Saunders?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What portion of Enid Blyton's ''The Famous Five'' can lick their own testicles?"
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "England's only dwarf king was called Henry the what?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': How much of a Boris Johnson speech is not "Mmm...", "Well", "Blubububub", "I say", "Gosh"?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Is it "How does Jamie Oliver pronounce 'One fish'?"
:'''Seann Walsh''': Compared to how much you paid, how much is your house worth now?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "Whether you like it or not, how much happier are you when you see a fat person fall over?"
*''[Answer: The fraction of Scotland's tourist income that is provided by American tourists.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Want To Hear At Work ====
:'''[[w:Sean Walsh|Sean Walsh]]''': Oh. Oh, you've already given Michael his dosage. ''[bites lip]''.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': That's not a photocopier, it's a shredder. And what have you done to your arse?
:'''Russell Howard''': So, your probably want to know I got the nickname "Dog Botherer"...
:'''[[w:Andy Parsons|Andy Parsons]]''': ''[sarcastically]'' Imagine that, my first day at work and I've appeared to have slipped on a wet floor. Hmm, I think I might be entitled to compensation.
:'''[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]]''': He's the CEO, he's the COO and I'm the head of the agricultural division, the CIEIO.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Now, I want you all to put down those football boots you've been sewing, because I've heard that it's someone's very special 11th birthday and we got you a photo of a cake! (sings "Happy Birthday" in phony mandarin)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, this isn't the first operation I've done. Last time, I got almost the whole way around before the buzzer went off. 
:'''Russell Howard''': We've ran out of semi-skimmed, so I've topped your coffee up with breast milk. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': What do you mean it's not your turn to make the coffee? This is fucking Starbucks!
:'''Fred Macauley''': Get off, you're shit! 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Whoops! This air traffic control thing's not as easy as it looks. 
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK IN A LIBRARY! IF ONLY I COULD READ!

=== 3 September 2009 [7.09] ===
==== Rejected questions from this year's exams ====
:'''Russell Howard''': What colour does a Smurf go when we choke it?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Translate the following into German: "Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo daa doo daa".
:'''Frankie Boyle''': How many Pepperami big boys could you feed to Victoria Beckham through a tube before she became visible to the human eye?
:'''Russell Howard''': What is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the centre of the Earth? Is it A: gravity or B: ''magic?''
:'''Andy Parsons''': Katie Price is supposedly worth eight and a half million pounds and has got a thriving TV career. Explain.
:'''Stewart Francis''': If [[w:George Michael|George Michael]] leaves at 8 o'clock for a 5 mile drive, when does he crash?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There are six [[w:Cocaine|lines]] of equal length. How long will [[w:Kerry Katona|Kerry Katona]] be in the bathroom?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If a train was going at 70mph, how surprised would you be? 
:'''Holly Walsh''': What is amnesia? Is it A: memory loss, A: memory loss...or 4: the Battle of Hastings?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If Sally buys 3 oranges and 2 apples, how far south of Scotland is she?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a paedophile.
:'''Holly Walsh''': What is amnesia? Is it A: memory loss...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Draw a diagram of the male genitalia. Please use the tracing paper provided.
:'''Stewart Francis''': What are most Canadians known for saying, eh?
:'''Andy Parsons''': English: Is standards declining?
:'''Russell Howard''': Hitler, Pol Pot, Genghis Khan. Shag, marry, or kill?
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There's a wedding where Jane invites 20 guests and her partner Helen invites 40 guests. How angry is God?

==== Unlikely things to hear on a TV business show ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the [[w:FTSE Global Equity Index Series|Footsie]] has had it's best day since March. It went shopping, had lunch with friends and took in a show before shagging a complete stranger it met in a bar.
:'''Russell Howard''': Our invention lets you know whether or not a girl fancies you. We call it beer.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Ok, Dragons, I've developed a system that lets you get your own seat on the bus and it involves '''TALKING SLIGHTLY TOO LOUDLY THEN PISSING YOURSELF!'''
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This morning, I'm asking for half a million pounds and with that I will buy half a million lottery tickets.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Good evening, Dragon. Oh geez, what the hell is that?! That's Evan Davies, the host? I'm out.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Okay, we may have lost some money promoting Michael Jackson O2, but let's face it: I've just signed a deal for the Oasis tour.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello and welcome to Working Lunch, a show for people who are so good at business, they're sat at home watching the TV in the middle of the fucking day.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Dragons, I have 3 words for you: Reggae Reggae Condoms.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The last task was easy and yet you cocked it up! I only asked you to blow the bloody doors off!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This week, the Dragons meet a retired Nigerian brigadier with an offer that sounds too good to be true!
:'''Russell Howard''': Today, there was a hard drop on the Footsie, and I got a bruisie on my handy-wandy.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This week the Apprentices face their toughest task ever: selling the shit Sir Alan actually makes.

=== 10 September 2009 [7.10] ===
==== Bad things to hear from a tour guide ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Please don't take photos of the natives because they believe you are taking part of their souls. Apart from that, enjoy Norwich.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello, my name's Janet, I'm your holiday rep, and basically I'll be giving out morning after pills like they were Smarties.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (audibly whispering) Good morning. I'm afraid this is the loudest I can speak.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Venice is a most historical city famous for it's – oh shit, it's flooded! Everybody get back on the bus!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': A lot of you will be wondering why there are a lot of foreign treasures here at the British Museum. And the answer is quite simple, really: gun beats spear.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't worry, this castle does cater for the disabled. They bring you a sandwich while the rest of us tour up the castle.
:'''Russell Howard''': Let's have a little song, shall we? (does the opening notes of "Dueling Banjos")
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up later on, we've got the topless donkey derby and "Who's Got The Funniest Willy" competition. Yes, it's gonna be the best Saga holiday you've ever had.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': I know that a lot of you can't bear to leave Thailand, which is why I've hidden drugs randomly in your luggage.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And as we enter the next room, I need you all to quiet because we've technically broken in.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If you need anything, anything at all, I'll be under your bed.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': And if you look out the window on your left, you'll see the side of the road that we should be driving on.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Of course, you have to respect local customs. On the right hand side, you'll see a woman being burnt at the stake, and on the left, Dundee Town Hall.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, this is the deepest, darkest part of the cave. Unless you give me twenty pounds each, it's where you're staying.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And according to Wikipedia, the east wing was built in the year Dougie is a homo.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': We're now leaving the green zone. Pop on your flak jackets, this is the real Baghdad.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': An adult and two children is ten pounds. But enough about my trip to Cambodia.

====Scenes we'd like to see: Unlikely things to hear on a Breakfast show====
:'''Frankie Boyle''': If the woman I picked up last night is watching, help yourself to cereal, but get out of the flat by the time I get home."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now it's time for Thought For the Day... ''[stares into space]'' Hmm.... ''[Stops]'' That was a good one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You're listening to Six Music. Yes you. Just you.
:'''Russell Howard''': Welcome to Travel Report! We've got a text here from Dave on the M5, who says "Ha ha ha! Every morning, you leave for work..." ''[becomes shocked]'' "... I pop round and shag your wife."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, if you're trying to get in via Junction 2, stop it, it's against nature, and the Bible says no.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next, we speak to Fern Britton about having her stomach stapled. This time, to an enormous chocolate cake.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': In other traffic news, if you're on the M11 headed towards Middlesborough, I would turn around, because it's a shithole.
:'''Russell Howard''': HELLO! I'M DOING A SURVEY INTO THE EFFECTS OF REPLACING MILK ON YOUR WEETABIX WITH RED BULL!
:'''Ed Byrne''': We can see there's been an accident, Northbound, on the M1 and it is a beauty!
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Welcome to Radio Tourettes, you shit monkeys!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You may think of it as a breakfast show, I had mine at '''FOUR BLOODY THIRTY!'''
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Later, Vanessa Feltz will be joining me on the settee, and I'll be bouncing through the fucking ceiling.

<!--
=== 17 September 2009 [7.11] ===
-->

=== 17 September 2009 [7.11] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Unlikely things to hear in a children's TV programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We have John Craven. If you want to see him again, press the red button.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': This drawing has been sent in by Robert, age 9. That's a shit drawing, Robert. There are children your age in China, who can make shoes.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This week's episode of ''Thomas the Tank Engine'' has been cancelled and is being replaced by Ronald the replacement bus service.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, no, it's not Bagpuss. It's a dead cat that I have turned into a bag.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': There's rumor that the Teletubbies have been infiltrated by Al-Qaeda. Have you Tinky Winky? Doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-do. Have you Dipsy? Doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-do. Rashid?
:'''David Mitchell''': And remember, while crystal meth is a lovely treat, it's very bad for your teeth.
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Flobadobadob", said Bill. "Bloody foreigners", said Ben.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': "Flobadobadobadob", said Ben, because he'd had a stroke.
:'''Sarah Millican''': And today, children, we're gonna be learning where babies come from. Part one, foreplay.
:'''David Mitchell''': This year, we're sending condoms to Africa. Just ask your mum and dad to wash a couple out and send them in.
:'''Russell Howard''': Are your mummy and daddy out of the room? Good. Listen, you're adopted.
:'''Frankie Boyle''': Next up, Sharpay and Ryan take their audition failure very badly in ''Columbine High School Musical''.

=== 24 September 2009 [7.12] ===
====Scenes we'd like to see: Unlikely things to hear in a history documentary ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Next, a documentary about the life of the Queen Mother, which contains nudity and strong language from the start.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And it was here, at this exact spot that faced with thirty-thousand baying Frenchmen that Henry V shat himself.
:'''David Mitchell''': At the first day of the battle of the Somme, over sixty thousand documentaries were commisisoned.
:'''Milton Jones''': [''Impersonating a war veteran''] I was in the parachute regiment, I was dropped over occupied territory [''imitates whistling as though falling.''] Four-thousand feet, three-thousand, two-thousand. I pulled the chord. My cagoule tightened.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Two world wars and one world cup, do-da.
:'''Milton Jones''': 1547: Nostradamus predicts the rock group The Kaiser Chiefs. He also predicts a riot.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The final outcome of the Second World War has changed the world forever, so if you don't want to know the result, look away now.
:'''Milton Jones''': So it was my job to assassinate Himler. So I stood behind a tree and waited for his car to com around the corner. Then I lept out and said, "Boo!" Sometimes all we had was the element of surprise.
:'''David Mitchell''': The Loch Ness Monster: Fact or fiction? Fiction. Good night.

=== 22 December 2009 [7.13] ===
==== Unlikely things to hear at Christmas ====
:'''Russell Howard''': In the current financial market, a dog is not just for Christmas. It's for Christmas dinner.
:'''Andy Parons''': Dear Santa, thank you for the [[w:Super Soaker|Super Soaker]] 5000.  I'm now the best armed British soldier in Afganistan.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Bad news I'm afraid, Santa didn't realise it was an eco-house and he's been sliced to pieces by the wind turbine.
:'''Russell Howard''': Have you been a naughty boy this year, Tommy? Would you like to be? I've got money.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (singing) On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Chlamydia.
:'''Milton Jones''': A grain of rice for Christmas. Thanks. Thanks Uncle Ben.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Now we're all familiar with grandma's charade of ''[[w:Basic Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  So shall we turn the TV back on?
:'''Russell Howard''': Why is your nose so red, Rudolph? (in a raspy voice) Because I'm an alcoholic.
:'''David Mitchell''': You'd thought that the retail sector would find a way to monitize the festival.
:'''Milton Jones''': Baby Jack, we didn't know whether to get you a toy or a pet so we've compromised and brought you a rattlesnake.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hey, great! New socks! I'm off for a wank!
:'''David Mitchell''': I remember when I stopped believing in Father Christmas. The year he abused me.
:'''Russell Howard''': Mum! I was hiding in a sock and Andy did something weird in it!
:'''Milton Jones''': Daddy! I ripped one of my presents up too quickly and it was a puppy!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I discovered last night that your father has been having an affair.  One of the chipalottas might taste a little bit strange.
:'''Russell Howard''': Last night Santa emptied his sack in our room. Which is why I'm leaving your mother.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (as the Queen) This Christmas, I've decided to keep this Christmas broadcast short and sweet: Piss off.

==Season 8==
=== 21 January 2010 [8.01] ===  
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch ====

:'''Patrick Kielty''': ''(as [[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]])'' But before we see tonight's crime, let's meet the judges.
:'''Russell Howard''': Poilce say they are looking for a black man in his 20s...and that they always will be.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Do you recognize this man? Thought not. It's Nick Clegg.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up next week, we'll be trying to solve the murders of the people who phoned up giving information on criminals ''this'' week.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Today, we're looking at identify theft. I'm... [pauses]
:'''Russell Howard''': All the victims are deaf, dumb, or blind. These are senseless killings.
:'''Mark Watson''': Baffled police are looking for help. Do you know where Wally is?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Tonight, we're looking for the man who keeps on burglaring my home every time I present this program.
:'''Patrick Kielty''': Hello and welcome to Crimewatch. I'm your host Ray Winstone. LEAVE IT YOU SLAG!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Hello, I'm Nick Ross, and tonight I'm asking, "Who stole my fucking job?"

==== Unlikely things to hear on a TV election debate ====
:'''Patrick Kielty''': The truth. (''walks back'')
:'''Russell Howard''': Labour, ready! Tories, ready! BRING ON THE WALL!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I think of this studio as a second home, which is why I'm claiming expenses for it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the lines have closed. Gordon, it could be you. David, it could be you. Nick... it's not gonna be you.
:'''Patrick Kielty''': It's me that got you into this mess, and it's him that'll get you out of it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And at the end of that round, Gordon, you scored...no points.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Cheryl, tonight you're going to be mentoring the Lib-Dems.
:'''Milton Jones''': (pretending he's floating) Hello. I am the messiah...and the Queen is a biscuit.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am almost certain that was a floating voter.

=== 28 January 2010 [8.02] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to hear at an awards ceremony ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Our next award is for Most Inaccurate Weather Forecast of the Year. Let's look at the 9,000 nominees.
:'''Russell Howard''': Welcome to the Islamic awards for acting, or as we call them, The Mosquers.
:'''Chris Addison''': Gosh, so many people to thank. Where to begin? Obvious one, I suppose, Hitler. Uh.. What? What? What?
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the award for Best Envelope Glue goes to... (pretends to struggle opening the envelope)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Now, Teacher of the Year. Quiet down, it's your own time you're wasting.
:'''Chris Addison''': Time now to celebrate the stars of showbusiness who sadly are still with us.
:'''John Bishop''': I'll just open the envelope... oh, it's full of gold.
:'''Russell Howard''': And the award for Best Special Effects goes to the team behind Gordon Brown's smile.
:'''Sarah Millican''': And now we're a film showing some of the people that we've lost this year, including two you didn't even know were dead!
:'''Russell Howard''': (looking at card) I've banged that, I've banged that, wouldn't bang that, I'd bang that. Anyway, the award for Best Actress goes to...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (walking towards the mike) Welcome to the Accident At Work Awards. (trips and falls)
:'''Andy Parsons''': And winner of the Suicide Bomber of the Year, I'm afraid they couldn't be with us tonight...
:'''John Bishop''': And the winner of the Best Scientist In Physics is... There's no ramp, Stephen Hawking, it's not you.

=== 4 February 2010 [8.03] ===
No Data

=== 11 February 2010 [8.04] ===
==== Headliners: The House of Commons (P. T. F. C.)====
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "'''P'''issed '''T'''ossers '''F'''ace '''C'''hop"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''P'''arliament: '''T'''oo '''F'''ew '''C'''hairs"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact everything they've spent money on: '''P'''orn, '''T'''elevisions, '''F'''urniture, '''C'''astles?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "'''P'''erspective '''T'''emps' '''F'''ifteen-foot '''C'''amerman"?
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it "'''P'''oliticians '''T'''urn out for '''F'''ree '''C'''ake"?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': It's about the least recognizable man in politics: "'''P'''oliticians '''T'''ry and '''F'''ind '''C'''legg".
:'''Russell Howard''': Or is they're actually playing a game: '''P'''ick '''T'''he '''F'''attest '''C'''onservative?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact the Labour car scrappage scheme: '''P'''riotius '''T'''oyotus '''F'''or '''C'''onservatives? Imagine how good that would be if I meant to say Prius and Toyota.
:'''Milton Jones''': Or is it "'''P'''erformers '''T'''ry '''F'''ind '''C'''aption"?
*:'''Dara O Briain''': Okay, the "P" is for "Payback".
:'''Russell Howard''': '''P'''ayback '''T'''he '''F'''ucking '''C'''ash!
*:''[Answer: Payback Time For Commons.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "12 Minutes" ====
:'''Russell Howard''': How long too long is a pause to say "No" when your girlfriend says "Does my bum look big in this?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "If you push someone down the escalators at the right speed, how long will they keep falling?"
:'''Jack Whitehall''': How long does it take an elderly woman to complete any transaction at an ATM?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "When he looks back at his time in office, how much will Gordon Brown be proud of?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "If you brake in a Toyota, how long til it stops?"
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Is it "After how long of watching Paddy McGuinness' new dating show ''Take Me Out'' did I pray that the title have literal connotation?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "How long after the wedding ceremony did Paul McCartney think, 'I've made a mistake'?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What is a worryingly long time to be having a piss?
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it "What is the longest time John Terry has kept in his pants?"
*:''[Answer: How long to took Fabio Capello to sack John Terry as captain.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely things to read in a Valentines Day card ====

:'''Russell Howard''': I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got something nasty and now so do you.
:'''Holly Walsh''': You make me so hot, I can't stop thinking about you, lots of love, mum.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Happy Valentines day on this 24th of Feb, love Royal Mail.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You're the perfect person for me: pissed and gagging for it.
:'''Russell Howard''':  Be my valentine, or die in a well.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I love your eyes, I love your nose, I love your smell, why must you be a Labrador?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You make my pants hot. Yours, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Roses are red, violets are blue, valentines day is consumers bullshit, now haven't you got some ironing to do?  
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do we have to go through this shit every year?
:'''Holly Walsh''': Roses are red, poppies are red, the grass is all red '''shit the garden's on fire!'''
:'''Russell Howard''': I love you so much, I love you like no other, but never again lez up with my mother.

=== 18 February 2010 [8.05] ===
==== Scenes we'd like to see: Unlikely things to get through your letterbox ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Royal Mail parcel delivery. We called, you were in, so we ran away before you could answer.
:'''Russell Howard''': Just three pounds a month will save last year's "X Factor" winner from starving.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Do you know what's in your attic? It's me, I've been there since Christmas.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Have you seen this dog? No? Maybe your windows are too dirty. Call Kevin the Window Cleaner.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Are you looking for a dog walking service? Then call Ace Kebabs on 318 318.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Computer problems? Let me come round and swear at it.
:'''Russell Howard''': Why has your girlfriend stopped changing near the window? Love, Dad.
:'''Chris Addison''': Pizza: buy one, pay full price.
:'''Ed Byrne''': How's my driving? Call 0800 CRASHEDINTOYOURHOUSE.
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Dear Miss Winehouse, congratulations on turning 100. Best wishes, the queen.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Need a room cleaning? Call me. I'll come round and fart in it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Looking for an undertaker? Why not call Ace Kebabs on 318 318?
:'''Chris Addison''': Gardening service. Middle of the night a specialty. Call Rose West on Broadmoor – (audience starts booing) Too soon? Too soon?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hello, my name's Ashley Cole. Here's a picture of me naked.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would you recognize a fake ID? No? Great, I'll be back in ten minutes.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The Taj Mahal Indian restuarant. Formerly Ace Kebabs.
:'''Russell Howard''': Open your letterbox. It's me! (buzz) I'll get through one day. (Hugh Dennis walks in and looks at Russell)

==== Things you wouldn't hear at the Winter Olympics ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And here are the British ice dance pair Heather Mills and John Sargent.
:'''Russell Howard''': And now over to bobsled. Bob, how's the curling?
:'''Ed Byrne''': And while we wait to get them set up there, let's pan the camera there. Beautiful scenery. Look, there's a herd of moose. No, that's the Rumanian women's ice hockey team.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is the big hill. Oh, that's long! That's very long! He's gonna wish he's done his fly's up!
:'''Kevin Bridges''': It's 1 AM in the UK, you're watching the women's figure skating. Why not just bite the bullet and turn to Television X for the 10 minute preview?
:'''Andy Parsons''': And Britain goes away with two golds, two silver and a bronze. Well, that'll teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker open.
:'''Chris Addison''': And the conditions here reaching a bitter minus 20 degrees Centigrade. The British hopeful from Newcastle has put on a second string vest.
:'''Kevin Bridges''': You're watching the women's curling... men's curling... women's... you're watching the curling!
:'''Andy Parsons''': No one has more experience than him. What a wonderful games it's been so far for Pingu.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And the conditions are perfect, aren't they, John? Yes, they are, Bob. I haven't seen much this white powder since that stag weekend in a hotel in Bangkok.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, and that's what ice hockey is all about: a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall!
:'''Russell Howard''': The ski jump will start as soon as the British skier takes his hand off the side and stops crying.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And there, the skier's surprisingly stopped off halfway for a mulled wine and a shit.
<!-- 
=== 25 February 2010 [8.06] ===
-->

=== Sport Relief Special – 18 March 2010 ===
==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Charity Show ====

:'''Russell Howard''': I'm Terry Wogan, and if you don't donate to Children In Need, I'll take Pudsey's other eye!
:'''Ed Byrne''': And John Terry's agreed to do a lot for Charity, and her sister Verity, and her sister Gracie.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And remember, every pound you give leaves you a pound poorer.
:'''Chris Addison''': Alright, look, let's cut the bullshit. Bottom line, you all send us a fiver, we'll put the proper telly back on.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We desperately need your money. We're Portsmouth Football Club.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Well, that was some shocking footage there. I don't think anyone could fail but be moved and harrowed by that piece of film there. But buy the single anyway, it is for a good cause.
:'''Russell Howard''': Next on ADHD Relief – ooh, a penguin!
:'''Kevin Bridges''': For just £35 a month, you can provide a child with unlimited text messages and 500 minutes.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Every Premiership footballer has pledged a week's wages, so with that, we have bought Africa.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up later, we'll be poking Pudsey the Bear with sticks and making him dance.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And if we reach the target of three million pounds, I will shave my balls. And if we don't, I will still shave my balls. I don't mind doing it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So why not run the Sport Relief mile? I'm going to. Piers Morgan's coming!
:'''Chris Addison''': Celebrities have been doing their bit, they've been texting in all night. We've got one from Vernon Kay – Oh, my god.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Every time I click my fingers, my PA brings me a cappucino.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We have sent Nick Knowles to a poverty stricken village in Africa. My God, haven't those people suffered enough?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Chris Evans has spent the night in a bathtub full of baked beans, and when he's sobered up, he's gonna come in and do something for Comic Relief.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And now the cast of a West End show, desperately plugging their dying musical.
:'''Russell Howard''': This telethon raises money to get the homeless people of Britain gloves. That's right, it's time for Hand Relief!
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Just £8 a month can help these African children build a well, to hide from Madonna.

==Season 9==
===17 June 2010 [9.01] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Golf Balls, Tyres, And Rubbish" ====
:'''[[w:Diane Morgan|Diane Morgan]]''': Is it the things that Fergie tried to pawn to pay her rent?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What does John Terry put under his duvet to make his wife think he's actually in bed?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What is Heston Blumenthal going to a pudding out of next?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are this summer's additional toppings at Domino's?"
:'''Russell Howard''': What three are the gold, silver, and bronze prizes at this year's tramp Olympics?
:'''Diane Morgan''': Is it a description of the bouquet in Lidl's own wine?
:'''Milton Jones''': What was in the worst Kinder egg ever?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What would be your topics of conversation be if your dinner guests were Tiger Woods, Lewis Hamilton, and Uncle Bulgaria?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What does Nick Clegg have new responsibilty for in the new government?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Name three things Hugh Dennis hasn't done a voiceover for.
*:'''Hugh Dennis''': Let me just say this to you: Continental.
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "What does [[w:Optimus_Prime|Optimus Prime]] ejaculate?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What do you find in the stomach of a Louisiana pelican?"
*:''[Answer: Three things BP used to block the oil spill.]''

==== Headliners: The England World Cup Team (E. D. O. G.) ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Essentailly all the things keeping Lesley King together: '''E'''lastic Band, '''D'''uct Tape, '''O'''il, and '''G'''lue.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Should it be read in a German accent, and is it actually "'''E'''ngland '''D'''readful. '''O'''h, '''G'''oody"?
:'''Milton Jones''': Are they all looking at Peter Crouch going " '''E'''ither '''D'''inosaur ''O'''r '''G'''iraffe"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it what they're thinking about John Terry: "''' 'E''' 's '''D'''oing '''O'''ur '''G'''irlfriends"?
:'''Russell Howard''': It's what Phil Nevill's doing during the World Cup: '''E'''ating '''D'''oughnuts '''O'''ff '''G'''ary.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it actually the word "'''EDOG'''", which is the way Wayne Rooney says "Hedgehog"?
:'''Diane Morgan''': Is it "'''E''leven '''D'''odgy '''O'''verpaid '''G'''eezers"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it a ''Sun'' headline: "'''E'''ngland '''D'''one '''O'''ne '''G'''oal"?
:'''Milton Jones''': And why is Wayne Rooney pooing a foot?
:'''Diane Morgan''': Have they got the number of times they've been unfaithful on their shirts?
*:''[Answer: England Draw Opening Game.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Commercials That Never Aired ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Want to dress like you've got no GCSEs? Come on down to [[w:JJB Sports|JJB]]!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This ad may be thoroughly misleading, the product may not work, and it may burn your face off.
:'''Russell Howard''': Fed up with your dull, gray hair? Get used to it; you're a squirrel!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Incest: Just do it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Marmite: You either love it, or you hate it, or you think it's okay, but you'd rather have marmalade.
:'''Chris Addison''': [[w:Burger King|Burger King]]: Because you can't taste anything when you're pissed!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Have you got long, dry hair? Could we [[w:Efforts to stem the Deepwater Horizon oil spill|stuff it down an oil well?]]
:'''Andy Parsons''': Oy, Churchill! Have you been rubbing your arse on the carpet again?
:'''Diane Morgan''': Hello. I'm [[w:Carol Vorderman|Carol Vorderman]], and this is my grandmother. Yes, I will ''literally'' sell anything!
:'''Milton Jones''': I used to drink [[w:Strongbow (cider)|Strongbow]] cider with my mate Dave. But he was killed by an arrow.(to the knee)
:'''Russell Howard''': It's Christmas every day with new brussel sprout flavored condoms. Mmm, tastes like Grandma's ankles.

==== Things You Don't Want To Hear In Hospital ====
:'''Russell Howard''': I'm afraid it's the big C. It fell off the sign at Curry's and hit your wife on the head.
:'''Chris Addison''': Um, who's penis is this?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Come on, push! Push! We've got no staff and the bed needs moving!
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, just checking your notes here. You're Mrs. A... Oh, I'm sorry. You've got MRSA.
:'''Russell Howard''': You've got acute angina, and your tits aren't bad, either.
:'''Diane Morgan''': And if you don't want to know the results of your test, look away now.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'll tell you something funny about Dr. Thomas: In his handwriting, the words "tonsils" and "genitals" look exactly the same.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We're gonna put you to sleep now because you're old and it's the kindest thing to do.
:'''Milton Jones''': So, uh, talk it through me again, Mrs. Hopkins. You were having Sunday dinner, and you said to your husband, "Will you carve?", and he just lay down on the floor and gave birth to a baby cow?
:'''Chris Addison''': Of course it's upsetting, but you know, Hitler only had one ball and look how he did!
:'''Diane Morgan''': This is hospital radio, I'm Chris Moyles, and I'll be with you for the next fourteen hours.
:'''Andy Parsons''': ACCEPT THIS SACRIFICE, O MIGHTY SATAN!
:'''Russell Howard''': I don't like the looks of the charts, Miss Wilkins. Dizzy Rascal at number one.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': How many fingers? That's right, two. Fuck off.

=== 24 June 2010 [9.02] ===

==== Headliners: David Cameron (C. A. E. B.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''C'''ameron '''A'''nd '''E'''rrand '''B'''oy"?
:'''Russell Howard''': That could be it. That's a list of things he's in charge of: '''C'''oats '''A'''nd '''E'''veryone's '''B'''ags.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Is it the worst ever ''Carry On'' film: '' '''C'''arry On '''A'''n '''E'''conomic '''B'''allsup''?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it just a list of things we can't afford anymore? Is it '''C'''are '''H'''omes, '''A'''rmy, '''E'''ducation, '''B'''uses?
:'''Nik Rabinowitz''': Is it "'''C'''rap '''A'''dvert For '''E'''lite '''B'''reeding"?
:'''Russell Howard''': I know what they're doing. They're discussing who they're going to invite to their pool party, and they've gone "'''C'''rikey, '''A'''nyone '''E'''xcept '''B'''arrymore."
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it simply "'''C'''offers '''A'''re '''E'''mpty, '''B'''ollocks"?
:'''Jared Christmas''': They look like the worst version of ''Reservoir Dogs''. 
:'''Andy Parsons''': It's not then "'''C'''owell '''A'''ssembles '''E'''vil '''B'''oyband".
*:''[Answer: Coalition Announces Emergency Budget.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "3.5 Billion" ====
:'''Jared Christmas''': Is it the number of goals North Korea are being told their team scored in the last World Cup?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "If Piers Morgan got murdered, how many potential suspects will there be?"
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Is it "How many men are there on the planet with a lower testosterone than Serena Williams and her brother Venus?"
:'''Russell Howard''': What is the top speed in miles per hour of Stephen Hawking?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Last week, how many plankton have gone, "Have you got any shampoo, I'm really oily"?
:'''Jared Christmas''': Is it how many times James Cordon's been on TV since the World Cup?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What position is Fergie now in line to the throne?"
:'''Russell Howard''': How many people can not understand Emmanuel Adabayor still?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "After extras, how much does a five pound Ryanair flight cost?"
:'''Jack Whitehall''': How many children have to be born in China before they initiate phase one of global takeover?
:'''Andy Parsons''': The Glaser family have consolidated their debt into what easy payment?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many times will this episode of ''Mock The Week'' be shown on Dave?"
*:'''Dara O Briain''': There's a chance this is one of those times. We're all dead now, we've been dead for years. This is the fifth iteration of the Matrix, still they show it to placate the batteries.
*:''[Answer: How much the World Cup is costing South Africa.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines To Read In The Bible ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': The characters in this book are entirely fictious.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And Samson said, "Lord, why have you given me all of my strength in my hair?" And the Lord replied, "Because you're worth it."
:'''Russell Howard''': Noah noticed that the ark was sinking. He hated woodpeckers.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': And Mary and Joseph were turned away from the inn for there was no room. But then a wise man came along whose name was Lenny of Henry, and there was plenty of room at his inn, for it was a Premier Inn.
:'''Russell Howard''': Jesus was born in a stable, so many years alter, when he left the door open and people said "Were you born in a barn?", he could say "Yes, I was actually."
:'''Nik Rabinowitz''': And then a trumpet brought downt he walls of Jericho. It was Joshua with his bloody vuvuzela!
:'''Jared Christmas''': And Moses arrived with the commandments. "I'm afraid I've got bad news for Dave the ox-lover..."
:'''Russell Howard''': The Last Supper was a disaster. We're never going to Nando's again, lads.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': In the courtyard, Jesus came across a man who couldn't walk. "Brother," he said, "Have you been involved in an accident that wasn't you fault?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': And it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, which was a surprise, because the Met Office had predicted a barbecue summer.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Adam and Eve had twos sons who could not work together. Their names were Lampard and Gerard.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': About the author: This is God's first book, he has one son, and he's a little bit touchy about gays.

==== Things You Won't Hear Your Sat Nav Say ====
:'''Russell Howard''': Don't be angry, but while you were getting petrol, I shagged your iPod.
:'''Andy Parsons''': ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (Imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger) In 300 miles, you will realise this gimmicky voice was a terrible mistake.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': At the next set of traffic lights, a cyclist is going to pull up next to you and give you a dirty look like he's better than you. When the light turns green, let's see how good his balance is.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Turn right at the next junction for a bloody good dogging site.
:'''Russell Howard''': I tell you what, how about you get out of the car and let your husband park?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Turn right. Wrong. I didn't say "Sat Nav Says".
:'''Nik Rabinowitz''': WELCOME TO [[w:Johannesburg|JO'BURG]]! LOCK UP YOUR DOORS, PUT ON YOUR BULLET-PROOF VEST, AND DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! IF YOU GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME HERE, I WON'T BE HERE WHEN YOU COME BACK!
:'''Russell Howard''': Bear left. And over to the right, squirrel!
:'''Jared Christmas''': Oh, you just turned me on. (breathes into the microphone)
:'''Nike Rabinowitz''': Hold on, I've got the map upside-down.
:'''Russell Howard''': Left... left... your girlfriend's left.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Next dinner party, you drink and I'll drive!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Did ya turn the gas off? Did ya lock the door? Did ya? Did ya? I reckon we should go back. I reckon we should go back.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (looks around) Where the fuck are we?

=== 1 July 2010 [9.03] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Obesity, Warts, & Indigestion" ====
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it the original title of ''Sex and the City 2''?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "What do you get if you eat one of the Hairy Bikers?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What's the worst possible police call sign?" "Charlie Delta Foxtrot, this is Obesity warts Indigestion."
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "What three words are circled in Bob Geldof's book of baby names?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Name three things you can't get rid of by going "Expeliarmous."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are the top three paint colors in Dulox's 'Broken Britain' range?"
:'''Russell Howard''': What do you get if you eat a pizza while shagging a toad?
:'''Andy Parsons''': What should you not put before "GSOH" in a lonelyhearts ad?
:'''Ed Byrne''': What have I, at one time in  my life, have claimed my semen can cure?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What can you catch by just ''watching'' an episode of ''Embarrasing Bodies''?"
*:''[Answer: Ailments given as reasons for beign unfit to work for incompassity benefits.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear At The World Cup ====
:'''Russell Howard''': I tell you what, that Nelson Mandela's a bit of a dick.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And on comes the sub for North Korea. And it's torpedoed the opposition!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Heskey scores!
:'''Russell Howard''': The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, it's hard to tell with his legs at that angle, but yes, that is definitely a Brazilian.
:'''Russell Howard''': That's right, [[w:Emanuel Adebayor|Emanuel Adebayor]], I understand ''exactly'' what you just said.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the English fans are taunting the American fans by holding up an oil-covered pelican.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': England, of course, are being sponsored by Tesco Online, which is why John Terry has just been substituted by three ripe avacados.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And here we are on safari. There is a giraffe and an ostrich. I'm terribly sorry, it's Peter Crouch's parents.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': England are playing fantasticly. This is a splendid DVD of 1966.

==== Unlikely Letters To Television Channels ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': ''(In a Middle Eastern voice)'' As a terrorist, I've been watching "Countdown" with interest. It is rubbish, nothing happens!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear News 24: Go to bed.
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear Bravo, I don't know how to put this, but well done!
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear Channel 5, isn't it just about time you called it a day? No one will mourn!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm writing to thank you. On Sunday afternoon, whilst watching television with my wife, I was urged to press the red button. I did, and my wife had her first orgasm in 40 years.
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Al-Jazeera: Please bring back your hit sitcom, ''[[w:Men Behaving Badly|Men Behaving]] [[w:Baghdad|Bagdadly]]''.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Dear History Channel: The Nazis were bad. We get it.
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear Hallmark: Roses are red, violets are blue, your cards are shit and your channel is too.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear Channel 4, why don't you pricks book me for any of your shows?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear "Points Of View", who shall I write to if I think "Points Of View" is shit?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear Fiver: If I give you a tenner, will you please stop broadcasting?
:'''Russell Howard''': Dear Channel 4, why not liven up "Deal Or No Deal" by putting a nail bomb in one of the boxes?

=== 15 July 2010 [9.04] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "15" ====
:'''Zoe Lyons''': How many times a night does goalkeeper Robert Green wake up screaming?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "How many inanimate objects has Gazza spoken to today?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "If five pieces of fruit a day keep you healthy, how many will give you diarrhea?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What age do you have to be you have to be if you think the films ''Twilight'' are anything other than shit?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many gallons of oil are now under the Gulf of Mexico?"
:'''Milton Jones''': It's how many biscuits there are in the magic biscuit tree.
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it how many minutes a different girl recieves a text with a picture of Ashley Cole's knob?
:'''Andy Parsons''': What factor sunscreen would Dale Winton take with him if he was going on holiday for a week to the center of the sun?
:'''Milton Jones''': How many crisps are there in a packet of kettle chips?
*:''[Answer: The number of red and yellow cards given in the World Cup Final.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Bad Things To Say On A First Date ====

:'''Russell Howard''': (in a high voice) The last time I was in this nightclub, I was still a man.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I've brought some condoms, and in preparation, I've got one on already.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I know it's only dinner, but unless you sign this pre-nup, you're not getting any!
:'''Milton Jones''': My last girlfriend asked if I could play "Smoke on the Water", so I threw a toaster in her bath.
:'''Russell Howard''': Oh, I see. So when you put "bubbly" on the advert, you meant "fat".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You've got good hips. Let me see your teeth. (claps) We'll take her!
:'''Milton Jones''': Actually, during the day, I am something high up in the city. (coos like a pigeon)
:'''Seann Walsh''': So anyway, that's enough about me. Tell me about your sister.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Okay, so I cropped by Facebook photo so you couldn't see my conjoined twin.
:'''Russell Howard''': '''Whoa!''' How pissed was I when I asked you out?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Not as pissed as I was when I said "yes"!
:'''Zoe Lyons''':  '''I WANT A BABY NOW!'''
:'''Seann Walsh''': (with his hands on his chin, wiggling them) There's nothing you can do. I know I'm gonna shag you.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': My dating history, yeah... [[w:King Henry VIII|Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.]]

==== Unlikely Lines To Hear In A Disaster Movie ====

:'''Russell Howard''': From the makers of ''Snakes On A Plane'' comes ''Snails On A Caravan''!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I want you to upload the schematic to my PDA. (pause) I need you to send the picture to my mobile.
:'''Milton Jones''': Ambassador Frow, are you telling me that intergalactic war broke out because one of your people said "I'm going to the shops, do you want something?" and another one replied, "Yes, get me a galaxy"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Men, we are heavily surrounded, but don't worry. Gazza has arrived with some chicken and a fishing rod.
:'''Zoe Lyons''': It's one story of terror. It's ''Bungalow Inferno''!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Listen to me. I want you to take the kids, I want you to go to your mothers, you'll be safe there. I'm going to stay here and shag the nanny.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The boat is sinking, there's not enough lifeboats, and the worst thing of all, Celine Dion is singing the theme tune!
:'''Milton Jones''': (singing) [[w:House Of The Rising Sun|There is a house in New Orleans...]] (gargling)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The martians landed around 4:00 a.m. in Bracknell, went to Er, and left again.
:'''Russell Howard''': The ship is sinking! I don't care. I'm a duck.
:'''Seann Walsh''': Just press that, it'll be alright.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is a virus like we have never encountered. 50% of the population will be dehabilitated completely. The other half we able to carry on as normal. Gentlemen, this is man flu.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do you not realize? If this contagion spreads, the entire "X Factor" judging panel could be wiped out! (cheers and light applause)

=== 22 July 2010 [9.05] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "35 Million A Year" ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How much money does the Queen gets every year from Royal Mail for being the face of stamps?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': How many times a year does Katie Holmes think to herself, "If I just make a run for it"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If you were the man who ate all the pies, how many pies would you be eating?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How often does the Scottish justice minister call Al Mcgrawhi's mobile, hoping he doesn't pick up?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it how many times Dara googles himself? And when I say "google", I mean "masturbate".
:'''Russell Howard''': How much money would the UK make if they pimped out Robert Pattinson?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it how much would it would cost you if you stayed on the BT helpine long enough to get an answer to your fucking question?
*:''[Answer: The number of fake sick days the British population takes.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Rejected Questions From This Year's Exams ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To keep them cool, the testes of the male homosapiens are on the outside. Should he put them back in his trousers?
:'''Russell Howard''': Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
:'''Ed Byrne''': [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|If an oil well is spilling out oils at 50,000 barrels a day]], how do you stop it? Really. How do you stop it?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you mix [[w:Conservative Party|blue]] and [[w:Liberal Democrats|yellow]], how crap is your government?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If Mary has one apple, Thomas has an apple and an orange, and Tarquin has an apple, and orange, and ugli fruit and 2 kumquats, whose parents read ''The Guardian''?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Which is faster: a cheetah or Mel Gibson leaving the Mobo's?
:'''Russell Howard''': If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be?
:'''Chris Addison''': Calculate the circumference of Eamonn Holmes using pi.
:'''Andy Parsons''': A car is traveling at a constant speed of 70 miles per hour along the M25. In what imaginary universe are they in fact driving?
:'''Russell Howard''': Henry VIII loved the bitches. Discuss.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Chemistry: What's that smell?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call Claims Direct?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Your mum's a slag. Discuss.

==== Things You Won't Hear On A Gardening Programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip: Be careful what you do with the ''(in a high voice)'' shears.
:'''Russell Howard''': And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body.
:'''Chris Addison''': Not only that, but someone has been sneaking into the allotment and  putting topsoil on the ground. The plot thickens.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Last year, I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, so I phoned up "Time Team" and told them I'd just found a Roman coin.
:'''Russell Howard''': And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. ''(holding his fists up)'' Hi, guys!
:'''Ed Byrne''': You see, David here has got some nice bogia, and Jemima has got some nice hydragia, and I've got Chlamydia. 
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, that's all for this week. I'm off home to plant my seeds. My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot.
:'''Russell Howard''': (''as an old woman'') Why grow flowers when you can steal them from a traffic black spot?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Last week, you were complaining about rabbits being rampant in your garden being a pest. But let me tell you, I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden, it causes nothing but joy!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, I've been having trouble with a mole. He keeps passing confidential information to other gardeners.
:'''Ed Byrne''': You see, we've got a nice rockery over there, and there's a lovely fountain we've put in, and next to that is the Tree of Knowledge. YOU WILL NOT EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE!
:'''Chris Addison''': If your lawn suffers from patchy grass, just grow it long one side and comb it over.
:'''Stewart Francis''': In a garden, it's--- Who's blocking the light? Dara, could you just...
:'''Andy Parsons''': And over here is a wonderful water feature, like in Brussels, of a small boy pissing. This one's form Thailand and I pay him 20 pence a week.
:'''Russell Howard''': (''imitating said Thai boy'') He ain't lying, it good money!

<!--
=== 29 July 2010 [9.06] ===
-->

=== 9 September 2010 [9.07] ===

==== Headliners: Tony Blair (B. M. I. S.) ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it a list of what's in Blair's memoirs: '''B'''ragging, '''M'''oaning, and '''I'''cky '''S'''ex?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': It looks like John Prescott's going "'''B'''ugger '''M'''e, '''I''''m '''S'''tarving."
:'''Russell Howard''': Or is it all the things you'd rather have than read the book: '''B'''ulimia, '''M'''ixamatosis, and an '''I'''tchy '''S'''crotum?
:'''Milton Jones''': You're all laughing, but it's "'''B'''allistic '''M'''issiles '''I'''mprove '''S'''underland".
:'''Chris Addison''': Prescott looks bored, like he's running lists in his head. "'''B'''ette '''M'''idler, '''I''''d '''S'''hag... '''B'''arry '''M'''anilow, '''I''''d '''S'''hag..."
:'''Andi Osho''': Or is it "'''B'''oth '''M'''ilibands, '''I''''d '''S'''hag..."?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I think it's actually, it's what Blair isn't saying: "'''B'''elieve '''M'''e, '''I''''m '''S'''orry."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''B'''lair: '''M'''y '''I'''nfluence is '''S'''atan?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it their nicknames: '''B'''rainy, '''M'''iserly, and '''I'''nsignificant '''S'''ausagemuncher?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it just simply "'''B'''lair's '''M'''emoir '''I'''s '''S'''hit"?
*:''[Answer: Blair's Memoirs: Incredible Sales.]''

==== If This IS The Answer, What Is The Question?: "3" ====
:'''Andi Osho''': Is it the viewing figures for the Women's Rugby World Cup? If you added two?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it the number of North Korean players who got home safely after the World Cup?
:'''Russell Howard''': Is it "At what age is it too young to be on Twitter?" "Just done a shit. LOL!"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many Sugababes now have diabetes?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How long does a game of I Spy take, in seconds, for a group of Chilean miners?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many steps to heaven have been replaced by a wheelchair ramp?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': How many people last year in Britain paid the right amount of tax?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many livers did George Best get through?"
:'''Russell Howard''': Or is it "How old was the boy who made my trainers?" It's a joke! I'm wearing Hush Puppies!
:'''Milton Jones''': How many Facebook friends have I got?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What is the minimum number of membership for a Musketeers' club?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact, "On a Dulox color chart, how many oranges are there that are slightly brighter than Christine Breakley's face?"
*''[Answer: In the last test match, the number of no-balls the Pakistani allegedly delivered in a cricket betting scam.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Read In A Political Memoir ====

:'''Andy Parsons''': So we were playing "Truth Or Dare", and I didn't wanna tell the truth, so I shagged Edwina Currie.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Big Ben struck twelve and stopped. Thank God. My buttocks were on fire.
:'''Russell Howard''': I thought I pressed the button that summoned the tea lady. Imagine my surprise when it turned out I bombed Russia.
:'''Andi Asho''': I think the greatest thing about meeting the queen was listening to him singing "Candle In The Wind".
:'''Chris Addison''': Say what you like about Robert McGarvey, but that mustache makes all the difference to foreplay.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I suspected that John Prescott was having an affair when the four legs of his desk came through the ceiling above me.
:'''Milton Jones''': I was actually at college with Saddam Hussein. We were at Sussex together doing chemistry and combined inhumanities.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': At the start there were three women in the cabinet, five in the cellar, and two under the patio.
:'''Andi Osho''': Deciding to go to war was one of the tensest games of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo I have ever played.
:'''Russell Howard''': We'd sometimes break up boring cabinet meetings by convincing David Blunkett he was black.
:'''Milton Jones''': When we got into Bosnia, the first thing we did was get the United Nations troops setting up trusseled tables with plates of cheese straws and sausage rolls. It turns out we were supposed to provide a buffer, not a buffet.
:'''Andi Osho''': ''John Prescott: An Autobia- An Autobra- A Book By Me.''
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Take that you bastard," he said. "No one fucks with Mahatma Gandhi."

==== Things You Wouldn't Hear In A Medical Documentary ====
:'''Russell Howard''': I know you're a teenage mother, but no one will patronize you here. Come through to the slag ward.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Next, he was put in a cat scanner. Unfortunately, the cat was still in it.
:'''Milton Jones''': And so Nick Griffin comes round after the face transplant, and that's not the color he was expecting!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Okay, now cough. And cough again. Okay, I've got the diagnosis: Got a cough.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Eventually, doctors had to break his leg in six places. It was the only way to stop him from running around the ward, the little tosser.
:'''Chris Addison''': 34% of people in this country have irritable bowel synd- (runs back)
:'''Andi Osho''': What this attractive patient doesn't realize is Dr. Signh was struck off years ago.
:'''Russell Howard''': Brian is 75 stone. He hasn't left the house in three years. What a fat bastard.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': After months of tests, doctors finally found what had caused his blindness: He'd been masturbating too much.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Today, we're attempting a slightly difficult operation. What we're hoping to do is remove the adam's apple with a pair of tweezers without the patient's nose flashing red.
:'''Chris Addison''': Tara removes her top to reveal a hideous skin infection. Look away now if you're eating Rice Krispies.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Siamese twins were joined in the most embarrasing place imaginable and known by friends as "The Skipping Rope". (long laughter)
:'''Andy Parsons''': (looks at Hugh, realizes there's no way whatsoever he can top him, walks back without saying a word)

=== 16 September 2010 [9.08] ===

==== Headliners: The Labour Party (L. B. I. T.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it, uh, "'''L'''ocal '''B'''oy Band '''I'''ncludes '''T'''ransvestite"?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it "'''L'''ady '''B'''etween '''I'''dentical '''T'''wits"?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it my dyslexic friend's favorite sandwich?
*:'''Stewart Francis''': Fish fingers?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it about Diane Abbot's dress? It is " '''L'''eopard '''B''utchered '''I'''nto '''T'''oga"?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "'''L'''ads, '''B'''oys, '''I'''ntroducing '''T'''oken"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': On a similar note, "'''L'''iking '''B'''lair '''I'''s '''T'''reason".
:'''Stewart Francis''': On a funnier note, is it "'''L'''ook, '''B'''arack '''I'''nitiated '''T'''his"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Are they going for the youth vote? Is it "'''L'''abour '''B'''linging '''I'''nit '''T'''ing"?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it an advert? Is it " '''L''' 'oreal: '''B'''ecause '''I''' 'm ''T'''urgid"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it to do with the white streak in David Miliband's hair? Is it "'''L'''ook, It's A '''B'''adger, '''I''' 'm '''T'''elling You"?
:'''Ed Byrne''': I'm looking, on the left they've got red ties, and on the right, they've got blue. Is it "'''L'''abour '''B'''ecoming '''I'''ncreasingly '''T'''ory"?
*:''[Answer: Leadership Battle Increasingly Tight.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Animals, Candies, And Alcohol" ====
:'''Miles Jupp''': What things do you need for a night of amatuer flambeing?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What is a cracking night out in Weston Supermare?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it "Describe Susan Boyle's birthday party"?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "What's Lady Gaga wearing this week?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are the first three aisles in the Kashakstan Lidl?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': What three things can you fit up Ricky Hatton's nostrils?
:'''Ed Byrne''': What are the only three things a young Conservative remembers about his initation ceremony?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it the chapter in Dara's book that details his honeymoon?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "Name three things you shouldn't put in a Buddhist"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': What is the most poorly named Earth, Wind, and Fire tribute act?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it the new credit crunch pizza at Pizza Express?
*:''[Answer: Things not allowed in the Pope's visit to the UK.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear In A Kids' Film ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Oy, Shrek! Have you been upsetting Colleen again by shagging those prostitutes?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Garfield, what are you doing in that bin?
:'''Stewart Francis''': E.T., I'm pregnant.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Where's Nemo? Look inside the batter.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm terribly sorry. I'll just put my clothes back on. I thought you said "Chitty Chitty Gang Bang".
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Mr. Von Trapp, I'm from the council. We've had complaints about terrible singing coming from your house...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, he asked all five of you if you would want to look round his chocolate factory, did you?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Mary Poppins, I arrest you on supercalifragilistic sex trafficking.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': King of the Swingers, good to meet you, I'm King of the Doggers.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Wow, Nanny McPhee, that was not the big bang I was expecting.

==== Thigns You Wouldn't Hear In A Cookery Show ====
:'''Stewart Francis''': No, no, that's definitely poodle.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Today, I've brought along Chicken Tonight, but I'm gonna have it tomorrow. Smash the system.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So finally, just pour on the milk, and there you have it: cereal.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And remember, you must eat the brain to get their power.
:'''Miles Jupp''': A lot of people recommend washing your hands after eating raw meat, but it's just as easy to have a dog lick them or to wipe them on a relative.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Golden, Golden, relax. We're doing a bit of dinner, mate. We're not sorting out the Middle East here.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, just boil for 15 minutes, and if there's still life in her, she's a witch.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to ''It's Late And There's Not Much Left In The Fridge''. Today we're gonna be making onion double-cream banana-pass-the-ketchup.
:'''Stewart Francis''': The unique flavor of this sausage is from a recipe from my missing- my wife.
:'''Miles Jupp''': So if you wanna give your pub snacks that genuine pub feeling, why not sprinkle them with urine?
:'''Ed Byrne''': I'm Jamie Oliver, and in my new series, I'm gonna be traveling the length and breadth of the UK in a VW Camper. Welcome to ''Coq Au Van''.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And believe me, these fired insect legs really are the bee's knees.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Today I'm going to be making prune and sweetcorn chickpea couscous, 'cause I like to give my bowels a challenge.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Next, the ginger pudding. Antony Waroll-Thompson, what are you going to be cooking for us tonight?
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, I've been beating away for half an hour. But I'm just lonely, let's get on with the cooking.

=== 23 September 2010 [9.09] ===

==== Headliners: The Lib-Dem Conference (C. D. C. R.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''C'''legg's '''D'''andruff '''C'''auses '''R'''iot"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''C'''legg '''D'''emands '''C'''ardboard '''R'''ain"?
:'''Patrick Kielty''': Is it "'''C'''ameron '''D'''ies, '''C'''legg '''R'''ejoices"?
:'''Russell Kane''': Is it "'''C'''legg '''D'''isplays '''C'''urrency '''R'''emaining"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it because their in Liverpool? Is it in fact, "'''C'''alm '''D'''own, '''C'''alm '''R'''ight Down"?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "'''C'''eline '''D'''ion '''C'''ombusts '''R'''eaction"?
:'''Kevin Bridges''': I'm gonna go for "'''C'''legg: '''D'''avid '''C'''ameron's '''R'''ent Boy".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''C'''ranberries: '''D'''efinite '''C'''ystisis '''R'''emedy"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I've got it, Dara. Is it "'''C'''onference '''D'''isco '''C'''oncludes With '' '''R'''iverdance''"?
*''[Answer: Clegg Defends Coalition Role.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "500,000" ====
:'''Patrick Kielty''': Is it how much money Wayne Rooney thinks a good-looking prostitute costs?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "In cricket, how much do you get for a no ball?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many ants can travel safely in a lift?"
:'''Patrick Kielty''': Is it the number of flies Lady Gaga found in her knickers the morning after she wore the meat dress?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Or alternatively, is it the number of dogs that now follow her every times she leaves the house?
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Is it "How many missed calls are on Osama Bin Laden's mobile?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it the number of times Daniel Craig's mother has been told that when he was born, she should have said, "Ah, I've been expecting you, Mr. Bond"?
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Instead of the usual 10 green bottles, how many green bottles do the Chilean miners start the song with?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many accessories has Claire actually got?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How much was George Michael charged for 20 Rizla this week by Big Trev in E-wing?"
:'''Milton Jones''': How many tomatoes died last year as a result of knife crime?
:'''Russell Kane''': I know what it is. It's the number of Russells working in British comedy.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What number looks most like a train pulling a carriage?"
*:''[Answer: The estimated number of people who saw the Pope on his trip to the UK.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On A News Programme ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Behind me, a man lies dead. That's what happens if you pull faces in the background when I'm doing a piece to camera!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is BBC Three's ''News in 15 Seconds''. Floods, recessions, Lib-Dems, (making humping motion) Wayne Rooney.
:'''Russell Kane''': Medical news just in: Pioneering x-rays have proven that Nick Clegg has a spine.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Our tape of Big Ben is broken. Bong.
:'''Milton Jones''': This is Fox News. (barks)
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Freed bomber Adel-Basset al-Megrahi has died.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Are you there? Well, there's no one there. We hope to talk to Michael Jackson later.
:'''Milton Jones''': Later on, we'll be learning how the queen arrived in Australia butt first.
:'''Patrick Kielty''': Finally, economic news. We're fucked. Good night.
:'''Andy Parsons''': There is still an embargo on revealing the footballer at the center of this sex case. This is Brian Handerson, outside John Terry's house, sorry.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Protestors set fire to cars and blocked the carriageway for several hours in protest of something or other, bloody French.
:'''Andy Parsons''': City news now. London is dangerous, York is old, and Bristol is a bit weird.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A Train ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is the Virgin train service to Glasgow. If you're not a virgin, would you please get off at Hamelhampstead?
:'''Andy Parsons''': We would like to apologize for the bumpy the ride as we entered the last station. This is due to some selfish bastard throwing himself onto the train!
:'''Kevin Bridges''': We're now arriving in Sheffield. Could all passengers in first class please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world?
:'''Russell Kane''': We would like to apologize for the toilet being out fo service for the entire ride as Ricky Hatton is in it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Due to staff shortages, I am unable to finish this annou---
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hot food is now available because the buffet car is on fire.
:'''Kevin Bridges''': We've now arrived at Birmingham New Street. We are pleased to inform any passengers wishing to change to Wolverhampton that there is a JB Sports opposite the station.
:'''Patrick Kielty''': Excuse me, do you have any more of those sandwiches? They're delicious!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hmm, I wonder if I should take my personal belongings with me when I leave this train. If only there was an announcement the could possibly help me.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We apologize for the delay to this service. This was caused by a points failure at make something up.
:'''Milton Jones''': Hello. This is the train speaking. I know we're running a bit late, but don't worry, I know a shortcut.
:'''Kevin Bridges''': Could the passenger causing a disturbance in the quiet car please sit down and stop complaining about your heart medicine?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would the driver please contact the guard? We have no idea where you are.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is the driver contacting the guard. Where am I?

=== 30 September 2010 [9.10] ===
==== Headliners: The Labour Party Conference (E. M. D. B.) ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it how Ed Miliband was chosen: '''E'''eny '''M'''eeny '''D'''ibble '''B'''ibble?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''E'''d! '''M'''arvelous! '''D'''ouble-crossing '''B'''astard"?
:'''Andi Osho''': David is threatening Ed and he's reminding him of something he used to do. "Remember '''E'''d '''M'''ake '''D'''amp '''B'''ed?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Looking at the acting on David's face, is it "'''E'''lder '''M'''iliband '''D'''eserves '''B'''AFTA"?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Is it what David should have done the minute he was born: '''E'''radicate '''M'''y '''D'''ad's '''B'''ollocks?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''E'''rnie '''M'''arginally '''D'''efeats '''B'''ert"?
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Does it have something to do with the way Ed's standing? Is it "'''E'''d '''M'''iliband '''D'''isguises '''B'''oner"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I reckon it's just a headline from the Daily Mail, isn't it? "'''E'''vil '''M'''arxist '''D'''ictator '''B'''astard!"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it a bit of a scandal? Is it "'''E'''d's '''M'''other is '''D'''avid's '''B'''rother"?
*:''[Answer: Ed Miliband Defeats Brother.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "7 Years" ====
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Is it "How long would Chris Moyles not have to be paid for before I gave a shit?" (applause) ('''Dara''': One of the largest, spontaneous, and heartfelt applauses we've had this week.)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How long is it since Eamonn Holmes last saw his feet?" ('''Dara''': Whereas the audience can turn.)
:'''Andi Osho''': Is it "How many years of good luck would you get if you broke Jeremy Clarkson's face?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': What is the average age of a construction worker at the Commonwealth Games?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Is it "After how long would the Chilean miners decide it's not gay if it happens underground?"
:'''Andy Parsons''' Is it "How old is the Earth, according to Sarah Palin?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How long does it take Dara to put a polo neck on?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What is the longest recorded phone call between my wife and her mother?
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Is it "How many of my school years was spent being called Screech from ''Saved By The Bell''?"
:'''Chris Addison''': How long does it take the idiot in front of you to use the self check-out?
*:''[Answer: How much time New Delhi had to prepare for the commonwealth Games.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear In A Quiz Show ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, welcome to ''Junior Mastermind'', our annual competition to find the best nerdy, specky, knobby no-mates in Britain 2010.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We asked 100 people, name something you eat with a spoon, and the top answer was: "Piss off, I'm busy".
:'''Andi Osho''': So, Nick Griffin, you were the weakest link in that round, and yet you chose to get rid of Rasheed. Why?
:'''Carl Donnelly''': And on tonight's ''Family Fortunes'', we're joined by the Fritzls and the Wests.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Noel, your soul for a ressurected career. Deal or No Deal?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Ooh, this one has really stumped Steve from the Eggheads. The question was "What is it like to have sex with a woman?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Welcome to ''Weakest Link'': Bankers' Edition. You've banked nothing, scored nothing, and yet you still have a bonus. (wild applause)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You have one lifeline left. That's calling your country's goverment to see whether they will accept our demands.
:'''Chris Addison''': We've asked a hundred people where is the g-spot. You've given us your answer. If it's up there, love, I'll give you the money meself.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So this question for £100: What is your PIN number?
:'''Chris Addison''': 60 quid for half a gram of coke. Deal or no deal?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': ''[to Chris]'' Deal. (walks back)
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it. And by that, of couse, I mean my bottom.

=== 7 October 2010 [9.11] ===

==== Headliners: The Prime Minister And Chancellor (S. C. D. C.) ====
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Is it he's telling the only two people who won't be affected by the cuts: '''S'''amantha '''C'''ameron & '''D'''avid '''C'''ameron?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "'''S'''top '''C'''laiming '''D'''isability, '''C'''havs"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it just simply going "'''S'''andwiches, '''C'''legg. '''D'''rinks, '''C'''legg."?
:'''Miles Jupp''': I'm not sure what the answer is, but there are certainly two "C" words there, aren't there?
:'''Ed Byrne''': He's forgot his hand puppets. This is a little act he does called "'''S'''aint '''C'''ameron, '''D'''evil '''C'''ameron".
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it to do with, in fact the child benefit cut? Is it "'''S'''ave '''C'''ash, '''D'''on't '''C'''opulate"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is he simply saying "'''S'''tarving '''C'''hildren: '''D'''on't '''C'''are"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it everyone he hates: '''S'''ocialists, '''C'''havs, '''D'''ossers and the '''C'''hinese? He had a year out there, it didn't go well.
*:''[Answer: Spending Cuts Dominate Conference.]

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "4 Days" ====
:'''Miles Jupp''': What age do Scottish children start drinking? As a sport?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Is it the time it takes light to travel around Eric Pickles?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How long after becoming president would Sarah Palin nuke Iran?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': How long can a Chilean miner make a cracker barrel last for?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "How long is a quick go on the sunbed if you're a teenage girl from the Liverpool area?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "If it took God 6 days to make the world, how long would it have taken him if he was Polish?"
:'''Jack Whitehall''': If Nick Clegg got kidnapped, how long would it take someone in Downing Street to say "Ooh, no one's changed the ink on this printer"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How long does a bag for life normally actually last?"
*:''[Answer: How long the Ryder Cup lasted.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Detective Show ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': The suspect has got a gun, but it's okay, Gazza's arrived and he's brought some chicken and a fishing rod.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm not doing it. This is a mid-winter murder. It's freezing, it's not in the contract.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And as you can see from these samples we've taken that we've scraped from under her fingernails, she was manky!
:'''Jack Whitehall''': He was a policeman who got hit by a car and thought that he woken up in 1970. He was wrong, it was present day. This is '''CSI: Hull'''.
:'''Chris Addison''': Sargeant, if you look closely, there are semen stains all over these bedsheets. Let's book into the Holiday Inn instead.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Poirot, you've done it again: You've bored me shitless for the last two hours.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So that's it? At the end of a three month investigation, that is it? It's Colonel Mustard in the Living Room with a Lead Pipe?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Inspector, has anyone ever said you look an awful lot like David Jason from ''Only Fools and Horses...''?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Yes, Miss Marple, we've had the lab results back and it's very interesting--- actually, it's thrush.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': He fits the profile. This is going to be a really boring episode of ''Hole In The Wall''.
:'''Miles Jupp''': You're probably wondering why I asked you all to gather here in the library. What? Sorry. (whispering) You're probably wondering why I asked you to gather in the library.
:'''Chris Addison''': It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds. Have you any idea why he was killed? It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Ken Stott is detective inspector David Sod in ''Sod's Law''.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Well, we know who's responsible for the killing. It's society. Yeah, you wanan think about that, hmm?
:'''Andy Parsons''': The body is that of Eamonn Holmes. We may need a little more chalk.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear From A Sports Commentator ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, just (who ever wrote this is a dick cause he made a spelling mistake) eighteen meters to go and the building of this running track will be finished.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And Ricky Hatton there, bleeding heavily from the nose. This boy really knows how to party.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And we're just getting word that Usain Bolt's leg isn't really sprained, it's broken. So the only thing to do is to collect some sperm and then shoot him in the head.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Hello and welcome to Sky Sports, or if you're watching Sky Sports 3D, '''HELLO AND WELCOME!'''
:'''Ed Byrne''': Ah, the smack of leather on willow as Sue Barker walks into a tree.
:'''Andy Parsons''': (imitates cars zooming past) The race hasn't started yet, I've just got a bit of a problem.
:'''Chris Addison''': All of the drives have got their own good luck rituals. This one's brought a tiny good luck troll. Oh, wait, that's Bernie Eccleston.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, we'll have to see what the referee gets out... I don't think any of us were expecting that.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Unfortunately, the Manchester United team has shown up in the wrong kit, so today, they're gonna have to play in their pants.
:'''Andy Parsons''': He's got his wood out, and he's in a nasty bit of rough. He's got to get to the golf course ask quickly as he can.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, I have to say I do agree with the crowd. The referee is a wanker.
:'''Chris Addison''': Welcome to Delhi for the shit pit--- Sorry, the shot put--- No, I was right first time!
:'''Jack Whitehall''': You've joined me for the men's discus final. ''WOMEN'S?'' That's no woman!
:'''Miles Jupp''': And as the Derby winner is let out by his jockey, the sexual tension is almost unbearable.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So with one over to go, this next delivery could change everything. And it has, it's a no ball, I've won £400,000, and I'm off to the airport.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Oh, and it's a beautiful shot there on the black. I really should remember those boxers' name.
<!--
=== 14 October 2010 [9.12] ===
-->

==Season 10==
=== 9 June 2011 [10.01] ===

==== Headliners: Fifa President Sepp Blatter & David Beckham (B. S. I. P.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it, uh, "'''B'''ean '''S'''prouts '''I'''n '''P'''ackage"?
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "'''B'''latter '''S'''teals '''I'''diot's '''P'''izza"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''B'''ull '''S'''hitter '''I'''s '''P'''resident"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''B'''eckham's '''S'''pelling '''I'''s '''P'''hunny"?
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it that new cough medicine that Beckham's launching? It's called "'''B'''eck-'''SIP'''".
:'''Andy Parsons''': It's not "'''B'''iscuit '''S'''election '''I'''mpresses '''P'''resident", is it?
*:''[Answer: Blatter Stays In Power.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "500 Million" ====
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it the amount of times that Ryan Giggs has gone home late and said, "Ah, extra football training"?
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "How many doors will a Jehovah's Witness have to knock on before someone lets him in?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many times does Cheryl Cole have to repeat a sentence before the American public will understand it?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many tiny farmers with their tiny plows does it take to make a field of corduroy?"
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it how many times Wayne Rooney will have to play a monkey at Connect Four before he won?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many lines would you get if you shag the headmaster's wife?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "If you took out the entrails from every adult in the United Kingdom and laid them all out end-to-end, how many years in prison would you get?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many times do we have to bomb Gaddafi's house before NATO  admits that we're trying to kill him?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many bumps will Stonehedge get on its next birthday?"
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it how many miles I would run just to punch Justin Bieber in the face?
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "What rhymes with 'shive-hundred shmillion'?"
*:''[Answer: How much the Olympic committee is hoping to make on ticket sales.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Okay, today, we're going to have a special outing. So, Miss Williams, if you would like to tell everybody why you're a lesbian.
:'''Milton Jones''': We welcome a new member of staff today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body, and we will call him "The Head".
:'''Chris Addison''': Would [[w:Milkshake (song)|whoever's milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard]] please stop it?
:'''Greg Davies''': I'm sorry to keep you waiting, boys and girls. I've just had a shit the size of a baby seal.
:'''Chris Addison''': If you're found in posession of cocaine, you'll be given 100 lines. No, wait...
:'''Seann Walsh''' And today in the after school club, we'll be using paper-mache to make a mother that actually loves you enough to pick you up at 3:00.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Cur. (waits for the laughter to die down) His nickname will remain the same.
:'''Greg Davies''': A wise man once said, boys and girls, that if you try your hardest, you can fulfill your dreams. Generally, that's true. Not for you though, Tom. You can't read. So...
:'''Seann Walsh''': And today everyone, we have a new boy. Now for some reason, whatever reason, he's been to a lot of schools, so be kind to him. Would you please make your way to the front, Richard Poowilly?
:'''Milton Jones''': A word about registers: Most of the staff are on one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So that is how you put on a condom. But sir, shouldn't you have used a cucumber? Not with that E. Coli kicking around!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Sorry. Sorry I'm late, I've just had a run-in with an interactive whiteboard. It told me to fuck off.
:'''Chris Addison''': I've had all your mums.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Talent Show ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in German accent) Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a stepladder.
:'''Greg Davies''': (in an off-key voice) You're right! I can't sing! Thanks!
:'''Milton Jones''': I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who was run over last week and is in hospital. (Singing) The wheels of the bus go round and round...
:'''Seann Walsh''': I've got an ability that no one else on this planet has. (points) That's Ant, that's Dec.
:'''Andy Parsons''': It was like Elvis was in the building. You're fat and there's a stench of death.
:'''Chris Addison''': Now, Peter, it's not what everyone would call entertainment, but you are one hell of an assassin!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I thought you hit the high notes really, really well. Be interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp.
:'''Greg Davies''': Oh, where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here. (takes the mic to his groin and sings "Feelings")
:'''Hugh Dennis''': When you said you were gonna ride a donkey...
:'''Andy Parsons''': Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants going, (singing) ''Feelings...''
:'''Chris Addison''': That was an exceptional performance and the way you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational. But this is a chip shop, the "X Factor" audition is next door.
:'''Seann Walsh''': (as Michael MacIntyre) I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're all terrible, okay? All of you, you're completely dreadful. I don't know what you're doing, especially you, Hasselhoff. What have you done since "Baywatch"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': As well as that, I can also unzip the top of me head, it's where I keep me pajamas.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I know you said you were a Gary Glitter tribute act, but we weren't expecting you to do that!

=== 16 June 2011 [10.02] ===
==== Headliners: Ed Miliband and His Brother (E. M. I. T.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''E'''vil '''M'''annequins '''I'''n '''T'''opman"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Does it describe Ed's first year in office? Is it "'''E'''lected, '''M'''arried, '''I'''solated, '''T'''erminated"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it just what Ed's brain tells him to do when he's talking? "'''EMIT-EMIT-EMIT'''!"
:'''Andy Parsons''': It's not simply "'''E'''asy '''M'''ate, '''I''''m '''T'''icklish".
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it Rod Street in that, Dara? He's going "'''E'''asy, '''M'''an, '''I''''s '''T'''oasty!"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it just "'''E'''d '''M'''iliband '''I'''s '''T'''osser"?
:'''Diane Morgan''': Is it "'''E'''d '''M'''ight '''I'''njure '''T'''roublemaker"?
:'''Ed Byrne''': How about "'''E'''ngineers '''M'''anufacture '''I'''miation '''T'''ories"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Equallt satrically, is it "'''E''' '''M'''iliband '''I'''s '''T'''epladder?"
*''[Answer: Ed Miliband In Trouble.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Around 24,000" ====
:'''Diane Morgan''': Is it "How many pictures of Pippa's ass were in the ''News of the World'' today?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many people have to be in a post office before they open a second window?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "How many perfectly good children's names are there that Gwenyth Paltrow seems to be completely unaware of?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many monkeys were shaved to provide Rooney's hair transplant?"
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it the number of Father's Day cards Ryan Giggs is going to recieve this year?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many salads can you buy for the price of one in Berlin Albey?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What ticket number would make you think, 'You know, I think I might come back to this deli counter tomorrow'?"
:'''Diane Morgan''': Is it how many missed calls Simon Cowell has from Cheryl Cole?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many Olympic tickets did you have to apply for to get Row Z for the synchronised swimming?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': How many times could I punch Piers Morgan in the face before it could stop being fun and I continued to do it in a sense of duty?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it the number of times I say "What a load of old bollocks" and my wife is watching ''Lark Rise to Candleford''?
*:''[Answer: The number of pages of Sarah Palin's e-mails released.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On A History Documentary ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Russians had Lemsip. The Americans had Night Nurse. This was The Cold War.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And it was in this humble florists that The War of The Roses began.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Guy Fawkes' bit to blow up the House of Parliament failed when he realized his body was made of jumpers and his head was an old football.
:'''Chris Addison''': Tonight on "Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain": (As Bruce) "Bo to Sea, To Sea Bo"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Horatio Nelson: One arm, one eye. A tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep and someone finds your organ donor card.
:'''Diane Morgan''': Welcome to "Biggest Historical Boobs" with me, Katie Price.
:'''Chris Addison''': Tonight, I intend to find out exactly what did happen to Hitler's other ball, and my search begins right here, in the Albert Hall.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And on "Time Team" tonight, we're in Stratford-On-Avon, where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons and some typewriters.
:'''Andy Parsons''': When Hitler started writing "Mein Kampf", he intended it to be a lighthearted romp called "Carry On Kampfing".
:'''Chris Addison''': John F. Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon. If history teaches us anything it's that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': To be honest, I'm not interested all this old nonsense, really. But since the end of "Blackadder", the work's been fairly odd.
:'''Ed Byrne''': It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin presented "Weakest Link" for as long as she did.
:'''Chris Addison''': Of course, the Bronze Age was the third best age in history.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now the documentary that every Channel 5 commisioner has dreamt of: "Did Hitler Sink The Titanic?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for three weeks and we've found this one piece of crockery which tells us we desperately need to get laid.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear Over A Tannoy ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We apologize to customers recently alighted at Northampton. I opened the wrong doors.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Could all the people shopping here at ASDA please accept that you are piss-poor?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Clean up required in the magazine aisle between "Loaded" and "Nuts"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would the parents of the lost child please pick up at the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him.
:'''Diane Morgan''': I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week is 100% off German Bean Sprouts.
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you would like to upgrade to first class, then you should gone to school and got a better job.
:'''Chris Addison''': Could the small boy holding the owls stop running at the wall between Platforms 9 and 10?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would the man on Pump Number 4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on Pump Number 6?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with the tinted windows and the go-faster stripe...sort your life out will ya?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Uh, uh, uh, I can't remember what the code is. Um, would Mr. Fire please report to the kitchen? That's Mr. Out Of Control Fire. Please report to the kitchen before it's too late. I don't want to start a panic.
:'''Diane Morgan''': The train now approaching Platforms 3, 4, and 5 is the derailed 4 o'clock train from Swansea.
:'''Chris Addison''': Would the owners of a Black Jaguar please move it as it's attacking the customers.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is your captain speaking. You can now turn on your mobile phones as you'll need to text your loved ones goodbye. We're plummeting into the sea.

=== 23 June 2011 [10.03] ===
==== Headliners: David Cameron & The Deputy Prime Minister (G. U. P. C.) ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it one of Cameron's favorite fancies: '''G'''irls, '''U'''niforms, '''P'''atients, '''C'''legg?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "'''G'''eneticists '''U'''nveil '''P'''ointless '''C'''lone"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it Cameorn ordering lunch? Is it "'''G'''oose, '''U'''glifruit, '''P'''heasant, and a '''C'''oke"?
:'''Ava Vidal''': Is it "'''G'''ormless '''U'''nderachievers '''P'''unish '''C'''ountry"?
:'''Chris Addison''': It's kinda like Ant and Dec have delivered a baby.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it "'''G'''ay '''U'''nion '''P'''arade '''C'''ameron"?
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it Cameron's thinking "'''G'''loves '''U'''nnecessary for '''P'''rostate Check"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "'''G'''enuinely '''U'''nfunny '''P'''hoto '''C'''aption"?
*:'''Dara O Briain''': In many ways, they all are.
*:''[Answer: Governemnt U-Turns Provoke Criticism.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "2 Years" ====
:'''Ava Vidal''': How long does a kid stay cute for?
:'''Chris Addison''': In 1990, how long did it take to download one boob?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it how long before Prince William goes, "Is it okay if I sleep with your sister?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it when your Olympic tickets should arrive?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "If George Osbourne was attacked by a crocodile, how long would I be laughing for before I called the emergency services?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How does a Welshman say '2 ears'?"
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it how long you should wait after Eric Pickles has been in the toilet?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How long could a cannibal live off J. Lo's buttocks?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How long would David Blaine have to be dead in a box before anyone noticed?"
*:''[Answer: How long experts say it could take for the Euro to break apart.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From A Superhero Film ====
:'''Stewart Francis''': Worry not, Procrastination Man is here! Where is everybody? What's with all the blood? (walks back, whistling)
:'''Andy Parsons''': Catwoman, what did I tell you about not shitting in next door's garden?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am Big Society Man. I could do it for you, but I'd rather you do it for yourself.
:'''Chris Addison''': Prepare to meet a new breed of sex change superhero in "The Ex-Men"!
:'''Ava Vidal''': Yes, I do believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100 mil.
:'''Stewart Francis''': I am Parking Review Man! (Hugh Dennis walks behind him) Where's my check?
:'''Chris Addison''': Wow, Iron Man, how did you get all the creases out?
:'''Seann Walsh''': Uh, just call the police.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Well if you don't know that, what the hell are you doing in air traffic control?!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What use is a spider web against me, Duster Man and Hoover Boy?
:'''Chris Addison''': Hello! I'm Batman Biggins! [Said as an impersonation of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Biggins Christopher Biggins]].
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm sexist, I'm racist, and I drive like an arsehole. I am White Van Man!
:'''Stewart Francis''': Should I – Do I – Should I Do -
:'''Dara O Briain''': Yeah, yeah, you're doing it.
:'''Stewart Francis''': This is part of it!
:'''Dara O Briain''': Oh, shit.

==== Unlikely Things For A Continuity Announcer To Say ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now to upset children everywhere, it's [[w:Peppa Pig|Peppa Pig]]... in pepper sauce.
:'''Chris Addison''': Oh God, oh, Oh God, oh, oh--- and Nigella will be back at the same time next week.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Up next, Ryan Giggs appears on "Footballers' Wives".
:'''Andy Parsons''': Up next on Channel 4, Live from Switzerland, it's "Come Die With Me".
:'''Seann Walsh''': And now for a special episode of "Planet Earth" where six chimpanzees will watch David Attenbourough have sex.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Now is the time I have to be extremely careful, 'cause the next program is about Roald Dahl, genius behind Willy Wanker's choc- bollocks.
:'''Ava Vidal''': Next on the History Channel, "World War II In Color". Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Just to clear up some confusion for our regular viewers, ITV2+1 is not the same as ITV3.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': First though, there's a serial killer on the loose... in "[[w:Balamory|Balamory]]".
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you've been affected by some of the issues in "[[w:Eastenders|Eastenders]]", they must have been acting it better than they usually do.
:'''Seann Walsh''': And now, "Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" for the hard of hearing. (makes obscene hand gestures)
:'''Chris Addison''': You're watching The Dignitas Channel. For God's sake, don't press the red button!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Next up, it's "Bargain Hunt", which is also rhyming slang for the bloke who presents it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Right now, Kate Humble's in the lambing shed. (groans)

=== 30 June 2011 [10.04] ===
==== Headliners: Michael Gove (G. T. O. T.) ====
:'''Chris Addiosn''': Is he in fact making a potion becuase he thinks he's Harry Potter? Is it "'''G'''overnment '''T'''roubles: '''O'''bliviate '''T'''ortato!"?
:'''Alun Cochrane''': "'''G'''addafi's '''T'''errified '''O'''f '''T'''his".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it what they realized what would happen to the photograph and it's simply "'''G'''ove '''T''wat '''O'''n '''T'''elly"?
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Is it teachers will be doing if they go on strike: '''G'''in and '''T'''onic '''O'''n '''T'''errace?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Or is nothing to do with teachers? Is it "'''G'''reat '''T'''ennis '''O'''n '''T'''elly"?
:'''Milton Jones''': Some asked him what he's doing at the weekend, and he says, "'''G'''o '''T'''o '''O'''strich '''T'''own."
:'''Andy Parsons''': I think I know what it is. Is it "'''G'''ollum '''T'''ugs '''O'''ver '''T'''esttube"?
*:''[Answer: Gove Tough On Teachers.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "15 Minutes" ====
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Is it "How long is it into this episode will the average viewer of ''Mock The Week'' realize I'm not the guy off the BT adverts?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "When will Greece run out of money?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it how long my grandma's ashes lasted when stored next to the chocolate milk powder?
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Is it "Since birth, how long has Boris Johnson spent on his appearance?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How long does the average British women's Wimbledon fortnight last?"
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it the longest someone should be allowed to tell you about their Gap via travels?
:'''Hugh Dennis''' Is it "How long does it take to write ''The Daily Star''?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it the gap between this word...
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Is it how long you'd have to hold Jedward underwater just to make sure?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "When he's out in the open, what is the life expectancy of Colonel Gaddafi?"
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Is it "What's a quarter of an hour?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "If you've been driving for 23 hours and 45 minutes, how far would you be from Tulsa?"
*:''[Answer: How long it took for the second round of Olympic tickets to start selling out.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Agony Aunt Letters ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear Deidre, I have recently become obsessed with a woman and began stalking her. Look out of the window.
:'''Andy Parsons''': My partner won't give me oral sex, which is really annoying, because that's the only reason I formed a coalition with him in the first place.
:'''Milton Jones''': My wife says I don't feel anything, which is a problem, cause there was something else... oh, yes, I'm on fire.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': I'm 26, my girlfriend's 36. Is 10 years too big an age gap? Cause her daughter's 16, she's a right little sauce.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I have recently met a woman who makes me feel young again. She's 167.
:'''Alun Cochrane''': (in Nigerian accent) Dear Deidre, I'm from Nigeria and I'm fed up of Micky Flanagan mocking my accent!
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Dear Auntie, I'm a nervous person and sudden noises really startle me. In fact, even if I hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (buzz)
:'''Andy Parsons''': My mates are getting into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them the mates rate or just normal prices?
:'''Milton Jones''': Dear Deidre, I am a control freak. What should I do? I'll tell you what I should do.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am 96, but I am convinced young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. Could you tell us please how to get out of position 43 of the Kama Sutra?
:'''Alun Cochrane''': I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really, really, really worried about my pension!

==== Unlikely Things To Hear At Wimbledon ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, at two sets down, let's see what he's got in his locker. He's not gonna be there for 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar...
:'''Andy Parsons''': Serena Williams has been seeded... you gotta admire the bravery of that bloke.
:'''Milton Jones''': Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, [[w:Chewbacca|Chew Barker]].
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, they say that the All-England Club is a bit behind the times, and that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for stealing a strawberry.
:'''Milton Jones''': I am a tennis umpire, and gay, and it wasn't easy to come OUT!
:'''Alun Cochrane''': What a fantastic slice, but I do think the All-England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year.
:'''Zoe Lyons''': FUCK OFF, TIM!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, how did the umpire get up there? (in German accent) I think he used the stepladder.
:'''Milton Jones''': Of course this year, the British players play a lot better. If we look at the graph here, we see huge biceps and an angry – sorry, Steffi, wrong graph.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you can see there in that glass of Pims is fruit.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Andy Murray here, and Andy Murray not going to be able to make it here today, but we do have his cab driver on the other line. Can you tell us what's occured? (in East London accent) I couldn't get out the turnin'!
:'''Alun Cochrane''': And the mound has taken a pounding in the last four nights, and I think the All-England Club is fine with it as long as it doesn't affect the tennis.

=== 7 July 2011 [10.05] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Questions From This Year's Exams ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem: "My friend Billy has a 10 foot willy."
:'''Ed Byrne''': Would you like this exam to be A: multiple choice, or not?
:'''Jack Whitehall''': The Bronte sisters: Shag, marry, push over a cliff?
:'''Milton Jones''': Discuss the following: The Nazis got all their ideas from the History Channel.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Who's the chap in "The A-Team" who wouldn't go in the airplane? Is it A.B. or B.A.?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If a bank loses 60 billion pounds in a 6-month period, using numbers that you've plucked out of thin air, work out what the chief executive's bonus will be.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Napoleon: A small man or a long way away?
:'''Milton Jones''': Quantify N in terms of Q if Q a positive integer that bisects a parabolic curve. ''[mockingly]'' How's your lucky pencil case now? Eh?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': What's the name of that round thing they throw in the Olympics? Discus.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Poetry: Is it all a bit gay?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Draw a diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant. Use all 30 sheets of paper provided.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Explain the use of juxtaposition in "Macbeth". Alternatively, write down anything you know about "Macbeth" in a blind panic, cause you've got no idea what the word "juxtaposition" is.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': Drama, Question 1: What was it that first made you want to become a waiter?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What is your PIN number?

==== Unlikely Things To Read On A Motorway Sign ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': To Middlebrough: Take the exit marked "Hell" and then lose the will to live.
:'''Milton Jones''': Accident: You were one. Love, Mom and Dad.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': When lights flash, dogging is about to start.
:'''Ed Byrne''': There may be trouble ahead. Prepare to face music and dance.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': You are now 200 meters beyond the junction that your piece of shit Sat Nav tells you you're approaching now.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': For those of you looking for more safety tips, text now.
:'''Milton Jones''': Beware, giant scissors coming towards you on the dotted lines.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Turn on lights in tunnel. They're on the right, just above the entrance.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Turn off the Sat Nav. Use the force, Luke.
:'''Jack Whitehall''': The North: Where the men are real men, and so are a lot of the women.
:'''Ed Byrne''': If you can taste this sign, that means you've crashed into it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Throw banana peel behind car now. Super Mario and Diddy Kong approaching from rear.
:'''Milton Jones''': There was a young man from Preston who tried to drive to Heston. The sign wouldn't rhyme, and he plowed into the back of a juggernaut.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Pick us up a pint of milk, too. Love, Trent.
<!--
=== 14 July 2011 [10.06] ===
-->

== Season 11 ==
=== 7 September 2011 [11.01] ===
==== Headliners: David Cameron (C. A. T. L) ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Has he gone really street? Is he going "'''C'''uts '''A'''nd '''T'''ings, Lad"?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it "'''C'''&'''A''' '''T'''otally '''L'''ooted"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact a lot fo the stores that were looted that Cameron has never set foot in in his life: '''C'''ostcutter, '''A'''rgos, '''T'''esco's, '''L'''idl?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''C'''ameron '''A'''ttempts '''T'''it '''L'''unge"?
:'''Stewart Francis''': It looks he's he's dancing, is it "'''C'''ameron '''A'''ttempts '''T'''he '''L'''ambada"?
:'''Nathan Caton''': Is it "'''C'''ameron's '''A''' '''T'''osser. '''L'''OL"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Or is it much simpler, he's in a supermarket, "'''C'''arrots '''A'''nd '''T'''ums, '''L'''ovely!"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it actually more simple? Is it more simple? Is it "'''C'''ouldn't '''A'''rrange A '''T'''urd In A '''L'''avatory"?
*:''[Answer: Cameron Advocates Tough Love.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "7" ====
:'''Nathan Caton''': How many coffee breaks can Usian Bolt have during the 200 meters and still win comfortably?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it the age I was when I lost my virginity? That goes out to you, Father Sharkey!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "If he's in a hurry, what does James Bond say his number is?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What should never come after the word 'Harper' to form a  girl's name?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What is the maximum number of legs a spider can have and still qualify for the Paralympics?"
:'''Nathan Caton''': Is it "How many million people are hoping Beyonce's baby looks more like her and less like Jay-Z?"
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it the number of times Ashley Cole's gonna have to cheat on Cheryl before she finally tells him to fuck off?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it "How many penises are under this desk right now?"
*:'''Chris Addison''': I have to disappoint you...
*:''[Answer: The number of medals won by Britain and North Ireland in the International Athletics Competition.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From Children's Books ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Yes it is sad. I used to be on 'Top Gear'," said Stig of the Dump.
:'''Stewart Francis''': (acting startled) Jack, do you have any more of those beans?
:'''Chris Addison''': A Stringfellow? What's a Stringfellow? A Stringfellow, why didn't you know, it has tanned leather skin, and a massive libido, and bad 80s hair, and a grin like a pedo!
:'''Andy Parsons''': This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, and this little piggy went (coughs) and died horribly of swine flu.
:'''Nathan Caton''': Let's learn the alphabet. A is for "adopted", like you. B is for (sticks his hand out) "Basmati".
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And as Eeyore put the noose around his neck...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, I don't think you should shave, Bilbo," said Frodo. "Those feet need waxing!"
:'''Nathan Caton''': "Yes, yes, grandma, what a big screen TV you got," said Little Red Riding Hoody.
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" said Daddy Bear. "Well," said Mummy Bear, "It's been your brother Ryan, and he's a much better shag than ''you'' are."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "I want to go to Tottenham," said Max. "That's where the wild things are."
:'''Andy Parsons''': "The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe, or as we like to call them, The Sugababes."
:'''Stewart Francis''': Once upon a time in a magical land far away, there was a handsome young prince named Dara.
:'''Chris Addison''': Wheeeeeeere's Gaddafi?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The Railway Children gesticulated wildly at the driver, "You've left us behind, you wanker!"
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Oh dear," said Postman Pat. "I've just had sex with my cat, Jess. I should've gone to Specsavers."
:'''Micky Flanagan''': So Emily learned; if she had been a nicer little girl, mummy and daddy would have never got divorced.
:'''Chris Addison''': "You know what?" said the very hungry caterpillar. "This gastric band has changed my life."

==== Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say ====
:'''Stewart Francis''': And there's just yet another Grand Slam victory for Andy Murray.
:'''Nathan Caton''': And now we come to the javelin. If you're watching in 3D, you might want to look away now.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And here we are with the women's football. But while you're enjoying the game, please spare a thought for all the men at home who are going without dinner this evening.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, he's stroked back through the covers. Surely, it just would have been easier just to pull back the duvet.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And here at the British Grand Prix, we've already had a couple fatalities. Yes, two of the crowd have already died of boredom.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Lewis Hamilton is 3 seconds ahead, but there's trouble at Turn 17 as [[w:Wacky Races|Dastardly and Muttley have dug a pit.]]
:'''Nathan Caton''': I'm here at the Green Court Bowls, and I've started cutting myself.
:'''Chris Addison''': He's got the right hook in, he's got the left hook in, and he's finally finished putting those curtains.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, welcome back after the break. You haven't missed much, just the entire Indian innings. (applause)
:'''Stewart Francis''': Now let's go back to Henley where Claire Balding is standing with two cocks.
:'''Chris Addison''': There's Rio Ferdinand, what a tackle! But, uh, enough from me, I really should let these lads continue getting changed.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Alex Ferguson has substituted Wayne Rooney. Of course, not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69-year old.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, what a result. The UK's Somalian has beaten the America's Kenyan to show that the Africans aren't going to have it all their own way.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Thanks for all those fantastic statistics there, Motty. Now go and get a fucking life.

=== 14 September 2011 [11.02] ===
==== Headliners: George Osbourne (C. F. I. P.) ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it just a list of things that will be affected by the cuts? Is it '''C'''hildren, '''F'''amilies, '''I'''ndustry... (pause) '''P'''eople?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in face his security codename: '''C'''harlie '''F'''oxtrot '''I'''rritating '''P'''rick?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''C'''hipalotta '''F'''ound '''I'''n '''P'''ocket"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it a recipe that he's just cooking that night? Is it '''C'''aviar And '''F'''ig-'''I'''nfused '''P'''artridge?
:'''Ava Vidal''': Is it "'''C'''ops '''F'''ind '''i'''Phone '''P'''ervert"?
:'''Miles Jupp''': I reckon it must be "'''C'''lever '''F'''ellow '''I'''n '''P'''rimsoles".
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Is he just pointing what he's going through which is what everyone goes through when they jog, it's '''C'''lammy '''F'''orehead, '''I'''tchy '''P'''rivates?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it all part of his health regime? Is it "'''C'''hancellor's '''F'''inger '''I'''nspects '''P'''rostate"?
:'''Chris Addison''': It is "'''C'''hancellor '''F'''lees '''I'''mmense '''P'''igeon".
*:''[Answer: Chancellor Facing Increasing Pressure.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "6 1/2 Weeks" ====
:'''Miles Jupp''': How do you express 45 1/2 days in weeks?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How long until Wayne Rooney realizes they've cellotaped a hamster to his head?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How early do my parents get to the airport just in case?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What is the age of Lidl whiskey?"
:'''Ava Vidal''': Is it "How long do we get to enjoy retirement before we die under new pension rules?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What is the time between Kerry Katona earning a massive amount of money and declaring herself bankrupt again?"
:'''Carl Donnelly''': What was the previous British 10,000 meter record before Mo Farah came along?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How long in the average year does Queen Elizabeth try to train her Corgis to ride in a motorcycle pyramid?"
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "How long is Doctor Who's tadure?"
:'''Dara O Briain''': Okay, does anyone have the correct answer?
:'''Chris Addison''': Yes. It's "After what length of delay will Easyjet give you a fifty quid voucher?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it what the teacher said after a boy called Weeks got 6 1/2... (wild laughter)
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How much of the last five years does Charlie Sheen remember?"
*:''[Answer: The length of the Rugby World Cup.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From A Horror Film ====
:'''Ava Vidal''': He's got a flat-screen TV and brand new trainers? I know what you did last summer.
:'''Andy Parsons''': AAH! AAH! I'm sorry, it's just you look nothing like your photo in match.com.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is anybody there? Can you hear me? Is anybody there? It's the Chris O'Connelly Breakfast Show!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': (moans) That was mayor Boris Johnson with his official statement on the riots.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You seen the traffic? It's a nightmare on Elm Street.
:'''Chris Addison''': And now Louis Bennett's long-awaited remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre": "The Nuntwitch Leafblower Kerfuffle".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What do you want? What do you want? No! I'm not paying too much for my car insurance!
:'''Ava Vidal''': I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. (makes slurping noises) So I gave Mark's dinner party an 8!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Do you like scary movies, Sidney? Oh, oh, sorry. Is Sidney there, please?
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you don't keep up payments to your exorcist, there's a chance your home might be repossessed.
:'''Chris Addison''': Ha! Joke's on you Dracula. I've got AIDS.
:'''Miles Jupp''': I ate his liver with some jelly beans and a nice Umbongo.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I've seen the ring! I wish that builder would pull his trousers up!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I don't have to listen to you, you're just a puppet. If you don't shut up, I'm gonna put you back in your box... Mr. Clegg.
:'''Miles Jupp''': I'm afraid he's been bitten by... George Michael. He's turned into a Wham-pire.

==== Commercials That Never Made It To Air ====
:'''Miles Jupp''': Have you got a [[w:WKD|wicked]] side? Then you're a prick!
:'''Chris Addison''': Take two bottles into the shower? Not anymore, I've got a proper dildo.
:'''Andy Parsons''': JB Sports: two thousand looters can't be wrong.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do you suffer from dull, lifeless hair? Don't worry, Andy Parsons will buy it off you.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': With ABS, Sat Nav, and air bags, this may be the most advanced condom you'll ever buy.
:'''Andy Parsons''': How much did you say you earned for those Direct Line car insurance adverts? (buzz) Well, people deserve to hear about this! Honk, honk, honk, honk!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dara O Briain: We work, so he doesn't have to.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Cash for Cash: Send us your cash in an envelope, and we'll send it back, minus commision.
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Every year, thousands of bears are captured, tortured, and forced to dance in front of crowds of cheering people. Call 0845 now for ticket hotlines.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Ash for Cash: Put your cremated relatives in an envelope... (buzz)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Got that bloated feeling? My uncle had that, he was dead in a week.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Smash for Cash: Put in mashed potatoes in an envelope... (buzz)
:'''Ava Vidal''': Don't just book it, Thomas Cook it. Dignitas in Switzerland.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Why have we got barbecues at low, low prices? Because the summer's been shit and no one's bought them!
:'''Miles Jupp''': At The Dogs' Trust, we never put down a healthy dog. But the minute one coughs, it's in the Thames.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do you suffer from unslightly chest hair? Should've gone to Pecshavers.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Lynx: Come on virgins, wash your cocks.
:'''Andy Parsons''': (looks at the panel, then Dara, shrugs, and walks back)

=== 21 September 2011 [11.03] ===
==== Headliners: The Lib-Dem Leaders (C. R. C. T.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it, uh, "'''C'''able '''R'''eaches '''C'''entenary '''T'''oday"?
:'''Chris Addison''': "'''C'''able '''R'''emembers '''C'''rimea In '''T'''rafalgar".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': He's got his finger pointing at Clegg, is it "'''C'''able '''R'''eveals '''C'''ollaborator, '''T'''ada!"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''C'''legg '''R'''egrets '''C'''ouples '''T'''herapy"?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it what happened next? Is it "'''C'''able '''R'''eaches & '''C'''aresses '''T'''enderly"?
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "'''C'''able '''R'''esembles '''C'''rinkly '''T'''esticle"?
:'''Simon Evans''': Could it be "'''C'''an't '''R'''emember '''C'''hoosing '''T'''hem"? (applause)
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''C'''able '''R'''ealizes '''C'''legg's A '''T'''ory"? (cheering and applause)
*:'''Micky Flanagan''': I think "'''T'''osser" would have gotten a bigger... Go have a crack at that one! (wild applause) You make it political, I'll make it funny.
*:''[Answer: Coalition Reveals Conference Tensions.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "328 Billion" ====
:'''Simon Evans''': Is it "Measured in pounds, how fat is yo mama?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': How many items do you get free if you buy one at Lidl?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many trailers have there been for ''Downton Abbey''?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''':  Is it "According to the ''Daily Mail'', how many travelers are there at Dalefarm?"
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "How many press-ups would I have to do to fit into one of Chris Addison's shirts?"
*:'''Chris Addison''': You'd have to do more than that, big fella.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many troops does president Gaddafi say are still loyal to him?"
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it the number of pieces you get in a box when you buy a wardrobe from Ikea?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many points does Silvio Berlusconi have on his brothel Nectar card?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How many missed calls from Zara were on Mike Tindl's answer phone?"
*''[Answer: Greece's total debt, in Euros.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear In A Police Station ====
:'''Micky Flanagan''': 'Ere, sarge, the microwave's broken again. Taser that meat pie for me, will ya?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I know it's unlikely, but has anyone turned in Colonel Gaddhafi yet?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I noticed the burglar making his escape. At this moment, I cursed the police budget cuts and gave chase, shouting "Neenar, neenar, neenar."
:'''Chris Addison''': All units be on the lookout for a purple Renault Clio, registration number Saffron Doily Tutu Vangelis Chrysanthemum Hi-Ya!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, we didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge, but the good news is I got some Lucky Heather.
:'''Andy Parsons''': No, I've not come to report a crime. It's just that I really miss "The Bill" so I thought I'd pop in for an hour.
:'''Micky Flangan''': Ere, Sarge, pass us the Arts section out of "The Guardian", would you, mate?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I know how identity parade works. That's her! That's her! That's the woman I robbed!
:'''Greg Davies''': Listen up, we got a new man starting today. He's half man, half horse: he's Inspector Morse.
:'''Simon Evans''': Uh yes, our new 50 inch plasma screen TV, it is rather nice, isn't it? Well, if you can't beat 'em, eh...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I am charging you with the murder of Mrs. Thompson. That'll be 7-pounds-nineteen, please.
:'''Greg Davies''': Listen up, there's a giant fly attacking the station. I've already called the SWAT team.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Thank God you've arrived, officer! Some bloke just jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself 14 times!
:'''Chris Addison''': Yeah, we got the Tocks report back. Turns out they go straight after the Ticks.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': I was about to arrest her, Sarge, but to be honest, my bottle went, because she shouted out "I put a curse upon you! I put a curse upon you!"

==== Unlikely Things To Hear In A Science Documentary ====
:'''Chris Addison''': After cloning Ian Wright, we now know that two Ian Wrights don't make an Ian Wrong.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Erectile dysfunction: physical problem or has the wife let herself go a little bit?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, now this is incredible! This is a whole new species of miniature tiger! Oh no, hang on, it's a cat.
:'''Simon Evans''': Ahem. Now pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit!
:'''Chris Addison''': We discovered the source of the quark: It's the sound made by a posh duck.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is a red dwarf. His name is Antony Waroll-Thompson.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to "The Sky At Night", and if we look out – oh hell, Croydon's on fire!
:'''Chris Addison''': Despite getting a very bad press, biological weapons work at much lower temperatures than nonbiological weapons.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Without penicillin, well I'd still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Tonight, we look at the ginger community. (waits for the laughter to die down) Physical anomaly or God's cruel joke?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Ah, the Northern Lights. Oh, no, Manchester's on fire.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But will they find a cure in time? The last hope for mankind lies with scientist here at the Laboratoir Gurnie.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Tonight on "Show Me The Evidence", we look at the traveler community. (wild laughter) Can they really put a curse on you?
:'''Greg Davies''': And as the sperm swims towards the egg, it's hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast.

=== 28 September 2011 [11.04] ===
==== Headliners: Ed Ball And Ed Miliband (L. A. P. M.) ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''L'''ook, '''A''' '''P'''air Of '''M'''uppets"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact every train traveler's nightmare? Is it "'''L'''ardy '''A'''rse And '''P'''rat On '''M'''obile"?
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it "'''L'''overs '''A'''void '''P'''ublic '''M'''eeting"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Miliband's thinking "'''L'''abour '''A'''ctually '''P'''icked '''''M'''e''?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Or is Miliband making his most important decision to date: '''L'''arge '''A'''merican, '''P'''epperoni, '''M'''argarita?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it just the state of the Labour Party in general? Is it just "'''L'''umbering '''A'''long '''P'''retty '''M'''iserably"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''L'''inda '''A'''nd '''P'''aul '''M'''cCartney"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''L'''ast '''A'''dministration '''P'''issed '''M'''oney"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it simply "'''L'''engthy '''A'''rticle '''P'''erplexes '''M'''oron"?
*:''[Answer: Labour Admits Past Mistakes.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "12 Years" ====
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it how many years WKD has to be in oak barrels before it's served?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How long will it take to get out fo the Olympic Car Park afterwards?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What's the record for being lost in an Ikea?"
:'''Chris Addison''': What is the radioactive half-life of Cillit Bang?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How long does it takes to sun-dry a tomato in Glasgow?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': How long does a minute in Jeremy Clarkson's company feel like?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What did the group The Four Seasons temporarily rename themselves after they experimented with 44 extra members?"
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it the average age of retirement for a cagefighter in Preston?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How long can I hum for?" (hums)
:'''Dara O Briain''': No. No, it is not that. Okay, let's lean towards the correct answer.
:'''Chris Addison''': It's "How long does it take to piss out one of those big Cokes you get in the cinema?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "If someone was half my age, how old would they be?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How old do you have to be to think Dappy from N-Dubs is a musical genius?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': And finally, what age does Gary Glitter consider borderline? It had to be done!
*:''[Answer: The length of Vladimir Putin's next term.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Bad Things To Say In A Job Interview ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': When I said I was a Yale student, I studied key cutting at Mr. Minits.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Why do I- we- I- we- I- we- want this job? Don't tell him – I have to.
:'''Chris Addison''': No, no, no, no, no. I ''applaud'' your policy of positive discrimination, and that's ''why'' I blacked up.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Um, can I just check? This office is more than 50 meters from the school?
:'''Ed Byrne''': What do you mean no experience? If being abducted by aliens isn't an experience, I don't know what is.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, yes, I would make the perfect train driver. I'm always late and I (crying) break down real easily!
:'''Milton Jones''': I think I'd make a good diplomat. I'd like to live in Paris with all the other parasites.
:'''Andy Parsons''': What do I see myself doing in five years time? Exactly the same, only on Dave! (the rest of the panel applauds)
:'''Chris Addison''': Thank you for seeing me. I hope you don't mind if I stay sitting down, I've got a little erection bubbling away.
:'''Ed Byrne''': (pretending his hand is Emu) No, Emu! No, Emu! No! No! No!
:'''Holly Walsh''': What can I bring to this job? How bout the photocopier from the last office?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, well I'm... in spite of my medical experience, I still think of gynecology as a calling.
:'''Andy Parsons''': What are my weaknesses? Fat birds.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A Consumer Programme ====
:'''Chris Addison''': This week on "Watchdog", another shower of gullible twats ask us to make sense of their piss-poor decision making.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to "Watchdog". Here's a dog. (walks back)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But when he asked the cold callers for their identification, they shot Mr. Bin Laden with an AK-47.
:'''Milton Jones''': I would like to complain about the boomerang I bought. I threw it, but it never came back! (pretends he just got hit with it)
:'''Ed Byrne''': This week, we investigate bikini waxing strips. Are they just a rip-off?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Tonight, we'll be investigating fencing and why I got tickets for that instead of the 100 meters final, which is what I wanted.
:'''Chris Addison''': Many of you who have bought Death Stars have e-mailed us complaining about a problem involving one of the exhaust vents.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Although Austin the Butcher claims that his sausages are made of premium meat, we can reveal that's bollocks.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The cruise had a 1940s feel, and Tom and Vera were delighted until they were sunk by a U-Boat in the water...
:'''Ed Byrne''': Yeah, I didn't ask for it, didn't order it, and didn't even want it, and it doesn't even work. We have some more views on the Coalition after the break.
:'''Chris Addison''': What was sold as a vibrator is clearly just a taser with a stale sausage attached to it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But something was wrong with the car. The clock said 63,000 miles while the milometer said quarter past three.
:'''Milton Jones''': I would like to complain about the sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. There are not as big portions going round on the conveyor belt, but they do taste luggage-y.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Dear "Watchdog", I'm extremely pissed off with this product. I bought Just For Men, my wife used it, and now I am gay.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Identity theft is on the increase. I'm Dara O Briain. (buzz) We work, so he doesn't have to. (buzz)

=== 5 October 2011 [11.05] ===
==== Headliners David Cameron With Colleauges (C. A. F. S.) ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it, uh, George Osbourne's middle names: '''C'''repowski '''A'''ddendum '''F'''andango '''S'''ousaphone?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''C'''ouldn't '''A'''rrange A '''F'''ondle In A '''S'''trip Club"?
:'''Ed Byrne''': '''C'''ocky, '''A'''ristocratic, '''F'''oppish, and '''S'''mug.
:'''Adam Hills''': Could it be '' '''C'''harlie's '''A'''ngels'', the '''F'''ailed '''S'''equel?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''C'''ruising '''A'''rea '''F'''or '''S'''ex"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact, from left to right, '''C'''lueless, '''A'''lbino '''F'''ace, '''S'''laphead?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is Cameron simply saying "'''C'''rikey, '''A''' '''F'''ox! '''Splendid"?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Written all over the toilets here, is it "'''C'''hris '''A'''ddison '''F'''ancies '''S'''tewart"?
*:''[Answer: Cameron Apologises For Sexism.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "10" ====
:'''Adam Hills''': Is it "How many times does Shane Ward have to say the sentence 'No, really, I'm engaged to Liz Hurley' before people believe it?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many days are there in the Greek tax year?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "In what year was Jesus ten?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it the age loverboy Dara first lost his hair?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What is a cruel name to give your child if your surname is Pinbowling?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How many words has Zara Phillips said to Mike Tindel since touching down in New Zealand?"
:'''Chris Addison''': How many members of the House of Lords claimed for leaping duties on the tenth day of Christmas last year?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What is a cruel name to give your child if your surname is Snervousheadache?"
:'''Adam Hills''': Is it "How many people will be on Bournemouth Beach ''next'' weekend?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it the number of stolen donuts I can put on my penis?
:'''Ed Byrne''': What number sounds the most dramatic if you just say it three times? "Ten Ten Ten!"
:'''Dara O Briain''': Okay, can I have the correct answer, please?
:'''Ed Byrne''': What force gale comes out of Eric Pickles on curry Thursday?
:'''Andy Parsons''': How many years before David Walliams will get the taste of sewage out of his mouth?
:'''Chris Addison''': How many shredded wheat constitute a lethal overdose?
:'''Dara O Briain''': How about "How often do I have to ask you to gimme the correct answer first?"
*:''[Answer: The number of MPH the government is looking to increase the speed limit by.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Instructions ====
:'''Ed Byrne''': Please do not use this electrical appliance while you're in the bath. Actually, you know what? Go on. If you're that dumb, I think we can afford to lose you.
:'''Chris Addison''': Nick Clegg Feng Shui: Move everything to the right for an easier life.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Pot Noodle: For best results, put back on the shelf.
:'''Adam Hills''': If pain persists, see a doctor. Just make sure it's not Michael Jackson's doctor.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To light gas, first place match near buttocks.
:'''Andy Parsons''': One of these condoms has got a hole in it. Are you feeling lucky, punk?
:'''Adam Hills''': Dale Farm Yoghurt: Contents may settle.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Please retain these assembly instructions in case you wanna disassemble the furniture when you realize moving in with her wasn't the best move after all.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Instructions for sandwich toaster. Week 1: Eat nothing but toasted sandwiches. Week 2: Put in cupboard and never use again.
:'''Chris Addison''': If unsure how to apply condom, take banana and beat erection with it 'til it goes away.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Enjoy your animal-shaped biscuits. Do not eat if seal is broken.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': To reboot, pick up boots and put them on again.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Congratulations on your new breadmaker. Ooh, I bet Kingsmill are quaking in their boots.
:'''Chris Addison''': Game is over either when one player collects all cheeses or Daddy has a tantrum and kicks the board across the room.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Are your hands full but you wanna transfer 10 donuts?

==== Unlikely Things To Hear In A Restaurant ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Let's skip the pudding. You look like you've had enough already.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Wow, thanks for picking up the bill, Dara.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, I'm sorry, we don't have snail porridge. No, this isn't owned by Heston Blumenfall. This is Heston services.
:'''Ed Byrne''': How does crispy, aromatic duck sound? Quack quack, but that was before it was either crispy or aromatic.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do I have a reservation? Well, I'm not sure about all these Polish people moving out of here.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in a high voice) Table for two, please, but no food. I'm a wood worm.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is a traditional Greek restaurant, so don't worry if you won't pay. The German government will cover it.
:'''Adam Hills''': You'd like a Foster's? Hang on, I'll see if we got any left. Barry, any Foster's left? (turns around, acting as if he's urinating into something) Yeah, keg's nearly full, Jim.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Here's the tip. If you find the rest of the chef's penis, please let us know.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Have you been to a Harvester? I'm just kidding, no one comes twice.
:'''Stewart Francis''': It's nice to see the rugby players get along with the dwarves.
:'''Chris Addison''': That's an unusual taste, isn't it? What – what is in this death by choco- (falls onto the floor)
:'''Stewart Francis''': It's nice to see Zara and Mike get along.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, it is all you can eat night, and that's why you can't come in, Mr. Pickles.
:'''Chris Addison''': Oh my god! There's a man's face in my soup and it looks just like me.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Excellent choice, sir. This lady is much fitter than your wife.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hmm? Rose for the lady? You wanna do something for the lady, why don't you fuck off?

=== 12 October 2011 [11.06] ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Read In The Bible ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And lo, they finally saw the sign that God had promised: "You are now leaving Swindon."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But when they got there, the tomb was empty. "Rikes!" said Scooby.
:'''Chris Addison''': Soddom and Gorromorah. Twinned with Tyne and Wear.
:'''Milton Jones''' And the children of Isreal wandered around the desert for 40 years, until Moses' wife eventually said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or..."
:'''Andi Osho''': And Eve did realise that she was naked and she was ashamed. But then Gok Wan said "Look, work it baby, you look amazing!"
:'''Miles Jupp''': And Noah said, "If it keeps on raining like this, we're gonna have to eat the unicorns."
:'''Andy Parsons''': Moses saw the burning bush and said to his wife, "I think you've overdone that bikini wax again."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And David smote Goliath. He meant to smack him, but he was using predictive text.
:'''Milton Jones''': Eve! Eve! Use fig leaves, not nettles.
:'''Chris Addison''': And the lord said, "Shit, I've made a wasp!" (pretends to try to swat a wasp)
:'''Andy Parsons''': And Jesus saw a traveller in distress and said unto him, "Well, why don't you leave Dalefarm and find somewhere else to live?"
:'''Milton Jones''': And the lord said to Gideon, "Take [[w:Gideon Bible|this book]] and place it in every Travelodge."
:'''Andi Osho''': Listen, this is really awkward. I know the queue, but I'm not a really big fan of fish.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': There were only five loaves and two fishes. Never go to Lidl on a Saturday night.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A Makeover Show ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Welcome to "What Not To Wear". A welly on your cock.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This week's "Look Good Naked" starring Edwina Currie is the last in the series and was recorded shortly before Gok Wan's suicide.
:'''Milton Jones''': Well, we've started off by ripping up all the decking. Abandon ship!
:'''Miles Jupp''': We are going to give you back all of your confidence and your dignity as soon as we Hoover the fat out of your ass.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Gisele has got jowls, false teeth, and in fact, a mustache. But unfortunately, we're here to do her front room, not her face.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': David and Jane wanted more space, so we've repossessed their house and are now living in the park.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, we've pebble dashed, replastered and put new plumbing in downstairs, and now Anne Robinson is good as new!
:'''Andi Osho''': Welcome to "60 Minute Make-" Ooh, babe, that's gonna take a lot longer.
:'''Milton Jones''': You want to look better looking and increase your self-esteem? Move to Leeds.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And today on "Property Ladder", we're gonna show you how to break into a property using a ladder.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You're obviously very senstitive about your weight and shouldn't be. You mind if I call you "lard-ass"?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Well, Ian wanted a Rennassience look, so I've jsut set fire to a Catholic and taken a shit out the window.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Talking of decking, he wants to punch Nick Knowles in the face.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Today on "10 Years Younger", we're going to take 9-year old Amy and and try to squeeze her back up her mother's womb.

=== 2011 Christmas Special ===
==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear At Christmas ====
:'''Milton Jones''': I'm afraid Granddad's dead. He fell into a bowl of Christmas cake mix. Sound unlikely, but you see, under the surface, there's very storng currants.
:'''Chris Addison''': Time to drain the 25th vegetable in our Advent colander!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Bad news, son. Santa's just sent a text. Apparently, he won't be able to make it until after the sales have started.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Your mother has always wanted to be somewhere hot for Christmas, so I've chained her to the Aga (a form of cooking range).
:'''Ava Vidal''': Santa's deliveries were much quicker this year because he didn't have to deliver to the naughty chidlren of Tottenham and Croydon!
:'''Miles Jupp''': Oh, this is embarrasing, dear. The smaller set of underwear is actually for my secretary.
:'''Chris Addison''': I'm afraid Santa wasn't able to bring you a toy train, so he's brought you a toy replacement service.
:'''Milton Jones''': No, mum, there are just flattened pieces of cardboard. This is just an Ex-box.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, no, the Wii is yours, not Granny's.
:'''Ava Vidal''': No, grandad, you kiss under the mistletoe, not the camel toe!
:'''Miles Jupp''': I haven't got you a present because daddy promised you'd be dead.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Either we've been burgled or all Daddy left us for Christmas is a big poo in the middle of the carpet.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I got the Christmas presents early this year. I looted them in August.
:'''Chris Addison''': We're turning the Christmas lights on in March. They're energy saving bulbs, they should be up by September.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I've rubbed goose fat on these, so if you'd put your bra back on, Gran, you won't have to worry about the cold anymore.
:'''Milton Jones''' (pretends to flick something) That's a jumbo sausage roll, isn't it? That means I've eaten the Wii controller.
:'''Miles Jupp''': You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town, and he's had an incredibly long drive. The last thing he needs is any shit off you two!

=== Sport Relief Special, 17 March 2012 ===
==== Unlikely Things To Hear In A TV Charity Show ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up is a short and rather harrowing film about hunger in the Third World, so this is probably a good opportunity to nip out and make yourself a sandwich.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We've been digging a well because it's essential that these people have somewhere to throw coins and make a wish.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Of course, chronic diarrhoea is one of the worst diseases that these children, children like Jenny--- Oh for God's sakes, those shoes!
:'''Stewart Francis''': I'm – I'm here--- (gags) I'm here with David Walliams--- (gags) just swam the River Ganges--- (gags) don't touch me, don't touch me.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Please give generously. Otherwise, I'm gonna poke Pudsey his the other eye.
:'''Chris Addison''': We desperately need your money to help starving people. And now, in a slightly insensitive segue, let's take a look at footage of people getting into baths of baked beans.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Of course, Britain is full of underprivilged children with no hope and nowhere to go, and the government doesn't have enough money to send them all to war.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We sent Chris Moyles to Africa. Unfortunately, he escaped and came back again.
:'''Adam Hills''': Susan from Grentford rang up to donate twenty pounds, Mike from Manchester rang up to donate thirty pounds, and Barry from Glasgow rang up to order two Hawaiian pizzas with a Pepsi.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, they ate everything we sent them last year. I know. All of it. So someone's gonna have to start buying them food all over again!
:'''Stewart Francis''': That was The Saturdays. Up next, Dara O Briain doing an impression of a doorbell. That should be good. (buzz)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Just fifteen pounds a week will pay for the drugs that'll help me stop thinking about poor people.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Big round of applause for all of the people who have been working all night here. None of us are getting paid--- None of us are getting paid?! Forget it. I'm sorry. I'm out.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is a soup kitchen and the conditions are appalling. There's no gazpacho, no vichysouisse, and on one's even heard of crab bisque, even mimose bouche.
:'''Chris Addison''': Big thanks to Alex Ferguson for his massive support for Red Nose Day. He hasn't taken his off for 69 years now!
:'''Stewart Francis''': The money we're trying to raise here is to help people whose lives have been destroyed by Justin Lee Collins.
:'''Andy Parsons''': When I was lying there in the bath of custard, and I wasn't sure if I was able to go on, but then I remembered, I got a lovely apple crumb in the oven.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The tragedy is that this blindness is caused by ignorance. With your help, we can stop these people masturbating.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Everything we raise today will go to Charity, a lap dancer who's 19 and I'm particuarly fond of.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Tonight, we're raising money for Dara O Briain. We work, so he doesn't have to.

== Series 12 ==

=== 14 June 2012 [12.01] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Trains, Toilets, & Celebrities" ====

:'''Nathan Caton''': Is it "If you're going to make a sex tape on public transport, what three things do you need?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What three flavors come through when you're tasting English wine?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "According to the coalition agreement, what three things do the Lib-Dems have responsibility for?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "Name three things I've left my umbrella in"?
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Is it three things you're probably best off not to lick clean?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What is the name of Thomas The Tank Engine's no holds barred autobiography?"
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it what Peter Andre says when he's asked what his daily routine is?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What do we do better than Morocco?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "Name three things I've puked on at the Edinburgh Festival"?
:'''Chris Addison''': What are the three main talking points on a Saga holiday?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it three things that are full of shit?
*:''[Answer: The three most complained about things at the Queen's Jubilee]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear In An Awards Ceremony ====
:'''Chris Addison''': And the winner is Dara O'Briain! (Dara raises his middle finger at Chris, and presses the buzzer)
:'''Nathan Caton''': And the award for Driver Of The Year goes to David Cameron for his pefectly executed U-turn!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Welcome to the National Insincerity Awards. And can I say what a pleasure it is to be here.
:'''Chris Addison''': And Soap Of The Year goes to... (imitates open to "Eastenders") "Coronation Street"!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Would you please welcome your host for the night... Dec.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And the award for Best Actress this evening goes to John Travolta's wife.
:'''Chris Addison''': Father Of The Year is... David Cameron!
:'''Greg Davies''': And predictably for the 50th year running, the Rear Of The Year has been won by the same man. Come on up, Chris. (silence) It's a Chris Rea joke.
:'''Nathan Caton''': And the award for Best Film... Cling. Cling film. 
*:'''Greg Davies''': Oh. That was alright then, wasn't it? It's all bullshit, Dara.
*:'''Dara O'Briain''': It's all politics, man.
:'''Chris Addison''': This is the point in the Psychic Awards where we like to remember those we lost next year.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, they said it was ill-advised, but welcome to the first Witness Protection Scheme Awards.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the award for Most Cleavage On View goes to Eamonn Holmes' arse!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well now, our final category: Category C. There are three sex offenders nominated tonight...
:'''Micky Flanagan''': And I'd just like to say to the wife at home, you better not be around when I get home, sister, 'cause I'm big time now.
:'''Greg Davies''': And the Best Post-Humously Released Rap Record goes to Kim Jong for "I Told You I Was Ill". (wild applause) Too late! Too late!
:'''Andy Parsons''': And to Present Best Film In A Foreign Language, would you please welome Nick Griffin.
:'''Greg Davies''': And the winner of Rear Of The Year goes to Chris Rea! (wild applause)

==== Unlikely Lines From A Thriller ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What more evidence do you need there is a mole? Look at the lawn!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Your wife's head in a box. You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on "Deal Or No Deal".
:'''Chris Addison''': (Camply) What color wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink, or the fuschia?
:'''Greg Davies''': "I want to make you a vodka martini." "You can't handle vermouth!"
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just please to see me?" she purred. "Yes, it ''is'' a gun in my pocket and I've just shot my cock off."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm telling you there will be no attack. This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
:'''Nathan Caton''': So, Mr. Bond, we meet--- Ah! Flipping cat!
:'''Micky Flanagan''': I'm telling you captain, I work best alone! But sometimes in a team! Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, Mr. Bond, we meet at last. Why didn't we ever Skype?
:'''Greg Davies''': "I would like to gently lift your horse's foot." "You can't handle the hoof!"
:'''Chris Addison''': They had human liver with fava beans with a nice Chianti. But the entertainment was excellent, and he was a lovely host, so I'm gonna give Hannibal 7 out of 10.
:'''Micky Flanagan''': Here's Johnny! Do you mind? I'm trying to have a shit in here.
:'''Andy Parsons''': "This prostitute isn't dead," said the Norwegian detective. "She's just pining for the fjords."
:'''Greg Davies''': And as his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness, he realized he was not alone in that room. "Who is it?" "It's me, Peter Andre!"

=== 21 June 2012 [12.02] ===

==== Headliners - David Cameron, Angela Merkel and Barack Obama at the G20, C.I.D.W ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is Merkel saying "Call In Darth...Wader..."
:'''Milton Jones''': Or she's saying "Careful, I Declare War"
:'''Jo Caulfield''': "Cameron Introduces Drunk Woman"
:'''Carl Donnely''': I reckon Merkel is going to the vending machine, so she's checking the orders. "Crunchie, Ice Cream, Diet Cocke, Wotsits."
:'''Milton Jones''': I have lived my life like a "Candle In Der Wind."
:'''Chris Addison''': Cameron, look, It's Denzil Washington.

:'''Dara O'Briain''': At the G20 in Mexico, David Cameron put the Eurozone Crisis at the top of a list of five threats that world leaders need to tackle to avoid a global financial meltdown. Are we scared of this disaster?
:'''Chris Addison''': Yep. (Laughter)
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Did you see what the five things were?
:'''Andy Parsons''': They were, in fact, the Eurozone Crisis, soverign debt, the challenges of growth, low competitiveness, protectionism and failure to regulate the banking system. Now, if you add those up, there are in fact six things there.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And he's going to tell that to the 23 countries of the G20.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': It would be good if, in the middle of the five things, he'd thrown in a genuine..."the five things we have to crack down on are Eurozone debt, soverign debt, low growth, that asteroid, (laughter)failiure to regulate the banking system..." "I'm sorry, what was the last one?" "Low growth?" "No, the one after that." "Oh, the asteroid, we'll get to that." It would be great if we did an episode of this show for people who don't watch the news, and we discussed the asteroid like it was a real thing.
:'''Chris Addison''': I'm pretty sure that this show is for people who don't watch the news.

:'''Milton Jones''': What Cameron should do is put on a great big black hat and the sleep mask he got on the plane, and stand up in front of the G20 and say "I will lead you out of the Economic Austerity, for I am..." (mimes waving a sword) "Borrow."

:'''Chris Addison''': I like the G20, because, whenever you get a bunch of national leaders in a room together you realise, you can try and fight against it, but they are, essentially, a bunch of stereotypes. You've got Angela Merkel, a butch German woman who looks like a shot-putter, Francois Orlande, a Frenchman who left his wife for a young Model, Cameron, a posh Etonian, Putin, a KGB-trained psychopath and Obama, a cool black dude. It's like the G20 was written by the people who wrote 'Allo 'Allo.

:'''Dara O'Briain''': What has Edd Miliband revealed recently?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': That he is related to David Miliband.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Ending speculation.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': That he looks like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit. That's why, when Miliband claimed that David Cameron "doesn't live in the real world," I thought, "Edd doesn't, he lives with a plasticine dog."
:'''Milton Jones''': I had a long conversation with Edd Miliband about whether he looked like Wallace or not. It would've been shorter, but, about once every twelfth of a second, an assistant had to come in and move his arms or his face a bit.
:'''Chris Addison''': But he does – the Tories have been going on Ed for ages 'bout the the fact that he looks like Wallace, but they've got absolutely no room to talk about this stuff.  Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle, Michael Gove looks like Pob, Eric Pickles looks like a Sontaran from Doctor Who, Theresa May looks like Roy Hodgson in drag, Jeremy Hunt looks like Seb Coe with a wasting disease, and if you get Ian Duncan Smith and William Hague together, they look like Yoda's bollocks!

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Chickens, Nurses, & Rain" ====
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Is it "What Does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "Name three things..."? (silence, then applause)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are the most used sound effects in the radio drama ''Monsoon Poultry Hospital''?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': What are the three main things featured in the film ''Golden Dawn''?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What three things have a higher IQ than the entire cast of ''The Only Way Is Essex''?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it all the things that my gran says are stealing her money when I go and visit her in the home?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What additional three things did Churchill think we should fight them on?"
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Is it what Greece is planning to use as currency when the leave the Euro?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Name three things you won't find in a chicken nugget.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are the opening directions in the television drama ''Monsoon Poultry Hospital''?"
:'''Chris Addison''': What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial early career porn film?
*:''[Answer: Things being featured in the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics in London.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Unlikely Things to Hear At EURO 2012 ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And there we see in the stands, John Terry's wife.  And with his arm around her, Rio Ferdinand.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, this French team has three strikers.  Luckily, the other eight have agreed to play.
:'''Milton Jones''': Tonight's game is in the incredible city of Kiev.  The outskirts are sort of crispy-crumbly.
:'''Chris Addison''': And Holland are two-down.  Yes!  I've finished the crossword.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the Greeks have reached the quarter-final!  If only they'd had a massive bet on that...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Oh, that's a bad one!  You can see the bone sticking right out!  These Ukrainian meat pies really are awful...
:'''Jo Caulfield''': And now, over to Mark Lawrenson, who has something really interesting to say.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, I've never seen '''that''' on a pitch before. It seems the referee really '''is''' a wanker.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, mate.  This is row six.  You're row two-thousand and twelve.
:'''Milton Jones''': (in Russian accent) Here in Ukraine, we have launched campaign.  Kick football out of racism.
:'''Carl Donnelly''': And that is some '''incredible''' dribbin' there from the Irish supporters. (crowd groans) Sorry.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': And things are about to turn ugly as we go back to the studio to Adrian Chiles.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And it's Germany against Greece!  The ultimate dilemma for the British royal family!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': That is, quite simply, some wonderful defending there from John Terry's legal team.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, the Russians and Ukrainians are going to settle this with a shootout.  No penalties, just a shootout.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Germany are camped in the Polish half!  Not for the first time...
:'''Chris Addison''': And Rooney's trying to get around the keeper, but his keeper's not letting him out of his cage...

==== Things That You Wouldn't Hear On A Political Discussion Show ====
:'''Milton Jones''': Sorry, did I interrupt you?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, nononono, sir.  No, no, you've had your say.  Now shut the fuck up.
:'''Andy Parsons''': 'Round the Table tonight... Eric Pickles.  And 'round another table, four other politicians.
:'''Milton Jones''': Sadomasochism is a perversion.  But we will clamp down on it!
:'''Carl Donnelly''': Tonight, we'll be discussing Greece.  First question, who'd win in a fight: Danny Zuko or Kenickie?
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Nick Clegg, which of your two faces would you like to answer '''that''' question with?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I agree, Britain's performance in the second quarter has not been all we hoped for, but there is a reason for that: This is a tough job, and I'm shit at it.
:'''Milton Jones''': We will '''NOT''' let Abu Hamza off the hook!
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, Mister Dimbleby, '''my''' question is; if '''I''' were a beleaguered European economy, how would '''you''' stimulate my growth?  And that goes to contestant number three.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Of ''course'' I '''understand''' that people are worried about schools and hospitals, but what '''you''' don't understand is I don't give a shit.
:'''Chris Addison''': Anyone else horny?
:'''Carl Donnelly''': And now we're gonna head over and see what the polls are telling us... HULLO!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Right, now, let's go over to Wales and see what they're saying to us. (mooing noise)
:'''Andy Parsons''': And so we have a question here for the Prime Minister from Nancy Cameron, aged eight. And it's: "When are you going to pick me up, daddy?"

=== 28 June 2012 [12.03] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "35 Billion" ====

:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How many times have people hit 'Refresh' on the Nat West website this week?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is that, in fact, how much I told the Nat West call center I have in my account at the moment?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What is God's next significant birthday?"
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Is it "How many days do we have left of the Olympic torch relay?"
:'''Chris Addison''': After how many years does a bottle of Cillit Bang become safe to handle?
:'''Marcus Brigstocke''': Is it how many calories there are in a cheese and Eric Pickles sandwich?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact, If you borrow a pound off Wonga.com... (loud laughter) how much will you have to pay back?
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "According to the ''Daily Mail'', how many children does an average Somalian family have?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many episodes have there been of the long-running drama ''Monsoon Poultry Hospital''?"
:'''Chris Addison''': You've got to stop going on about that here. You've just got to BUK-CAW! Is it what number Daffy from N-dubs is in line to the throne?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': How much will I win if War Horse wins the Derby?
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How many years older than her face does Madonna's neck look?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many extra tissues have been used worldwide since the publication of ''Fifty Shades Of Grey''?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many comedians have phoned their accountants this week?"
*:''[Answer: In pounds, the amount of money the UK loses per year due to tax avoidance.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Read On A Health Insurance Form ====

:'''Andy Parsons''': Would you describe the conditions of your heart as A: very good, B: medium good, or C: BOO!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Do you ever... temporary blackouts?
:'''Chris Addison''': Do objects in the middle distance appear to be coming to me, to you, to me, to you? You may be suffering from "Chucklevision".
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Are you suffering from or have you ever had an STD, you slag?
:'''Gary Delaney''': Are you the only black guy in a horror film?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Have you ever experienced a buring sensation when you pee? Were you drunk at the time and holding a cigarette at the same time?
:'''Marcus Brigstocke''': Please describe your alcohol intake: Moderate, Average, Excessive, Glaswegian.
:'''Gary Delaney''': What's your blood type? It can do 50 words a minute, in it, bruv.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Buddhists: What was your last cause of death?
:'''Chris Addison''': Do you suffer from dyslexia? If so, please put a bick in this tox.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Do you smoke? Can I have one?
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Do you hear voices? No. Are you deaf? No. So you do hear voices? Yes. I'm sorry, you have lied.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Would you describe yourself as very fit, quite fit, or a bit of a minger?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Do you suffer from dizziness, double vision, or seizures? Then why did you take a penalty for England?

==== Unlikely Lines From A War Movie====

:'''Chris Addison''': Bad luck, Sir Winston. I'm afraid the Second World War's gone to penalties.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm going to rescue a horse that's trapped in the wire. You put the potatoes on.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We've located the battleship. It is located in the squares B5, B6, B7, 8, 9.
:'''Hugh Dennis'''': I was sent upriver in Vietnam, tasked with killing a renegade colonel. That was one hell of a gap year.
:'''Zoe Lyons''': I haven't seen a case of trench foot this bad since the Isle of Wight festival.
:'''Gary Delaney''': It is better to live on your feet than die on your knees. Anyway, enough about that Tulisa video.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Well, if nothing else, this is going to make a lovely tapestry.
:'''Chris Addison''': We're at 5,000 fathoms! Bing. The Hull'll never take it, captain! Bing. And you going "Bing" isn't helping, either!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, but only if you dress up as a nurse and give me a discharge.
:'''Marcus Brigstocke''': Sir, new intelligence has come from the Letters page of the Daily Mail, and it seems Herr Hitler has a point.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (acting startled and trying to cover his ears) I can't stand sound of the guns. Why did I move to Tottenham?
:'''Gary Delaney''': In the Marines, our motto is "No one gets left behind". Private Cameron, where is your daughter?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We make an amphibious landing here. We scale the cliff, avoid the sweeper, bounce on the big balls, and I'll meet you in the Wipeout Zone.
:'''Marcus Brigstocke''': Chaps, we're about to go over the top, and I have a message for you from High Command. It simply says, [[w:War(song)|"War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'! Say it again now! War!"]]
:'''Zoe Lyons''': Don't put your stuff in that one. It's got a really catchy edge. I call it "The Hurt Locker".
:'''Chris Addison''': Medic! Medic! Medic! I'll tell you what the problem is. I've been shot in "me dick!"

=== 5 July 2012 (The 100th Episode) [12.04] ===

:'''Dara O'Briain''': Before we start, can I point out that this is our 100th show. ([Halleluja] plays in, everyone looks proud) Yes, Hallelujah. Episode One went out in June 2005, here's a picture of Andy, Hugh and myself when that happened. (Picture of Andy, Hugh and Dara with long hair.)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I look really like my own Grandmother in that.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Hugh is the only person who's been in all 100, apart from me. Well done Hugh. (Plays a Romanesque fanfare.) Andy's been in 95, but he'll never make up those five. It was a different time, 2005.
:'''Chris Addison''': You can't go back, not unless you're watching Dave.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Pre-Twitter, Pre-Twitter, what did people do before Twitter. Just open the windows and go "lol!"

==== Picture of the Week, Bob Diamond and the Barclays Fiscal Scandal ====

:'''Dara O'Briain''': Teams, who is this and why is he in the news?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': That's is Bob Diamond.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Who is Bob Diamond?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': He is - or was - the CEO of Barclays.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': And why is he in the news?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Because he's resigned.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': Why has he resigned?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Because he's been a bad boy. (Laughter) He's resigned because they've massaged an interest rate, manipulated a thing called LIBOR.
:'''Chris Addison''': Which is what the Labour Party is called in the Midlands.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yeah. But what I love is that their Chairman resigned, and his name is Marcus Agius, and you think "Who's he? Commander of the armies of the North? General of the Felix Legion? No wonder he didn't know what was going on with Barclays, he was preparing for the conquest of Gaul.
:'''Chris Addison''': I am Marcus Veridius Agius, chairman of a dodgy bank, fall guy for a fiscal scandal, and I will have my bonus in this life or the next.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': A disgraced Roman Emperor? Should he be surrounded by people who, every time Marcus Agius walks into a room, go (Plays a Romanesque fanfare.)

:'''Chris Addison''': This is one of those scandals where everyone is furious and nobody knows what they're furious about. All we know is that "Barclays have done something bloody awful, and that man should go." "What have they done?" "I...I don't know, but I don't like him and I think he should go." "Who should...?" "I'm not sure about that either, I'm furious about the whole thing."
:'''Dara O'Briain''': What they did was they dabbled with LIBOR, which is the London Inter-Bank Offered Rate. And they managed to drive it down. "Drive it down? How dare they drive down the inter-bank...!" "Well that meant that your interest was lower on your mortgage." "Oh...conflicted now."

:'''Milton Jones''': When I found out my bank were fixing the loan rate I went down there every day and shouted at them, but now I consolidate all my anger into one monthly outburst.

:'''Ava Vidal''': I don't see why everyone's surprised about Barclays fixing the Inter-Bank Rate, because they've always been a bit dodgy. They refused to boycott South Africa. So I'm overdrawn elsewhere.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': A real blow to them, I'm sure.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I also refuse to bank with Barclays. I feel I did my bit, when I was little I didn't eat any South African apples.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': You were mentioned by Mandela in his speech, weren't you.
:'''Mark Watson'''': Parsons got me through the hard years.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Well it was easy for me, because I didn't like apples. If it had been South African Sherbert Dib-Dabs, Mandela could still be in prison.

:'''Dara O'Briain''': I bank with Barclays, and I don't say that to advertise them, but when I came over here I went to Lloyds, because they were the first ones I happened to walk past, and I tried to open an account. Lloyds don't accept Irish Passports as a valid form of Identification. I was flicking through the pages, going "Look, China accepted this! All I want to do is give you money!" They just went "Hmm, don't know who you are."

:'''Dara O'Briain''': In other news, whose wife took him by surprise this week?
:'''Chris Addison''': Not mine.
:'''Mark Watson'''': Tom Cruise's.
:'''Dara O'Briain''': How has she done that?
:'''Mark Watson'''': She's asked him for a divorce.
:'''Ava Vidal''': Doesn't anybody else find this really sad? If a fake marriage can't pretend to be happy, what hope is there for the rest of us?

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "100" ====

:'''Mark Watson''': Is it "How many meters behind Usian Bolt will any sprinter finish?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "If I told you once, how many times have I told you?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many cocktail sticks do you have to glue to a mouse to make it into a hedgehog?"
:'''Ava Vidal''': Is it how many years of hurt we'll have to sing about if we ever re-release ''Three Lions''?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many days of rain fell in June?"
:'''Chris Addison''': How many miles did The Proclaimers walk before they realized that girl was being a bit high maintenance?
:'''Ava Vidal''': Is it "How many Sugababes have there been?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What do three baby eagles look like when one of them is hatched?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "After Jay-Z's girlfriend first heard the song where he refers to her as a bitch, how many problems did he ''then'' have?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it how many years has it been since my grandfather launched the first motorized iceberg?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What percent of the Conservative Party think ''Fifty Shades Of Grey'' is about John Major?"
*:''[Answer: The percent the Olympics is believed to be over budget.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear At Wimbledon ====

:'''Andy Parsons''': Due to "Mock The Week" overrunning, footage from Center Court has now been cancelled.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': It's out again. Bigger shorts, that's what he needs.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, that is an incredibly strong backhand, but he did tell the ball boy he wanted the water ice cold.
:'''Milton Jones''': (crouching down) Welcome to Center Court. They've just closed the roof, it's a lot lower than we thought...
:'''Ava Vidal''': There seems to be a lot of grunting in this Women's match, and if the man in the back doesn't stop it, we're gonna have to ask him to leave.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So that rain delay, slighty longer than we were hoping. It's now mid-August.
:'''Mark Watson''': So Venus and Serena, the old rivals, meet again, and it's the eternal question: Which one would you do?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, 15–40, the last time someone British won here.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And it's the Russian favorite Novokingchince against the British #3, Absolutely Novokingchince.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, he's very lucky to get to love-40. I've only loved five and I had to pay three of them.
:'''Milton Jones''': Of course, they start training tennis umpires at a very young age and there they are sitting in their high chairs, shouting "Juice! Juice!"
:'''Andy Parsons''': And play has been interrupted as two players have walked onto the court, saying they've got it booked from four and it's now five past.
:'''Chris Addison''': And if we look at his follow-through, we can see he shouldn't have worn white shorts.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The doubles have proved great entertainment today. I've had ten of them, and let me tell you, Sue Barker is looking absolutely gorgeous.

==== Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Consumer Programme ====

:'''Andy Parsons''': On "Watchdog" tonight, Anne Robinson has had a seizure, but you won't be able to tell.
:'''Milton Jones''': Dear "Watchdog", these sausages are inedible. Don't know what it is, they look like someone off the telly.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But the patio had been badly laid, and three weeks later, the body popped up again.
:'''Chris Addison''': My loft has recently been converted. It's now Muslim and won't let me come in unless I take my shoes off.
:'''Ava Vidal''': You can invest your money in a high-interest eiser, or you can blow the lot on cocaine. Come on man, you used to be fun. What's wrong with you?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Tonight, we're investigating united dairies, R. White, and Cadbury's in a feature we're calling "Milk, Milk, Lemonade, 'Round The Corner, Chocolate's Made".
:'''Chris Addison''': Where are the best places to watch other people having sex? We'll find out tonight on "Watch Doggy".
:'''Mark Watson''': And the moral of the story: It never is called Crazy Golf. Don't have your willy out. Good night.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This secret camera we are using is really, really, tiny, which is lucky, because that rogue builder is about to shove it up my ass.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': He paid for the house to be pebble-dashed, but the technique wasn't quite what he was expecting.
:'''Milton Jones''': My doctor said I could have up to twenty units a week, but now I've eaten half my kitchen.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We tested this dishwasher against this dishwasher, and the Filipino was better.
:'''Chris Addison''': Not only would the toilet not flush, but I am banned from IKEA!
:'''Milton Jones''': If it sounds too good to be true and it looks too good to be true, then it's magic!

=== 12 July 2012 [12.05] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "74 Years" ====
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "What is the official age at which you can be racist and get away with it?"
:'''Chris Addison''': How much back tax does Jimmy Carr owe?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "When will it stop raining?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it the traditional amount time between a person's first meal at a Harvester and his second?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How long would it take Victoria Beckham to eat a Cornish pastie?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it how long a minute feels in the company of Louie Spence?
:'''Chris Addison''': What would it sound like if Prince Charles was agreeing with the answer 74?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact, "How long will Katie Holmes have to look over her shoulder?"
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "How long after eating mackerel is it safe to burp again?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What is the average age of the person buying Beyonce's newest track, ''All The Shingle Ladies''?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "If you've come out of a toilet at a music festival, how long do you suggest to the person who's going in they should clean this?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What is the distance of my exclusion order from Doctor Who's assistant?"
*:''[Answer: Before Andy Murray, how long had passed between a British man reaching the Wimbledon finals.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Won't Hear At The Olympics ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Very impressive. Usain Bolt has done a lap of honor and won the 400 meters as well.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So Daly going for three and a half somersaults with Pike, and you have to say the pike doesn't look too happy about it.
:'''Milton Jones''': Good morning. No surprises here at the final of the arch- (acts like he's just been hit by an arrow)
:'''Miles Jupp''': Victoria Pendleton cycling incredibly fast at the moment, desperately trying to get away from a horny Boris Johnson.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': She was hoping for bronze, but sadly for Sue Barker, she is bright orange.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I would like to apologize for my early mistake. We are in fact watching the javelin, and not as I said, "dwarf darts".
:'''Chris Addison''': And all of the sailing golds have went to the Somali team in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve Redgrave.
:'''Milton Jones''': And that's the fifth girl to jump off the top board and miss the huge pool below. Women divers!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty. His name is (gibberish).
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': That is the ten minute preview of the beach volleyball. If you'd like to watch the full match, please enter your PIN now.
:'''Chris Addison''': And the crowd are on their feet! So much for getting the stadium finished on time.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Well, that was a spectacular day of weightlifting, but before we go, we've got time to look over some spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Lane 1: a family eating popcorn. Lane 2: two guys on a stag night. Lane 3 – I'm in the wrong place, this is bowling.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And now in the weightlifting, it's the snatch. She's a big girl, but it's still too... (wild laughter)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And here at Waynemouth, our gold medal prospect is out. In the last race, he touched a buoy and he's been arrested by social services.

==== Unlikely Things To Read In A Children's Book ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And so the tiger came to tea, and then shagged another woman and went back to playing golf.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': As soon as Professor Snape saw Hermonie, he knew in a few years she would be really hot.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "What's a gruffalo?" said the gruffalo. "It's a buffalo on 40 a day."
:'''Chris Addison''': "These bacon sandwiches are delicious," said Pooh, "Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet?"
:'''Milton Jones''': And so the 101 dalmatians fell asleep. Hang on, these aren't dalmatians. Those are just ordinary white puppies riddled with bullets.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Hello, my name is the Very Hungry Caterpillar and I have an eating disorder.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fix it because Bobski the Polish builder had won the contract and done a far better job!
:'''Miles Jupp''': "This place is rubbish," said Edumnd. "Doesn't anybody have sex here?" "Oh, yes," said Aslan. "What do you think the griffins are for?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': But despite his protests, Mr. Tickle was put on the register.
:'''Milton Jones''': After years of depression and alcoholism, the little girl emigrated. And that is the end of "Alice in Sunderland".
:'''Chris Addison''': "This is Pooh Corner," explained one of the other captives.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "Have you heard about Badger?" said Ratty. "He's been gassed to stop the spread of bovine T.B."
:'''Andy Parsons''': As the train came slowly past, The Railway Children hurled stones at it and spray painted "Thomas is a wanker."
:'''Milton Jones''': Tales of the unexpected. Once upon a – BLEAH!
:'''Chris Addison''': And then, as he did every night, Fantastic Mr. Fox knocked over a bin and shat on a doorstop.

=== 19 July 2012 (Midseries Compilation) [12.06] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like to See: Things You Didn't Hear At The Queen's Jubilee ====

:'''Chris Addison''': And look at that, a sea of red, white, and blue as thousands of hyperactive children vomit up the icing from the Jubilee cupcakes.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You can't help thinking that nationalism may have gone a little too far. The flotilla is now anchored off France, ready to invade Calais.
:'''Greg Davies''': And we hear recently that the queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul of the palace plumbing system. Mercifully, they're Corgi-registered. (audience groans, Greg walks back giving the finger in each hand)
:'''Micky Flanagan''': (as loudspeaker) Come in number 46, your time is up!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now's our chance to join in lustily with the second verse of the national anthem. (singing) On... To be served... ma ma ma... The Queen...
:'''Nathan Caton''': Yes, doc, if I say I've got a bladder infection, will it work? Excellent. I can't stand Gary Barlow.
:'''Chris Addison''': Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform, I didn't mean ''that'' one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And it's amazing to think, isn't it, she is 86 years old. Please give it up one more time... Annie Lennox!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And this is a real Jubilee mug: A man who's paid 25 pounds for a Jubilee mug.
:'''Greg Davies''': Awful things before the concert as a rather embarrassing fat man has jumped onto the stage, he's pulling faces and mouthing to Robin Williams records. Uh, ohh...
:'''Chris Addison''': And the queen places the diamond in the stand, lighting the final Jubilee beacon. [[w:The Crystal Maze|Now she enters the Crystal Dome and tries to collect as many gold coupons as she can...]]
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the boats spread out over the vast space of the Thames like thoughts in Fearne Cotton's head.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And there she is, her majesty, the Queen. Where else can you see an 86-year old stand for hours just waiting to be seen? Well, any NHS hospital.

=== 6 September 2012 [12.07] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "11 Days" ====

:'''Andi Osho''': Is it "How many days has it taken Madame Tussaud's to melt down their Pavarotti waxwork?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How long did I have to spend by the hotel pool this summer before I saw a woman who '''wasn't''' reading ''Fifty Shades of Grey''?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How much of last month does Prince Harry remember?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "When are G4S' security staff gonna show up at Olympic Park?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it "Who was at Darren Day's family reunion?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What reaction time is definietly too slow for a fighter pilot?"
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Is it how long's just right for a holiday? 'Cause 14 days is too long. If you go for two weeks, you spend the last three days going "it's too long, isn't it?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it how long I've had this pesky erection, ladies?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How long did it take before the Essex lion got a vejazzle?"
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Is it "How long does it take to watch 12 series of ''24''?" Cause they're slightly less shorter for the adverts, you see.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it, in fact "According to his tax returns, how many days of work did Jimmy Carr do last year?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': How long should you cook a mammoth in a category D oven?
:'''Andi Osho''': Is it how long, now that he's not famous, it takes Craig David to woo a girl?
*:''[Answer: The length of the Paralympic games.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Rejected Questions From This Year's Exams ====

:'''Andy Parsons''': If sine A over A equals sine B over B equals sine C over C, what are the chances that you'll ever gonna use this in your sodding adult life? (wild applause)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': According to Germany, how much is Greece worth? One mark.
:'''Chris Addison''': Exam board of Saragotha: Paint Jesus.
:'''Andi Osho''': Jonathan is a Nigerian prince. What are your credit card details?
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Three girls in this hall are pregnant. Who's the daddy?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Compare the following. A: The market, B: The meerkat.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Heat the crystals until they produce a vapor. Inhale. The exam seems easier now, doesn't it?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
:'''Chris Addison''': Mental arithmetic: Count up the voices in your head.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Using the paper provided, roll up a joint and pass it round.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Does this look infected?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': In the recent Olympics, Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as Australia. That's not a question, just a statement.
:'''Andi Osho''': One Direction are incredibly popular. Explain.
:'''Chris Addison''': Sport: How do you spell "Accaboosi"? Is it A, ca, B, oo, C. Yes or no?
:'''Alun Cochrane''': If Steve eats two apples, an orange, and a banana, why is he such a fat fucker?

==== Things You Didn't Hear At The Olympics ====

:'''Stewart Francis''': And that's yet another gold medal for Ireland. (loud laughter and boos)
*:'''Dara O Briain''': One thing I grew tired of was the ''Canadian'' national anthem.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, there's Prince Harry in the crowd. I would recognize those buttocks anywhere.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, what an opening ceremony! James Bond! Harry Potter! Mary Poppins! Showing the world that the greatest Britons are fictional.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Sweltering conditions here at the ladies' beach volleyball final, but still those four blokes in the front row haven't taken their coats off.
:'''Andi Osho''': (imitates drum roll) Ta da!
:'''Chris Addison''': (in a low voice) And that's the starting pistol, and they're running. They're finished. To be honest, I usually do the snooker.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to Greco-Roman wrestling, where a man from Greece and a man from Italy wrestle each other for the 1 euro coin they found on the floor.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Claire Balding there, but very slowly and she's still got more hair then Colin Jackson.
:'''Alun Cochrane''': And the land jumper from Sierra Leone there, raking the sand for land mines...
:'''Andi Osho''': You've got to admit he's pretty fast for a white guy.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, let's look at the 400 meter hurdles. Those are very big hurdles.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the winner is jumping up and down with delight, which will probably see them disqualified from the wheelchair marathon.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, it's the treble, it's the three he wanted. Usain Bolt has really enjoyed his night with the Swedish women's handball team.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And next up, it's the dressage, or as it's properly known, "''Riverdance'' for horses".
:'''Alun Cochrane''': And now it's time for the clean and jerk and clean again with an old sock.

=== 13 September 2012 [12.08] ===


==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "736" ====

:'''Chris Ramsey''': Is it Tom Daly's bedtime?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': On which page of your home insurance does it say that they never pay out for anything ever?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many hours in a row has Claire Balding now been awake for?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it the only item at his local takeaway that Eamonn Holmes hasn't ordered, and that is spring water?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "How many people have seen ''Keith Lemon: The Movie''?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "If you saw a Pythagroas in constant, name of the old numbers he might throw to you"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many Coco Pops does Rain Man have for breakfast?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is this the number of Americans aware of the Paralympics?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What would Emil Heskey's squad number be at Barcelona?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many energy-saving light bulbs do you have to turn on before you can change an ordinary one?"
:'''Chris Ramsey''': How many calories does the average man burn off while having a proper think about Jessica Ennis?
:'''Ed Byrne''': When reading the letters page of the ''Daily Mail'', what year does it feel like it is?
*:''[Answer: The number of Great Britain athletes in the victory parade of the Olympics and Paralympics.]''

==== Headliners: Boris and David Cameron (B. A. C. C.) ====

:'''Chris Addison''': Is it a '''B'''efore and '''A'''fter '''C'''osmetics '''C'''ommercial?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': They're just pointing at eacho other and saying "'''B'''asically, '''A''' '''C'''omplete '''C'''ock."
:'''Chris Ramsey''': Is it "'''B'''oring '''A'''irport '''C'''onversation '''C'''ontinues"?
:'''Milton Jones''': It's Boris saying, "Our education policy is as easy as '''B'''-'''A'''-'''C'''... '''C'''."
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it Boris just greeting Cameron in his normal way by going "'''B'''ountiful '''A'''cclamations, '''C'''ameronius '''C'''easar"?
:'''Chris Ramsey''': Is it Boris describing his life, and it's Boris just saying, "'''B'''irds '''A'''nd '''C'''ycling. '''C'''racking."?
:'''Ed Byrne''': I think it's "'''B'''angin' '''A'''ll the '''C'''onservative '''C'''hicks".
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it the start of an alphabetical list of people who've benefitted from the Olympics: '''B'''oris '''A'''nd '''C'''oca-'''C'''ola?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it Cameron taking one look at Boris and said "You know, '''B'''arbers '''A'''ccept '''C'''redit '''C'''ards"?
*:''[Answer: Boris And Cameron Clash.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Complaints To TV Channels ====

:'''Chris Ramsey''': Dear ''Jim'll Fix It'': Why haven't you answered any of my letters?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear Living TV: Stop breathing on me, you're freaking me out.
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear BBC: I find it extremely offensive that after each "Scene We'd Like To See", the Host Dara O Briain appears to emit a loud fart.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear BBC: Why have you given Andy Parsons that ridiculous wig this week?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear BBC: I recently saw something on the ''Antiques Roadshow'' I would like to purchase. How much is Fiona Bruce?
:'''Milton Jones''': Dear ''Dragon's Den'': I have lost my keys and for that reason, I'm out.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Dear ITV: I just watched ''Loose Women'' in high definition. Please remove this option.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear Babestation: Sorry for the scrawl, I had to write this with my left hand.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear Babestation: I've watched your channel for ten hours now, and I've yet to see a film about a pig working as a sheepdog. However, I shall persevere.
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear Channel 5: I have watched ''Celebrity Big Brother''. I think it should be renamed ''Big Brother''.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear BBC: Why don't you get Irish comedian Ed Byrne to a documentary on women's pants?
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear Dave: Have you seen Phil? Yours, Bob.
:'''Chris Ramsey''': Dear ''Embarrasing Bodies'': I am a man trapped in a woman's body. I got mixed up between superglue and lube.
:'''Chris Addison''': Dear Dave ja vu: Have you seen Bob Javu? Yours, Phil Javu.
:'''Milton Jones''': Dear BBC: Where can I get one of those blurred number plates you see on television?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Dear ''Embarrasing Bodies'': I think there is something wrong with my penis. I have enclosed it in an envelope... (loud laughter)
:'''Ed Byrne''': Dear BBC: Why have you changed the name of ''Snog, Marry, Avoid?'' to ''Three Men In A Boat''?

==== Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Survival Show ====

:'''Milton Jones''': Not all of us survived this tropical fruit juice storm... five alive.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': At last, I've found some nuts and some berries. I hate it when they re-arrange the shelves at Asda.
:'''Ed Byrne''': We dropped Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson into a remote area of the Amazon rainforest with no supplies and no means of contacting the outside world. You're welcome.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': There are many threats to the children of the Nabooshoo tribe: Crocodiles, snakes, Madonna...
:'''Chris Addison''': Of course, you do have to improvise some things. I've been using these leaves for wiping my bottom, which is why I've been thrown out of this salad bar.
:'''Chris Ramsey''': And to make this wigwam, I've just used three poles, because, well, they're good workers and they're cheap.
:'''Milton Jones''': It was a terrible moment when you fellow mountaineer turns to you and says he's got his arms stuck in a crevasse, and you're gonna cut it off, and then he comes round, he says, "No, not that one!"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Everyone in this gorilla's family has a role. Unfortunately, I'm his love bitch.
:'''Chris Addison''': If you're really lost, it's time to use your Duke of Edinbourough skills. Hopefully, you can offend the indigenous tribespeople enough that they'll chase you out of the forest.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Let me show you how to make a snare, just in case, God forbid, you ever have to improvise a jazz style drum solo.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Perhaps the most rewarding thing of looking at the women of the Nabutu tribe is they have their tits out.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yesterday, I punctured my inflatable, which is terrible. There isn't a sex shop for miles.
:'''Milton Jones''': So I'm at home, and there's an 8-foot anaconda snake coming through the letterbox. I think it's some kind of Amazon mix-up.
:'''Chris Addison''': Tonight on ''Bushcraft'': The vejazzle!

=== 20 September 2012 [12.09] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "600 Meters" ====
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "If Calvin McKenzie was to do a bungee jump from a height of 500 meters, what length rope should he be given?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "What head start would I need if I was competing against Usain Bolt in the 100 meters?"
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it simple? "How big are some trees?", Dara.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How far is the Queen's bed is from her on-suite bathroom?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How far away can Boris Johnson smell a custard creme?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How far can The Proclaimers walk now?"
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Is it "At what distance is Theresa May attractive?"
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "When kicking Chris Brown in the bollocks, exactly how long a run-up should you take?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "Proportionally, if a clown's nose was the size of Dara's head, how long would his shoes be?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How long was the longest runner bean ever grown at the Fukushima nuclear plant?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How long would your penis be if all the products in the spam e-mails have worked?"
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "What is the delivery radius of a realitivetly unambitious pizza company?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it the distance that Prince Philip sprinted to get a copy of the French magazine ''Closer''?
*:''[Answer: The distance away from Kate Middleton a photographer took pictures of her sunbathing topless.]

==== Headliners: Education Secretary Michael Gove (G. A. E. C.) ====
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "'''G'''ove '''A'''ttends '''E'''lf '''C'''ollege"?
:'''Chris Addison''': "'''G'''enetic '''A'''bnormailty '''E'''xplains '''C'''hin".
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "'''S'''omething, '''S'''omething, '''S'''omething, '''C'''ock"?
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Is it Michael Gove saying "'''G'''osh, '''A'''ctual '''E'''thnic '''C'''hildren"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact what the kids have done to him: "'''G'''lued '''A'''rse to '''E'''dge of '''C'''hair"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''G'''ove: '''A'''donis '''E'''xuding '''C'''harisma"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''A'''dult '''L'''iteracy '''R'''ates '''P'''oor"?
:'''Jo Caulfield''': "'''G'''ollum '''A'''dvises '''E'''arth '''C'''hildren".
:'''Greg Davies''': Is it "'''G'''rinder '''A'''dventure '''E'''nds '''C'''atastrophically"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''G'''ove '''A'''nnounced as '''E'''mergency '''C'''ontraceptive"?
*:''[Answer: Gove Announces Exam Change.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On A Property Show ====

:'''Hugh Dennis''': Six months in and Mike has fallen out with the builder. There was no window there, and neither of them noticed.
:'''Chris Addison''': With violence and strong language from the very beginning, it's ''A Place In The Sunderland''.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Yes, it is north facing, but on the plus side, it's a caravan, so you could just turn it around.
:'''Greg Davies''': Get that fish out of here, it stinks. Should never leave a plaice in the sun.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': We've just one hour while Jean is at the shops to improve her flat at Louton. We're setting it on fire and moving it to Oxford.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, it's another setback. This time the structure is damaged, and for the first time, I'm asking myself "Will the Death Star ever be finished?"
:'''Gary Delaney''': And more information on how to get together a deposit for a house can be found in our free leaflet, "When Will Nana Die?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, you bought it at auction for 100,000 pounds, but what exactly are you going to do with Middlesbrough?
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, what we've done is we've knocked the kitchen and the lounge down, and what that's done is killed all the people sitting in the lounge.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': The kitchen's done in a very modern style. We call it "Crack Den".
:'''Gary Delaney''': We're looking at a relic wet counsel house in Hull. Fridge, oven, washing machine, in fact this is one of the nicest gardens we've ever seen.
:'''Greg Davies''': This week on "Grand Designs", my Gran designs a house. It will be shit with terrible arthritis and even rudimentary qualification.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Three coats of varnish and a new rug, and Brucie is ready for his next show.
:'''Chris Addison''': Welcome to the 74 hour long OCD episode of ''How Clean Is Your House?''
:'''Greg Davies''': Knock it down, tarmac it, fuck them.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear In A Maternity Ward ====

:'''Andy Parsons''': Mr. Parsons, your baby looks exactly like you. But mind you, so does every other baby.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': There are complications, I'm afraid. For a start, I'm not a doctor.
:'''Chris Addison''': I definitely can see the head! You should do your flies up, doctor.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Bad news, I'm afraid. He's ginger... your highness.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, would you like to hold the little fella or shall I give you the baby?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Mrs. Jones, I'm gonna need you to push. And then when we've got the ambulance started, we'll try and get you to hospital.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Oh God, is that my baby? I've given birth to Andy Parsons!
:'''Greg Davies''': I'd stay up that end and talk to your wife if were you, Mr. Smith. It looks like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (film)|Alien vs. Predator]]'' down here.
:'''Chris Addison''': And this is the ward for unwanted twins. We call it the [[w:Jedward|Jed Ward]].
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Basically, you just turn them over and slap them on the arse. These nurses' parties are great.
:'''Chris Addison''': Nice to see you again, Mrs. Jolie. And if you'd like to go to the next window to collect your order...
:'''Greg Davies''': Oh, this isn't your first baby, isn't it?
:'''Andy Parsons''': You have a bouncing baby boy. I know that because I dropped him in the delivery room.
:'''Jo Caulfield''': Okay, big breath, big breath in, hold it, hold it and pass the joint to the midwife.
:'''Andy Parsons''': If you're not in when we deliver the baby, is it okay if we leave it with a neighbor?
:'''Gary Delaney''': No, no, I ''do'' like it, darling, just not in that colour.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I know you're in great pain. But we need to know your name. Right. Doctor for Mrs. Fuckoff.

=== 27 September 2012 [12.10] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "8%" ====
:'''Joe Wilkinson''': Is it "How much of my body isn't covered in hair?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact, "How much of Abu Hamsa will have to be removed so that they can get him through the Heathrow metal detectors?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What does Mario Balotelli give every game?"
:'''Chris Addison''': What is the chance of the police responding quickly to an incident at Andrew Mitchell's house?
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "How much of Anne Robinson's face can still move?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What looks like an obese parent and two obese children on a seesaw?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many people involved with the making of the film ''Innocense of the Muslims'' still think all publicity is good publicity?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''' : Is it "What percent of ''X Factor'' finalists haven't had a granny die?"
:'''Chris Addison''': What percentage of Americans have approached Dr. Dre for medical advice?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What level of erection did I once try to have sex with?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "What's Nick Clegg's approval rating in his own family?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "In deprived areas, how many lollipop ladies get licked to death?"
*:''[Answer: The number of people who would vote for Lib-Dems in the general election, according to opinion polls.]''

==== Headliners: Barack Obama And Mitt Romney (P. R. R. T.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''P'''rankster '''R'''emoves '''R'''omney's '''T'''eeth"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Looking at Obama's ears, "'''P'''resident '''R'''eally '''R'''esembles '''T'''rophy".
:'''Milton Jones''': It's Obama going "'''P-R-R-T''', 7 letters, Belgian detective."
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''P'''ublic '''R'''eaction '''R'''eaches '''T'''epid"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': In a Yorkshire accent, is it "'''P'''olicitians, '''R'''ight '''R'''ubbish! '''T'''ew"?
:'''Dara O Briain''': Can I have the correct answer?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': "'''P'''resident '''R'''eads '''R'''adio '''T'''imes".
:'''Dara O Briain''': Not "'''P'''resident '''R'''eads '''R'''adio '''T'''imes".
*:''[Answer: Presidental Race Remains Tight.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On A News Programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': A tornado has struck the East Coast of America, carrying everything with it. Let's go to our Washington correspondent in Hawaii.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to Sky News. At the moment, the sky is blue.
:'''Chris Addison''': After years of searching, the police say they are now close to finding who let the dogs out. They have new leads.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Right, now let's go to the news in the shitty place you live.
:'''Milton Jones''': Scientists have injected a human embryo with Marmite. The woman gave birth to Twiglets.
:'''Chris Addison''': Continuing on our major story about new organizations hacking people, let's read a few of your e-mails.
:'''Andy Parsons''': More on that volcanic eruption in Iceland: Two of the aisles have closed, one of the tills is out of order.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (facing away from the mike) This is the world's most literal reporter saying "Back to the studio".
:'''Joe Wilkinson''': And now over to Sue with the weather. I've had her.
:'''Chris Addison''': Our top story tonight, anger grows amongst autocue operators following a massive paycut bum tits willy fart I made you say that.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Hot and sunny outside, so why not head down a beach? You might see some tits!
:'''Andy Parsons''': And now for the weather report. Let's hope it's a hot one. Oh no, it's Rob McElwee.
:'''Milton Jones''': And, finally... (pretends putting a gun against his head)
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm in the Hauge, which must be very uncomfortable for him.
:'''Milton Jones''': A quick look at the weather now. (looks around)

==== Unlikely Things To Read On A Medical Label ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Use only if you are immobile or you find it difficult to move. Tested on Dara O Briain.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Anti-diarreha medicine: In an emergency, shove the bottle up your ass.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': As recommended by Michael Jackson.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Ditetramethol chorolbenzoate for the anomial effulence of the tri-cordal aorta: Does exactly what it says in the tin.
:'''Chris Addison''': Groin cream: Not suitable for people with a nut allergy.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Homeopathic tablets: Side effects, none. Main effects, none.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Embarrased using Anusol? Why not try this: Arse Crack Soothe.
:'''Milton Jones''': Do not eat dairy, otherwise we will have nowhere to milk the cows.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Viagra: It'll give you more than 8%.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Contains Placebox and Madeitupalin.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Viagra: Take fifteen minutes before sex, or if single, strap in for the wank of a lifetime.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Obesity pills: Don't eat the bottle, chubby.
:'''Joe Wilkinson''': Keep out of reach of children. Not the tablets, '''YOU'''!
:'''Chris Addison''': Store somewhere cool, like New York.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Pregnancy test: Pick up your daughter's boyfriend and shout "WAS IT YOU?!"

=== 4 October 2012 [12.11] ===

==== Headliners: Ed Miliband And Ed Ball (M. F. I. B.) ====

:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''M'''iliband '''F'''ondles '''I'''nvisible '''B'''uttocks"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is Miliband so dull that the headline is in fact "'''M'''assive '''F'''lag '''I'''n '''B'''ackground"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''M'''artian '''F'''reak '''I'''nvades '''B'''ritain"?
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is he apologing to young Labour for their poll ratings saying, "'''M'''y '''F'''ault, '''I'''nit '''B'''ruv"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it jsut simply "'''MFI''': '''B'''ollocks"?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Why can't we just say "'''M'''y '''F'''anny '''I'''s '''B'''urning"?
:'''Chris Addison''': By the look at the flag, he's trying to knock some sense to a BNP rally. Is he saying "'''M'''o '''F'''arah '''I'''s '''B'''lack"?
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Quite simple, is it "'''M'''an '''F'''ocuses '''I'''n '''B'''ackground"?
:'''Ed Byrne''': He's trying to be a bit more down-to-earth and he's going "'''M'''ajorca, '''F'''ellrachi, '''I'''biza, '''B'''rilliant".
:'''Chris Addison''': "'''M'''ogli's '''F'''riend '''I'''s '''B'''aloo".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''M'''artian '''F'''reemen '''I'''s '''B'''ilbo"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': "'''M'''iliband '''F'''ears '''I'''rritating '''B'''attle"- "'''B'''owel"!
*''[Answer: Miliband Fights Image Battle.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "14 1/2"====

:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How many weeks does it now take Mickey Rourke to get an erection?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What glass slipper size would have made Prince Charming go 'Okay, I'll leave it'?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many pubes do the band One Direction have?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "How many months does Wayne Rooney think there are in a year?"
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Is it "How many shades of grey are there really?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many minutes did it take to write ''Gengham Style''?"

:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many pints would the seven dwarves get through if Snow White was there and she all of them driving?" Get the maths of that!
:'''Chris Addison''': I don't get it!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Two pints each, they'd all be under the limit, and a half for the lady!

:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How far into Jamie Oliver's 15 minute meals did I realize I didn't have all the ingredients?"
:'''Chris Addison''': How many hairs has Dara got left?
*''[Answer: Europe's winning score in the Ryder Cup.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say ====

:'''Chris Addison''': They think it's all over, but Wayne Rooney is telling his hair surgeons that they've missed a bit!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, just two laps to go, and then these dancers from Stringfellow will be heading home for the night.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Tragedy strike the Winter Olympics as the ski jump is held just next to a clay pigeon shoot.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And that's a 200 yard drive. Colin Montgomery there, too lazy to walk to get the paper.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, with 200 meters to go, he is on the shoulder of the Ethopian. I don't know if it's legal for himt to be there, but it slowed him down a bit.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Louis Hamilton leading, but there's trouble up ahead as Dick Dastardly and Muttley is digging a hole at Turn 17.
:'''Chris Addison''': She can see the line now. She can definitely see the line now, and she is definitely pregnant.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Welcome back to the women's shot put. Here's the Lithuanian now. My, what a pretty thing.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, let's go to Ebbsome for the 230, there are 16 runners, everyone else is riding a horse. What a race this is going to be.
:'''Alun Cochrane''': And after Andy Murray's recent appearance on television's ''Mock The Week'', onto Center Court we see the walloping frame of Dara O Briain.
:'''Gary Delaney''': And that's an incredible right hook there from Abu Hamza.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Boris Johnson, are you enjoying the Olympics. Oh, I'm sorry. Claire Balding, are you enjoying the Olympics?
:'''Alun Cochrane''': And there was some confusion earlier on Center Court when Andy Murray thought he signed one of those novelty tennis balls and it turned out to be a fat kid's face with jaundice.
:'''Chris Addison''': And the England team sticking with the classic 4–4–2 formation. This really is the most organized orgy I've ever seen.
:'''Gary Delaney''': So Serena Willaims remains unseeded for a second year. I can't help thinking that a bit if Lithian and a push-up bra...

====Bad Things To Say At A Job Interview ====

:'''Ed Byrne''': What do I think of nepotism? That's a good question, Dad.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yeah, I served for ten years in Afghanistan. I was in the Taliban.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I like to see to myself as a people person, although some people have called me a trafficer.
:'''Gary Delaney''': So, I'm just checking. You definitely, definitely, definitely don't do a CRB check.
:'''Ed Byrne''': You ask a lot of questions.
:'''Chris Addison''': Sorry, could you just repeat the question? My ankle bracelet's beeping really loudly!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, I am a fully qualified geography teacher and--- the school's next door, is it?
:'''Ed Byrne''': If I were to take you on as an accountant, how do you think you'd cope with all the extra fanny you'd be getting?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do I like jogging? Oh, I thought you said "Do you like dogging?" Um, the answer's still yes.
:'''Gary Delaney''': You've demonstrated a bad attitude, an inability to listen, and a complete disinterest in others. Welcome to Ryanair's customer service team.
:'''Alun Cochrane''': Why do I want to be a vet? Ketamin.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, they gave me a tutu at university, so I thought I might wear it to the interview.
:'''Ed Byrne''': I'd say my three strongest points are attention to detail, a determination to see things through, yada yada yada.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Yes, I, I think I'd be the perfect candidate-date-date to make the platform announcement-ouncement-ouncement.
:'''Chris Addison''': Why do I want to join the Army? I just love a man in uniform.
:'''Andy Parsons''': What would I do if I won the lottery? Tell ''you'' to fuck off.

=== 11 October 2012 [12.12] ===

:'''Milton Jones''': I always thought ''Take Me Out'' was a show about people who wanted to be assassinated.

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "10 Billion" ====
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Is it "How many hours of community service will Justin Lee Collins have to do before a girl agrees to date him again?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it the number of tweets that David Cameron's received to his new Twitter account that include the word "tosspot"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "If the planet Earth wore trousers, what size waist would it take?" Well, is it?
*:'''Dara O Briain''': Well, let me check my notes. No.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (drunkenly, clenching a mug) Is it "How many units do I get through a week?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What does '10 Million' sound like if you say it when you've got a cold?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "How many STDs are circulating on the isle of Fernando's?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many tattoos would I have to have to look remotely hard?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "After how many sheep do you have to count before you know you're not going to sleep?"
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Is it "How many undeserved chances will Rihanna give Chris Browne?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How much would Mr. T get if he went to Cash For Gold?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many sugarpuffs can you get in a pillowbox?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "What are the chances against getting a joke about ''Jim'll Fix It'' on the BBC at the moment?"
:'''Chris Addison''': How many days has that sale been on at DFS?
*:''[Answer: The amount of cuts in the welfare budget.]''

==== Headliners: Abu Hamza (H. F. A. T.) ====
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "'''H'''igh '''F'''iving '''A'''lways '''T'''rouble"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''H'''amza '''F'''antasises '''A'''bout '''T'''humbs"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Look on the bright side, '''H'''is '''F'''eet '''A'''re '''T'''errific.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "'''H'''arvest '''F'''estival '''A'''ttracts '''T'''roublemaker"?
:'''Katherine Ryan''': No, no, it's "'''H'''oly '''F''', '''A''' '''T'''eletubby"!
:'''Milton Jones''': Is he reading an eye chart and going "'''H''', '''F''', '''A'''... '''T'''"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "'''H'''arlow '''F'''inally '''A'''ppoint '''T'''owncrier"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it what the British authority said to him when they said goodbye: "'''H'''ave '''F'''un, '''A'''bu! '''T'''arah!"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it what happens when he tries to do "Head Shoulders Knees And Toes": "'''H'''ead- '''F'''uck! '''A'''h, '''T'''wat!"
:'''Andy Parsons''': It's the start of his sermon, isn't it? "'''H'''ello, '''F'''insbury '''A'''nd '''T'''ottenham!"
:'''Chris Addison''': "'''H'''is '''F'''ingers '''A'''ren't '''T'''here".
*''[Answer: Hamza Faces American Trial.]"

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A Bond Movie ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Agents aren't what they used to be, 007. Meet 118118.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': One dry martini, shaken not stirred, and um... four Jager bombs.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So, Bond, we are really pushing product placement in this film, so here's your new secretary, Miss Moneysupermarket.com.
:'''Chris Addison''': Goldfinger, what are you doing with that laser? You've nearly burned my cock off!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, laser guided, fires at will, lovely in my hand, incredible repeat still. Tell me, Mr. Bond, where do you get a penis like this?
:'''Milton Jones''': MI-6? No, you're a lot older than ''that'', Bond.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Aha, Mr. Bond. It appears that someone has stolen my cat.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Sorry, James, I'm gonna have to remove your license to kill. Also, I would question the validity of this "Boob Inspector" card.
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Hey, it's me, Pussy. Pussy Nomore. Yeah, I'm post-op now. Things are going real good.
:'''Milton Jones''': Professor, how could you? You tried to mix giant broccoli with three million eggs. So, your terrible flan has failed!
:'''Chris Addison''': And this watch that fires bullets, and that's all the items I can give you. I'm the "eight items or less" Q.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I think you may need an eye test, Bond. That sex-mad blonde you've been shagging in the embassy is Julian Assange.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So she's smuggling diamonds somehow, Bond, and your job is to find out how. Just go to the hotel reception and ask for Fanny Vejazzle.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear At A Party Conference ====
:'''Milton Jones''': Yes, I'm a millionaire. Yes, I went to Eton. But I really think I can relate to the rest of you scum.
:'''Andy Parsons''': My name's Dave. Like the TV channel, we both repeat the same old shit over and over again.
:'''Chris Addison''': Would Nick Clegg please come to lost property where his missing spine has been handed in?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Am I to the left? Am I to the right? I'll be honest. It depends which trousers I'm wearing.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': So that concludes the conference. One more question: Would anyone like to buy a 40 foot sign with the word "Conservatives" written on it?
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'd avoid the hotel bar. Anne Widdecombe's in there reading ''Fifty Shades Of Grey''.
:'''Chris Addison''': It has been unacceptible cut after unacceptible cut. Why can't Boris Johnson find a proper hairdresser.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Welcome to the UKIP conference, the first conference to be held here in Islamabad.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Education, education, education, can someone fix my autocue, please?
:'''Chris Addison''': Politicians, ready! Gladiators, ready!
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Let's get drunk and join the Euro!
:'''Milton Jones''': This government say they are phasing out Roman numerals. Not on my watch.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': There have never been enough women in this party, and that's why from this afternoon you can call me Stephanie.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Our strategy for this Labour conference is "Embrace The Geek" and not as I said earlier "Release The Gimp".
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Here is support of testicular cancer week is Shadow chancellor Ed Ball.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, I don't know about you, but I have swallowed so much semen this weekend.
:'''Andy Parsons''': My name's Dave, like the TV channel. Now I repeat the same old shit over and over again.

=== 27 December 2012 (Christmas Compilation) [12.13] ===

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On Crimewatch ====
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': So now we come back to the kidnap of Louie Spence. Police are repeating, if you have any leads, please keep them to yourself.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now, ''Crimewatch Appeal''. Lend us a tenner.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Don't have nightmares. In fact, don't go to sleep at all in case somebody breaks in and murders you!
:'''Chris Addison''': Police describe the man as looking a bit like a penis, a bit like a sausage, and armed with a buzzer.
:'''Katherine Ryan''': A woman appears to have robbed a dairy farm, making off with a thin bag filled with cottage cheese. Oh no, Kim Kardashian's got leggings on.
:'''Milton Jones''': Do not approach this man, he is a professional counterfeiter. He even has the certificates to prove it.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now, a new program, ''Spring Crimewatch''. This week, a badger tracks the bastard that tried to kill it.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello, and welcome to ''Crimewatch''. Here's a crime, let's watch.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Police say do not approach this man. He has an iPhone 5 and will not shut up about it.
:'''Milton Jones''': (with one hand on his ear) And we're just getting word that the superglue prankster is still on the loose...
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The case was closed in 1974 and police have never reopened it, mainly because they've forgotten the combination.
:'''Chris Addison''': Police have described the man as being about six foot tall, having curly brown hair, blue shirt, looks a bit gay... (realizes he just described himself, runs back)
:'''Andy Parsons''': Did you see a policeman knock over a newspaper seller? No, you didn't.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': This reconstruction starts with some sad piano music. Never a good sign, is it?
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Have you seen someone acting suspiciously? You were probably watching ''Hollyoaks''.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do you recognize this man? Neither do be--- (buzz, Katherine tries to run down, but Chris stops him) Wait, I'm trying! ('''Josh Widdecombe''': I'm not gonna be able to protect you.) Do you recognize this man? Neither do we, but apparently, he's been on ''Celebrity Big Brother''. I think that was worth it, don't you?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Police have no idea where Mario Balatelli is, but they're working on the theory that he's disappeared up his own ass.

== Series 13 ==
=== 13 June 2013 [13.01] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "197" ====
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Is it Dara O Briain's hat size?
:'''Chris Addison''': It's 19''8''. Is it "What are the first three numbers of the decade most Googled by the staff of Operation Yewtree?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': On a similiar note, is it in fact "How many times have the ''Coronation Street'' writers had to re-write the script in the last month?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many pounds did Amazon pay in tax last year?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "What is the combined age of Joan Rivers and a one-year-old?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How many times did I try and vote for the egg-throwing woman on Saturday night?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many members of Attraction would it take to make a shadow figure of Eric Pickles?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many Findus lasagnas could you get out of this year's Grand National winner?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "If I watch any five minutes of ''Game of Thrones'', what is the average amount of tits I will see?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many margarita cocktails can you make from one pizza?"
*:'''Dara O Briain''': And you wonder why no one comes to your Mexican nights anymore.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What number Downing Street does Cameron put Nick Clegg in?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How many baby hamsters can you get in a shoebox?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What's my room number?", ladies?
*:''[Answer: The number of intelligence reports from PRISM last year.]''

==== Headliners: David Cameron (C. I. E. L.) ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it what Cameron had for lunch: '''C'''risps, '''I'''ce Cream, '''E'''agle, '''L'''ilt?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it simply "'''C'''ameron '''I'''s '''E'''ntered by '''L'''ucifer"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is he going "'''C'''retins, '''I. E.''' '''L'''iberals"?
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is this why we're so unpopular in Europe? Is it "'''C'''ameron's '''I'''nterpretor '''E'''xceptionally '''L'''oud"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Has he seen Boris up on a windowledge , and it's "'''C'''ameron '''I'''nsistently '''E'''ncourages '''L'''eap"?
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Maybe he's just trying to have a nice time, Cameron tries to have a good day, and he's saying "'''C'''an't '''I''' '''E'''njoy '''L'''ondon?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': "'''C'''ouple '''I'''n '''E'''cstatic '''L'''ove".
*:''[Answer: Cameron Is Electoral Liability.]

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Lines From A Cosmetics Commercial ====
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Do you want lighter, smoother skin? Why not try getting fat?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': For a rich all over tan, get into a bath David Dickinson's just got out of.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do you suffer from low self-esteem, feel like a failure? Think you can't go on? Then take 200 Nurophin. That should do the trick.
:'''Chris Addison''': Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she got it off that guy in Ibiza.
:'''Milton Jones''': Now Daphne here is wearing a lot of concealer. (looks around) Daphne? 
:'''Katherine Ryan''': What's my secret? I murdered my first husband.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Want thicker, fuller lips? Then why try telling a nightclub bouncer he's a twat to his face.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Clinique: Because "Clinic" reminds you of chlamydia and stuff.
:'''Milton Jones''': This eyeliner really works... and it tastes good, too! That's why we call it "Chicken Tikka Mascara".
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': I'm Dean Gaffney, and I'm worth it.
:'''Katherine Ryan''': We don't test any of our products on animals. We use Filipino children.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is your man hairy all over? Why not try "Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': New anti-wrinkle cream for men. My scrotum has never felt so smooth.
:'''Andy Parsons''': For the most relaxing bubble bath imaginable, why not have a little cheeky wank while you're in there?
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Do you dream of longer, fuller lashes? Then you should try re-evaluating your priorities.
:'''Chris Addison''': Sweaty from the Tube, frizzy hair from the rain, black snot. She's got the London look.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Three steps to a better skin: No crisps, no chips, no burgers!

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On Dr Who ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': When I was giving you a quote as your cleaner, Doctor, I was giving you a quote from the outside.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': There isn't going to be a new Doctor. I'm being replaced by a helpline.
:'''Milton Jones''': That is the last time we park the TARDIS outside the Portaloos at Glastonbury!
:'''Chris Addison''': Davros, we meet again! Oh, Lord Sugar, I'm so sorry.
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Heyyyyyy. Saw you from across the TARDIS and I think I regenerated in my pants.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Doctor! Doctor! You must help me! I think I'm a pair of curtains!
:'''Chris Addison''': ''(pronouncing with the "oo" sound throughout)'' Tragic news about the ''Ood''. There's been a terrible ''flood'', they've tries to escape into the ''wood'', but it didn't do any ''good'', and now they're all ''dood''.
:'''Milton Jones''': No, I'm the doctor who works for the World Health Organization.
:'''Chris Addison''': Yes, I mainly hang aroung young women. Yes, I was on television in the 1970s. Where are you going with this?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You've got to believe me, Clara, this is our best chance! Now unzip my flies, and I'll explain later.
:'''Andy Parsons''': We go forward in time by an hour, and then we get a quid off the pizza.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Now the first thing to remember on Planet Xenon is to turn off data roaming.
:'''Milton Jones''': We are ten million years in the future. H. G. Wells has just got married.
:'''Chris Addison''': ''(in a Dalek voice)'' YOU ARE THE DOCTOR. I AM THE TRACHEOTOMY PATIENT.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I am the Doctor. I am 1200 years old. And this is my assistant, who's 27.

=== 20 June 2013 [13.02] ===

:'''Chris Addison''': Smash the system! Smash the system! After we've been paid.

==== Headliners: The G8 Summit (L. A. G. S.) ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "'''L'''eaders '''A'''dmire '''G'''lossy '''S'''urface"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it how David Ike sees the G8 summit: '''L'''izards, '''A'''liens, '''G'''ermans, '''S'''ociopaths?
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "'''L'''onely '''A'''nglo '''G'''oes '''S'''peeddating"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': It's probably just Cameron describing what's going to happen, isn't it? He's probably going "'''L'''ater, '''A'''fter '''G'''lobalization, '''S'''trippers."
:'''Nathan Caton''': Is it "'''L'''eaders '''A'''ssemble for '''G'''angham '''S'''tyle"?
:'''Miles Jupp''': I think it might be what you can do at night, which is '''L'''ook '''A'''t '''G'''oogle or '''S'''leep.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "'''L'''ook '''A'''t '''G'''uilty '''S'''upplier"? And you've got to look at whoever round the table you think has been supplying arms to Syria.
*:'''Dara O Briain''': Putin's not making a lot of eye contact at that game, is he? He's just staring at the table.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact Nick Clegg's role in the whole thing: "'''L'''iberals '''A'''re '''G'''etting '''S'''nacks"?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it describing the G8 summit, '''L'''ame '''A'''ttempt to '''G'''ive a '''S'''hit?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it just "'''L'''eaders '''A'''ll '''G'''ather '''S'''omewhere"?
*:''[Answer: Leaders Attend Global Summit.]''

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "8" ====
:'''Nathan Caton''': When talking toward Barack Obama, how many black friends does David Cameron claim to have?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it what might bras would look like if breasts were arranged vertically?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "According to figures given by the tax office, how many coffees has Starbucks ever sold?"
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "After what hour are you legally permitted to consume square mint chocolates?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How many times has Julian Assange watched the complete DVD collection at the Ecuadorian embassy?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How many Father's Day cards did Boris Johnson get?"
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How many episodes of ''Top of the Pops'' in the 1970s are safe to repeat?"
:'''Nathan Caton''': Is it "How many thousand people are looking at this thinking, 'Why is Lamar doing comedy?'"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How many days should this year's winner of ''The Voice'' reserve for their career?"
*:''[Answer: The number of care commandments proposed for hospitals.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On Radio ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': You're listening to Radio Yewtree: The cream of the 1970s broadcasting live from Pentonville!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is Jazz FM. You're listening by mistake.
:'''Chris Addison''': This is the Breakfast News. The Prime Minister had porridge, the Home Secretary had muesli.
:'''Miles Jupp''': My piles have given me so much bloody gri--- what? You're listening to Smooth FM.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is the Somali shipping forecast. DON'T GO OUT THERE!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This is Magic FM. Pick a frequency, any frequency.
:'''Nathan Caton''': F9, hit. A2, miss. C3, hit. That was the battleshipping forecast.
:'''Gary Delaney''': You're listening to Radio 3. Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
:'''Andy Parsons''': On talk radio today, we've been discussing what a tosser Nick Clegg is. And now on the line, we've got David from South Central London.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': That was "God Is Dead" by Black Sabbath. You're listening to Vatican Radio.
:'''Nathan Caton''': And at number one this week, Jedward, proving that teenage girls can not be trusted with money.
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, I'm in the eye in the sky with the chopper report. I've waited twenty years to file this particular report. If I look down, I can see red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow---
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't touch that dial! I'm defrosting a pie.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Next up on Radio 1, Nick Grimshaw. He's not very good, but he's only 28, so he definitely didn't get up to anything in the 1970s.
:'''Chris Addison''': Next, Ed Miliband lays out his policies in ''I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue''.
:'''Andy Parsons''': It's 10:00 on Radio 4, and before the news, here's five minutes of free porn.

==== Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Science Documentary ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': My favorite element is helium. (in a high voice) I can't speak highly enough of it.
:'''Chris Addison''': The Solar System is so vast, it could comfortably accommodate your mum.
:'''Nathan Caton''': The most fascinating thing is if you really spend enough time looking at the alignment of all the stars, your wife will leave you.
:'''Andy Parsons''': They call it dark matter. Well, whatever it is, I tried to flush it four times and it's still there.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The light from this new distant planet takes so long to get here that we've actually seen things that happened years ago, and that's why scientists have named it "Dave".
:'''Andy Parsons''': Tonight, we're discussing sport science. Is it a real job or is it just PE when it's raining?
:'''Miles Jupp''': In our next experiment, we're gonna prove that putting Dara O Briain in a room full of young people still doesn't make science interesting. (audience groans)
*:'''Gary Delaney''': I think we've got the points.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So if we look through the telescope, we can see the biggest black hole ever found. Oh no, I left the lens cap on.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Weren't D-Reem shit?
:'''Chris Addison''': How does your granny's stairlift work? Well, it's all to do with nana technology.
:'''Andy Parsons''': No, Nigel, that's not how you make a test tube baby. Get your penis of the test tube.
:'''Chris Addison''': (imitating Dara O Briain) So this is amazing, right, it's, so what you're saying is somewhere, Professor Cox, in a parallel universe, there is a me with hair.

=== 27 June 2013 [13.03] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "11.5 billion" ====
:'''Holly Walsh''': What is the amount I stand to win if the new royal baby is called Trevor?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "How many laxatives is Nigella Lawson going to put in her husband's next cake?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many words are there in an iTunes Terms and Conditions update?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it how much of Eric Pickles' department has agreed to cut from their biscuit budget?
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How many times does Berlusconi have to be found guilty before he actually goes to jail?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "How many times a day do I currently have to listen to ''Get Lucky'' by Daft Punk?"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "How many Tesco club card points do you need to get 10p off a pack of cereal?"
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it "How much has Dara O Briain had his legs insured for?"
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How many times does a former Radio 1 DJ delete his internet browsing history when the doorbell rings?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': How many Ferrero Rochers has Julian Assange eaten in the last year?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it quite simply "Think of a number"?
*:''[Answer: The amount of money George Osbourne has agreed to cut in his spending review.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Fitness DVD ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Okay, let's get you sweating in your own living room. I know you're an illegal immigrant.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Today, we're going to work on our three problem areas. That's bums, tums, and Afghanistan.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So you want rock hard buns? Then you need to get to Greggs at around five o'clock in the afternoon.
:'''Chris Addison''': Really stretch it out, com on, really stretch it, you're nearly there, can you feel the burn? Can you? Good! Okay, now you've got your leotard on, we can do the exercises.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': So that's three minutes in, and it's time to wave goodbye to our American viewers.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Hi, I'm Elle MacPherson, and welcome to ''Wankercise''.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Hello and welcome to ''Get Thin on Heroin''.
:'''Chris Addison''': I got rid of all my excess weight when I was pregnant just by leaving him on a stranger's doorstep.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If you find weights really boring, do what I do: don't wait.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Now I find squats very important because I can't afford to pay my own rent.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Are you still too big to fit into that dress? Don't worry about it. Just go to Leeds, the women there don't seem to give a shit!
:'''Chris Addison''': And now I can completely fit into the bikini. Of course, sometimes my cock flops out, but...
:'''Holly Walsh''': Hello and welcome to ''Pilates At Home'', all of fun of pilates at home without the embarrassment of farting at a church hall.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Hello and welcome to ''Dara O Briain's Bunga Bunga Workout''!

==== Unlikely Things For A Vet To Say ====
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Of course your monkey's got diabetes. You've been feeding him Coco Pops for 20 years!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I know it's expensive, Mrs. Smith, but if you want your cat put down, you're gonna have to make nine appointments.
:'''Gary Delaney''': No, I'm afraid Timmy won't be coming out of hibernation soon, and that's because he not a tortoise, he's a Freventos pie.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So what I'm going to do is I'm gonna cut open the stomach of the Rottweiller, and hopefully, I'll have both of us out of here in no time whatsoever.
:'''Chris Addison''': If only they could talk, I'd be in prison.
:'''Holly Walsh''': The bad news is we've had to chop off one of Fido's legs, but the good news is if you put roller skates on him, that's three million hits on YouTube right there!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': You're right, Mrs. Thomas, this is the first beaver I've seen. Now what pet have you brought in?
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': The good news is your snake has survived, the bad news is he's never going to walk again.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Well, sir, if you think this treatment is too expensive, I suggest you get your meerkat to find somewhere cheaper.
:'''Chris Addison''': Yes, your horse is a little bit overweight, but that's nothing to worry abou--- oh, it's a dog.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': We just had the test results back on the cows, and it's not good, I'm afraid: They're 10% horsemeat.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': I'm afraid it's dead, Mr. Forsyth, but I would say maybe shouldn't have kept it on your head for so long.
:'''Chris Addison''': I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down. Rover, you're a fat lazy arsehole who couldn't catch a stick to save his life!
:'''Gary Delaney''': Mr. Johnson, you spoil that dog. Not only are you overfeeding him but he's quite capable of licking his own balls.

=== 4 July 2013 [13.04] ===
==== Headliners: Ed Miliband and Ed Balls (L. L. I. S.) ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "'''L'''abor '''L'''eader '''I'''s '''S'''hit"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it not. It's not initials at all, have they just been photographed in the Welsh town of '''Llis'''?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is Ed Balls just saying "'''L'''ook '''L'''ook, '''I''' '''S'''illy"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is Ed Miliband's voice finally being explained: '''L'''ump '''L'''odged '''I'''n '''S'''inus?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Miliband is looking at Balls and thinking "'''L'''et's '''L'''ive '''I'''n '''S'''in."
:'''Ava Vidal''': Are they talking about what Ed Balls did and he just '''L'''et '''L'''oose '''I'''nvisible '''S'''phere?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact he's looking a bit surprised and he's like that because '''L'''ubricated '''L'''ove-egg '''I'''s '''S'''lipping?
:'''Ed Byrne''': "'''L'''abor '''L'''ike '''I'''t '''S'''exy."
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it Dara thinking "'''L'''ord, '''L'''et '''I'''t '''S'''top"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': It's "'''L'''indsay '''L'''ohan '''I'''s '''S'''hitfaced".
:'''Chris Addison''': Is Ed Balls saying to a woman journalist, "'''L'''ook '''L'''ove, '''I''''m '''S'''peaking?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it what a lot of people in Labor are thinking: "'''L'''ose '''L'''eader, '''I'''nvite '''S'''ibling."
*:''[Answer: Labor Lead Is Slipping.]''

====If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "43 years" ====
:'''Ava Vidal''': How long does it take to repay a £10 loan from Wonga.com?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What's the life expectancy for someone who works at Greggs?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What is the average Sliverstone lap time for a Formula 1 car on Pirelli tyres?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is is "How long is too long to be out for if you say 'I'm just popping down to the shops for a minute'?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How old is the Earth if Michelle Obama really is the first lady?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "How old did Dara look when he was 25?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How long have my parents regretted using pulling out as a contraceptive?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': How long will Julian Assange be living in an embassy before he finally goes "You know what, I should've gone to jail"?
:'''Ava Vidal''': Is it "If Ed Miliband remains leader, how long will it be before Labor get back into power?"
:'''Chris Addison''': What is the MILF age of consent?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If you put in a ready-meal 43 years ago, how long has it been ready for?
:'''Chris Addison''': It's "In how many years will Brazil be ready to host the 2014 World Cup?"
:'''Chris Addison''': How long can Gerard Depardieu balance a spoon on his nose?
*:''[Answer: For how long could newly discovered shale gas reserves power the UK?]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A Sci-Fi Movie ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Captain's Log, Stardate 21-35--- It's a Tuesday.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Actually, Jeremy Kyle's just got the DNA results back, and apparently Luke, I'm not your father.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Commander Skywalker, bad news. We left R2-D2 outside to stand guard and the council took him way for emptying.
:'''Chris Addison''': I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. I've seen attack ships on fire off the shoulders of Orion, I've seen ''(breaks down laughing)''.
:'''Milton Jones''': There's a giant satsuma in front of the ship. Go to orange alert.
:'''Andy Parsons''': First there was ''Snakes on a Plane'', now the British remake ''Wasp in a Car''.
:'''Chris Addison''': You can't win Darth, if you strike me down now I will become more powerful--- ''(mimes getting hit)'' Ah! Get off, you prick!
:'''Ed Byrne''': What is it, Captain? I've never seen anything like it in my life. Of course not Scotty, it's the Sun.
:'''Ava Vidal''': Since you've got your laser gun trained on me, I've got a bit of stubborn hair just here.
:'''Milton Jones''': Permission to beam down to the forbidden planet. No.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I can see dead people. That's because I'm watching UKTV Gold.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Here are the sci-fi football results: R2D 2, C3P Nil.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Look at those fading, dwindling stars, forced to eat bugs in a jungle.
:'''Milton Jones''': If you leave our protection you will almost definitely die. Scotty, do you still want independence?
:'''Chris Addison''': Luke, I am your father. Go to your room.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Captain, I don't like it when you call me Spockface.
:'''Andy Parsons''': To boldly go where no man has gone before: Ann Widdecombe.
:'''Ed Byrne''': How many Klingons does it take to change a Dilithium crystal? Ten, one to change it and the other nine to chastise him for preforming such a menial task when he's the member of a proud warrior race.

==== Unlikely Personal Ads ====
:'''Ed Byrne''': I could be the man of your dreams if you dream of a man who exposes himself to people on trains.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm a cat person. I sleep all day and I bury my poo in the garden.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': For sex with no strings attached, don't shag a puppet.
:'''Ava Vidal''': Katie Price seeks new husband, position temporary, usual terms and conditions apply.
:'''Chris Addison''': Looking for love in all the wrong places? Well, you wanted to be a priest.
:'''Milton Jones''': Ugly, fat bloke looking for a supermodel with a sense of humor.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Man prone to violent mood swings seeks lovely woman to go screw yourself, I love you!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Female, 22-33-52. One of them's my age. Are you feeling lucky punk?
:'''Milton Jones''': Agoraphobic seeks claustrophobic for doorstep encounters.
:'''Ed Byrne''': I'm Eponus of the planet Testaclon 8, I seek a human female to take my seed, make better world for both our planets. Dave, Croyden, Box 414.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Pessimistic man seeks depressed old lady, so we can have some really shit times together.
:'''Ava Vidal''': Gorgeous, 5 ft 11, black woman, amazing body, great rack. I just thought I'd put it out there.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm a George Clooney lookalike who's looking for a woman with visual impairment.
:'''Milton Jones''': Do you like swinging? Meet me down by the swings.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm looking for a dominant woman. Tell me to call you.
:'''Chris Addison''': Do you like dogs? Good, because I'm small, hairy and hung like a Border Terrier.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Sophisticated erudite man with fandisiacular tastes seeks woman with massive knorcks.
:'''Chris Addison''': Man with massive cock seeks woman with large hen to discuss poultry farming.

=== 11 July 2013 [13.05] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "Yoga, Sushi, & Ice" ====
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Is this what Eric Pickles uses to deal with trapped wind?
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "What would the three wise men have brought Jesus if he was born in Notting Hill?"
:'''Chris Addison''': You think your Chinese tattoo says "Keep The Faith". What does it actually mean?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it just "What does Madonna smell of?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "16 years from now, what will my son say when I ask him what A-Levels he's doing?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "Name three things Nigella won't be asking Charles Saatchi to pay for anymore"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it Pingu's rider?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What is the strapline to the hit Japanese television program ''The Loose-Limbed Fish Eaters Of The Arctic''?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Is it "What answer will you get if you ask Paris Hilton to name the elements?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "If you own a bar in Soho, what should you call it to guarantee it will always be full of wankers?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it just simply "What are three things which are difficult to sell door to door?"
:'''Chris Addison''': It is "Name three things that can make you lose the feeling in your legs."
*:''[Answer: What Andy Murray used to prepare for his Wimbledon win.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things To Hear On Daytime TV ====
:'''Chris Addison''': Well, these four date from the early part of last century, some are wear-and-tear, a little bit of varnishing there, but, uh, please welcome today's ''Loose Women''!
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to Channel 4 daytime, or as you said to your boss this morning, "Working From Home".
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, coming up next, two programmes you don't want to get confused: ''Escape to the Huntryside'' and ''Bargain''--- Hang on.
:'''Chris Addison''': The next programme is pointless. It's ''The Jeremy Kyle Show''.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Coming up next, ''Teletubbies Uncut''. Yes, you're going to see Tinky Winky's winky and Dipsy's laa-laa.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Next, ''Judge Judy''. I have. She's shit.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hello, and welcome to ''Let's Decorate The Shit Out Of This House''! This week, we're decorating the shit out of a 3 bedroom in Corpington. So let's do it! Let's Decorate The Shit Out Of This House!
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Next up, another property programme which we think is offensive when we consider you're all unemployed.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Welcome to ''This Morning''. I'm Phillip, I'm a man on television, so I can go gray and look older. This is Holly, one wrinkle and she's finished.
:'''Andy Parsons''': So David wants to retire by the sea, so we've advise he buy in Norwich, because by the time he's retired, the sea will come to him.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Next on ''Flog It'', the team meet their greatest challenge yet: A dead horse.
:'''Chris Addison''': And now a trip around Dara O Briain's head in ''Hair Hunters''.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Next, the Austrian version of ''Cash In The Attic''. It's ''Family In The Basement''.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hello and welcome to ''Let's Cook The Shit Out Of Some Dinner''!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now on BBC One, let's make an appointment with doctors. If we phone now, we may be able to see them next Thursday.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Welcome to ''A Place In The Sun'', the show for people who aren't sure whether to live in Britain or move abroad. First up: Abu Qatada.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Next up on ITV3, it's a cutting edge American drama. I'm just joking, it's ''Taggart'' again.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hello, and welcome to ''I'm Gonna Sell These Antiques If It Fucking Kills Me''!

==== Unlikely Things To Hear In Hospital ====
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': I'm afraid we've lost him, but in my defense, Dr. Dre is just a stage name.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Right, I'm afraid you have had a stroke, so can you take my hand out of your trousers?
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': The good news is that I can save your leg. The bad news is I can't save the rest of you.
:'''Andy Parsons''': His heart's stopped! Quick, get the defib- the defribu- Oh, sod it, he's dead.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Look, who's the doctor here, me or you? Seriously, I've been awake for so long, I can't tell anymore.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Okay, I think we should remove the mole. How did it get up there?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to Ashford hospital. Why not join me in a game of "Pregnant or Fat"?
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Now, students, we know the operation has been a failure because the buzzer sounded and his nose has lit up.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Welcome to the cardiology unit. BOO!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': No, Mrs. Smith. You need to leave today, we need your bed. I'm shagging a nurse at 4 o'clock in it.
:'''Chris Addison''': Your husband is in stable condition. It's dirty and there's horseshit everywhere.
:'''Ed Byrne''': You could think of it that way, or you could think of it as gaining a hook.
:'''Chris Addison''': Him? That's my former husband. Well, because you told me to bring in my ex, Ray.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I'm afraid we're a little short on time today. Do you mind if we pull the sheet over you now?
:'''Chris Addison''': We're all full up at A&E. I'm afraid we'll gonna have to send you to B&Q.
:'''Andy Parsons''': You'll just feel a small prick, and then I'll pull my trousers on and won't bother you again.
:'''Chris Addison''': So what seems to be the probl--- '''FUCKING HELL!'''

=== 18 July 2013 [13.06] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "9%" ====
:'''Rob Beckett''': Is it the percentage of British people without sunburn?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it the percentage of British men who bought for their wife ''Fifty Shades Of Grey'', then tied them to the bed and pissed off down the pub?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "Rounding it up, what percent of Jesus' disciples turned out to be a bit of a wrong'un?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "What percentage of people at a Michael Buble concert aren't using Tena lady?"
:'''Chris Ramsey''': Is it "What percentage of EDL members can spell EDL?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "At what point would I start running around the room going, 'Have you got a charger? Have you got a charger?'"
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "For how much of history has Bruce Forsyth been alive?
:'''Ed Byrne''': As a relatively successful stand-up comedian, how much tax should I be paying?
:'''Rob Beckett''': Is it the percentage of Tulisa's phone book she didn't have to delete in custody?
:'''Chris Addison''': Is it "What are Edward Snowden's chances of making forty?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': What proportion of the UK electorate think UKIP is in fact is a sleeping tablet?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': What gradient makes Chris Froome go, "That's a piece of piss"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': How many Glastonbury festival goers are still chilling out at the pyramid stage?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How much of the show will be over by the time you get the correct answer?"
:'''Chris Ramsey''': What percent of the panel will still be alive when Dave shows the final repeat of this episode?
:'''Chris Addison''': What percentage of people actually can't believe it's not butter?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it genuinely, "What percentage of Dale Winton's skin has not been replaced by World of Leather?"
:''[Answer: How much the MPs salaries should rise.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Questions Omitted From This Year's Exams ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Using pie, distract the fat kid next to you so you can copy his answers.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Using only the English language, write something.
:'''Chris Addison''': History. Henry IV, Henry V, Henry VII: Which was the greatest Hoover the caretaker ever had?
:'''Chris Ramsey''': Maths. Robert has 400 stamps. He'd like to put them in 12 different albums. He wants to have them equally in each album. How many friends does Robert have?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Do you know the way to San Jose?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Religious studies. If two men have been married for ten years, for how long will they burn in hell for?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': If the fluid has been flowing at 21 liters a minute for 15 minutes, what on Earth is wrong with my bladder?
:'''Rob Beckett''': Fill your name at the top of the exam paper. If it's Tyler or Charmagne, get out, leave the school, and don't ever come back.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Using only the mass of the ass and the angle of the dangle, determine the measure of the pleasure.
:'''Andy Parsons''': If a man travels 12 miles each day to buy a loaf of bread, how long before he realizes that living in the countryside is shit?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Are multiple choice exams too easy? A: Yes.
:'''Chris Addison''': Optician's final exam. What do you think are the main causes of short sightedness? And now? How about now? And now? What about now? And now?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Media studies, trick question one. Name a business like show business.
:'''Chris Addison''': Geography. What is to blame for climate change? A: The sunlight, B: The moonshine, C: The good times, or D: The boogie?

==== Things A Weather Forcaster Would Never Say ====
:'''Ed Byrne''': (singing) The sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar--- buzz.
:'''Chris Ramsey''': And these are the worst floods since records began, which was last year when all those records were destroyed in that flood.
:'''Chris Addison''': This is a map, I'm not a giant.
:'''Andy Parsons''': It's gonna be a blowy day. It's me birthday and my wife promised me one...
:'''Chris Addison''': Later on it's gonna be raining cats and dogs, because a bomb's gone off at Battersea.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, it was cloudy earlier. I think I may have a urine infection.
:'''Rob Beckett''': S'well hot 'innit?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Well, it was a frosty start for some of us this morning, 'cause I came in pissed again and acidentally got in bed with me mother-in-law!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, you'll be glad to know scientists have finally explained why we've been enduring this rather long spell of disappointing weather. Apparently, we live in Britain.
:'''Ed Byrne''': And over the next three days, we will see some spells of rain. The entrails never lie.
:'''Chris Addison''': Things should be getting a lot cooler. I've just made friends with a black man.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, I'm afraid you're gonna get wet later on. I'm following you, and I've got a bucket.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm sure the ladies are gonna be wearing skimpy bikinis tomorrow. It could reach ninety degrees, which is not bad for a man my age.
:'''Chris Ramsey''': It is going to be a scorcher, so guys, you might as well just staple your balls tot he inside of your thigh, because those bad boys are going nowhere!
:'''Ed Byrne''': Thanks very much, Dave. Pretty easy reporting on things that have already happened. Now, predicitng the future!
:'''Chris Addison''': And now the shipping forecast. Dogger, car park, my penis, rising slowly.

=== 5 September 2013 [13.07] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "13" ====
:'''Rob Beckett''': Is it the number of people on ''X Factor'' 's first episode with dead relatives?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "If Wayne Rooney went to Madrid instead of Gareth Bale, how many months would it have taken for him to manage the Spanish word for 'Hello'?"
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Is it "When Louie Walsh goes to play ping-pong with One Direction, how many little white balls are in the room?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "On which day of Christmas do Wonga.com come over and repossess everything?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it the number of BBC programs currently hosted by Dara O Briain?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it "How many times did I have to watch that Miley Cryus video before I could consider myself well-informed on the subject?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it in fact "How many times a day does Oscar Pistorius think, 'Well, I suppose I could just have knocked'?"
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it the number of feet required of my restraining order on Brian Blessed?
:'''Rob Beckett''': Is it the number of soldiers France have actually sent to Syria?
:'''Andy Parsons''': At what age do you realize that [[One Direction]] is the shit?
:'''Dara O Briain''': Okay, can I have the correct answer?
:'''Andy Parsons''': What is the atomic number of Unluckyum?
*:''[Answer: The number of votes that allowed Parliament to strike on Syria.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Extracts From DVDs That Would Never Sell ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Welcome to ''Exercise for Manic Depressives''. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Welcome to the ''How To Use A DVD'' Instructional DVD. First, put this DVD in the slot for the DVD.
:'''Ed Byrne''': ''Steven Spielberg's Circumcision: The Director's Cut''.
:'''Rob Beckett''': Welcome to ''The Suffragette's Story'' with me, Miley Cyrus.
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Ready to get fit, ladies? It's Johnny Depp, ''Pilates of the Carribean''.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': The main point of this self-help DVD is that only you can help you. No need for me, then. Thanks for the twenty quid.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Hello, and welcome to ''Funeral Etiquette: When's the Right Time to Fart?''
:'''Rob Beckett''': We are in Africa filming the continent's biggest predator: Madonna in Malawi.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': (in German accent) Welcome to ''The Best of German "Who Do You Think You Are?"'' So, you're grandfather was a... Well, we'll leave it there.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Welcome to ''The Best of "Test Match Special"''. (pretends to light a match) That one works.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is the DVD you've been waiting for: All the tweets of Lord Sugar read by Stephen Hawking!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Welcome to ''Filthy Dirty Nurses 2: The Rise Of MRSA''.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Hello, I'm Ed Byrne. Welcome to ''Wank Yourself Skinny''.
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Work yourself thin with me, teen sensation Stewart Francis.
:'''Andy Parsons''': It's the DVD we've been waiting for: Two politicians discussing Rwanda!

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A Motoring Programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Listen to that deep throaty roar of the man I've just run over.
:'''Stewart Francis''': George Michael says he's never driven a car that's handled so well on the pavement.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Now I would describe this car as very nippy, but apparently I can't say that, I have to say it's made in Japan.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I'm about to shag a bloke. Welcome to ''Ride My Pimp''.
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Women everywhere have come together to announce their favorite car. It's the red one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This car has a fail-safe anti-theft device. It's a Vauxhall Corsan. {{hnote|In the YouTube preview clip, Parsons says a different line here: "Richard Hammond's busy with Total Wipeout. Not the programme, he's just had another stunt go badly wrong again."}}
:'''Hugh Dennis''': First, second, third, fourth. Yes, all my wives have divorced me because I'm such a twat about cars.
:'''Rob Beckett''': It's a car and that's it, who gives a shit?
:'''Katherine Ryan''' This car is actually owned by Jeremy Clarkson, which it why I'm running my key along it now.
:'''Ed Byrne''': My first impression is that the dashboard layout is quite unothodox and very minimalist. There doesn't seem to be a steering--- Oh, I'm sitting in the back.
:'''Stewart Francis''': Ah, it still has that new hitchhiker smell.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I don't know about you, but I think it would be quite better to walk today.
:'''Rob Beckett''': The sales have been surprisingly low for the new Renualt Berland.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This car has been modified to American market. It's got six cup holders, a sandwich stand, and a small rotisserie attached to the deck.
:'''Ed Byrne''': This week on ''Top Gear'', we're going to be talking about penises--- cars! We'll gonna talking about cars! CARS!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': This car's personalized management system remembers who you are and how you drive. This morning it locked me out and told me to fuck off.

=== 12 September 2013 [13.08] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "56 Years" ====
:'''Alistair McGowan''': Is it Eddie Izzard's next challenge for Sport Relief? "I'm gonna run for 56 years without stopping, in three languages with family of chinchillas."
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "When somebody says they're thirteen online, how old are they actually?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "When is the next train to Morgan-by-the-bank?"
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Is this "How old will Dara look when he's 45?"
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How long has BT been telling me my call is important to them?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What is the age difference between the male and female presenters on Sky Sports News?"
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "How long is part 2 of ''The Hobbit'?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': How long do these 56 year Ronseal Wood Stain last for?
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': I don't know about you guys, but this is the age of consent for my daughters.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': At the time of the Big Bang, how long had Bruce Forsyth already been alive?
:'''Alistair McGowan''': Is it how long you could travel in space with the right oxygen supply and just Dara O Briain for company?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': How long is the gap between the monthly magazine ''I'm No Good At Maths''?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "Pick an arbitrary length of time"?
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How much bad luck if you break a glitterball?"
*:''[Answer: The gap between Olympic Games in Tokyo.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': And the starting pistol has gone off, and Oscar Pistorius has got his arms in the air claiming his innocence already.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, good news here in Flushing Meadow. Murray has broken Djokovic. Both legs, one arm, he won't recover from that.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Oh clearly that's a dive by Tom Daley!
:'''Alistair McGowan''': So it's one all at half time, and uh... Sorry, I'm finding it hard to concentrate here. Gareth Southgate's has had me in absolute stitches!
:'''Gary Delaney''': And that's an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction for the Ukrainian women's shotputter as a bollock pops out.
:'''Miles Jupp''': You know, I've completely forgotten when England won the World Cup.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': 130 kilograms. This would be a world record, but this small Peruvian is determined to swallow it and get it through customs.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And as he approaches the corner at 200 miles per hour, they really need to check out this cyclist for drugs.
:'''Miles Jupp''': And as a mark of respect the British water polo team will be wearing armbands.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Croquet does not get any better than this!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, my watch has three additional minutes. Don't buy a Rolex from a street market.
:'''Alistair McGowan''': Hello, I'm Michael Owen. Welcome to the millions of you watching on BT Sport.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': And he's got four off one ball. That's a lot of children Lance Armstong has fathered.
:'''Miles Jupp''': And the sumo wrestler grunts as his opponent enters the ring, pretty sure that move's illegal.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Well, it's 1:30 and the covers are still on. Kevin Peterson simply won't get out of fucking bed.
:'''Gary Delaney''': And Tiger Woods is going for his third hole of the afternoon. Surely by now he should have left the hotel.
:'''Andy Parsons''': And welcome to the 2020 Tokyo Olympic sailing competit--- '''OH MY GOD, GODZILLA! AAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!'''

==== Commercials That Never Made It To Air ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I wipe my ass with Colgate. (waits for laughter to die down) And now I've got a ring of confidence.
:'''Andy Parsons''': If it tastes like butter and spreads straight from the fridge, you've probably had a power cut.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Condoms: Because she sleeps with you, she'll sleep with anyone.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Ryanair: Because I'm worth shit.
:'''Alistair McGowan''': As the leader of the Labour party, I always like to look my best. It's very important for me to have a smooth finish, which is why I use the Mac 4. As I always say, "That was a close shave, wasn't it, Gromit?"
:'''Miles Jupp''': Frosties. They're--- They're alright.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': UBG from Garnier. Exfoliates, hydrates, epilates, urinates--- probably not that last one.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Unlimited minutes, unlimited texts, unlimited music downloads. Yes, it's our new Twat On A Train tariff.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Have a break. Have a wank.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Maybe she's born with it, in which case I probably shouldn't take the piss.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Mikayly has to walk for five miles every day for fresh water. That's why she ought to be thinking about the new Mazda.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Coco Chanel. Tastes bloody horrible, I'm sticking to Horlicks.
:'''Gary Delaney''': Lidl: because life didn't work out as you planned.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon doing an ad on British TV. (breaking down) What happened?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Have you got that bloated, uncomfortable feeling in your stomach? Then try going for a shit.
:'''Miles Jupp''': The DFS furniture sale is--- is not currently on.
:'''Alistair McGowan''': This Christmas, get ''Mock The Week'' on DVD featuring all the regulars. Dara O Briain! (imitiates Dara rambling) Milton Jones! (as Milton) "Um..." And of course, don't forget Micky Flanagan! (as Micky) "East Ender London." (continues rambling as Dara)

=== Mock The Week: [[w:Blurred Lines|Blurred Lines]] (13 September 2013) [13.XX] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "What Makes You Beautiful" ====
:'''Rob Beckett''': Is it the name of the "No Orchids For Miss Blandish" remake?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it the name of Robert Pattinson's new Shepherd's pie?
:'''Aran Ryan''': Is it the new Teletubbies dance?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it the name of the best tea in the world?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it what you call a crumpet lathered in talking armpit?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Is it the name of Ribena's new product after Suntory's takeover?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it the sound one makes upon being stung by sixty-nine wasps?
:'''Stewart Francis''': Is it what Henry Smith said to Vladmir Putin over Syria?
:'''Rob Beckett''': Is it a new breed of bulldog?
:'''Dara O Briain''': Okay, can I have the correct answer?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it what you say when '''Christian Benteke''' scores a goal?
*:''[Answer: The best song in the universe.]''

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On A British Programme ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I want to thrust my pelvis in tune to Olly Murs "Troublemaker".
:'''Stewart Francis''': FLO RIDA IS THE GREATEST RAPPER EVER!
:'''Ed Byrne''': America is not a British colony.
:'''Andy Parsons''': May I sit on the couch?
:'''Katherine Ryan''': (Holds up a perch and a pack of crisps) Didn't you want fish & chips?
:'''Andy Parsons''': This is how you spell colour. C-O-L-O-R.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Ladies and Gentlemen, Britain is now going to be run by Obama.
:'''Rob Beckett''': That's top notch soccer Liverpool is playing!
:'''Katherine Ryan''': Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the annual Math challenge.
:'''Ed Byrne''': HAIL MARY!
:'''Stewart Francis''': I like riding the subway.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I don't know about you, but I think it would be quite better to walk today.
:'''Rob Beckett''': I hate Ribena.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This car has been modified to American market. It's got six cup holders, a sandwich stand, and a small rotisserie attached to the deck.
:'''Ed Byrne''': I will throw out this bulldog like trash.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': 4th July is the nation's birthday.

=== 19 September 2013 [13.09] ===
==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "5p" ====
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it "How much does it cost to hire Peter Andre for your wedding?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What is the average house price in Fukushima?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What is the ''Famous Five'' book called where they all have incontinence?"
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': Is it "What is not worth bending over to pick up in prison?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "How much money would I have if I had a pound for every time I failed a maths exam?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': After years of obsterity, how much have they lowered the national debt by?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What is this week's rollover in the Greek lottery?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it just simply "How much does your mum charge?"
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it how much you should tip a stripper to really annoy her?
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What was the antique expert's valuation of the small silver disk I found in the back of the sofa?"
*:'''Dara O Briain''': Okay, I need the correct answer.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I know what it is: "What are a million Nectar points worth financially?"
:'''Ed Byrne''': What is the price of a Ryanair flight from Standstare to Dublin minus the 200 pound charges?
*:''[Answer: How much supermarkets will charge for plastic bags after the next general election, according to the Lib-Dems.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A Blockbuster Film ====
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': My name is Maximus Decimus Mardimus, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. Please leave a message after the tone.
:'''Ed Byrne''': You're going straight to hell. You're going straight to DVD, mate.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Okay, Iron Man, you win. You do the ironing.
:'''Holly Walsh''': Is it a bird? Yes.
:'''Andy Parsons''': ''Lord of the Rings: UK Version''. People come from the Shires to go on a very long journey on the Northern line to go to Morden. And when they get there, it's shit.
:'''Milton Jones''': If you push George W. Bush into that vat of concrete, that sets a very bad president.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Don't take me on. I am Wolverine. And these are my friends, Jolene, Windowlene, and Trampoline.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Golem, that wasn't the ring I was referring to. Would you please get your finger out of my precious?
:'''Ed Byrne''': Should we just check if Bond is dead before we continue with the plan?
:'''Holly Walsh''': Gosh, Jerry Maguire, you had me at "Get in the van!"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Yoda, have you ever been tested for dyslexia?
:'''Milton Jones''': If I come back in another life as a disposable razor, I'll be Bic.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': There's something in the tractor beam, Ed.

==== Unlikely Things For Andy Murray To Think ====
*:''[Note: Andy Murray was in the audience for this episode again. After each joke, we saw his reaction.]''
:'''Hugh Dennis''': I know this is championship point, but I really need a poo.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Well, at least when I win Wimbledon, they'll stop making fun of me on television.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Oy, Tim! Look what I've just won! YAAAAAAY!
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': I wonder if my mum's watching today. Of course she is. She's ''always'' watching.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': It's a very good start. I'm going to break his fucking legs.
:'''Milton Jones''': (in a Scottish accent) I remember when I used to train---
*:'''Dara O Briain''': What was that? He's in the room!
:'''Milton Jones''': So... I remember when I used to train in Scotland. I was a lot more unhealthy. I used to serve with a potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards.
:'''Hal Cruttenden''': I wonder if Kim really like tennis.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Burn Kennen, shut up. (imitates him)
:'''Holly Walsh''': When are Rifena gonna make a poster of me scratching my ass?
:'''Milton Jones''': Why do I spend my life trying to hit a fuzzy green apple with a snowshoe?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': God, it's great having an enormous penis.
:'''Andy Parsons''': I think I saw Ivan Lendl raise his eyebrow. That means he's just ejaculated.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': It's all going very well. I wish I was playing Farming Simulator.
:'''Ed Byrne''': Venus has the arse, Serena's got the tits.

=== 26 September 2013 [13.10] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "1.75 Billion Years" ====
:'''Romesh Ranganathan''': Is it how long it would take Joey Essex to spell the word "hypothetical"?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What is the best before date for coal?"
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': Is it "How long would I wait for a girl to text me back before I'm sure she's not interested?"
:'''Rob Beckett''': Is it how long it takes for a bowl of porridge to cool down?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How long does a panda go between shags?"
:'''Gary Delaney''': Is it "How long will it take my iPhone 4 to download iOS 7?"
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': Is it "On my first trip to Nando's, how long did I sit at my table before realizing you have to go up to order?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "If you booked onto a RyanAir time machine, how far from where you wanted to be would you in fact end up?"
*:''[Answer: How long human beings have left on Earth.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Things You Wouldn't Hear On A DIY Show ====
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Many people have written to us asking how you can make their house greener. Simple: paint it green.
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': And there it is, a perfect patio, and the police won't suspect a thing.
:'''Andy Parsons''': No, don't bother putting the kettle on, we'll crack on with a work straight away.
:'''Rob Beckett''': The walls are plastered and I'm a little shitfaced, too, honest.
:'''Romesh Ranganathan''': Welcome to ''Bollywood Does DIY''. Episode 1: Change a lightbulb. (imitates a dance move while changing lightbulb)
:'''Gary Delaney''': I'm Nick Knowles, and no matter how many DIY shows I'll do, I'll never be as famous as my sister Beyonce.
:'''Andy Parsons''': This week on ''Grand Designs'', two more middle-class tossers piss away their life savings on some glorified Wendy House.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': After three hours of sawing, six hours of sawing, and sanding all day, it's done. Finally, your neighbors have moved out!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So for the best finish, rub vigorously with a piece of sandpaper, but be warned, you might get a very sharp penis.
:'''Rob Beckett''': We've managed to double the value of this house in Middlesbrough. We've put 20 quid in the biscuit tin.
:'''Romesh Ranganathan''': Jen's parents really helped us on the budget for this project by dying.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': So, drill the pilot hole, take the plastic ball fixing, but before you countersink the baton, ask yourself this: Is it any wonder my wife left me for a table magician from Mackerelsfield?
:'''Andy Parsons''': We sandblasted several layers of varnish off, but sadly, there was very little of the real Dale Winton left.
:'''Gary Delaney''': This week, John from Peterbourough successfully put a roll of wallpaper up himself, so we're taking him to hospital.
:'''Rob Beckett''': We've got 24 hours to renovate Sharon's house. Let's start by smashing her back doors in.
:'''Romesh Ranganathan''': Sarah Beanie has helped Andy convert his semi into a full boner.

==== Unlikely Lines From A Romantic Novel ====
:'''Rob Beckett''': He gazed into his eyes and said, "Is it better with this lens or this lens?"
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': Godfrey looked behind the fridge. He was in luck! She was a slut!
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Will you make me the happiest man on Earth? Will you marry me? Will you change your name? Will you become the next Mrs. Goateebollocks?
:'''Andy Parsons''': Yes, the Earth ''did'' move for me. I think they must have started fracking.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': As he looked into her eyes for the last time, he whispered "Always remember, we'll always have the bins behind Morrison's."
:'''Gary Delaney''': I could be your RVP, you could be my Manchester United.
:'''Romesh Ranganathan''': I've been looking for you my whole life. iPhone maps are crap.
:'''Rob Beckett''': He made love to her like no man had ever done before. It was so intense, he dropped her '''crisps'''.
:'''Andy Parsons''': "Fancy a coffee?" she said. He realized his luck was in and started taking his clothes off, at which point he was kicked out of Starbucks.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': They skipped hand in hand through the wood. "Oh, look," he said. "A yewtree! How appropriate."
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': He was a strapping officer from World War I. She was a little disappointed with uniformdating.com.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Daisy had everything he looked for in a woman: Pissed with no self-esteem.
:'''Romesh Ranganathan''': I'm in love with you, you go "Gering-ding-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding", "Wa-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow", and "Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho". I'm in love with '''"[[The Fox (song)|The Fox]]"'''.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': At last, I have found you. I have found you, is it really you? Are you... Wally?
:'''Rob Beckett''': "Does this story have a happy ending?" he asked her. She snapped back, "Happy ending fifty dollar."
:'''Fabian Dolphin Delph''': They rode around town in a taxi and he said, "It's all right if we have an affair. I can always run for Mayor of London!"

=== 3 October 2013 [13.11] ===

==== If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?: "95%" ====
:'''Seann Walsh''': Is it the percentage of Dominos' Pizza left before I think "What am I doing with my life?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': If someone tells me that Mark Dacia has been killed off for the next Bridget Jones book, what are the chances that I don't give a shit?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "Express 19/20 as a fraction"?
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How much of Peter Crouch is limbs?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What proportion of accidents in hand grenade shops are caused by assistants saying 'Can I have your PIN, please?'?"
:'''Seann Walsh''': What percentage of Hawaii's income is made by Milton buying shirts?
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "Express 19/20 as a percentage"?
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': Is it "If I send a text on the new iPhone, how much battery will it drain?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "How sure am I, Merry Christmas, that this answer will end up in the Christmas compilation?"
:'''Miles Jupp''': Is it "Express 76/80 as whatever it is"?
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': Is it "What are the chances I'm gonna shove my old abacus up his ass?"
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Is it "What are the chances Richard Dawkins will be turned away from heaven?"
:'''Andy Parsons''': Is it "What rating does Paradise currently have on Tripadvisor?"
:'''Milton Jones''': Is it "What looks like one neighbor talking to another neighbor over the fence about the two big numbers in his garden?"
*:''[Answer: How certain scientists believe humans caused climate change.]''

==== Scenes We'd Like To See: Unlikely Small Ads ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do you want a larger penis? Beach volleyball, tonight on BBC1.
:'''Miles Jupp''': For sale: 400 jars of mayonnaise. Would suit the sort of person who's not that fussed by "Best before" end dates.
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': For sale: One unopened pack of Polos. Mind condition.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Sperm donors wanted. Please come quickly.
:'''Miles Jupp''': For sale: Horse. Would make excellent pet or pate.
:'''Seann Walsh''': Wanted: Someone to kill my dad so I can have an "X Factor" backstory.
:'''Milton Jones''': Lost: boomerang, last Thursday, somewhere... Oh no, it's coming back to me now.
:'''Andy Parsons''': For sale: Dwarf jacuzzi. Could also be used as a foot spa.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': For vasectomies, liposuctions, and all small cosmetic surgeries, call Phil, the over-ambitious tree surgeon.
:'''Milton Jones''': Cleaning lady. Eight pounds per hour or until lady is clean.
:'''Seann Walsh''': Wanted: Spessing lessens.
:'''Andy Parsons''': Do you want your house to smell nice and spice up your sex life? Then why not try Glade Butt Plug-ins?
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': Goodbye, Dad, rest in peace, and perhaps if you hadn't gambled away all our money, this would be in obituaries.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Wanted: New subject for Scenes We'd Like To See.

==== Unlikely Things To Hear On Crimewatch ====
:'''Andy Parsons''': The police have said it's okay for the public to approach the gunman as he's sawed off the wrong end of the shotgun.
:'''Milton Jones''': Hopkins has committed various food hygiene offences and there is now a bounty on his head.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': And now a case of grand theft auto. Someone has stolen the case of my ''Grand Theft Auto''.
:'''Andy Parsons''': The victim was marched to the cashpoint and made to take out three hundred pounds. That's the last time he forgets his wife's birthday.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Good night and remember, don't shave white bears. No, that's not it...
:'''Milton Jones''': We believe the occult ot be involved with this crime. This is the victim's phone and the last number is 666. Hang on, it's upside-down.
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': Were you at Waithe--- ah, fuck it. Were you at Yate--- Were you at Weatherspoons--- Do that one in a minute again, I think.
:'''Hugh Dennis''': A computer fraudster this week got away with nine million Nectar points. Police are looking for a disappointed man with one new wine glass.
:'''Milton Jones''': Well, that's all the time he have on ''Crimewatch''. We talked about some serious things, but don't forget, don't have--- '''BLEAH!'''
:'''Hugh Dennis''': Sometime vicitms of crime don't know they've been robbed because they use the items taken so infreuqently. Take Dara O Briain. Burglars stole his legs six months ago.
:'''Josh Widdicombe''': Were you at Yates' wine lodge at--- Unbelievable. Genuine unbelievable!
:'''Seann Walsh''': (imitating Josh) Were you ate Yates' wine lodge? I don't bloody believe it! I can't believe I'm fucking Irish!
:'''Andy Parsons''': More info on that post office robbery. They charge me four pounds fifty to send a parcel second-class.
:'''Josh Widdecombe''': This afternoon 10,000 pounds of cocaine were stolen Can I have whoever took it put it back in my dressing room?
:'''Seann Walsh''': Yeah, I don't know who took it, yeah.
:'''Miles Jupp''': Well we hope that recreation jogged a few memories. If not, well, we've needlessly shot four more people.