Revision 2169736 of "Jerky Boys" on enwikiquote

The '''[[w:Jerky Boys|Jerky Boys]]''' Characters are the creation of Johnny Brennan, who is also the voice behind Mort Goldman and Horace in the unrelated TV show [[Family Guy]].

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== Sol Rosenberg ==

Sol is whiny, paranoid, most totally Jewish, and frightened by his own shadow. Played by: Johnny B.

*"And he invited me fishing and he whipped me with the rods"
*"God help us, Jesus, God and BABY Jesus help us." (from "Sol's Phobia")
*"He says terrible things on the airwaves"
* "Can't you see how evil and vicious you're being towards me?"
*"We call her Gimpy. That's not very nice but...what's she gonna do about it?" (from "Sol's Turnstile")
*"I'm Gary Dell'Abate's mom. This is his mom." (from "Bright")
*"It's not right what you did to my beautiful horse-faced boy! I'm gonna come down there and kick you in your cunt you sick bitch!" (from "Bright")

*'''Sol:''' Hello, I bought glasses there, my name is Sol Rosenberg. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Yes? <br> '''Sol:''' And my eyes are going crazy. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Okay. Let me pull your file. Hold on.. <br> '''Sol:''' Okay, thank you <br> '''Optometrist:''' Hello, did you go to the Empire State Building? <br> '''Sol:''' I went to the Empire State Building and I can't see so good...<br> '''Optometrist:''' Would you like to come see us? <br> '''Sol:''' I went to the observatory and, because of these glasses, I can't see, Goddamn it. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Okay, would you like to come in and see us? <br> '''Sol:''' Sure. Okay <br> '''Optometrist:''' We're at 30 East 60th Street. <br> '''Sol:''' 35 78th Street, Ok. <br> '''Optometrist:''' No, no..30..three zero <br> '''Sol:''' okay <br> '''Optometrist:''' East 60th Street.<br> '''Sol:''' Alright. And should I bring all my glasses with me? <br> '''Optometrist:''' Do you need an examination?— Mr. Rosenberg, do you need an examination? <br> '''Sol:''' Okay. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Do you need an examination? <br> '''Sol:''' Alright. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Yeah, alright. Do you need an appointment? <br> '''Sol:''' Right. And I'll bring all my shoes and my glasses with me... so I have them. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Mr. Rosenberg? <br> '''Sol:''' Sure. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Do you need...do you want to see the opthamologist? <br> '''Sol:''' Right. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Do you need an appointment? <br> '''Sol:''' I'm sorry. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Do you need an appointment? <br> '''Sol:''' Okay. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Okay, hold on, I'll have my girl make an appointment for you to see the doctor. Okay, do you have the address? <br> '''Sol:''' Fantastic then. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Do you have the address? <br> '''Sol:''' Yeah. <br> '''Optometrist:''' What's the... what room? <br> '''Sol:''' I don't know...you say 35-8-7? <br> '''Optometrist:''' No. 30 East 60 th Street <br> '''Sol:''' 30 East 50 th Street Okay. Thank you. <br> '''Optometrist:''' Do you need an appointment? hold on.....

== Tarbash ==

Tarbash, the Egyptian Magician, has a very feeble grasp on our language...but don't tell him that. Played by: Kamal

*"...then I woke up with my pants unbuttoned." (from "Dental Malpractice")
*"What do you cuss at me for, I need your help." (from "Pizza Lawyer")
*"He took foot and hit my ear!" (from "Pizza Lawyer")
*"I fill balloons up with deadly poison gas and then float them out over the audience." (from "Stop That")
*"I need you to come RIGHT NOW and sweep all these beer bottles, all from my floor." (from "Little Elf")
*From "Egyptian Magician":
'''Tarbash:''' Then I punch my chest...and it disappears, into the crowd! <br>
'''Nightclub Manager Lady:''' You punch your chest and it disappears into the crowd...that's it?
*'''Tarbash:''' "What does 'iconoclast' mean?" <br> '''Diane the Flower Lady:''' "I don't know." <br> '''Tarbash:''' "Then I speak English better than you. It means breaker of idols, icons. Iconoclast." <br> '''Diane the Flower Lady:''' "It's not a word." <br>

*'''Tarbash:''' "You know when you get out of the bath and your skin is nice and...open? You ever feel that way? I feel very open today, very much open." <br>'''Diane the Flower Lady:''' "I'll tell you what's open is your ASS!" <br> '''Tarbash:''' "That is open, too." <br>

== Jack Tors ==

Prancing and effeminate, Jack Tors is among the Jerky Boys' most popular characters. He's extremely vain, and is always searching for ways to improve both his looks and his bizarre "act"- which consists of setting himself on fire, wrapping his friends in plastic, and beating a spider monkey... among other things. Owner of Jack's Pickles and Penis Pumps, where a small box of potatoes costs $2,000. Played by: Johnny B.

*"We have a little emergency here....We were boiling some potatoes and we dip them in vaseline, and shoot them at each other, and Peter was looking back making sure it was lined up with his ass, and it shot him right in the fucking eye!!"( from "Tennis Ball Machine")
*"I put a little ballerina skirt on the monkey and I beat him into oblivion. The crowd seems to love this." (from "The Gay Model")
*"I'm also known for pulling large pieces of furniture from my ass. I'm the best." (from "The Gay Model")
*"You're a little early, and that is very presumptuous on your part." (from "Flower Lady #2)
*"I seem to be breaking balls or something." (from "The Need to Dance")
*"I need to dance, you fucker, don't you see it? I need to dance. And I'll tell you, I'm gonna dance all over you, you scumbag. I'm gonna do a dance right in your fucking ass. Are you crazy? You fuck." (from "The Need to Dance")
*"They're very, very small, almost microscopic. You can barely see them with the naked eye. As a matter of fact you may need a penis pump to see these damn things." (from "I Pickle They")
*"I'm only scarred about the face, breast, chest, neck, and head. It's not too bad, but other than that I look fine - a little makeup conceals everything." (from "The Gay Model")
*"Runway is just old hat to me, sweetheart." (from "The Gay Model")
*"I wanted to move my penis around to the back side of my ass, because I don't know which way I'm swinging just yet. But I'd like to keep it just in case." (from "Breast Enlargement")
*"Is the Fat Muffin Man there?" (from "Paradise")
*"I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon?" (from "Bacon")
*"I'm his partner, I'm his lover for three years, don't you think I would know about the wedding? I mean what's the story?" (from "Flower Lady #2")
*"Harry loves schmaltz, is there something wrong with that? He makes perhaps the best schmaltz I've ever had." (from "Flower Lady #2")
*"Listen, he carved out a hole in the middle of the floor and he's building you a volcano. That's all I know. And you're supposed to come down with your flowers and make sacrificial offerings. And he's supposed to throw you into the volcano. This is all I understand." (from "Flower Lady #2)
*"I'll come down there and I'll slap your face." (from "Moonlight Matinee")
*"(talking to a man in Florida, New York) Shit, I didn't know New York had a Florida. That doesn't sound right. I don't think you know geography very well, you're being silly." (from "Florida, the Tropical State")
*"We're casting for flat-chested tap-dancing freaks." (from "Diva")
*"What I would do was I'd shoot people's heads up with Novocaine and carve grooves in their skulls." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
*"This one time I gave this guy a haircut he didn't like, he kicked my fucking ass all over." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
*"As long as my appearance wouldn't startle you- I'm carved from head to toe." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
*"I'll bring my children over, I carved the shit outta their heads too, but it looks good." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
*"My lover fell asleep with a cigarette in the bed and burned up all my ass and legs." (from "The Mattress King")
*"We really rock the house." (from "The Mattress King")
*"I heard that they hang you upside down and kick your face out the back of your ass. I also heard there's a little room where they heat up hot bacon grease and fire it all over the face" (from "Facelift Without Surgery")
*"I"m always slugging myself in the genitalia." (from "Breast Enlargement")

== Rosine ==

Rosine likes balloons. And swimming. And...lobsters. Played by: Johnny B.

*"Do you have any lobsters?" (from "Rosine Like Balloons")
*"I don't even eat that shit, I lick that shit, and then I slappeded that shit right off my table." (from "Rosine Like Balloons" when referring to the lobsters)
*"You do have any balloons that I can touch and lick?" (from "Rosine Like Balloons")
*"I wanna be a swimmah, a big time swimmah with my legs in the air." (from "Synchronized Swimming")
*"See that shit, I play the flute too, in more ways than one too." (from Signin')
*-What's the apartment number?- "1F." -S as in Sam?- "No F as in fuck baby." (from Signin')
*"Bye-bye baby bitch." (from Signin')

== Nikos ==

Nikos, the owner of Nikos's deli. Mixes English in a heavy Greek accent with phrases in Greek-sounding gibberish to confuse victims.  Played by: Johnny B.

*"Hello Sam? What are you doing?" (from "Bad Tomatoes")
*"The tomatoes supposed to have them by seven and a half!  Is Nikos!" (from "Bad Tomatoes")
*"Hey Baba stop playing you break-a the window! Go play down the block!.... Motherfucker!  SAM!" (from "Bad Tomatoes")
*"He try to sell-a me the corn on the cock, I don't know dis son-a-bitch es talkingabout!!" (from "Bad Tomatoes")

== Big Ole Badass Bob the Cattle Rustler ==

He does EVERYTHING big! Sounds a bit like Foghorn Leghorn. Played by: Johnny B.

*"Don't get smart with me, woman. I'll come down there and split an ear off you."
*"Now I'm gonna be inclined to come down there and give you a shoe in the ass, honey."
*"Dammit, woman, you're not listening to me."
*"If I didn't know any better I'd say you was a regular jackass!"
*"I drive them big eighteen-wheelers, that's all. I'm an old cattle rustler... I'm an old dancing boy."

== Mike Derucki ==

Mike...is strange. Very strange. And a bit forgetful. Played by: Johnny B.

*"You know I got a parrot, a bird, this fuckin bird says hi to me all the time. More than you're doing. Fuckin bird says, 'Hi there, sir, hello. Had a nice day? Wanna fuck me in the ass a little?' I don't know where he picks up that bad language from." (from "Hello Ray")
*
'''Mike''' Yeah, hi honey- you remove dead pets? <br>
'''Woman''' Pardon? <br>
'''Mike''' Dead pet removal. <br>
'''Woman''' (confused) Dead pet removal? Is that what you said? <br>
'''Mike''' Yeah, do you remove dead pets? <br>
'''Woman''' What kind of pet are you talking about? <br>
'''Mike''' This is a little embarassing, but I fell asleep on a park bench and a pigeon seems to've flown up into my ass and died. <br>
'''Woman''' No, I'm sorry... <br>
'''Mike''' Christ, honey this thing is killing me. I can't walk around like this,  it's already dead two, three weeks in there. <br>

== Misc. ==
*"Hurry up." (-any character being told to "please hold")

See also [[Kerpal]]

[[Category:Bands|Jerky Boys]]
[[Category:Prank callers|Jerky Boys]]

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